Grief is a tricky thing, isn’t it? Just as I reached a comfortable place in the acceptance stage from losing my mother in 2021, it came back like a wrecking ball. This time, my maternal grandfather, aka my favorite person in the world. On July 11, 2024, he transitioned from his physical being and became one of the ancestors.
Sure, he was aging. He was 93, to be exact. But he was still just as sharp, witty, and independent as ever. Until he wasn’t. Although my family never officially revealed his diagnosis to me, the signs were there. It was eerily similar to my mom’s end-of-life stage during her bout with endometrial cancer.
And so, while I didn’t want to accept what was happening to my favorite guy, I was intentional about seeing or talking to him over the phone every day for those last six or so weeks.
Courtesy
In the weeks and days leading up to July 11, I often had pep talks with myself, “You’ve gotten through this before. He’s 93, and you can’t expect him to live forever.” Thinking I would be okay once the call came in, I quickly found that I wasn’t.
I experienced insane insomnia, anxiety attacks, and even nausea on the day of his funeral. I couldn’t even muster up the strength to sit in on the viewing, so my family allowed me to sit in the church lobby until the casket was closed.
Somehow I made it through my speech during the service (barely), but after it was all said and done, I knew I simply needed a change of scenery. Less than 48 hours after we buried my grandfather, I began planning an impromptu trip to Paris, one of my favorite cities in the world and host of the 2024 Olympic Games.
My therapist classified it as trying to escape my grief, but I saw it as a time to process while doing something that genuinely brought me joy. After going back and forth for about a day and a half, I had finalized my itinerary with my flight and hotel confirmed. Exactly a week later, I was on my flight headed to Paris, France.
Once I landed, I felt as though a weight had been lifted. Seeing all the Olympic signs and the overall Parisian aesthetic was an instant breath of fresh air. While it was slated to be a short trip, four days and three nights, I mapped out activities that I knew would make me the most happy while there—shopping, a trip to Disneyland Paris, and of course, an Olympic event.
As a self-proclaimed adult Disney fanatic, spending a day at the French capital’s version of the theme park allowed me to disconnect from real life and tap into my inner child. I rode the teacups, ate ice cream, and even lined up to watch one of the parades, where I excitedly waved at all the characters. I left the park that evening feeling renewed.
The next day, and for my official summer games experience, I headed to my pre-booked women’s 3rd round tennis match in the famous Roland Garros Stadium. The entire time, as I randomly yet passionately cheered on the underdog Chinese competitor of the match, I kept saying to myself, “I'm really at the Olympics in Paris.”
I should preface that with, I’ve technically been before, but it was the winter games while I lived in South Korea in 2018. So it was my first Summer Games.
Courtesy
With much of my trip bringing a smile to my face and spirit, there was a moment as I was leaving the tennis stadium when tears welled up. Typically, anytime I travel, my grandfather is the person I call once I return. He was always genuinely interested in hearing about where I had been and what I saw.
So, in true grief fashion, I had that moment where I got excited to call him and tell him about what I had just witnessed during my trip, and then reality hit. That was a call I would no longer be able to make. Admittedly, it left a lump in my throat, just as it did when I wrote this.
I began to question if my trip was worth it. If I hadn’t gone, would I still have this same sadness? It almost left me feeling like I should slow down on traveling for a while, or at least until I could handle the potential emotions that may result from not being able to talk to him anymore. Because the wound was still very fresh.
But, I remembered that travel is my personal love language. I also remembered how excited my grandfather and mother were to see me travel this big, beautiful world and experience global cultures. And in that moment, I knew this sadness was simply a temporary reaction to the lifelong cycle that I would go through.
Feeling my feels, as my therapist says, I allowed the emotions to do what they needed to, and then I went on to finish the rest of my trip on a high note. Because in the end, while they may not be here physically, they are certainly with me wherever I go in spirit—and that is what I will rest on as I continue to navigate this never-ending merry-go-round called grief.
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When I asked a few women I know if they ever tried that before, I was surprised to discover that not only had they, but many didn’t treat it as some random social media fad — they actually still do it to this day. Partly, because it’s fun to them and partly because their partner(s) seem to go crazy for it.
Listen, any time something sexual works like a charm, I’m going to shout it out — (late) trend or not. And so, if you’ve never heard of the whole coconut thing, you tried it and forgot all about it, or you just want to try something new/different/else tonight — here’s a reminder, in article form, that coconut-ting is still alive and well, y’all. And the men are all about it!
But First, The Grapefruit Technique
Video Credit: Myem/YouTube (Funny part starts at 2:40)
If this woman is not familiar to you on sight, you ain’t a real one. LOL. Although I know that a lot of people think that the concept of grapefruiting came from the movie Girls Trip (you can see the clip from the film here) that absolutely is not the case. Auntie Angel (whose real name is reportedly Denise Walker) is the creator of the Grapefruit Technique and although I thought that this video came out way earlier, apparently it made its way onto the YouTube streets sometime back in 2014.
If for some reason, you’re not familiar with grapefruiting on any level, I will tell you right now that I had to download this video because it is absolutely NSFW — so you should probably watch it on your lunch break (on your phone with the volume as low as possible) or at home…because chile, the sound effects? Whew, the sound effects. LOL. However, when I sat down to pen this piece, I thought it was hilarious that this video is what immediately came to mind because it seems like, when it comes to “blow his mind sex hacks,” fruit is constantly on the menu.
When it comes to oral sex, it’s grapefruit.
When it comes to ride ‘em cowgirl, it’s a coconut.
What Is the “Coconut” Sex Trend?
@windy_moraba #duet with @mysteri0us.gir1 spell coconut with your waist 😂😂😂
Okay, so what in the world does a coconut have to do with intercourse? Well, for starters, if you and your partner are looking for an all-natural lubricant, coconut oil works well. HOWEVER, do keep in mind that the disclaimer on this is you shouldn’t use it if condoms are in the mix because they can actually cause rubbers to be less effective (silicone lube is a solid bet for condoms, by the way).
There is another way that coconuts are kinda-sorta incorporated when it comes to making sex more pleasurable — and it actually became pretty popular right after COVID lockdown (2021): spelling C-O-C-O-N-U-T with your hips while you’re on top of your partner.
It’s wild how I forgot all about this until a client of mine was telling me how much her husband liked her on top while it wasn’t her favorite thing to do because it felt awkward to her. When I said, “Have you ever heard of spelling ‘coconut’ with your hips before?” — at first, she looked at me like I was crazy and then she busted out laughing: “Girl, no” was her reply.
Hmph. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it because, as wild as it might sound on the surface, the word isn’t the point so much as the movements that come with spelling it out are.
When you’re moving your pelvis around to make a “c,” “o” or U-turn, not only does it intensify the level of sensation that both you and your partner feel during intercourse, it can also increase the level of blood circulation to both of your genitalia which can make your orgasms more satisfying too.
At the end of the day, spelling “coconut” is simply reminding you that there are more options to riding than simply sitting there while your partner pumps for all he’s worth or you humping up and down like you’re on a pogo stick.
Spelling “coconut” is an easy hack to bring some variety into cowgirling. However…
Honestly, the “Fruit” Isn’t the Point. THIS IS.
GiphyFrom grapefruiting and spelling “coconut” to reading articles that I’ve penned for the platform like “How To Improve The Taste Of Sperm” — fruit and sex are always going to be a winning combination, one way or another. However, the main point of this article isn’t about making sure that you are a master speller so much as providing you with tips that will make the cowgirl position something that you are confident about and you find a ton of fulfillment in doing.
You can make both of these things happen by incorporating the following things:
Stretch beforehand. A charley horse during sex is the worst thing ever — and chile, don’t let it be right before you’re about to climax. SMDH. Yeah, if you want to feel more comfortable when you’re on top, make sure that you stretch beforehand and that you are well-hydrated. That will reduce the chances of experiencing a totally-out-of-nowhere muscle spasm — whether you decide to “spell” during sex or…not.
Bring pillows into the mix. Sometimes riding is a challenge because your partner feels farther away from your body than you would like. Putting a pillow underneath him can help to elevate his pelvis, so that you don’t feel like you’re stretching and straining. Speaking of pillows, a longer one can really come in handy because it can give your knees some additional support as well.
Also, ask him to put his knees up. Speaking of making the “grind” easier for you, ask your partner to put his knees up. That way, your back can recline on his legs as you’re moving your hips around. You’d be amazed how much this one hack can do for you. Straight up.
Add lube. When you get a chance, check out “The Wetter, The Better: 10 Creative Ways To Use Lubricant” and you will automatically see why bringing lubrication into a cowgirl session is an absolute must. It reduces friction. It makes your movements glide with ease. And it’s just more fun. Promise you that.
Lean in. If your partner happens to be on the larger side of life, one way that you can control his depth is by leaning forward into him. That way, your hips can better control how much or little he is inside of you, so that you can get into a position that gives you the sensation that you are looking for.
Get him to multitask. Again, whether you are spelling “coconut” or not and whether you are riding cowgirl or reverse cowgirl — something that is awesome about being on top is it frees your partner’s hands to do, umm, other things. And since it is so much easier to have an orgasm while your clitoris is being stimulated, get your partner to put some of the lube that we discussed earlier on his fingertips, so that he can gently rub on your clitoris while you are riding him. It doesn’t get much better than that!
Don’t wanna spell? Hula Hoop then. What if you try the whole coconut thing and it’s not a favorite for you (or him)? No problem — when’s the last time that you hula hooped? Pretend that you have one of those around your hips and move around that way. I’d be shocked if you ended up feeling “meh” about that option.
5 Guys Tell Me What They Love When Their Partner Is on Top
GiphyA part of the reason why I am “team cowgirl” is because it provides a lot of benefits to the woman: she has more control, it tends to be more comfortable for her, it’s a great position for a quickie and the orgasms tend to be that much more — wonderful. However, as I was thinking about spelling coconut, in general, I couldn’t help but wonder what guys thought about it and the cowgirl position overall.
If you’re curious, here’s what five of ‘em said.
1. Braxford. Engaged. 35. “Y’all be spelling up there? Who knew? My favorite thing about when my fiancée is on top is what I think every man likes: the view. It’s a chance to see her entire body and experience it at the same time. Not even doggy style accomplishes that. Damn, where’s my lady at?”
2. Denez. Single. 42. “Do you know how many ‘spots’ you have access to when y’all are on top? Breasts are in my mouth. Hickeys are on her neck. Prop my head up on a pillow and her tummy is getting licked. When a woman is riding you, it’s sensory overload! It’s crazy how each one looks amazing in that position too.”
3. Omar. In a Serious Relationship. 29. “[He said her name yet I’m not going to share it] isn’t a very vocal lover. Her body and technique are insane, so even though I love dirty talk, I’ve learned to compromise — except when she’s on top. She’s not saying much but those moans? And yeah, we tried the coconut thing. ‘Cs’ and ‘Os,’ hell yeah. ‘Ns’ and “Ts’? Nah.”
4. Nolen. Single. 45. “45 isn’t old but it’s old enough for your back to show out on you when you least expect it. My experience has been that women don’t want a lot of thrusting when they are on top, so it’s like having some of the best sex without having to do much at all. Well, aside from trying not to bust too quickly. I take that back: riding is easy on the body; it’s work on the brain.”
5. Ivan. Married. 37. “I like the spelling sh-t because it switches things up. We make a game out of it by her picking a word and spelling out while I try and guess what it is. We also try to see how many words that we can get to before one of us cums. 12 words is pushing it unless it’s like ‘dog’ or ‘cat’ or something. I’ve guessed ‘coconut’ a few times and I get what the excitement is all about. Spelling bee sex: try it.”
Yep. I concur.
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