From Immigrant To Entrepreneur: How Rosa Acosta Hustled Her Way To Being Her Own Boss
It's July 2009 and the official video of Drake's “Best I Ever Had" has just hit the Internet.
A group of beautiful and voluptuous girls run out on the basketball court (bra-less, of course) in low-cut pink wrestling singlets and matching sweatbands repping team Drake. The beardless, baby-faced rapper is making each of his “players" feel special as they sensually stretch and bounce in attempt to get coach's attention.
But there's one girl who throughout the video doesn't appear to be vying for the title of MVP. She stays mostly in the background, occasionally caught on camera gracefully stretching, but otherwise relatively hidden. Despite the lack of visibility, it's 25-year-old Rosa Acosta's big debut. Not the one she expected when she moved from the Dominican Republic just three years before, but the one that would earn her a spot in the video girl hall of fame—whether she wanted it or not.
“I never wanted to be a model and be in music videos, this is not something that I dreamed about. This is not something that I thought would ever happen to me," she says.
Video vixen. Urban model. Four words that when paired together distastefully roll off the tongue as they come with their own set of connotations that the entrepreneur believes are neither accurate nor representative of who she is as a woman. Despite retiring from the game a few years prior, Acosta still finds herself shedding the labels of her past. “I still get a lot of calls to continue to do music videos. They will still have me doing music videos at the tender age of 45 if I was still looking good."
Like most immigrants, Rosa Acosta came to America looking for opportunity, though, in her hometown of Santo Domingo, she was arguably already a burgeoning star. As a classically-trained ballet dancer who studied since the age of four, she would graduate with honors from the Instituto de Cultura y Arte (ICA) and become the youngest soloist member of the Ballet Nacional Dominicana—performing around the country in notable shows such as The Nutcracker, Swan Lake, and Carmen. But her battle with anorexia and bulimia took a toll on her 100-pound frame, forcing her to decide between living her dream or staying alive.
At home, her circumstances weren't much better. Her mom left for America years prior, but as a single parent that didn't meet the required income level for immigration laws, she couldn't afford to bring over Acosta and her brother for the first ten years. So Acosta grew up with old-school grandparents who would place more value on virginity than education for the girls of the house.
“From an early age, I experienced this gender thing where they would try to make me feel like because I was a woman, I was less or I was just supposed to marry somebody and cook and clean. When my brother talked, they would ask him what he wanted to be when he grew older, but for me it was just she's going to marry somebody, and that's it."
Becoming a rebel, she chose to trade in her culinary skills for business school and attended the local community college against her grandparent's will. The decision caused a rift back home, so when the paperwork for coming to America was finally approved, she made moves to the land of opportunity with hopes of going back to college. But when she arrived she was unable to transfer her credits, and due to high tuition costs decided that dishing out $15,000 to go to school for massage therapy was more reasonable. By this time she had relocated from her mom's home in Pennsylvania to New York, where she picked up a job as a bartender while finishing school.
In May 2009, she received a message on MySpace from a guy who owned a website featuring videos of ex-dancers, contortionists, and strippers doing their stretching and dance routines. The former dancer didn't hesitate to put on a tank top and a pair of shorts and get back to her glory days. The video was picked up by entertainment gossip site MediaTakeOut, raking in millions of views and attracting the eyeballs of artists and magazine editors who suddenly wanted to know the new girl on the block. In a matter of months, Acosta's life went from zero to one hundred as she started picking up hosting gigs, features in KING and XXL, and a number of music video appearances for artists such as Chris Brown, Lil' Wayne, and Diddy. Even though the dollars were making sense, she didn't have the intention of staying in the business long. "I never thought of it as a career; I was just going with the flow and making some money. I always felt like it wasn't going to be something that would last for a year and then I'd try to make all the money that I can because I wanted to own a spa," she says.
She made it three years before calling it quits in 2012.
“I just realized that I was in the wrong thing when people judge you based on the fact that you are not spending $5,000 on a pair of shoes. When I saw the kind of people that I was working with and surrounding myself with every day, I said I don't even want to do this anymore. I don't want to be around people that are that dumb. I want to be around people that inspire me, that I can learn something from, that are making moves towards building true wealth."
She's partially referring to an incident in 2010 when rapper Maino commented on her “cheap" shoe game, which Acosta kindly gave the fiery response in her own interview, “I wasn't aware they could give you lessons about women's shoes in prison" before adding that she's still the same girl from the Dominican Republic and won't buy a $2,000 pair of shoes when she can't afford it. Her money goes to helping her family back in DR or her own education.
While people were checking for her bank account, Acosta was busy building it. In addition to becoming a regular on Nick Cannon's Wild 'n Out and launching her fitness apparel line Body by Acosta, she was also running her online business CossaMia, a one-stop shop for clothing designers and brands that is run and self-funded by the entrepreneur. When Acosta first came up with the idea, she reached out to fellow friends and designers Geebin Flores and Angel Brinks about the opportunity. “I just wanted to offer people the opportunity to order all the brands that they like in one place," she says. “If you like two or three of the brands that we have, instead of going to their websites and paying separate shipping, you could just pay no shipping or just one shipping for everything."
Acosta began posting the designs on Instagram, attracting more designers, and to date has almost 20 brands featured on the site. “There isn't anything wrong with capitalizing off of Instagram or any social media period. It takes a lot of time and dedication; it is not cheap to have an Instagram "boutique."
After hustling hashtags for four years, Acosta opened her flagship store on Melrose Ave. in Los Angeles this past October, and is looking to expand to other locations in the near future. “No rich mom and dad backing me up, no boyfriend, sugar daddy, investor, friend, drug dealer money, none of that stuff."
At the Grand Opening of CossaMia
"This is me doing the same thing I've been doing since the beginning—not spending my money on shoes and bags, but putting it into my work and investing in my business."
Having multiple streams of income has definitely afforded Acosta a taste of the lifestyle of the rich and famous. While on our call she was shopping for her new home (she tells me it's big), which she hoped to move into within a month. She has already purchased a home for her brother (a DJ) and her mother, who she says no longer works.
As for who will be living with her in this new, big house? That's to be determined. During most of her career, she was dating a low-key guy not in the industry who she purposefully kept out of the public eye, but they recently broke up, and according to the 31-year-old, she's not interested in young men. “I just don't have anything to talk about with a guy that is 22. I mean, I can have a casual conversation, but I doubt that I can actually be enlightened and I can learn…I just don't see myself totally connecting and clicking with people 10 years younger than me."
In fact, she admits that she's hardly ever interested in men period, which is ironic considering that her claim to fame stems from guys salivating over her silhouette. But Acosta says she never grew up being “boy crazy," and due to attending an all-girls school felt no pressure to have her first boyfriend until she was 20-years-old. “I always had my relationships are more so like my friendships with my girlfriends, they take a lot of my time. I like a guy like once every five or six years. I think that the older I get, the less I like guys. I've been hoping that I was normal and that I liked guys like everybody who are like, 'you're so hot, you're so fine' and I'm like, who?"
So does she want kids?
“Yes, definitely. I know I'm going to be a mom, I just don't know under which circumstances. Me and my best friend think about this all the time, about what if we get to the time where we feel like physically we are reaching that point but there's no men around. We have contemplated the idea of doing something where she will have my babies or I will have her babies or something like that, and the idea of getting married and doing it ourselves, but I'm not sure yet."
Now I'm curious. Is this a sexual relationship between you and your best friend? Or…
“More so in a partnership for both of us. I mean, we love each other very much in a way that is not selfish, and I don't own her and she doesn't own me. I think I have more intimacy with her than some people that are sleeping together. There's so much more to somebody's dreams and wishes and personality, and I think that I have those things with some of my friends, we know each other so well and we love each other in a way that is really amazing."
She goes on to explain that finding someone who actually cares to help you grow and who won't just slide in your DMs (which she doesn't check by the way) thinking that's all it takes to establish a connection is a dime a dozen. I'm not sure if she's talking out of frustration with her dating experience, or if she's starting to become at peace with the idea that maybe marrying a man isn't in the cards for her. The idea of intimacy versus a sexual relationship where you really understand and have a deeper connection with someone, even if it's a female friend, is an interesting conversation that challenges the traditional idea of marriage and relationships—one that isn't defined by the physical, but the mental and emotional connection with a partner.
When I ask her if she thinks growing up in a household that placed so much emphasis on her vagina had an impact on her sexuality, she says, “I always had common sense to understand that my worth goes beyond my pussy. If for some reason I could never use it again, there is somebody out there at would love me regardless. Don't get me wrong, I have a very sexual sense of humor, and I realize that a lot of people's lives are ruled off of sex and I was able to capitalize off of that and make a lot of money, but sex is very minimal in my life."
And she's certainly used her assets to create assets. With each lip-pucker, back arch, and look-back-at-it pose she padded her bank account. It's easy to confine and define her by the profession that she gracefully stretched her way into, but in an era of social media booty beauties showing less for no paychecks, Rosa Acosta has played the game smart by expanding her brand beyond her three years of fame.
It's certainly not easy to remain in the public eye when everyone has an opinion about who you are and what you do with your own body. It takes a certain level of confidence, or maybe just nonchalance, to have your every move—every post—critiqued and criticized by those who took the time to type in your name. Though Acosta appears sure of herself now, often sharing photos of her fit physique, that wasn't always the case.
“I feel like I come from a place where Rosa Acosta's are very common. Girls that look like me, there are really hundreds of them everywhere. When I came to America, people used to compliment me on things I didn't like. I think that seeing other opinions, I realized that beauty is really in the eye of the beholder. There are many opinions, but the only opinion that truly matters is yours."
I ask her how, then, did she become so confident in her sexuality. After all, posing for men's magazines and constantly being on display takes some level of guts.
“I mean, hey look, there's Photoshop, you don't need to be that confident. They're going to make sure that you look good," she says matter-of-factly. “I had my moments where I haven't been sexually confident or just confident in myself period, but I have realized that being the baddest bitch was not my priority. And being the bitch with the best body or the baddest head game, these things have never been one of my goals. I still work to make sure I look good, and that I'm happy with the way I look, but I have also tried to put as much effort on spiritually growing."
One thing you won't catch Rosa doing is being a hater. She believes in building up and not tearing down women who may look better or are doing better than her. “When I look at a woman, I try to say a couple of things that she's better at than me. I think it's healthy to realize that there are people more beautiful than you, more successful than you. I just acknowledge that people can look better, can be doing better, can be better, and then I use that as fuel and try to continue with my journey."
Just as she may be admiring other women, Rosa has her own admirable characteristics, such as her dedication to her community. She's often seen feeding the homeless on Wednesdays with My Friends House in LA, teaching dance classes to kids, and volunteering in Tanzania. And no, she's not just doing it for the 'gram, growing up in the Dominican Republic she was volunteering at home for kids with Down syndrome and also working with the animals that she so dearly loves (she recently went back to being vegetarian—ten years after being advised by her doctor to eat meat due to her eating disorders).
One thing I can say about Rosa Acosta is that she's unapologetically open, and in an industry where people put on personalities like a costume, she's managed to humbly stay true to who she is—a woman who would rather rock a pair of Forever 21 shoes and be about her business than put up a façade. Her next mission? Changing how the world views her.
And this time, the ball is in her court.
For Us, By Us: How HBCU Alumni Are Building Legacies Through Entrepreneurship
Homecoming season is here, and alumni are returning to the yard to celebrate with their friends and family at the historically Black colleges and universities (HBCUs) that have changed their lives forever.
No matter where their life journeys have taken them, for HBCU students from near and far, returning to where it all started can invoke feelings of nostalgia, appreciation for the past, and inspiration for the future.
The seeds for these entrepreneurs were planted during their time as students at schools like Spelman, North Carolina A&T, and more, which is why xoNecole caught up with Look Good Live Well’s Ariane Turner, HBCU Buzz’s Luke Lawal and Morehouse Senior Director of Marketing and Comms and Press Secretary Jasmine Gurley to highlight the role their HBCU roots play in their work as entrepreneurs, the legacy they aim to leave behind through the work that they do, and more as a part of Hyundai’s Best In Class initiative.
On Honoring HBCU Roots To Create Something That Is For Us, By Us
Ariane Turner
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When Ariane Turner launched Look Good, Live Well, she created it with Black and brown people in mind, especially those with sensitive skin more prone to dryness and skin conditions like acne and eczema.
The Florida A&M University graduate launched her business to create something that addressed topical skin care needs and was intentional about its approach without negative terminology.
Turner shared that it is important to steer clear of language often adopted by more prominent brands, such as “banishing breakouts” or “correcting the skin,” because, in reality, Turner says there is nothing wrong with the way that our skin and bodies react to various life changes.
“I think what I have taken with me regarding my HBCU experience and translated to my entrepreneurial experience is the importance of not just networking,” Turner, the founder and CEO of Look Good, Live Well, tellls xoNecole.
“We hear that in business all the time, your network is your net worth, but family, there’s a thing at FAMU that we call FAMU-lee instead of family, and it’s very much a thing. What that taught me is the importance of not just making relationships and not just making that connection, but truly working on deepening them, and so being intentional about connecting with people initially, but staying connected and building and deepening those relationships, and that has served me tremendously in business, whether it’s being able to reach back to other classmates who I went to school with, or just networking in general.”
She adds, “I don’t come from a business background. As soon as I finished school, I continued with my entrepreneurial journey, and so there’s a lot of that traditional business act and the networking, those soft skills that I just don’t have, but I will say that just understanding how to leverage and network community and to build intentional relationships is something that has taken me far and I definitely got those roots while attending FAMU.”
On Solving A Very Specific Need For The Community
Luke Lawal Jr.
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When Luke Lawal Jr. launched HBCU Buzz, his main focus was to represent his community, using the platform to lift as they climbed by creating an outlet dedicated to celebrating the achievements and positive news affecting the 107 historically HBCUs nationwide.
By spotlighting the wonderful things that come from the HBCU community and coupling it with what he learned during his time at Bowie State University, Lawal used that knowledge to propel himself as an entrepreneur while also providing his people with accurate representation across the internet.
“The specific problem in 2011 when I started HBCU Buzz was more so around the fact that mainstream media always depict HBCUs as negative,” Lawal says. “You would only see HBCUs in the mainstream media when someone died, or the university president or someone was stepping down. It was always bad news, but they never shed light on all the wonderful things from our community."
So, I started HBCU Buzz to ensure the world saw the good things that come from our space. And they knew that HBCUs grew some of the brightest people in the world, and just trying to figure out ways to make sure our platform was a pedestal for all the students that come through our institutions.”
“The biggest goal is to continue to solve problems, continue to create brands that solve the problems of our communities, and make sure that our products, our brands, our companies, and institutions are of value and they’re helping our community,” he continues. “That they’re solving problems that propel our space forward.”
On How Being An HBCU Alum Impacts The Way One Shows Up In The World
Jasmine Gurley
Courtesy
Jasmine Gurley is a proud North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University alum. She is even more delighted with her current role, which enables her to give back to current HBCU students as the Senior Director of Brand Marketing and Communications and official press secretary at Morehouse College.
“It was a formative experience where I really was able to come into my own and say yes to all the opportunities that were presented to me, and because of that, it’s been able to open the doors later in life too,” says Gurley of her experience at North Carolina A&T. “One thing I love about many HBCUs is that we are required to learn way more about African American history than you do in your typical K through 12 or even at the higher ed level."
She adds, “It allowed us to have a better understanding of where we came from, and so for me, because I’m a storyteller, I’m a history person, I’m very sensitive to life in general, being able to listen to the stories and the trials that our ancestors overcame, put the battery pack in my back to say, ‘Oh nothing can stop me. Absolutely nothing can stop me. I know where I came from, so I can overcome something and try anything. And I have an obligation to be my ancestors’ wildest dreams. Simultaneously, I also have a responsibility to help others realize that greatness.
Gurley does not take her position at an HBCU, now as a leader, lightly.
“People think I’m joking when I say I’m living the dream, but I really am,” she notes. “So I wake up every day and know that the work that I do matters, no matter how hard it might be, how frustrating it may be, and challenging it. I know the ripple effect of my work, my team, and what this institution does also matter. The trajectory of Black male experiences, community, history, and then just American advancement just in general.”
On the other hand, through her business, Sankofa Public Relations, Gurley is also on a mission to uplift brands in their quest to help their respective communities. Since its inception in 2017, Sankofa PR has been on a mission to “reach back and reclaim local, national, and global communities by helping those actively working to move” various areas of the world, focusing on pushing things forward for the better.
“Through Sankofa, we’ve worked with all different types of organizational brands and individuals in several different industries, but I would think of them as mission-based,” says Gurley.
“So with that, it’s an opportunity to help people who are trying to do good in the world, and they are passionate about what they’re doing. They just need help with marketing issues, storytelling, and branding, and that’s when my expertise can come into play. Help them get to that moment where they can tell their story through me or another platform, and that’s been super fulfilling.”
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
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According To Science, Being 'Dickmatized' Is A Very Real Thing, Y'all.
I don’t know if it’s because there’s something in the water or what, but if there’s one question that I’ve been asked over and over again this year, it’s if there truly is such a thing as being dickmatized. Now, I don’t mean if the actual concept exists because we all know that if something shows up in theUrban Dictionary (half kidding/half serious), it must be real — and, according to it, being dickmatized is “when the d-ck is so good [that] you become utterly hypnotized by the guy that gave it to you.”
Since a hypnotic state is literally about the ability “to influence, control, or direct completely, as by personal charm, words, or domination,” — I guess that, technically, this article could end here. However, if you’ve been reading my content for a while, you already know that I’m going to unpack this way beyond the surface.
Because, if you genuinely are in, let’s call it, a “semi-complex sexual situation” (or is it an addiction?) with a guy right now that has you thinking his eggplant is damn near taking over your bedroom and 75.97 percent of its surrounding areas, we need to figure out how it got to that point and how you can set yourself free — or at least how you can keep things under control (if that is indeed what you want to do).
If you’re ready to choose to accept that mission, let’s look into what being dickmatized is truly all about.
What Does It Really Mean to Be Dickmatized?
Personally, whenever I think of the word “dickmatize,” the first thing that comes to my mind is the movie Love Jones. If you’re a real one, you already know the scene that I am referring to. It’s when Nina was riding in the taxi (you know, the Lyft before Lyft) with her BFF Josie as she was explaining how her first date turned into her first time having sex with Darius. Y’all know what that woman said: “It was like his d-ck just…spoke to me.”
Now that’s fiction (even if it’s good fiction), so to bring some reality and validity to her point, I decided to do some investigating. First, starting with myself. As I reflected on my past sex partners, I mean, if we’re going to be word-literal, there are some penises that were prettier and “easier to receive” (read between the several different lines there, chile) than others.
I’ve also had enough of them in my lifetime that I really want y’all to get over the shoe myth or the assumption that the taller a man is, the bigger things for him can be (NOT TRUE; penis size has to do with genetics more than anything). While you’re at it, please also ditch the “a big one is the only way that I’ll be pleased.” It can’t be said enough that vaginas are about 4” long, and they have to stretch to accommodate beyond that.
Meaning, find a man who wants to please you, regardless of size, and you’ll be good; there’s no need to learn this the — no pun intended — hard way.
Okay, but back to the point: If dickmatized is another word for sexmatized, then yes, I’ve been there. Definitely three partners, off the rip, get a standing ovation in my eyes, yet it wasn’t just because of their member; our chemistry was off-the-charts, the foreplay was on-point, the oral sex was bananas, and yes, they made it their priority and goal to make sure that I orgasmed. Salute to them. And has this winning combo ever caused me to lose my mind? I mean, if by that you mean that I mistook great sex for a healthy relationship — sure.
However, I think that being dickmatized goes a bit — again, pardon the pun — deeper than that.
That’s why I asked some of my friends and clients if they thought that they’d been dickmatized before. No joke, one woman got a glazed look in her eyes and simply nodded “yes.” LOL. When I asked her to expound, she shared that she once had a partner who she had very little in common with, and yet, they kept having sex for years on end, and it was literally because she was consumed with and by his skin, lips, and penis: “No matter how much we didn’t connect on the mental tip, if he let me see that thang, I was butter.”
Another woman said that she actually cheats to this day (check out “I Talked To Some Women About Why They Cheat. Here's What They Said.” and “Women Cheat More Than We Think. What To Do If That’s You.”) with her dickmatizer. According to her, she loves her man, but he will never top the sex that she has with the other guy. Chile…CHILE.
Then, I hopped onto YouTube to see what it had to say on the topic. A little over seven-minute video entitled, "Signs That You Are Dickmatized” featured a woman who said that a telling sign that you are, indeed, dickmatized is if you are in denial about it because if he is say, married or has a billion kids or is unemployed and yet you find a way to rationalize being or staying with him, it must be because his d-ck has you caught up.
Or if you’re sitting in church (or wherever) and all that you can think about is “him” or what happens when you’re with him, sexually, that’s another surefire indicator that you are probably dickmatized. Hmph, as far as social media goes, if you’re on pretty much any platform and you put “sneaky link” in the search field (or you hashtag it)…I’ll put it to you this way — how could sneaky links not be the result of some serious dickmatizing on some level because, at the end of the day, you’re sneaking around to have sex and not much else— and oftentimes you’re taking some fascinating risks in order to do it.
Yeah, it really does seem like a case for being dickmatized is only getting stronger. Okay, but so far, all that I’ve talked about are opinions. Is there anything that science says to back that being dickmatized is rooted in some actual facts?
Science Can Actually Explain How “Good D” Can Turn You Out
GiphyLet’s start with an article that I read on a health-related site that asked if men or women experience more pleasure during sex. What it basically said was since men orgasm 90 percent of the time and women only do 50 percent of the time, men get the upper hand in that department. Okay, so if what the research is saying here is that your partner being able to “get you there” constitutes as the ultimate pleasurable (sex) experience, then the guys who have helped you to cum — extra brownie points if it’s vaginally because that’s harder for many women to achieve — would put you on the path to being dickmatized.
Let’s keep going.
Another article that I checked out contained some pretty solid research regarding what happens to the brain whenever there is penile stimulation. Long story short, it increases blow flood to the part of your brain that is designed to regulate emotion. Then, if you happen to have an orgasm while all of this penetration is going on, it will amplify the part of your brain that plays a role in your decision-making process (bookmark that).
Then there are all of the hormones that are able to rush through your system during sex. Prolactin helps to regulate stress; dopamine cultivates feelings of pleasure and motivation; I can’t tell you how many times I have said in a sex-related article that oxytocin literally bonds you to your sex partners (and it can cause you to feel like you can trust the person who you are sleeping with), and endorphins literally mimic the feeling of a morphine hit.
That morphine point is a real doozy. Why? Because morphine helps to take pain away, and endorphins naturally do the same thing. Oh, and I can’t let vasopressin slide. It also likes to make its presence known during copulation and here’s the thing about it: it literally makes it difficult for your brain to distinguish the difference between what is right and what is wrong (uh-oh).
So, think about it: If there’s a guy who takes you to peaks of pleasure that others can’t, then every time he enters you, he gets all into your feelings and alters the decisions you make, and even if you know that either he’s no good for you or things are never really going to go anywhere, sex with him (temporarily) removes feelings of discomfort and makes it hard for you to know what’s actually right for you…and then you keep messing with him over and over…and over again — do you see how this is the perfect (once more, pardon the pun) cocktail for being, well, dickmatized?
Add to this one of my favorite “Wow, I had no clue” random information websites, Cracked. It features an article entitled, "5 Bad Sexual Decisions (And Why We Make Them).” In it, it shares studies that state that the folks go back to “ex-sex” because they are in denial that things are over. Not only that, but a lot of women will have unprotected sex with men solely based on their level of attraction to him (and thinking that if he looks good, the risk of STIs will go down — SMDH). Hmph.
When it comes to that second point, I also think that some women believe that raw sex makes them feel special when, honestly, men who will “wrap it up” to protect your health and prevent unwanted pregnancies are who actually care about you. #pleaseletthatmarinate
Oh, and while some articles out here profess that good sex can “make you fall in love” (insert eye roll here), I have way too much respect for love to jump on that bandwagon. What I will say is if you’re not a constant student of learning the differences between infatuation, lust, love, and being in love, good sex can certainly mimic it (y’all be careful out here).
Bottom line, it looks like science has indeed provided us with enough data to support the fact that even if it didn’t come up with the word “dickmatize,” if you feel like good D has consumed you at some point in your life, it’s probably not all up in your head. Some sho’nuf body changes helped to make it a reality for you.
3 Signs It’s His…You Know and Not Really Him. One (Main) Thing to Do About It.
Sis, if you read all of this and then said, “Seeeee…it’s not my fault that I’m in a cul-de-sac sexual situation. It’s science” — yeah, let’s not play those games because, if dickmatizing pretty much only happens from having sex then you already know what can un-dickmatize you, right? RIGHT?! Okay, but I’m getting a little ahead of myself. Again, because the feelings that come from mind-blowing coitus can cause things to get a little tricky from time to time, how can you really know if you’re dickmatized — or not?
1. All you really have in common with him is sex. Listen, liking the same movies or DoorDash take-out does not make a solid relationship. If you know for a fact that if you took away the sex, there wouldn’t be much left to go on, then that is a great indicator that you are a victim of dickmatization. The dangerous thing about this particular point is time is something that you can’t ever get back, so is it worth it to have mind-numbing sex if you really want a relationship? Only you know that, my dear. Do be honest with yourself, though.
2. Your vagina and your common sense are always in debates (and your vagina is usually losing). It’s actually pretty natural to want to do things that make us feel good. The problem lies whenever you try to abandon all truth, facts, and logic in order to try and justify whatever that “pleasure source” may be. That said, it was actually a business website that provided some great points about how to know if you lack common sense in some area (even if you are an educated individual): you underestimate risks; you overcomplicate solutions; you misjudge time; you overanalyze simple situations (if it’s just sex, don’t make it more than that), and you pretty much suck at reading social cues (like, he may be having sex with you but that doesn’t mean you’re his only partner and/or that he has any future plans beyond sex for/with you).
3. You are lowering your standards. Look, some folks like to be dickmatized. That’s all they are really looking for and so, for them, for now, life is good. However, if you’re sticking around for the penis, all the while believing that you and “that guy” are going to turn into a 2.0 version of Darius and Nina — IT WAS A MOVIE. And sis, if you want a relationship, don’t deceive yourself into thinking that good sex will (automatically) turn into that.
Listen, although casual sex can be a lot of fun, I say often that casual means that something has no real aim or purpose, so if you want a relationship and you’re in a purposeless dynamic — you are lowering your standards, and that is, let’s go with, highly unfortunate.
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Okay, so as I’m about to wind all of this down, look at the feature pic again. Like really look at her. If the first thing that you noticed is she looks a lot like Denise Huxtable after she married Lt. Martin Kendall (the real ones know), I would agree. If the second thought that came to mind is, “Damn, are they a real couple because her stare is hella intense?” — that’s why I picked it. She is the epitome of what being dickmatized can look like.
And since I shared so many ways that sex can lead to dickmatization, well, if you want to get out of its clutches, you already know what you need to do. If his d-ck has you trippin’ (insert Total’s “Trippin’” right here), staying away from it — detoxing, if you will — is how to get on the road to logic, common sense, and genuine freedom.
Really, and totally wanting to do that? Yeah, that’s another matter entirely. For now, I will conclude with some pearls of wisdom from a client, though: “Girrrl, it took me a good six months to not act like I was coming off of a drug. But after I went cold turkey [insert Anthony David’s song about that here], I realized that all I was getting was good sex. I wanted more. Women can have both. They just have to choose it.”
YOU CAN HAVE A RELATIONSHIP AND SEX. YOU. JUST. HAVE. TO. CHOOSE IT.
If you’re currently and certifiably dickmatized right now, which way you leaning? Into the consequences of sex and science or the decision to get all of you want and not just — a piece of it (the puns keep on coming)?
Being dickmatized can be euphoric and also stagnating AF.
Please read this over again…and then choose wisely. Very.
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