10 Ways To Build Sexual Desire In The Day...To Make Sex Even Better At Night

It was right around this time last year (give or take a few weeks) that The New York Times published an article entitled, “To Enjoy Life More, Embrace Anticipation.” The gist of it is, if you want to improve your overall mood, increase your energy levels, and make you feel more excited by whatever is transpiring in the present — give yourself some things to look forward to in the future; the sooner the better too.

And since sex and relationships are very much so my lane, you already know where my mind went: if getting hype about what’s to come will ultimately make an experience better, why not provide y’all some sex-themed ways to cultivate anticipation between you and your bae during the day, so that sex will be even that much more mind-blowing at night — hell, hopefully, tonight?

1. Tell Him Something That You Miss About Him — Right After He Leaves


Who doesn’t want to be missed, right? Yet oftentimes, when you’ve been in a long-term relationship for a while (especially if you live with the person), it may never cross your mind to express it. I mean, if you deal with them on a constant basis, what possibly could you miss? Yeah, but watch this, though — no one gets the totality of an individual 24/7, especially when it comes to sex. What I mean by that is, if you’ve got a partner who is absolutely awesome to you and the sex is bomb to boot? Even if it’s only been three days since the last time you got some, there is gonna be some point in your day when you stop to think about how that man hit that spot, just right, and it’s going to cause you to shake your head, quiver…something.

Instead of keeping that thought to yourself, tell him what you enjoy about those moments; then let him know that you miss him to the point where you can’t wait to experience it with him again. I’ve been working with couples for a long time, y’all, and if there’s one thing that men tell me often is that they wish that their partners would tell them that they love them, desire them, and miss them more often.

That said, don’t wait until the end of the day either. Do it within 10 minutes of him walking out of the door in the morning. If it doesn’t make him turn right back around and give you some morning sex, it will definitely keep you on his mind, on a more amplified level, throughout the rest of the day. I can just about guarantee it.

2. Surprise Him with an Aphrodisiac-Themed Lunch


I don’t think it will come as a shocker to most of y’all thataround 62 percent of people take their lunch break at their desk (if they take one at all). If you add to that the fact that a lot of us work remotely, which makes us work longer and harder instead of smarter (SMDH), it’s no wonder thatso many articles out in cyberspace say that it’s essential that we take our lunch breaks in order to rest, rejuvenate and even recalibrate a bit.

You shouldn’t want your man to go to a drive-thru when there are healthier options — like homemade meals. That said, some foods that are considered to be bona fide aphrodisiacs include avocados, asparagus, basil, dark chocolate, cloves, sage, watermelon, honey, pistachios,apples, red wine, and beef. So, sometime this week, make your man lunch and add some aphrodisiac foods in there along with a note that simply says (something along the lines of), “So…you know these are aphrodisiacs, right?”. I’m thinking that he’ll immediately get the hint. #wink

3. Sext Him Some Sexual Questions


Something that my clients can vouch for when it comes to something that I advise just about all of them to do is get clarity from their partner by presenting things in question form. Questions get people off of the defensive. Questions help your tone to soften during your delivery. Questions make other people feel like we want to get to know them over, assuming that we already do (P.S. You will never know all that there is to know about something because humans are forever evolving). Questions can also arouse the imagination.

When was the last time that you asked your partner some sexual questions? Like what their current favorite fantasy is? What’s something that really turns them on that they wish you would do more often? Where would they like to have sex that the two of you never have before? What would they like to try that they thought you would be too scared to attempt? What’s the best orgasm they’ve had since the two of you have been together?

There is a win/win that comes with this line of inquiry: your partner can reflect on things that will arouse them, and you can learn more about how to keep that kind of energy going once you’re back in each other’s presence. Yeah, text or email him a few questions. Be prepared for him to ask you a few in his replies, too.

4. Send Him a Favorite Sex Song


A few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Before You Pull Out Your Playlist, This Is How Music Affects Your Sex Life.” When you get a chance, check it out. There are quite a few studies out there that support just how much music impacts us. When it comes to sex, specifically, one thing that science has revealed is the kind of music that we listen to can actually determine the type of sex that we end up having. For instance, believe it or not, people who listen to blues, jazz, and country reported being sexually satisfied more than anyone else — so, if that’s you and your partner’s thing, send them one of your favorites from those lanes.

Something else to take note of is the fact that music has a way of spontaneously bringing certain memories to mind, not just the memory itself but certain details that you might not recall otherwise. And so, think about a song (or two or a complete playlist) that always gets you in the mood — or even better, a song that is connected to a memory of some of the best sex that you and your boo has ever had with no context. Then wait to see how he responds. If it’s a sex-themed emoji, perfect. If it’s a “what’s this?” — expound. Just as graphically as you possibly can, by the way. Then, turn that memory into a present-day experience that tops it. #whewchile

5. Then Send Him a Pic of a New Sex Position


Although we typically only hear the word “resolution” whenever the top of the year rolls around, at the end of the day, a resolution is simply an expressed intention. That’s why I write articles like “10 Sex Resolutions Every Married Couple Should Make” because if we’re all doing this life thing right, every day should be seen as an opportunity to make a fresh start. Therefore, when it comes to sex, one way to do that is to learn some new sex positions.

A book that can help you out is365 Sex Positions: A New Way Every Day for a Steamy, Erotic Year(yep, you read that right!). While you’re waiting for your order to arrive, there are 100 sex positions (complete with illustrations) that you can check outhere. Just imagine how your man will feel if you send a “Hey, how about this tonight?” message out of the blue. C’mon now.

6. Do a Random “Moan” Call

I once read an article that said a part of the reason why making noises during sex is beneficial is if they are genuine (meaning, if you’re not faking it), it can let your partner know that you’re not indifferent to what is transpiring — that you are actually present and totally in the moment with them.

And so, when I unofficially polled some men about what they liked about moans during copulation, one thing that stood out to me was a guy who said that it’s a sound that causes a woman to sound her most feminine and seductive at the same time.

So, think about it: in the middle of a busy work day, what man wouldn’t want to receive a random call from his lady on the other line bringing him into her energy by providing a sound effect that’s reminiscent of some of his favorite times with her? Listen, if you want that man of yours to rush home after work, invest in a 30-second call that consists of softly moaning his name. You’ll be amazed by how much of an impact that it makes — on you both.

7. Offer Up a (New) Safe Word


People who really like to be adventurous when it comes to sex will sometimes come up with a safe word. If you’re not familiar, it’s a word that lets your partner know when you may be about to be pushed to your limit and you need to either pause or stop completely. The reason why I think this is another sexy anticipation hack is because sending your man a message that says something along the lines of “Hey babe, how about this being our new safe word for tonight?” — subtly yet not so subtly conveys the message that you’re down for getting out of missionary style and trying something new; something on his sex bucket list that you’ve been putting off, perhaps? Hmm…

8. Have a Sexual “Inside Joke” Delivered to His Job


Okay, what I mean here is share something that only the two of you would understand — maybe a type of mint that you tried once when you were performing fellatio on him or a sexual condiment that is your favorite whenever he goes down on you; if it’s a tangible item and it can be incognito, have it delivered to his job (or leave it in his car before he goes to work). Or, it could be an actual joke of some sort because if you’ve heard that a good sense of humor is something that both men and women find to be a top-tier trait when it comes to attraction, take that to heart;it is indeed the truth.

And when youadd to that the fact that a good joke or laugh, even if it’s got some sexual undertones to it, can lead to less stress, more intimacy, and more creativity in the bedroom (which studies have also revealed) — why not shoot an inside joke that is hella sexy his way?

9. Reenergize Him with Some (Brief) Sexual Meditation


Even though a lot of people reserve meditating for when they’re not at the office,there can be benefits for taking 5-10 minutes out of your day to recenter, deep breathe, and relax a bit. It can help to reenergize you. It can release some of the stress that you may be storing up. It can also ultimately make you more productive — and when it’s a lightweight form of sexual meditation, it can get you into a space of feeling closer to your partner and desiring them (more). Although orgasmic meditation (check out “What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?”) encourages climaxing, choose to see sexual meditation as the “foreplay” of it.

You can simply FaceTime or Google Chat your partner, look them in the eyes, and ask them to deep breathe with you after you sexually affirm one another in some way. Or you can shoot them a link to a sexual meditation exercise (like this onehere or this onehere), and you listen to some of it together while you’re both on a break. Just connecting and being in the moment with each other can increase your libido in ways that you wouldn’t imagine.

10. Tell Him Something That You Want to Do to Him Before He Comes Home


There is nothing like the last two hours or so of a work day. Even on the best day, when you look up at the clock and realize that you’ve still got quite a bit of time before you can be up outta your office, it can be tempting to completely get ghost without finishing up the tasks that are on your plate. I’m pretty sure that your partner feels the same way, so…provide him with some motivation by texting or calling him towards the end of the day to express exactly what you want to do to him as soon as he gets home. Don’t forget to ask him what he wants to do to you as well.

Just make sure to also tell him to drive safely as he tries to get to you — because if anything will get a man to speeding…it’s knowing that there issome good-good waiting for him as soon as he hits the door. Have fun — building the anticipation and then reaping the oh, so very sweet rewards!

Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.

Featured image by Giphy



These Newlyweds Found Love Thanks To A Friend Playing Matchmaker

How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.

Jason and Elise Robinson’s union is a reminder that kind people still get their happily ever after. The pair had their first date in October of 2021 and tied the knot on June 15, 2024. Both of them have dedicated their lives to celebrating and supporting Black culture so it was only fitting they get married in what's considered the Black Hollywood of America during the Juneteenth celebration weekend. From the florists to Elise and Jason's gown and suit designers to the table signage and so much more, everything was Black-owned. It's no wonder their love for Black culture was the jumping-off point for their love story.


Remember when dating was fun? Meeting strangers out on the subway, getting set up by your friends, matching with someone on a dating app, and going somewhere further than answering the incessant “WYD” text.

I do.