
We all know how the song goes. As we move, full speed ahead into Thanksgiving and then Christmas, it's considered to be "the most wonderful time of the year" for so many. Still, if we're gonna get really real about it all, preparing for the holiday season can be one of the most stressful times of the year too; especially when it comes to married folks who are trying to proactively care for their relationship, maintain their daily lifestyle and figure out how they are gonna pull each special day off with as little drama as possible.
So, whether this is your first year as husband and wife or your 20th, I thought I would share some tips that I offer up to some of my clients whenever they find themselves looking for ways to navigate through the holiday season, so that there can literally be peace on earth (at least in your house) well through New Year's Day. That said, if there are seven things that you and yours definitely need right about now, these would be it.
1. A Budget
It's not a secret that I don't observe holidays, so that might play a role in what I'm about to say yet lawd, y'all — if there are two instances where I don't get the method in the madness behind going way over budget, it's when it comes to weddings and the holiday season. Spending hundreds or thousands more than you can afford and/or going over your credit card limit for literally just a few minutes of "oohing" and "ahhing" — is it worth it come a month later and you to figure out which bills to dodge?
I recently read that 86 percent of millennials overspent last holiday season and damn, that was during the peak of our pandemic. Meanwhile, a leading cause of divorce continues to be financial stress. Marriage can be challenging enough without choosing to do things that will only cultivate more strain. So, if you and yours don't already have a budget for this holiday season, don't you think now would be as good a time as any to put one together? Amen.
Doing things like coming up with a mutually agreed-upon limit, listing expenses beforehand, deciding to only use cash (meaning no credit cards), taking advantage of online Black Friday and Cyber Monday sales, and not waiting until the last minute (we tend to be more reckless with our spending whenever we are rushing) are just a few ways that you can pull this particular "relational benefit" off.
2. “Honesty Hour”
If one of you doesn't like each other's parents. If one of you doesn't want to do the whole "holiday scene" this year. If one of you is sick of asking for a particular item as a present, only for your spouse to do whatever they want to do anyway, this would be the time to bring it up — lovingly and gingerly, of course, but up nonetheless. While some people seem to think that internalizing real feelings is the way to go in order to "keep the peace," really all it ends up doing is delaying the time for when someone ends up snapping…BIG TIME.
One of the best things about marriage is you signed up to join your life with someone who you can be your complete and total self with — this includes when it comes to sharing your very real feelings, whether it's easy to hear or not. Besides, fake grinning through Thanksgiving or passively aggressively taking out your frustration on your partner during Christmas because you never said what you were thinking or worried about beforehand is unfair to them and your relationship. A part of what comes with love is honesty. As it relates to whatever is potentially or currently stressing you out, state your case. Also, determine to be a safe place to do the same in return. It's only right.
3. United Boundaries
A united front. Have mercy, can we get couples to have this more often? This is actually a part of the reason why I said that you and yours need to be completely honest with each other; it's because, that way, you can both share your feelings and concerns and then come up with what boundaries need to be set so that you both can feel good — or at least better — about what could cause one or both of you to be anxious or upset otherwise. If you can't stand your mother-in-law, you and your husband need to decide how long she can stay. If he doesn't want to go to every holiday work event, you and your husband need to talk about which one(s) is the most important to you. If there are new traditions that the both of you have created, ones that your family members don't care for, you need to stand firm together so that you're not gaslit or manipulated into backing down when it comes to people trying to tell you what to do in your own house.
Sometimes, the cause of aftermath contention between married couples, following the holidays, is one or both individuals feeling like the other didn't totally have their back. Chile listen, if there is one time, especially when firm boundaries need to be set and honored by both spouses, it's during the holidays. And it's so much harder to feel disrespected or overlooked when your partner stands firm with you. Make sure that you both are on the same page, OK? Excellent.
4. Time Off of the (Holiday) Grid
Let me tell it, one of the things that adds so much pressure to people during this time of the year is you've basically got 4-6 weeks to cram in so much of what you typically don't give much credence to until that window of time arrives. Then, all you're thinking about is spending money, cleaning the house, and getting your mind right for having company. And the more incessant focus that you put into something, the more anxious it can cause you to become. That's why it's always a good idea to create a weekly checklist of things that need to be taken care of in preparation for each holiday.
Also, make sure to schedule in some time when you and your spouse are doing anything and everything but talking about or paying for holiday-related stuff. Whenever I'm talking to engaged couples, I tell them the same thing about weddings. Special occasions should always be seen as a part of your world…never all of it.
5. Steal Away Moments
Something that I oftentimes recommend to couples who have kids is, if they are hosting family members in their home, they need to take advantage of that and either go on a date one night or even book a hotel room so that they can get some (I'm pretty sure) much-needed quality time in.
Listen, whether you adore or can't stand some of your (or his) relatives, I'm pretty sure a common ground that everyone has is love for your children. You can get a break from all parties involved by having them watch the kids so that you and yours can hang on, veg out or sex it all the way up.
6. Your Own Traditions
I know some married people who spend Christmas alone at home and then travel to see family the day after. I know some married people who don't observe Thanksgiving at all (because I agree with them that it is pretty Columbus Day 2.0 if you catch my drift) and instead hang out with family members on Black Friday. I know some married people who don't do the gift thing and give to those in need instead.
The bottom line here is, one of the many cool things about being married and having your own home is, you can have the biggest turkey or not one at all. You can have the biggest Christmas tree or not one at all. You can act like you are Christmas-on-crack or not observe at all. You can do gift exchanges on Christmas Day, Christmas Eve, or heck, New Year's Eve or New Year's Day if you want, or nix gift-giving altogether. And you know what? The more you settle into the fact that you have the power to do the holidays however you want and that the only way you can really be "peer pressured" into following other people's traditions is if you allow that to happen, the more you can actually get excited around this time of year because so much of how you approach it is totally within your control.
7. Flexibility
Actor Jane Krakowski once said, "You can have a plan, but you have to be flexible. Every day is unpredictable, and you just have to go with the flow." Every day is unpredictable. Whew, can you just imagine how many marriages could be saved if folks stopped being so stuck on how they wish things would go and instead learned to adapt to how things are going?
If there's a common key to the success and longevity of serious relationships, it's the ability to compromise and you can't do that if you aren't a flexible person. Sure, making plans is fine. All I'm saying is, touch base with your spouse from time to time, just to make sure that both of you have resigned to control what you can control and then to kind of chill out and go with the flow beyond that.
Because no matter what, the holiday season is gonna happen and it's going to come and go, just like every other year. Being willing to adapt to shifts and changes can make the time so much easier — on you personally and on your relationship. Happy Holidays, y'all.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Because We Are Still IT, Girl: It Girl 100 Returns
Last year, when our xoNecole team dropped our inaugural It Girl 100 honoree list, the world felt, ahem, a bit brighter.
It was March 2024, and we still had a Black woman as the Vice President of the United States. DEI rollbacks weren’t being tossed around like confetti. And more than 300,000 Black women were still gainfully employed in the workforce.
Though that was just nineteen months ago, things were different. Perhaps the world then felt more receptive to our light as Black women.
At the time, we launched It Girl 100 to spotlight the huge motion we were making as dope, GenZennial Black women leaving our mark on culture. The girls were on the rise, flourishing, drinking their water, minding their business, leading companies, and learning to do it all softly, in rest. We wanted to celebrate that momentum—because we love that for us.
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.

In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.

In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.

And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.

We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.

So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.

That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.

This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
These Black Women Left Their Jobs To Turn Their Wildest Dreams Into Reality
“I’m too big for a f***ing cubicle!” Those thoughts motivated Randi O to kiss her 9 to 5 goodbye and step into her dreams of becoming a full-time social media entrepreneur. She now owns Randi O P&R. Gabrielle, the founder of Raw Honey, was moving from state to state for her corporate job, and every time she packed her suitcases for a new zip code, she regretted the loss of community and the distance in her friendships. So she created a safe haven and village for queer Black people in New York.
Then there were those who gave up their zip code altogether and found a permanent home in the skies. After years spent recruiting students for a university, Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare became a full-time travel influencer and founded her travel company, Shakespeare Agency. And she's not alone.
These stories mirror the experiences of women across the world. For millions, the pandemic induced a seismic shift in priorities and desires. Corporate careers that were once hailed as the ultimate “I made it” moment in one's career were pushed to the back burner as women quit their jobs in search of a more self-fulfilling purpose.
xoNecole spoke to these three Black women who used the pandemic as a springboard to make their wildest dreams a reality, the lessons they learned, and posed the question of whether they’ll ever return to cubicle life.
Answers have been edited for context and length.
xoNecole: How did the pandemic lead to you leaving the cubicle?
Randi: I was becoming stagnant. I was working in mortgage and banking but I felt like my personality was too big for that job! From there, I transitioned to radio but was laid off during the pandemic. That’s what made me go full throttle with entrepreneurship.
Gabrielle: I moved around a lot for work. Five times over a span of seven years. I knew I needed a break because I had experienced so much. So, I just quit one day. Effective immediately. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I just knew I needed a break and to just regroup.
Lisa-Gaye: I was working in recruiting at a university and my dream job just kind of fell into my lap! But, I never got to fully enjoy it before the world shut down in March [2020] and I was laid off. On top of that, I was stuck in Miami because Jamaica had closed its borders due to the pandemic before I was able to return.

Randi O
xoN: Tell us about your journey after leaving Corporate America.
Randi: I do it all now! I have a podcast, I’m an on-air talent, I act, and I own a public relations company that focuses on social media engagement. It’s all from my network. When you go out and start a business, you can’t just say, “Okay I’m done with Corporate America,” and “Let me do my own thing.” If you don’t build community, if you don’t build a network it's going to be very hard to sustain.
Gabrielle: I realized in New York, there was not a lot to do for Black lesbians and queer folks. We don’t really have dedicated bars and spaces so I started doing events and it took off. I started focusing on my brand, Raw Honey. I opened a co-working space, and I was able to host an NYC Pride event in front of 100,000 people. I hit the ground running with Raw Honey. My events were all women coming to find community and come together with other lesbians and queer folks. I found my purpose in that.
Lisa-Gaye: After being laid off, I wrote out all of my passions and that’s how I came up with [my company] Shakespeare Agency. It was all of the things that I loved to do under one umbrella. The pandemic pulled that out of me. I had a very large social media following, so I pitched to hotels that I would feature them on my blog and social media. This reignited my passion for travel. I took the rest of the year to refocus my brand to focus solely on being a content creator within the travel space.

Gabrielle
xoN: What have you learned about yourself during your time as an entrepreneur?
Randi: [I learned] the importance of my network and community that I created. When I was laid off I was still keeping those relationships with people that I used to work with. So it was easy for me to transition into social media management and I didn’t have to start from scratch.
Gabrielle: The biggest thing I learned about myself was my own personal identity as a Black lesbian and how much I had assimilated into straight and corporate culture and not being myself. Now, I feel comfortable and confident being my authentic self. Now, I'm not sacrificing anything else for my career. I have a full life. I have friends. I have a social life. And when you are happy and have a full quality of life, I feel like [I] can have more longevity in my career.
Lisa-Gaye: [I'm doing] the best that I've ever done. The discipline that I’m building within myself. Nobody is saying, ‘Oh you have to be at work at this time.’ There’s no boss saying, ‘Why are you late?’ But, if I’m laying in bed at 10 a.m. then it's me saying [to myself], 'Okay, Lisa, get up, it's time for you to start working!’ That’s all on me.
xoNecole: What mistakes do you want to help people avoid when leaving Corporate America?
Randi: You have to learn about the highs and lows of entrepreneurship. You have a fast season and a slow season and I started to learn that when you're self-employed the latter season hits hard. Don't get caught up on the lows, just keep going and don't stop. I’m glad I did.
Gabrielle: I think everyone should quit their job and just figure it out for a second. You will discover so much about yourself when you take a second to just focus on you. Your skill set will always be there. You can’t be afraid of what will happen when you bet on yourself.
Lisa-Gaye: When it comes to being an influencer the field is saturated and a lot of people suffer from imposter syndrome. There is nothing wrong with being an imposter but find out how to make it yours, how to make it better. If you go to the store, you see 10 million different brands of bread! But you are choosing the brand that you like because you like that particular flavor.
So be an imposter, but be the best imposter of yourself and add your own flair, your own flavor. Make the better bread. The bread that you want.

Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
xoNecole: Will you ever return to your 9 to 5?
Randi: I wouldn’t go back to Corporate America. But I don’t mind working under someone. A lot of people try to get into this business saying, “I can't work under anyone.” That’s not necessarily the reason to start a business because you're always going to answer to somebody. Clients, brands, there’s always someone else involved.
Gabrielle: I went back! I really needed a break and I gave myself that. But, I realized I’m a corporate girl, [and] I enjoy the work that I do. I’m good at it and I really missed that side of myself. I have different sides of me and my whole identity is not Raw Honey or my queerness. A big side of me is business and that’s why I love having my career. Now I feel like my best self.
Lisa-Gaye: I really don’t. For right now, I love working for myself. It's gratifying, it's challenging, it's exciting. It’s a big deal for me to say I own my own business. That I am my own boss, and I'm a Black woman doing it.
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Featured image courtesy of Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
Originally published on February 6, 2023









