The Day I Found Out The Guy I Was Dating Played For Both Teams

I was on my third glass of wine when I sent the text message disclosing everything that I'd just found out.

My heart was beating through my chest, while the source of my anguish sat in front of me in a solemn state. His confession just turned my world upside down.

I paced the floor with my mind in a million different places. Contemplating on what I'd say and how I'd say it, I threw back the last of my wine and sat down and across from the bearer of some quite shocking news.

We sat in silence. I was staring at the floor when my phone rang. I watched as it went to voicemail and then started over again. After about three times of this cycle, I received a very long text message. It said something along the lines of, "I don't know what you're talking about. Who told you that?...."

I chuckled to myself to keep from becoming unnecessarily violent with the things that I owned.

"I'm sorry, but I thought you should know," was all the other man that sat in front of me could say as we hugged goodbye.

I didn't blame him. I was grateful that he told me.

Having my fill of excitement for the day, I switched my phone to "silent" and called it a night. I tossed and turned in bed feeling uneasy.

As an avid reader of magazine articles and blog sites, nothing is was available for my aid. Elle didn't have the answers and Cosmopolitan only provided ways to keep a man satisfied. Not one shred of information turned up for me to reference and even after reading this article, there still won't be. I couldn't be the first woman to find out that her sexual partner was also interested in men.

Without realizing it, I had become Molly from Insecure. But worse. At least she got disclosure about her man's past with other men beforehand. I was robbed of that.

It wasn't like we didn't have intimate conversations.

We'd been dating for six months without a title of anything serious, but it was clear we weren't seeing other people. Or so I thought.

We confided in each other. We'd had plenty of talks about our sexual past. We had the cliché body count q&a and even went as far as discussing fantasies. My snow white Vera Wang sheets were home to moments where we both tucked our vulnerabilities into bed and dismissed thoughts of the outside world. We lived in a place where judgment didn't exist. He had multiple opportunities to be honest. I mean for heaven sakes, it was my right to know. I couldn't wrap my head around how a person could be so selfish.

The feeling of thinking you know someone only to find out that you don't know them at all is something that I don't wish on anyone.

I woke up the next morning and answered his incoming call. As expected, we did a song and dance of lies and denial. He came clean when I provided him the same details that were given to me. I asked him why he chose not to tell me.

He responded with, "I didn't want you to look at me differently and I wasn't ready to let you go."

We both sat in silence for a while. The dead air must have become too heavy for him because before long, he stated:

"I don't think another man giving me head makes me gay."

I said nothing, paralyzed with shock that it all was happening.

He said it over and over again, almost as if he thought him saying it enough would align me with his train of thought. It didn't, it only caused me to become confused.

I became irritated by him repeating this statement because, to me, it wasn't true.

"You were in a relationship with him. You kissed him, and shared those same intimate moments that you shared with me with him. It doesn't make you gay, it makes you bisexual."

He agreed that they had a relationship, which was right before he and I started ours, but begged to differ that it made him attracted tomen. I didn't want to argue with him any longer. I couldn't decide if I was more angry at the fact that he lied or that he was in complete denial about his sexuality. Either way, I ended it. I don't tolerate liars and he needed to figure out or embrace his sexuality, which was something I couldn't do for him. To this day, he's still living in denial and I wonder how heavy that must be for him.

I'm not sure if he is involved with men currently, nor is it my business, but if he is, I sincerely hope that he has learned to embrace it.

Oddly enough, I understood him not wanting that to be his truth out of fear that he'd never be able to find a woman who is fine with his additional preference. There is an ever-present stigma tied to women not wanting to date a bissexual man. However, men will date a woman who likes women and is often applauded amongst his friends for it. I personally believe that the stigma birthed guys who have to sneak to indulge in a pleasure that is desirable to them all while still wanting the love of a woman.

We all know these men as "brothers on the DL".

So, there I was feeling bamboozled by a man so lost, he decided to play for both teams and only claim one. If we live in a society where everyone claims to be open and receiving to all, then why do we have so many ashamed to be who they are?

When entering into a relationship or sexual arrangement with someone, should the question of if you've dabbled on both sides be asked? Excuse my naive nature, but I thought it was standard procedure to disclose your current preferences. I understand that past experiences should be private, but if that past spills over into the future, it should no longer be private. The conversation needs to be had and if one can't have the conversation, then, by all means, don't involve yourself with other people.

By no means should the conversation emerge from a place of being invasive, but as a woman who knows what she wants, I have a right to desire a partner who is exclusive to women.

I don't judge anyone who is bisexual. But, at this point in time in my life, it's not my cup of tea to date a bisexual man. However, to be honest, I can't say that I never would date a man who informs me ahead of our sexual encounter that he has had an experience with another man. Of course, there would be more questions involved from there, but I'll cross that bridge if it ever emerges.

If a person is ashamed of who they are, which assists in being honest in all areas of their lives, then they are a liability in the dating world.

Being comfortable with who you are is vital when dating.

Happier relationships are birthed and able to be nurtured to its full potential when people are comfortable with who they are and what they like. Sexuality has been explored since the beginning of time, as it should be. You don't know what you like until you experience it, but don't live in denial about your experience. It only makes it that much harder to decide what you want. This often leads to dragging people along for the ride of your confusion or denial.

It's not fair.

In my case, I was along for the ride with a man who was so ashamed of his sexuality that he told himself lies to dodge his reality. Being bisexual isn't something that anyone should be ashamed of. I take no issue with bisexual men who are open and upfront about it. My issue is with the men who pretend their tendencies for the same sex doesn't exist.

You, sir, are what makes women catch cases and appear on episodes of Snapped.

Those out there who find themselves in a similar situation, I can't guide you. I can't give you a step-by-step as to what you should do. It's completely up to you.

I did what I thought was best because I can't tolerate a liar. If he would lie about this, then he'd lie about anything. Honesty is something I hold in high regard in all areas of my life, especially in my intimate life. Maybe one day in life, I'll have a different experience and I'll be writing a completely different article. Who knows? All I know is that moving forward, I'll take the first step and lead by example to share my experiences in hopes that my future potential partner will follow.

All I can do is continue to be honest and hope for the same in return.

xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com

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Stacey and Dalen Spratt

How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.

I’m willing to bet that this is not the first time you’ve seen this couple. Dalen Spratt is a television producer, owner of a tailored men's suit line, and creator of Ghost Brothers: Haunted Houseguests, which is currently streaming on Destination America. Stacey Spratt is also a serial entrepreneur, focusing mostly on events and the nonprofit world, and she is the owner of two award-winning craft beer bars called Harlem Hops. But their accolades are not what united them.


Y’all, I ain’t got no lies to tell you. Personally, I am counting down the days until the obsession with resembling Mr. Snuffleupagus (the real ones know) goes away. Not that I don’t think there is something uber-feminine and sometimes even super glamorous about a long, lusty pair of eyelashes — but as one of my favorite quotes goes, “The excess of a virtue can be a vice,” and lashes are no exception. Lawd.