

The Day I Found Out The Guy I Was Dating Played For Both Teams
I was on my third glass of wine when I sent the text message disclosing everything that I'd just found out.
My heart was beating through my chest, while the source of my anguish sat in front of me in a solemn state. His confession just turned my world upside down.
I paced the floor with my mind in a million different places. Contemplating on what I'd say and how I'd say it, I threw back the last of my wine and sat down and across from the bearer of some quite shocking news.
We sat in silence. I was staring at the floor when my phone rang. I watched as it went to voicemail and then started over again. After about three times of this cycle, I received a very long text message. It said something along the lines of, "I don't know what you're talking about. Who told you that?...."
I chuckled to myself to keep from becoming unnecessarily violent with the things that I owned.
"I'm sorry, but I thought you should know," was all the other man that sat in front of me could say as we hugged goodbye.
I didn't blame him. I was grateful that he told me.
Having my fill of excitement for the day, I switched my phone to "silent" and called it a night. I tossed and turned in bed feeling uneasy.
As an avid reader of magazine articles and blog sites, nothing is was available for my aid. Elle didn't have the answers and Cosmopolitan only provided ways to keep a man satisfied. Not one shred of information turned up for me to reference and even after reading this article, there still won't be. I couldn't be the first woman to find out that her sexual partner was also interested in men.
Without realizing it, I had become Molly from Insecure. But worse. At least she got disclosure about her man's past with other men beforehand. I was robbed of that.
It wasn't like we didn't have intimate conversations.
We'd been dating for six months without a title of anything serious, but it was clear we weren't seeing other people. Or so I thought.
We confided in each other. We'd had plenty of talks about our sexual past. We had the cliché body count q&a and even went as far as discussing fantasies. My snow white Vera Wang sheets were home to moments where we both tucked our vulnerabilities into bed and dismissed thoughts of the outside world. We lived in a place where judgment didn't exist. He had multiple opportunities to be honest. I mean for heaven sakes, it was my right to know. I couldn't wrap my head around how a person could be so selfish.
The feeling of thinking you know someone only to find out that you don't know them at all is something that I don't wish on anyone.
I woke up the next morning and answered his incoming call. As expected, we did a song and dance of lies and denial. He came clean when I provided him the same details that were given to me. I asked him why he chose not to tell me.
He responded with, "I didn't want you to look at me differently and I wasn't ready to let you go."
We both sat in silence for a while. The dead air must have become too heavy for him because before long, he stated:
"I don't think another man giving me head makes me gay."
I said nothing, paralyzed with shock that it all was happening.
He said it over and over again, almost as if he thought him saying it enough would align me with his train of thought. It didn't, it only caused me to become confused.
I became irritated by him repeating this statement because, to me, it wasn't true.
"You were in a relationship with him. You kissed him, and shared those same intimate moments that you shared with me with him. It doesn't make you gay, it makes you bisexual."
He agreed that they had a relationship, which was right before he and I started ours, but begged to differ that it made him attracted tomen. I didn't want to argue with him any longer. I couldn't decide if I was more angry at the fact that he lied or that he was in complete denial about his sexuality. Either way, I ended it. I don't tolerate liars and he needed to figure out or embrace his sexuality, which was something I couldn't do for him. To this day, he's still living in denial and I wonder how heavy that must be for him.
I'm not sure if he is involved with men currently, nor is it my business, but if he is, I sincerely hope that he has learned to embrace it.
Oddly enough, I understood him not wanting that to be his truth out of fear that he'd never be able to find a woman who is fine with his additional preference. There is an ever-present stigma tied to women not wanting to date a bissexual man. However, men will date a woman who likes women and is often applauded amongst his friends for it. I personally believe that the stigma birthed guys who have to sneak to indulge in a pleasure that is desirable to them all while still wanting the love of a woman.
We all know these men as "brothers on the DL".
So, there I was feeling bamboozled by a man so lost, he decided to play for both teams and only claim one. If we live in a society where everyone claims to be open and receiving to all, then why do we have so many ashamed to be who they are?
When entering into a relationship or sexual arrangement with someone, should the question of if you've dabbled on both sides be asked? Excuse my naive nature, but I thought it was standard procedure to disclose your current preferences. I understand that past experiences should be private, but if that past spills over into the future, it should no longer be private. The conversation needs to be had and if one can't have the conversation, then, by all means, don't involve yourself with other people.
By no means should the conversation emerge from a place of being invasive, but as a woman who knows what she wants, I have a right to desire a partner who is exclusive to women.
I don't judge anyone who is bisexual. But, at this point in time in my life, it's not my cup of tea to date a bisexual man. However, to be honest, I can't say that I never would date a man who informs me ahead of our sexual encounter that he has had an experience with another man. Of course, there would be more questions involved from there, but I'll cross that bridge if it ever emerges.
If a person is ashamed of who they are, which assists in being honest in all areas of their lives, then they are a liability in the dating world.
Being comfortable with who you are is vital when dating.
Happier relationships are birthed and able to be nurtured to its full potential when people are comfortable with who they are and what they like. Sexuality has been explored since the beginning of time, as it should be. You don't know what you like until you experience it, but don't live in denial about your experience. It only makes it that much harder to decide what you want. This often leads to dragging people along for the ride of your confusion or denial.
It's not fair.
In my case, I was along for the ride with a man who was so ashamed of his sexuality that he told himself lies to dodge his reality. Being bisexual isn't something that anyone should be ashamed of. I take no issue with bisexual men who are open and upfront about it. My issue is with the men who pretend their tendencies for the same sex doesn't exist.
You, sir, are what makes women catch cases and appear on episodes of Snapped.
Those out there who find themselves in a similar situation, I can't guide you. I can't give you a step-by-step as to what you should do. It's completely up to you.
I did what I thought was best because I can't tolerate a liar. If he would lie about this, then he'd lie about anything. Honesty is something I hold in high regard in all areas of my life, especially in my intimate life. Maybe one day in life, I'll have a different experience and I'll be writing a completely different article. Who knows? All I know is that moving forward, I'll take the first step and lead by example to share my experiences in hopes that my future potential partner will follow.
All I can do is continue to be honest and hope for the same in return.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com
Featured image by Giphy
- Over 80 percent of bisexuals end up in “straight” relationships—why? ›
- Why I'm Open to Dating Bisexual Men ›
- Why Bisexual Men Are Still Fighting to Convince Us They Exist ›
- Why coming out as a bisexual man is still really hard to do ›
- Straight people don't exist – so why do half of bisexual men fear ... ›
- What it's like for women to date bisexual men | The Independent ›
- Do Bisexual Men Really Exist? - CBS News ›
Whitney "As Told By Whit" Morrow is a South Carolina based blogger/writer and mother to an amazing seven-year-old. She has her first novel due out later on this year and you can bet her future is just as bright as her smile. Keep with her on Instagram, you won't regret it.
Amber Riley has the type of laugh that sticks with you long after the raspy, rhythmic sounds have ceased. It punctuates her sentences sometimes, whether she’s giving a chuckle to denote the serious nature of something she just said or throwing her head back in rip-roarious laughter after a joke. She laughs as if she understands the fragility of each minute. She chooses laughter often with the understanding that future joy is not guaranteed.
Credit: Ally Green
The sound of her laughter is rivaled only by her singing voice, an emblem of the past and the future resilience of Black women stretched over a few octaves. On Fox’s Glee, her character Mercedes Jones was portrayed, perhaps unfairly, as the vocal duel to Rachel Berry (Lea Michele), offering rough, full-throated belts behind her co-star’s smooth, pristine vocals. Riley’s always been more than the singer who could deliver a finishing note, though.
Portraying Effie White, she displayed the dynamic emotions of a song such as “And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going” in Dreamgirls on London’s West End without buckling under the historic weight of her predecessors. With her instrument, John Mayer’s “Gravity” became a religious experience, a belted hymnal full of growls and churchy riffs. In her voice, Nicole Scherzinger once said she heard “the power of God.”
Credit: Ally Green
Riley’s voice has been a staple throughout pop culture for nearly 15 years now. Her tone has become so distinguishable that most viewers of Fox’s The Masked Singer recognized the multihyphenate even before it was revealed that she was Harp, the competition-winning, gold-masked figure with an actual harp strapped to her back.
Still, it wasn’t until recently that Riley began to feel like she’d found her voice. This sounds unbelievable. But she’s not referring to the one she uses on stage. She’s referencing the voice that speaks to who she is at her core. “Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind,” the 37-year-old says. “It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women. I got so comfortable in [doing so], and I really want other people, especially Black women, to get more comfortable in that space.”
“Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind. It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women."
If you ask Riley’s manager, Myisha Brooks, she’ll tell you the foundation of who the multihyphenate is hasn’t changed much since she was a kid growing up in Compton. “She is who she is from when I met her back when she was singing in the front of the church to back when she landed major roles in film and TV,” Brooks says. Time has allowed Riley to grow more comfortable, giving fans a more intimate glimpse into her life, including her mental health journey and the ins and outs of show business.
The actress/singer has been in therapy since 2019, although she suffered from depression and anxiety way before that. In a recent interview with Jason Lee, she recalls having suicidal ideation as a kid. By the time she started seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants in her thirties, her body had become jittery, a physical reminder of the trauma stacked high inside her. “I was shaking in [my therapist’s] office,” she tells xoNecole. “My fight or flight was on such a high level. I was constantly in survival mode. My heart was beating fast all the time. All I did was sweat.”
There wasn’t just childhood trauma to account for. After auditioning for American Idol and being turned away by producers, Riley began working for Ikea and nearly missed her Glee audition because her car broke down on the highway while en route. Thankfully, Riley had been cast to play Mercedes Jones. American Idol had temporarily convinced her she wasn’t cut out for the entertainment industry, but this was validation that she was right where she belonged. Glee launched in 2009 with the promise of becoming Riley’s big break.
In some ways, it was. The show introduced Riley to millions of fans and catapulted her into major Hollywood circles. But in other ways, it became a reminder of the types of roles Black women, especially those who are plus-sized, are relegated to. Behind the scenes, Riley says she fought for her character "to have a voice" but eventually realized her efforts were useless. "It finally got to a point where I was like, this is not my moment. I'm not who they're choosing, and this is just going to have to be a job for me for now," she says. "And, that's okay because it pays my bills, I still get to be on television, I'm doing more than any other Black plus-sized women that I'm seeing right now on screen."
The actress can recognize now that she was navigating issues associated with trauma and low self-esteem at the time. She now knows that she's long had anxiety and depression and can recognize the ways in which she was triggered by how the cult-like following of the show conflicted with her individual, isolated experiences behind the scenes. But she was in her early '20s back then. She didn't yet have the language or the tools to process how she was feeling.
Riley says she eventually sought out medical intervention. "When you're in Hollywood, and you go to a doctor, they give you pills," she says, sharing a part of her story that she'd never revealed publicly before now. "[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that's not fixing my problem. If anything, it's making it worse."
“[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that’s not fixing my problem. If anything it’s making it worse.”
Credit: Ally Green
At one point, while in her dressing room on set, she rested her arm on a curling iron without realizing it. It wasn't until her makeup artist alerted her that she even realized her skin was burning. Once she noticed, she says she was "so zonked out on pills" that she barely reacted. Speaking today, she holds up her arm and motions towards a scar that remains from the incident. She sought help for her reliance on the pills, but it would still be years before she finally attended therapy.
This stress was only compounded by the trauma of growing up in poverty and the realities of being a "contract worker." "Imagine going from literally one week having to borrow a car to get to set to the next week being on a private jet to New York City," she says. After Glee ended, so did the rides on private planes. The fury of opportunities she expected to follow her appearance on the show failed to materialize. She wasn't even 30 yet, and she was already forced to consider if she'd hit her career peak.
. . .
We’re only four minutes into our Zoom call before Riley delivers her new adage to me. “My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway,” she says.
On this Thursday afternoon in April, the LA-based entertainer is seated inside her closet/dressing room wearing a cerulean blue tank top with matching shorts and eating hot wings. This current phase of healing hinges on balance. It’s about having discipline and consistency, but not at the risk of inflexibility. She was planning to head to the gym, for instance, but she’s still tired from the “exhausting” day before. Instead, she’s spent her day receiving a massage, eating some chicken wings, and planning to spend quality time with friends. “I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’m not going to talk down to myself. I’m going to eat my chicken wings, and then tomorrow I’m [back] in the gym,” she says.
“My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway."
This is the balance with which she's been approaching much of her life these days. It's why she's worried less about whether or not people see her as someone who is humble. She'd rather be respected. "I think you should be a person that's easy to work with, but in the moments where I have to ruffle feathers and make waves, I'm not shying away from that anymore. You can do it in love, you don't have to be nasty about it, but I had to finally be comfortable with the fact that setting boundaries around my life – in whatever aspect, whether that's personal or business – people are not going to like it. Some people are not going to have nice things to say about you, and you gotta be okay with it," she says.
When Amber talks about the constant humbling of Black women in Hollywood, I think of the entertainers before her who have suffered from this. The brilliant, consistent, overqualified Black women who have spoken of having to fight for opportunities and fair pay. Aretha Franklin. Viola Davis. Tracee Ellis Ross. There's a long list of stars whose success hasn't mirrored their experiences behind the scenes.
Credit: Ally Green
If Black women outside of Hollywood are struggling to decrease the pay gap, so, too, are their wealthier, more famous peers.
Riley says there’s been progress in recent years, but only in small ways and for a limited group of people. “This business is exhausting. The goalpost is constantly moving, and sometimes it’s unfair,” she says. But, I have to say it’s the love that keeps you going.”
“There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman,” she continues. “We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
"There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman. We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
Last year, Riley starred alongside Raven Goodwin in the Lifetime thriller Single Black Female (a modern, diversified take on 1992’s Single White Female). It was more than a leading role for the actress, it also served as proof that someone who looks like her can front a successful project without it hinging on her identity. It showcased that the characters she portrays don’t “have to be about being a big girl. It can just be a regular story.”
Riley sees her work in music as an extension of her efforts to push past the rigid stereotypes in entertainment. Take her appearance on The Masked Singer, for instance. Riley said she decided to perform Mayer’s “Gravity” after being told she couldn’t sing it years earlier. “I wanted to do ‘Gravity’ on Glee. [I] was told no, because that’s not a song that Mercedes would do,” she says. “That was a full circle moment for me, doing that on that show and to hear what it is they had to say.”
As Scherzinger praised the “anointed” performance, a masked Riley began to cry, her chest heaving as she stood on stage, her eyes shielded from view. “You have to understand, I have really big names – casting directors, producers, show creators – that constantly tell me ‘I’m such a big fan. Your talent is unmatched.’ Hire me, then,” she says, reflecting on the moment.
Recently, she’s been in the studio working on original music, the follow-up to her independently-released debut EP, 2020’s Riley. The sequel to songs such as the anthemic “Big Girl Energy” and the reflective ballad “A Moment” on Riley, this new project hones in on the singer’s R&B roots with sensual grooves such as the tentatively titled “All Night.” “You said I wasn’t shit, turns out that I’m the shit. Then you called me a bitch, turns out that I’m that bitch. You said no one would want me, well you should call your homies,” she sings on the tentatively titled “Lately,” a cut about reflecting on a past relationship. From the forthcoming project, xoNecole received five potential tracks. Fans likely already know the strengths and contours of Riley’s vocals, but these new songs are her strongest, most confident offerings as an artist.
“I am so much more comfortable as a writer, and I know who I am as an artist now. I’m evolving as a human being, in general, so I’m way more vulnerable in my music. I’m way more willing to talk about whatever is on my mind. I don’t stop myself from saying what it is I want to say,” she says.
Credit: Ally Green
“Every era and alliteration of Amber, the baseline is ‘Big Girl Energy.’ That’s the name of her company,” her manager Brooks says, referencing the imprint through which Riley releases her music after getting out of a label deal several years ago. “It’s just what she stands for. She’s not just talking about size, it’s in all things. Whether it’s putting your big girl pants on and having to face a boardroom full of executives or sell yourself in front of a casting agent. It’s her trying to achieve the things she wants to do in life.”
Riley says she has big dreams beyond releasing this new music, too. She’d love to star in a rom-com with Winston Duke. She hasn't starred in a biopic yet, but she’d revel in the opportunity to portray Rosetta Tharpe on screen. She’s determined that her previous setbacks won’t stop her from dreaming big.
“I think one of my superpowers is resilience because, at the end of the day, I’m going to kick, scream, cry, cuss, be mad and disappointed, but I’m going to get up and risk having to deal with it all again. It’s worth it for the happy moments,” she says.
If Riley seems more comfortable and confident professionally, it’s because of the work she’s been doing in her personal life.
She’d previously spoken to xoNecole about becoming engaged to a man she discovered in a post on the site, but she called things off last year. For Valentine’s Day, she revealed her new boyfriend publicly. “I decided to post him on Valentine’s Day, partially because I was in the dog house. I got in trouble with him,” she says, half-joking before turning serious. “The breakup was never going to stop me from finding love. Or at least trying. I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness, and you enjoy it and work through it.”
Credit: Ally Green
"I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness and you enjoy it and work through it.”
With her ex, Riley was pretty outspoken about her relationship, even appearing in content for Netflix with him. This time around is different. She’s not hiding her boyfriend of eight months, but she’s more protective of him, especially because he’s a father and isn’t interested in becoming a public figure.
She’s traveling more, too. It’s a deliberate effort on her part to enjoy her money and reject the trauma she’s developed after experiencing poverty in her childhood. “I live in constant fear of being broke. I don’t think you ever don’t remember that trauma or move past that. Now I travel and I’m like, listen, if it goes, it goes. I’m not saying [to] be reckless, but I deserve to enjoy my hard work.”
After everything she’s been through, she certainly deserves to finally let loose a bit. “I have to have a life to live,” she says. “I’ve got to have a life worth fighting for.”
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Summer Walker's 'Caresha Please' Interview Shows Why Yung Miami Is The Ultimate Girl's Girl
As one-half of the City Girls, Yung Miami (born Caresha Brownlee) has always used her voice to empower women, whether it’s telling them to boss up or leave a relationship that’s no longer serving them. And with her Revolt podcast, “Caresha Please,” Miami continues to uplift other women but in a more intimate setting.
The “Act Up” rapper’s latest interview with Summer Walker proves that she not only raps about it but she practices what she preaches. The interview covered everything from the “Unloyal” singer’s dating life to being a mother to her music career. When the conversation shifted to Summer’s anxiety, Miami used the moment to praise the Billboard music award winner’s qualities and talent.
Summer has been vocal about her anxiety in the past and explained that it sometimes affects her when she’s performing. While talking to Miami, she also shared that she struggles with being herself in public because she fears being judged.
“They be judging ratchet b--hes, like they really be judging ratchet b--hes,” the “Pull Up” singer said. “People be like, ‘oh, she look dirty, she look dusty, she’s ghetto, like dadada…so I be tryna just keep it together, and then I know it’s also hard for people to like understand the concept of multifaceted people like people that have different sides of them, like it’s not just one way, and it be confusing people, and they be like, ‘well, how she sing about this but she act like this.”
Summer continued by saying that that’s why she is generally quiet on stage because she doesn’t want to say anything “stupid.”
Miami quickly chimed in to let Summer know that it’s okay to be herself, and that’s why people love her. “Anybody that knows me know like I’m a big Summer Walker fan, and I feel like when it comes to R&B artists, we don’t have a R&B artist that’s showing their personality or showing a different side,” she said.
“When we see R&B artists, we just see like their music and just the reserved them, so I kinda feel like to have a new R&B artist that’s ratchet, that’s themselves, that’s what we need. That’s what’s missing, and that’s what make you, you, and that’s one of the reasons why I fell in love with you because when I found out who Summer Walker was, it was “Girls Need Love,” and then I remember, I saw like a twerking video of you on the pole, and I’m like, ‘I love this b--h.’”
She continued, “Like I never saw that from a R&B singer, and I feel like from one artist to another, I don’t feel like you should bury your personality or not be true to yourself because of perspective.” The “Jobs” artist ended her response by saying that people love others who are authentic.
Summer admitted that everything Miami said was true and that she never thought of it like that. “People just be in their head for no reason,” she said.
We love seeing women give other women their flowers and provide safe spaces. At the end of the interview, both Summer and Miami expressed how much they like each other and how they should hang out more.
Miami’s interview with Summer is the true definition of sisterhood.
Summer Walker Talks Realizing Her Self-Worth, London On Da Track, Lil Meech & More | Caresha Pleasewww.youtube.com
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