The Day I Found Out The Guy I Was Dating Played For Both Teams
I was on my third glass of wine when I sent the text message disclosing everything that I'd just found out.
My heart was beating through my chest, while the source of my anguish sat in front of me in a solemn state. His confession just turned my world upside down.
I paced the floor with my mind in a million different places. Contemplating on what I'd say and how I'd say it, I threw back the last of my wine and sat down and across from the bearer of some quite shocking news.
We sat in silence. I was staring at the floor when my phone rang. I watched as it went to voicemail and then started over again. After about three times of this cycle, I received a very long text message. It said something along the lines of, "I don't know what you're talking about. Who told you that?...."
I chuckled to myself to keep from becoming unnecessarily violent with the things that I owned.
"I'm sorry, but I thought you should know," was all the other man that sat in front of me could say as we hugged goodbye.
I didn't blame him. I was grateful that he told me.
Having my fill of excitement for the day, I switched my phone to "silent" and called it a night. I tossed and turned in bed feeling uneasy.
As an avid reader of magazine articles and blog sites, nothing is was available for my aid. Elle didn't have the answers and Cosmopolitan only provided ways to keep a man satisfied. Not one shred of information turned up for me to reference and even after reading this article, there still won't be. I couldn't be the first woman to find out that her sexual partner was also interested in men.
Without realizing it, I had become Molly from Insecure. But worse. At least she got disclosure about her man's past with other men beforehand. I was robbed of that.
It wasn't like we didn't have intimate conversations.
We'd been dating for six months without a title of anything serious, but it was clear we weren't seeing other people. Or so I thought.
We confided in each other. We'd had plenty of talks about our sexual past. We had the cliché body count q&a and even went as far as discussing fantasies. My snow white Vera Wang sheets were home to moments where we both tucked our vulnerabilities into bed and dismissed thoughts of the outside world. We lived in a place where judgment didn't exist. He had multiple opportunities to be honest. I mean for heaven sakes, it was my right to know. I couldn't wrap my head around how a person could be so selfish.
The feeling of thinking you know someone only to find out that you don't know them at all is something that I don't wish on anyone.
I woke up the next morning and answered his incoming call. As expected, we did a song and dance of lies and denial. He came clean when I provided him the same details that were given to me. I asked him why he chose not to tell me.
He responded with, "I didn't want you to look at me differently and I wasn't ready to let you go."
We both sat in silence for a while. The dead air must have become too heavy for him because before long, he stated:
"I don't think another man giving me head makes me gay."
I said nothing, paralyzed with shock that it all was happening.
He said it over and over again, almost as if he thought him saying it enough would align me with his train of thought. It didn't, it only caused me to become confused.
I became irritated by him repeating this statement because, to me, it wasn't true.
"You were in a relationship with him. You kissed him, and shared those same intimate moments that you shared with me with him. It doesn't make you gay, it makes you bisexual."
He agreed that they had a relationship, which was right before he and I started ours, but begged to differ that it made him attracted tomen. I didn't want to argue with him any longer. I couldn't decide if I was more angry at the fact that he lied or that he was in complete denial about his sexuality. Either way, I ended it. I don't tolerate liars and he needed to figure out or embrace his sexuality, which was something I couldn't do for him. To this day, he's still living in denial and I wonder how heavy that must be for him.
I'm not sure if he is involved with men currently, nor is it my business, but if he is, I sincerely hope that he has learned to embrace it.
Oddly enough, I understood him not wanting that to be his truth out of fear that he'd never be able to find a woman who is fine with his additional preference. There is an ever-present stigma tied to women not wanting to date a bissexual man. However, men will date a woman who likes women and is often applauded amongst his friends for it. I personally believe that the stigma birthed guys who have to sneak to indulge in a pleasure that is desirable to them all while still wanting the love of a woman.
We all know these men as "brothers on the DL".
So, there I was feeling bamboozled by a man so lost, he decided to play for both teams and only claim one. If we live in a society where everyone claims to be open and receiving to all, then why do we have so many ashamed to be who they are?
When entering into a relationship or sexual arrangement with someone, should the question of if you've dabbled on both sides be asked? Excuse my naive nature, but I thought it was standard procedure to disclose your current preferences. I understand that past experiences should be private, but if that past spills over into the future, it should no longer be private. The conversation needs to be had and if one can't have the conversation, then, by all means, don't involve yourself with other people.
By no means should the conversation emerge from a place of being invasive, but as a woman who knows what she wants, I have a right to desire a partner who is exclusive to women.
I don't judge anyone who is bisexual. But, at this point in time in my life, it's not my cup of tea to date a bisexual man. However, to be honest, I can't say that I never would date a man who informs me ahead of our sexual encounter that he has had an experience with another man. Of course, there would be more questions involved from there, but I'll cross that bridge if it ever emerges.
If a person is ashamed of who they are, which assists in being honest in all areas of their lives, then they are a liability in the dating world.
Being comfortable with who you are is vital when dating.
Happier relationships are birthed and able to be nurtured to its full potential when people are comfortable with who they are and what they like. Sexuality has been explored since the beginning of time, as it should be. You don't know what you like until you experience it, but don't live in denial about your experience. It only makes it that much harder to decide what you want. This often leads to dragging people along for the ride of your confusion or denial.
It's not fair.
In my case, I was along for the ride with a man who was so ashamed of his sexuality that he told himself lies to dodge his reality. Being bisexual isn't something that anyone should be ashamed of. I take no issue with bisexual men who are open and upfront about it. My issue is with the men who pretend their tendencies for the same sex doesn't exist.
You, sir, are what makes women catch cases and appear on episodes of Snapped.
Those out there who find themselves in a similar situation, I can't guide you. I can't give you a step-by-step as to what you should do. It's completely up to you.
I did what I thought was best because I can't tolerate a liar. If he would lie about this, then he'd lie about anything. Honesty is something I hold in high regard in all areas of my life, especially in my intimate life. Maybe one day in life, I'll have a different experience and I'll be writing a completely different article. Who knows? All I know is that moving forward, I'll take the first step and lead by example to share my experiences in hopes that my future potential partner will follow.
All I can do is continue to be honest and hope for the same in return.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com
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- Over 80 percent of bisexuals end up in “straight” relationships—why? ›
- Why I'm Open to Dating Bisexual Men ›
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- Why coming out as a bisexual man is still really hard to do ›
- Straight people don't exist – so why do half of bisexual men fear ... ›
- What it's like for women to date bisexual men | The Independent ›
- Do Bisexual Men Really Exist? - CBS News ›
Whitney "As Told By Whit" Morrow is a South Carolina based blogger/writer and mother to an amazing seven-year-old. She has her first novel due out later on this year and you can bet her future is just as bright as her smile. Keep with her on Instagram, you won't regret it.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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