Be Honest: Are You The One Holding Yourself Back In Life?

How Honest Are You with Yourself?

There’s a woman I know who lies to herself a lot. And when I say “a lot”…I mean, A LOT. She does this by not taking accountability for her actions. She does this by always playing the victim (even when she’s the one who is in the wrong). She does this by refusing to live in reality. She does this by having unrealistic expectations. She does this by thinking that, whenever something goes wrong, it’s always someone else’s fault; it’s like the saying, “Everywhere you go, there you are,” is a foreign concept to her.

The really tragic thing about all of this is it keeps her in a hamster wheel of dysfunction — and it doesn’t seem like anything is going to change when it comes to this any time soon. See, that’s the thing about lying to yourself: if you do it long enough, you don’t even recognize that’s what’s happening anymore.

So yeah, let’s start with that. Be honest when you ask yourself, “How honest am I with myself?” And what I mean by that is, when it comes to certain things about your life right now that you wish were different, what things have you said and done that have brought you to this place and space?

For the record, being honest isn’t just about not lying or not being deceitful. Being honest is also about being genuine and being genuine is about not pretending, being authentic, and (catch this) staying original.

That last one alone is a real doozy because we live in a culture that beckons people to not be fresh, inventive, or unusual; it simply wants you to “get in line” and “play toy soldier” when it comes to relationships, sex, career paths, spirituality, your looks…shoot, you name it. And gee, when you look at honesty from the light of originality…a whole lot of people are liars, right? You ain’t neva lied.

That’s why it’s important to do self-inventory, at least a couple of times a year, by asking yourself how genuine you are with your motives, how authentic you are in your words and actions, and how original you are when it comes to your approach to things.

That reminds me — there’s another thing that you should factor in when it comes to this particular point and that’s some clear signs that you do indeed lie to yourself. Ready?

• You don’t take correction (because you only want to hear what YOU want to hear)
• You are always right (if that ain’t a damn lie, I don’t know what is; NO ONE is right all of the time)
• You’re hypocritical (you say one thing and do another and/or hold people to a bar that you don’t even keep)
• You let your emotions lead you all of the time (feelings are fickle; you need more stability than that)
• You run when things get hard (by telling yourself that life should always be easy and something is wrong if it’s not, that is a lie)
• You are inflexible (thinking that life doesn’t have seasons and shifts and that you shouldn’t adapt when they come, that is a lie)
• You romanticize everything (that’s not optimism; that’s foolishness)
• You put feelings over logic (self-explanatory)
• Your ego runs the show (also self-explanatory)
• You think everything should go the way you want it to

If any of these things deeply resonate with you, I can already tell you that you are definitely holding yourself back because one thing about the truth is it’s going to be rooted in facts, reality, and things that actually exist — not things that you merely wish would be the case.

So, say that you want to progress at your job, yet you always find an excuse for why you don’t complete tasks on time; you and the leaders over you are constantly bumping heads, and at the end of the day, you’re inflexible and unteachable — and yet somehow, when you meet up with friends for drinks after work and complain, you conveniently leave those things out, So, while everyone is talking about how your company doesn’t value you, you are lying to yourself and to your friends because you’re not taking accountability for your own actions.

Refusing to see you when it comes to your own life? Being dishonest with your own self in that way? That is definitely a top reason why many people remain in the patterns and cycles that they are in.

There’s more, though.

Remember: Familiar Isn’t Always or Automatically Good

Let’s tackle relationships for a moment. Say that you’re 29 and you want to be married and a mom by 35. Thing is, you keep going back to an ex, hoping that you can turn him into your husband and the father of your future children. Whenever you bring him up to your bestie, she’s always rolling her eyes. Whenever you update your male friends, they’re chuckling under their breath. Interestingly enough, although you know why you’re getting the responses and reactions that you do, you find yourself blaming everyone but the person who is keeping you from reaching your marriage and family goals — and it ain’t your ex either…it’s YOU.

I mean, if a man doesn’t want to move forward and you stay with him anyway, how is that his fault? You’re the one who’s sticking around for a front-row seat of the okey-doke show. And why do you do it? There could be dozens of reasons, to tell you the truth. However, one of them, I believe, is based on a saying that I tend to use in my sessions quite a bit: we tend to do what’s familiar, not what’s right.

What I mean by that is, no matter how much something (or someone) may make us uncomfortable, may take us for granted, may mistreat us in some way, or simply may be showing signs of being a perpetual dead end — sometimes we will keep going back because that is the treatment that we’re used to.

I mean, isn’t that a big part of what Stockholm syndrome is all about, a victim developing a psychological bond with its abuser (I recently watched an indie film called Allure that touched on this in some pretty damning ways)? And so yeah, sometimes going back to an ex, because that is what you know, seems so much easier to do (although it really isn’t if all that you’re ultimately doing is wasting your time) than breaking up with him for real, so that you can end old habits, learn new things and get to what and who is actually good for and to you (check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?”).

Although I’m sure that you’re aware of what the general concept of "good" means, just so you can know, for sure, if you are trading what’s familiar for it, "good" means things like "beneficial," "satisfactory," "right," "proper," "fit," "worthy," "safe," "sound," "genuine," "reliable," "dependable," and "trustworthy" (and that’s just 12 definitions). Now, if you’re on the brink of 30 and you want to have a family in five years, and your ex is dragging his feet…at the end of the day, what is possibly "good" about that? Not only that but what is happening, based on your goals, that is showing him to be a safe option, a reliable choice, and someone who will be a solid fit for you long-term?

Listen, a lot of people hold themselves back in life because they stick with what’s familiar when they need to be releasing it for what’s good so that they can do what’s actually right. Are you doing that? Again, be honest with yourself.

Sometimes Fear Can Be a Good Thing

Another thing that you could be doing to yourself is allowing fear to keep you from making real progress in life. That’s actually one thing that I admire about kids so much: their total fearlessness. They don’t really stop to think about the “bad” things that could happen if they say, jump out of a swing or flip off of some monkey bars; they want to try it, and so they’re going to do it. No matter how it turns out, at least they tried.

Although maturity does teach us to factor in things like wisdom and risk when making decisions, some people need to — yep, you guessed it — be honest with themselves and admit that the reason why they haven’t moved out of state or gone back to school or left their career for a new line of work is because they’re scared of what might happen if they do instead of focusing more on all of the grand things that could transpire once they do.

Fear is really an article on all its own, yet for the sake of time and space, I’ll end here by saying that being fearful is not a spiritually healthy way to live your life. I’ve got two Bible verses to totally back me up on this:

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 2:7 — NKJV)

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” (I John 4:18 — NKJV)

Goodness. I don’t know how much more can be said because if God and love don’t get behind fear, why should you? Like…REALLY.

Are You Too Prideful to Ask for Help?

Some of the funniest people in the world to me — not “ha ha” funny, more like “you are your own worst enemy” funny — are the ones who find themselves in a bind, are offered help, and refuse it. I mean, do you want to stay in the jam that you’re in or not? And what’s wild is, when you read articles (like the ones here, here, and here) on why people tend to not take the helping hand of other people, pride was always a top cause.

Just for the record, being prideful includes things like being unteachable, getting defensive, not being grateful, thinking that you can do everything on your own (which is hyper-independence), not being able to submit to authority, and wanting to always be praised for things. When you factor all of this in, can you see how all of this would make it very difficult to accept the assistance of another individual? Can you also see that if you need help and you’re not taking it, you’re participating in a form of self-sabotage that is counterproductive as hell (in the wise words of Thomas Hobbes, “Hell is truth seen too late.”)?

I can’t tell you how many people I know who have held themselves back because they were too prideful to humble themselves and admit that they couldn’t do something on their own. I don’t know if they refused assistance because they wanted the bragging rights of making accomplishments by themselves or they avoided support due to trust issues (or wanting to be the person to always help others, which is oftentimes known as “humble pride”). Either way, the ego can be a dangerous thing if it’s not brought into some sort of submission.

And you know what, if after reading this part, you feel triggered in some way, that’s probably your cue to do some journaling about if you need to get your pride under control. After all, Scripture does tell us that “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4 — NKJV)

Ask Yourself If What You’re Doing Now Will Benefit You Five Years from Now

Counterproductivity. At the end of the day, it’s all about being busy, doing things, yet not being busy doing things that are ultimately NOT going to (really) benefit you (much) in the long run. That said, what are you doing that’s professionally counterproductive? What are you doing that is personally counterproductive? What are you doing that is relationally counterproductive? What are you doing that is physically (and health-wise) counterproductive? Lawd, have mercy — what are you doing that is financially counterproductive? You get my drift.

I will tell you from personal experience that it’s really easy to get caught up in people, places, things, and ideas that really aren’t going to serve you very well if you don’t have a mapped-out plan. In fact, I was just having this conversation with a girlfriend of mine who has a music project that she needs to get done yet because she has so many other opportunities coming her way, she keeps pushing it back. NOT GOOD. Because while she’s lending her talent, skills, and names to help others attain their goals, she’s not reaching hers — and that’s actually holding herself back. And yes, at the end of the day, that is pretty counterproductive.

So, as I bring this to a close, that’s another thing that you should get really honest with yourself about: are you doing things, right now, that you know will benefit you five years from now? For instance, would it make more sense to put that $250 in a high-yield savings account or buy another pair of shoes that you are probably only going to wear a couple of times this year? Sure, one will scratch a temporary itch; however, what will have your back in the long run? I’m telling you, impulsive life living is definitely something that 1) many people go into complete denial about and 2) tons of folks allow to stand in their way.

A spiritual teacher by the name of Vernon Howard once said, “Be honest with yourself. That opens the door” — the door to self-awareness, the door to growth, the door to a life that you can truly make the most of.

You know, a lot of individuals will never gain access to all that life has to offer them because they would rather lie to themselves than get really honest and face some hard truths.

And so, if you were looking for a sign that you might be one of those individuals, get honest right now — ARE YOU?

Get free. Tell the truth, chile.

Watch what opens up for you…once you do!

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