The Things Men Say On Dates That Are Huge Red Flags

Shellie R. Warren PCC

Apr 22, 2019 16:21 PM +0000

Recently, a guy told me that he wasn't into dating because he felt that it came with too much pressure. To him, when it came to getting to know a woman a little better, he preferred to go to her house (or have her come to his) and watch a movie or something.

Geez. If you could only see my face right now. Before "Netflix and Chill" was a phrase on a graphic T-shirt, I never thought "dating at home" was a good idea. What I mean by that is the first five dates or so, that needs to be about two people not only getting to know one another but showing the effort that they are willing to invest in doing so. When all a guy does is come over, eat up your food and use up your electricity while watching something on your television…not only does that come off as rather lazy on his part, on your end, it also doesn't really convey what your expectations are—when it comes to exploring the possibility of a relationship.

So yeah, if there is a mutual attraction between you and someone new, please require that you both go outside of one another's residences for the first few dates. And then also, in the effort to set a few more standards, make sure that open communication is a top priority. Oh, and if you happen to hear the following things come out of your date's mouth, I strongly suggest that you reconsider going on another outing with him and that you definitely don't give him the honor of dinner and a movie at your crib any time soon.

I recently read an article about why some people are always late. According to the author, the reasons vary from them feeling like being early is a waste of their time to them believing that being early is awkward. Whatever. I think that people who are always late are that way 1) because they never have any consequences for their behavior and 2) they don't respect other people's time as much as they should.
I definitely believe this applies to someone you are dating. If a man is in the right mindset, he's going to find spending time with you to be a privilege. This means that not only is he going to want to take advantage of as many minutes as possible but he's always going to show up on time.
A guy who is late on a first date and/or is chronically late on the dates that follow shows the red flag that he doesn't value your time as much as he should. And you know what? If you let this slide too much, it'll only be a matter of time before you start to feel taken for granted in other ways too.
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Since reportedly around 40 percent of couples meet online, this wack sentence has to go into the mix. Now, it's one thing to kittenfish someone (which is basically when you exaggerate your appearance or facts about yourself). But if you meet someone via a dating site, app or even your IG and your pic is pretty recent, but they come at you being all "cryptically critical" right out of the gate, not only is that rude but it may show they're somewhat controlling side very early on.
What I mean by that is if he's always nitpicking at your appearance and you let that slide, he might start sneaking in comments about your hair, your weight or what outfits he thinks you should be wearing.
I'm not saying this applies to all men. I'm just saying that a statement like this is tacky at best, so it's a good idea to keep your guard up. For real, for real.
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Have you ever heard of the phrase "phubbing" before? A few years ago, The Atlantic did a feature on it. It was talking about how it has now become the norm for us to snub people for our phones. Ugh.
There's a guy I used to date who modeled the importance of turning my phone off whenever I'm physically with another individual. By him doing that, not only did it send the message that he didn't want to focus on anyone or thing more than me (nice), but that he also had manners.
Unless the guy you're seeing is a father, (something like) a doctor or he gets a text that says it's an emergency, there is no reason why he needs to take a call during dinner. Or a movie. Or when he's with you, period.
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Speaking of being online, since almost three billion people have active social media accounts, it's getting harder and harder to not find out info on someone, even if you're preparing to go on a blind date. So yeah, just like there's a huge possibility that you may check ole' boy's IG before meeting up, there's a big chance he will do the same.
That's fine but perk your ears up for what he may mention as a result of his perusing. If he's insistent on knowing about all of the men on your page or he's critiquing your own comments and interactions, this usually means that he's being more than merely conversational or inquisitive. He could be revealing the beginning traits of being a pushy and controlling type of person.
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If there's one thing that both my platonic and romantic relationships with me have taught me, it's that men don't lie nearly as much as we don't ask the right questions. For instance, asking a man, "Are you seeing someone?" is probably not what you really want to know. He probably knows that too, so he might say something along the lines of "I mean, it's nothing serious." Chances are, what you really want to know is if he's interested in becoming exclusive with someone at some point. Sooo…ask that.
A man who is emotionally mature and not afraid of commitment won't have a problem directly answering the question. But if he's ducking and dodging your inquiry, he keeps referring to someone as "nothing serious" or even a "baby's mama" (you'd be surprised how many men who are in serious relationships or are even married will call their lady that), I'd suggest that you ask flat out if they are in a relationship. Based on someone's integrity level, "nothing serious" is relative.
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Since reportedly 25 percent of people have turned a one-night stand into a relationship (for instance, Chrissy Teigen included had sex with hubby John Legend on their first date), clearly the stigma of them isn't what it used to be. Still, err on the side of caution with a man who brings up sex, in any form, during the first few dates. Unless the two of you are already friends, he doesn't know you well enough to come at you about something so intimate. Guys who are interested in more than just hittin' the sheets know this and act accordingly.
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Yeah, I bet. Who doesn't like it when someone is paying for their meal? For the record, I'm not the girl who thinks that a man should always pick up the check on a date. Once some sort of relationship (and mutual understanding) has been established, some give and take is perfectly fine.
But on the first date? A first date that you asked me on? Any guy who rolls up on me like that, it gives me the impression that he's just as, if not more, interested in going out for free as spending time with me. And if he's someone who is waiting for me to get the check because it's some sort of cryptic test? The first, second and third date are way too early for him to be "testing" anything about me. Get to know me first. Act like you appreciated the honor by not waiting for my hand to move over towards the tab too.
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This final red flag is more for after you've been on three or more dates. If I've said it once, I've said it a billion times before, I'm not a fan of the word "casual" because it literally means that things are transpiring in an apathetic or indifferent way with no serious intentions or thought of commitment.
That said, unfortunately, a lot of women think that just because the guy is a great date, they are headed towards something serious. A man can be romantic, a great conversationalist and have amazing chemistry with you and still only see you on a casual level.
If you're interested in dating for the purpose of it growing into something more serious and lasting, after three dates, it's perfectly fine to bring that up. If while you're talking, he breaks eye contact, fidgets and says something along the lines of, "Well…let's see", there's about an 60-70 percent red flag in that. While he could be someone who lives in the moment, chances are, he's more like the guy who hates talking about commitment on any real level. If he doesn't even want to even discuss it, what makes you think he's in a rush to actually do it?
Again, I'm not saying you have to call it quits with this kind of man, but if after six months, nothing has really changed—as it relates to any of these flags—don't say I didn't give you a heads up that he very well could've been totally wasting your time. Just sayin'.
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Featured image by Getty Images

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