What is a carefree black girl?
Well first, I think it's important to start at its root: black girl.
She stares back at me in the mirror, childishness in the past, woman in her presence. She hasn't always been as easy to love. When I was in elementary school - afro-hair twisted into five ponytails, surrounded by white kids who looked and felt more aged than me and somehow prettier, because their shininess reflected that of the soap operas and talk shows and children's shows I watched with my mother at home – no one told me so, but I felt ugly in comparison and wondered why I couldn't look like one classmate in particular: Ashley Stephens.
Her golden Rapunzel hair, blue eyes full of lashes, and freckles dusting the apples of her cheeks. Everybody loved Ashley. She reminded me of a Barbie I had.
I wanted to be noticed and heralded, but of course, it'd take me years to realize that was the strange desire swelling within me.
Back then, my black girl was hard to love because I couldn't see her pretty.
My pretty didn't look like anything outside what was home to me. But as I grew older, my views on my blackness expanded as I was introduced to the plethora and variety of our shapes, the soul in our eyes, the strength in our backs, the frizz of our kinks, the fullness of our lips, the depths of our complexions – we were fine, we were powerful, we glowed. I grew to love the flower that bloomed and billowed from my roots.
The carefree came after, especially with the presence of soulful eclectic creatives like Solange Knowles and before her, the Baduism of the world, that made me embrace my quirks, my style, and hair.
Without even noticing, #carefreeblackgirl became a movement where black girls and black women globally appreciated one another and themselves.
I was inspired by this love and mine to pay homage to our power and our queendom.
We asked carefree black girls what being a carefree black girl meant to them and how they felt they embody its essence. Check out their beautiful liberating responses below:
Khalilah
"A carefree black girl is…Living for me and loving it every step of the way."
My definition of carefree means being your genuine self, not allowing anyone to make you feel uncomfortable in your own skin, loving yourself unconditionally, and following your own rules in this game of life. After ending a 6 year relationship, I completely lost myself but ever since we have gone our separate ways, I have gained so much clarity. I'm doing things I've always wanted to do and always wanted to try: indoor rock climbing, aerial yoga, ice skating, hiking.
My point is, at 26, I am finally living MY LIFE! No more worrying about what I can do to make this man love me more or comparing myself to what society tell us is beautiful. I no longer am anxious or fearful of life, I'm just enjoying every moment that I'm breathing. I'm a carefree girl because I'm finally living for ME, and loving it every step of the way!
Shanel
"A carefree black girl…Loves God, realizes she's not perfect but acknowledges Him for everything."
I am carefree and to me that means you can get my care for free. It doesn't come with a price tag and there are no expectations. I provide empathy with no strings attached and unbiased advice that is holistic to the individual I am conversing with. I have learned to be carefree in a sense that this world may not be as accepting as we'd like, but the person we accept should be the reflection we face each day, made up or made down.
I decided to let other people's opinions of my choices and standards go. There are studies all over that say this about black women, and that about black women. But so what? The way my faith system is set up, there isn't a statistic around that could make me question God's plan for my life. So I live it. It took me 25 years to be happy with me, why would I allow this world to change that? Answer: I'm not.
Brandi
"A carefree black girl is…Someone who has the freedom to care about what is important while having the freedom to not care about what isn't important."
I spent many years being an all-caring, all-worrying girl – and one day, I woke up, really woke up, and realized that I was broken and weighed down. I was carrying a load much too heavy for me. I didn't mind carrying that load, but when I realized what that load consisted of, I found that not much of it actually benefited me. I decided to only carry my “cares". Now I'm free to live my purpose, my dream, my desires and my plans. While that may sound selfish – which I battled with – it's not. I realized that I can't be a benefit to others if I'm broken. Now, restored Brandi has a lot more to offer.
For me, it doesn't mean to be completely free of cares, but it does mean two things: 1) the freedom to care about what is important to me and 2) the freedom to not care about what isn't important to me.
Auria
"A carefree black girl…Doesn't mean being careless, if anything, it means to care without regrets"
Ever since I can remember, I've always been a carefree girl. I have learned to be that way because life is too short to dwell on your mistakes or mishaps. Being carefree doesn't mean being careless, if anything, it means to care without regrets. Being a carefree girl means living through life's obstacles with your head held high and wearing a smile. To be carefree, you have to let go and let God. You have to trust who you are and trust in your growth. Being a carefree girl means treating people with kindness but not letting anyone take advantage of it. Life is full of ups and downs and throughout it all I will remain carefree because I know it'll take me far, opening up doors and blessings for me.
Rebecca
"A carefree black girl…driven by life to enjoy life with love being my motivator"
I would like to think of myself as a carefree girl because I am driven by life to enjoy life with love being my motivator. Love from my daughters gives me the strength on a daily basis to achieve such things, along with the love of God and family which act as icing on my cake. Society can't shape or form what this woman has become. I want to be like no one but me, Carefree Girl of Love.
Markyta
"A carefree black girl is…Following my heart and letting go of my past."
I can be anti-social, emotional, crazy, and random. I love hard. I am loyal and dedicated to changing the world. I am free-spirited, creative, and helpful. I have crying spells, I curse, I threaten to judo-chop people when they annoy me and I occasionally drink. I am complex and I am perfectly imperfect. As I approach 30, I have to learn to unapologetically live for me and chase my dreams. While focusing on my purpose, I've learned to follow my heart and let go of the past. I am ambitious but not thirsty. I am learning to let all things (and people) that reject me to redirect me. I am a carefree girl, just the way God made me.
LaTasha
"A carefree black girl is…Not letting my status of standing on the margins of both race and gender inhibit or disable me from living a life of freedom."
Carefree is not allowing anything or anyone stand in the way of what you believe in and where God has called you to be. You care less about the opinion of others who only judge what they see and never took the time to embrace the inner you. You stress less when you can go to bed at night knowing that your past is behind you and your tomorrow is going to be so much greater. You smile more because you feel condiment in taking yourself out on a date because you deserve every bit of loving yourself.
You give more to those in need because you know for every seed you sew, you will continue to receive your blessings from God. I am a strong believer in myself and everything that I do. I am passionate, ambitious, independent, goal-driven, and ready to take it to the next level in my life. I am a carefree girl.
Maura
"A carefree black girl is…An on-purpose attitude towards what life throws my way, taking it in stride with grace and gratitude for experiences and lessons learned."
I'm 20 years old and a recent graduate of Spelman College. With the new year, I am taking on title of the official correspondent for Bossip's The Bossip Report. I am also building a branding consulting agency for WOC entrepreneurs. I have self-identified as a “carefree black girl" before hashtags and retweets. Being carefree to me means living unapologetically while knowing you can maximize your potential anywhere with your own unique sensibility.
It means not compromising what makes you you for anyone. As a carefree black girl specifically, being carefree means not letting my status of standing on the margins of both race and gender inhibit or disable me from living a life of freedom. I am nobody's mule. I am a carefree wonder of the world.
Brandy
"A carefree black girl is…Knowing that you are your own definition of beautiful."
As a divorced single mom by the age of 30, I have been through a lot in the past two years. I have dealt with the judgment, stereotypes, and stigmas associated with both. Carefree to me means being free from other people's opinions of who I am, who I should be or what I should do. When I actually sat back and thought about it, I couldn't believe how much of my life was spent trying to please other people. True happiness doesn't require other people's approval. Once I learned that, I began to love life more and live life for me, on my terms and no one else's. Carefree, to me, means free from seeking the approval of others. Carefree means living my life the way I want to and changing what I want for my life any time I feel like it. I went from teacher to makeup artist to corporate America and I'm still not done yet. Carefree means creating and doing things that I love. Carefree means being able to share my truth with others courageously and authentically. Carefree is not a nonchalant disposition but an on-purpose attitude towards what life throws my way, taking it in stride with grace and gratitude for experiences and lessons learned.
Carefree is knowing that you are your own definition of beautiful. You may not always see it in the media but that doesn't take away from you. Own your power, define yourself, and your life. That's carefree.
Megan
To know oneself is not an act of narcissism. To know oneself is a service to not only you as an individual but also to those around you. Those who love and care for you. I came to understand that only by truly knowing and loving myself for both my beautiful qualities and my faults; I could then offer a better me to those around me. It didn't all happen like the flip of a light bulb either. In looking back it might have been a number of things which lead to my awakening, to a more carefree me. It might have been the loss of a close relative, someone I looked up to and held in the highest regard in terms of her spirit, her drive, and unending compassion.
It might have been my being diagnosed with Lupus and navigating what that might then mean for my life. It might have been failed relationships both platonic and romantic. Or in contrast it may have been those blessed beautiful moments in life. Like the times you meet those special people who offer and receive your love without judgment or expectation. That support system you've waited so long to find who have your back no matter what. Those people who encourage your wildest dreams and remind you that nothing is impossible. Those are the people who make you feel as though with their support you can fly across vast reaching horizons without fear of falling.
I used to be overridden with anxiety. It got in the way of my relationships with family, friends and boyfriends. I often look back and think to myself “I wish I could tell that young girl to relax, to stress less." But then I decide that I wouldn't go back and change things for one moment. In changing her I'd be changing the woman I am now & that I would never wish to do.
Being carefree means being vulnerable. The woman I am now travels the U.S. and abroad solo on a whim & finds her greatest peace in those cherished adventures when I can be my own best company. The woman I am now says "no" when I want to say "no" and "yes" only when I truly want to say "yes." The woman I am now is social and loves to host a great party but also cherishes my personal time. I enjoy taking myself out for a solo dinner at which I'll indulge in a three course meal accompanied by a couple glasses of nice wine.
This is not all to say that I am completely void of care but I have found a beautiful place of personal balance where I now understand the importance of letting those things that I cannot change go and knowing that everything is going to be just fine because I am a good person and goodness is due to me. My story is already being paved, I simply must walk it with a head held high being confident that I have given the very best of myself to this beautiful thing called life.
I am a carefree girl.
What is a carefree black girl to you and what was your journey towards finding that? Share below.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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