If you start pursuing your college degree and realize you didn’t pick the right school, you can transfer.
If you take on a position at work that is no longer aligned with your purpose, you can find a new job.
If you end up in a miserable marriage, you can separate. But what do you do when the source of your misery is motherhood?
This uncomfortable question is one that our society simply does not want to address. We’ve read countless articles and come across tons of social media videos where women have ended their own lives and neglected or harmed their children because they simply didn’t have any help. Based on the commentary online, “You can’t complain; you CHOSE to have a kid,” a mother’s mental health comes secondary to her kids.
Motherhood is undeniably one of the most challenging positions you’ll ever be put in - and one that doesn’t come with a playbook.
So what happens when you succumb to society’s pressure of becoming a parent only to feel like you played yourself? **Cues DJ Khaled**
When I became a mother at the tender age of 35, I still felt extremely unprepared. Couple that with a traumatic birth experience, a lack of emotional support, and a lot of anxiety - and mama was an emotional wreck!
In a recent social media poll, 57% of moms said if they had a choice to do it all over again, they would not choose to have children in the same circumstances.
FG Trade/ Getty ImagesI spoke with millennial mom Alechia Reese about her story and struggles with motherhood. Alechia had a beautiful baby girl within the confines of her marriage, which later ended in divorce. Given her current circumstances, she says she is resentful of the full-time sole parenting responsibility. And rightfully so… After all, nobody walks down the aisle with the expectation of ending up in divorce court. She says, “If I had made better choices, I may have enjoyed motherhood. Protecting our wombs is incredibly important, and not giving babies to men who don’t deserve them.”
“If I had made better choices, I may have enjoyed motherhood. Protecting our wombs is incredibly important, and not giving babies to men who don’t deserve them.”
Unfortunately, Alechia’s story isn’t that unique. When I asked a few other millennial moms to share their regrets regarding motherhood, here’s what they said:
“I love my children, but I regret putting myself in this position. I am constantly overwhelmed, and I am left to make every decision by myself. I am drained and hardly ever had any time for myself or to myself. I do not enjoy being a mother, and there’s nobody I can say that to.” - Chelsea F., 34
“I never expected to feel this way about being a mom. I have always wanted to have kids, but I did not expect that it would be this hard. I thought my maternal instinct would kick in, but I am two kids in and still feel like I am struggling. I don’t have a village, and I am stuck doing it all alone. Don’t even get me started on daycare costs, diapers, and everything else I have to figure out now. If I complain to anyone about my kids, they make me feel guilty. So I suck it up and keep going.” - Madeline H., 32
“There are amazing days as a mom, and there are days that I wish I could get somebody else to do it! Nobody talks about how hard it can be to manage multiple kids and try to manage yourself, too. I think my experience as a mom would be completely different if I had a better co-parenting situation.” - Nicole W., 32
“I really wish I would have waited to get married before I had my baby. I love her to death but I am always tired, I can’t think straight half the time, and I have very little help. If I could do it all over again, I would definitely wait until I had a solid partner to parent with.” - Faith D., 40
I think it’s safe to say that the majority of women wouldn’t trade their children for the world, but there are quite a few who would do things differently if given the chance. Some of the reasons so many women find their mental health compromised with motherhood are:
fotostorm/ Getty Images
Lack of Support
We’ve all heard the phrase, “It takes a village to raise a child,” but it also takes a village to support a mother. Millennials are known for packing up and moving away from home, so instead of our babies spending the weekend at granny's house, granny more than likely lives in another city and sees the baby on social media.
The village that we once counted on no longer exists within our community, let alone our country. The U.S. simply is not a family-friendly country and that keeps moms feeling left out and forgotten about.
Solution: Support might be closer than you think. Even if you don’t naturally have a village (family), you can get intentional about finding your tribe. From your local YMCA or Lifetime Fitness, which offers free childcare, to finding a church home or social group - there’s someone right in your city to support you, sis!
Lack of Preparation
Most of us were led to believe that our maternal instincts would kick in the moment we became mothers, and that’s just not the case for everyone. Some women experience a disconnect with themselves, with their baby, and with their sanity during postpartum. Imagine coming home from the hospital alone and feeling clueless about what to do. The majority of online resources for moms are related to pregnancy, not parenting. So in the midst of what could be a mental health crisis, you’re left to figure out how to best care for your child.
For most moms, it’s even tougher to put your pride aside and admit you need help parenting.
Solution: You would be surprised how many helpful women you can find who are willing to share with you and support you on social media - specifically Facebook. There are hundreds of mom-based groups that you can join where you can find relevant resources and connect with like-spirited women in similar situations. You can find groups based on the age of your child, your city, your lifestyle, your beliefs, etc.
Plus, you can post anonymously in the groups to ask your questions without feeling any judgment or pressure to appear to be a perfect parent. These groups are also great to show you that nobody has it all figured out. Don’t let your pride keep you from becoming the best parent possible.
Lack of Financial Resources
We all know the economy is trash, and childcare costs were ridiculous even before this recession. Grocery prices have gotten out of control, people are paying upwards of $500/week for daycare, and moms are struggling to keep up. If your income doesn’t allow you to qualify for assistance of any sort, you’re often stuck in between ‘making enough but not having enough.’ So it’s up to us to get smart about how we are spending, saving, and managing our money.
Solution: There are women like @bitchimbudgeting who share practical budgeting tips and tricks to help you better manage your finances by doing simple things like canceling subscriptions, eating out less, actively setting aside for savings, and more. And there are TONS of coupon/deal accounts that post daily sales for things you are probably purchasing anyway.
One little-known money-saver I recently found out about was app-based cell phone service. Visible is a service that is owned by Verizon, and uses their towers but costs $25/month. Making this one change saved me $300/month! T-Mobile has Mint Wireless for $25/month, and there are other options that may be available in your area as well.
Regardless of how much our babies are a blessing, they can absolutely feel like a burden at times. It’s important that millennial moms intentionally invest in self-care and seek the support that they need to become the parents their babies deserve.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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At the same time, though, it’s one thing to age; however, it’s another thing, entirely, to prematurely age — and that is what we are going to get into today: things that you can find yourself doing that can rush the season that you are supposed to actually be in as far as aging is concerned. And one of those things includes the kind of relationships that you choose to get (or remain) in.
Are you ready to learn how to choose wisely as far as your aging seasons go? Wonderful.
Things That Naturally Speed Up the Aging Process Overall
The reason why I am starting this off with a clip from the podcast ReLiving Single is because, if there is one person who I think is aging so beautifully and gracefully, it’s Queen Latifah. Personally, I like that she isn’t trying to look half her age and yet she still looks really, really good.
I’d venture to say that a part of the reason why is that she really does seem to “stay out the way” as far as dramatic celebrity culture goes which definitely can make one’s life less stressful — and there is quite a bit of proof that the less stressed out you are, the more you are able to slow down the aging process (more on that in just a bit). So, salute to you you, Queen. Salute, indeed.
Other than stress, you know what other things can speed up the (physical) aging process:
- Eating processed foods
- Wearing too much eye make-up (all of the time) and/or sleeping in your cosmetics
- Drinking out of straw (too often)
- Consuming too much coffee
- Not taking care of your teeth
- Not getting enough exercise
- Being consumed with/by negativity
- Stressing out your nervous system by being on your devices all of the time
- NOT PRIORITIZING REST
- Not having a quality social life
That last one? Watch how I connect the dots between it and the kind of friendships that you have. Because the reality is that if your relationships are causing stress, drama and/or trauma, are making you feel lonely rather than supported and/or they have you out here doing most of the work just to keep them going, that is absolutely going to age you, physically, mentally and emotionally, far faster than you should be aging.
How Friendships Impact How You Age
GiphyA couple of years ago, the American Psychological Association published an article entitled, “The science of why friendships keep us healthy.” The CliffsNotes are this: according to science, individuals who have HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS report being more satisfied with their lives, are less likely to deal with depression and, physically, they are diagnosed with less diseases and end up living longer overall as well. In fact, it goes on to say that those who have no genuine friendships or poor quality ones are twice as likely to die prematurely.
A part of the reason is because good friendships equate to experiencing less stress which means that our health is in better condition, along with our brain. On the cognitive tip, that’s good to know because these types of relationships also motivate and inspire us to make plans, set goals and to become better people overall.
And that is why friendships can absolutely affect how you age as an individual. Yep, according to science, when your friendships are solid, intact and consistently that way, it can literally slow down your biological clock in the sense of your system experiencing less chronic inflammation (which can lead to diseases) and your cortisol levels being lower.
You know, I’ve written articles in the past that feature warning signs of having unhealthy friendships in your midst. Some of them include “10 Signs You’ve Got A Close (TOXIC) Friend,” “Why Friendships Should Come With Deal-Breakers Too,” “7 Signs Your Friendship...Actually Isn't One,” “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?” and “5 Signs Your Closest Friends Are The Most Envious Of You” and, as you can see, to be in a relationship with someone who really isn’t good for your mind and/or body and/or spirit?
Not only could it literally be putting your mental health and emotional well-being on the line, it could actually cut your life short too. And who in the world is possibly worth risking that? NO ONE.
Circling back to the ReLiving Single podcast, everyone appears to still be friends; they also seem to be thriving in their own special and distinctive ways as well. That is the goal that we all should have in our own friendship dynamics, don’t you think? Not either/or. BOTH.
So, in honor of aging wisely, well and gracefully as far as your own friendships are concerned, I’ve got a few tips to keep your own friendships on track.
5 Tips for Choosing Friends Who Keep You “Youthful”
GiphyFashion designer Karl Lagerfeld once said, “Youthfulness is about how you live, not when you were born” and when I think about synonyms for youthful like active, fresh, keen, vigorous and buoyant, I would absolutely have to agree.
So, how do you go about selecting friends who can help to keep you in this type of youthful head and heart space?
1. Cultivate friendships where you feel safe. Because several things about my childhood were unsafe, I spent many years selecting friends who were the same — and that will absolutely stress you TF out. At the end of the day, being in safe friendships is all about surrounding yourself with individuals who you can trust, who help you to feel secure while in and out of their space and who don’t come with a lot of emotional or relational risk. If you need some help figure out what that looks out, read Safe People: How to Find Relationships that are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't. It never disappoints.
2. Hang around people who don’t stress you out. Aight, you already saw that stress ain’t good — so definitely avoid people who are stressful — who are always in some drama; who never takes accountability; who like to play the victim; who constantly gaslight and deflect; who are unreliable and/or inconsistent; who take more than they give; who talk more than they listen — you get where I’m going. The reality is a lot of serious health-related issues (like heart disease, depression, headaches, weight gain, strokes and insomnia) are directly connected to stress. That said, always remember that friendships are supposed to enhance your life. If you’re not feeling your best because of some “friend”? It’s time to do some serious reevaluating. Your health depends on it. LITERALLY.
3. Spend time with friends who hold you accountable. Want to know another sign of a toxic friend: they don’t want to be held accountable and/or they don’t want to hold you accountable. Whew, I am so sick of people living by the totally f’ed up motto that if someone is their friend, they should back them no matter how ridiculous their choices may be. Nah, if something is going to cause hurt, harm or danger — you are a horrible friend to cheer that stuff on and/or they are a horrible friend to back you in your toxic decisions. Love means telling people things that they don’t want to hear sometimes in order for them to dodge foolishness. Mature and healthy friendships know this to be true.
4. Commit to friends where mutual reciprocity is evident. Back when my house burned down and I was trying to find a new place to stay, a friend of mine gave me some real money to put towards my down payment (because I also lost one of my main-paying gigs a month later). Fast forward to this year and she was in a bind, so I gave her some real money to bankroll a project. THAT’S WHAT RECIPROCITY LOOKS AND LIVES LIKE. A part of the reason why good friendships slow down aging is because they help us out in times of need so that we don’t feel like we are out here alone. That said, if you’re wondering if your friendships are worth a damn, ponder if you can consistently rely on each other; even if/when it’s (sometimes) inconvenient to do so (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”).
5. Surround yourself with friends who celebrate you. Question: Do your friends CELEBRATE you? Believe it or not, that is another way that they can play a role in you aging gracefully. That’s because, according to science, celebratory activities can reduce your stress levels, help to put/keep you in a good mood, prevent loneliness and isolation and make you feel like you are a priority in the lives of others. Think about the last time your friends made a big deal outta you? It will reveal quite a bit.
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Again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with aging. Case in point, every day, someone doesn’t make it to the age that you currently are — and that’s real. Just make sure that you aren’t doing things that “age you” before your time. This includes choosing friendships that put frown lines on your face instead of laugh ones.
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