The recent news of Cassie and Diddy breaking up has been triggering the internet and putting everyone in their feelings. One would think it was their eleven-year relationship has suddenly ended. Most feel as though Cassie "wasted" her time. While Cassie's only comment has been a resounding, "F*ck These Hoes".
If I could have just a few words with Cassie, I would give her a word from the Book of Rihanna. I would tell Cassie all about the great Gospel of Rihanna. I would focus the lesson around the Book of ANTI, Song Number 7. My centering thought will be the chorus for "Needed Me". The reading of the word goes as follows:
Don't get it twisted.
You was just another n*gga on the hit list,
Tryna fix your inner issues with a bad bitch.
Didn't they tell you that I was a savage?
F*ck ya white horse and ya carriage.
As we read these words out loud, may they not just hit your ears but also penetrate your heart. The title of today's lesson is, "F*ck Ya White Horse and Ya Carriage." I bring this message to you, not to disrespect the union of marriage, or to further divide the sexes. Instead, I bring this message to offer a new stance on the idea of marriage. Since the beginning of time, women, more specifically, black women have been taught to be the head of the family. We have been conditioned that it is our love and nurturing nature that allows black families to flourish. Since the dawn of time, black women have taken our task seriously.
Yet, with every disadvantage against our black families, women still measure their worthiness in society by whether or not if they are married or have kids. As the infamous lines go in the great Book of Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, "We women are expected to make life choices, always keeping in mind that marriage is most important."
But, it's a new day, sis!
Now, we are in a transitional period. Mother Earth, the Great Divine Feminine, is asking us to remember our power. This doesn't happen by lowering, disrespecting, or casting out men. No, in fact, it is the exact opposite. It is empowering, uplifting, and holding men accountable. Only when the male and female can hold mutual space, does the world return to its rightful place. But because we are stuck in this illusion that marriage is most important, i.e. pleasing a man is most important, we continue to give away our power. We are willing to put up with anything from a man for the sake of getting down the aisle, or simply just to say we have a man. Then we wonder why our marriages don't last. We are not taught to aspire to healthy, mutually respectful marriages, we're just taught to get there by any means necessary. F*ck ya white horse and ya carriage.
I use the great apostle Rihanna because despite her being worth $260 million and being one of the richest singers of all time, I remind you that Rihanna is just like us. In light of her break up, I ask Cassie to simply look to Rihanna. Think about it. We love Rihanna so much because she doesn't mind being both a sweetheart and a savage.
We embrace her because she embraces all herself (thick thighs and all), which makes me wonder, why are we are trying so hard to be perfect for these men? We should accept all parts of ourselves: the good, the bad, the bitchiness, and the flaws. Conversely, we should require our men do the same. Not shrink ourselves. That's the Gospel According to RiRi!
Expand yourself to the height of a giant, then mandate that your man meets you there! Or get the fuck out the way.
We have to learn to recognize when the men in our lives don't deserve our love, let alone our presence. That's what we, as women, have forgotten. We are the ones who makes the man better. Not the other way around. It says it in the Bible (a man who finds a wife finds a good thing). We elevate the man! We are the life-givers of the world, both literally and figuratively. Yet, we have weakened our place in society to keep our families afloat. For decades, women have molded and changed themselves for the acceptance of men, but where has that gotten us?
If he can't respect the fact that you don't want to have sex until your married, he's not the one for you. If he can't live with the fact that you like to shake your ass every Tuesday and Thursday, then guess what? He's not the one. If you have been with a man, say for, eleven years and you're still having year two problems, it's time to let it go. If you have given this man chance after chance and he's still doing the same shit - sis, it's time to let it go. Allow these moments of denial and incompatibility be your doorway to the person for you.
If you're constantly trying to morph and shape yourself into the wishes of every man you meet, how would you ever find the man for you?
And I get it, we as woman can be prideful, we want a return on our investment. But at what cost? The heartbreak is going to be so temporary compared to the constant heartbreak you will experience "trying to make it work". If Rihanna can walk away from the hottest pop star, baseball player, the greatest rappers of our generation, and a billionaire, why can't you walk away from Tyrone at Taco Bell? Why are you holding onto Harold from Howard because you two went to middle school together?
I know that society wants to us to feel like we're an endangered, undesirable species but that's bullshit. We deserve love too. Real love. Love without exception. We deserve to be in love with someone who makes us feel good. Love is supposed to inspire you. It's not supposed to feel like you're compromising yourself or losing bits and pieces of your soul. That's not love. Love is not going to make you feel like you're betraying yourself. It's not enough to just have a man.
We need to build families from a place of wholeness. Not from a place of lack or fear.
I'm asking that we as Black Women take on the attitude of Rihanna and say, "F*ck ya white horse and ya carriage."
We deserve full, all-encompassing, all-committed love. Anything else must go. We are challenging men to love us how we deserve to be loved, or to hit the curb. I'm happy for Cassie because she chooses herself.
She didn't allow the length of time to determine the price of her happiness and that's something to admire. After all, it's a new day, sis!
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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