

Recently, while I was being interviewed on the topic of relationships, someone asked me if it bothered me to be my age and still single. You know what's interesting? When I was in my late 20s with a boyfriend who hadn't yet proposed, I was bothered. During points in my 30s when I wasn't sure if I wanted to birth kids or not, I was bothered. Now? Absolutely not.
It's no secret that I haven't had sex since I was (whew) 32 and that I'll be 45 soon. One of the things this time of abstinence has done for me is helped me to purge the personalities that came with the people I slept with out of my system (oxytocin is the ultimate super glue, y'all!).
Something else it did was help me get to know who I am sans the preoccupation of being in a relationship. For the first time since, probably ever, I'm very clear on who I am, what I have to offer, what I deserve, and also what I not only desire but expect from my future husband should I ever jump a broom someday.
The things on this list that I'm about to share with you? They're not your typical kinds of characteristics. They're more like…things that I overlooked in the past; things that, either the lack of them have turned out to be major issues in the marriages of couples I work with or they're things that, if they are not present, I already know I won't be fully satisfied with my own union someday.
They're things that go way beyond he's gotta look good, be good in bed, and a protector and provider. All of those are relevant but these right here are what will keep me in the game until death parts him and me.
5 Qualities To Look For In A Husband
1.Empathy
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I'm telling you, when you spend time looking within rather than out at other people (mainly men in this case), you can discover so much about yourself; things that will help you to really know when you've met the right one for you and your life.
Me? Something I discovered, not too long ago, is that I'm an empath. I feel things…deeply. That's why I now get that I expect to be with an empathetic person—someone who is a good listener; someone who puts the needs of others before his own; someone who has natural leadership skills; someone who isn't desensitized to other people's pain…someone who has a strong sense of discernment, doesn't mind spending time alone (because Lord knows I sometimes need it) and puts real effort into trying to see my perspective of things, whether we're debating politics or having an argument about money.
Empathetic people tend to be kind, sensitive, and fully present. I think A LOT of women underestimate how important this quality in a man really and truly is.
2.Proactiveness
LIS-TEN. I didn't put these in the order of importance, but if there is one quality that I didn't require in the past from pretty much any guy I had a relationship or situationship with but is now a total deal-breaker if it's lacking, it was this one. Rather than being proactive, most of the men in my life were reactive. You know what I'm talking about—they tried to make up missing my birthday (reactive) or they'd do something thoughtful after I would bring up that I couldn't remember the last time that they had (reactive).
A reactive man can keep you on the hook for a while because if they go to extreme measures to fix things, you can feel like matters will improve. But the reason why this no longer works for me personally is because a proactive man is going to demonstrate that you're on his mind, that he wants to please you, and that you're so much of a priority that he doesn't need your help (reminders included) to show you just how much you mean to him. He's gonna be thoughtful and on top of things all on his own.
Proactiveness is a superpower and sexy as all get out. Chile, chile…CHILE.
3.Purpose Support
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Something that I make sure to bring up in premarital counseling sessions with couples is that it's important that their purposes complement one another. I'm not saying that they should be the same; I'm saying that they should work together in a way where both are giving the space and support to truly thrive.
A woman who wants a man with a set 9-to-5 schedule doesn't need to marry an entertainer (trust me, their schedules are all over the place; their income tends to be too). A man who wants a traditional housewife needs to think long and hard about being with an entrepreneur (her ambition may clash with his expectations).
So many people—people who truly love one another—end up straight-up resenting each other, all because they feel like their partner is not (pardon the corniness, but it's the first thing that came to mind) the wind beneath their wings but a huge stumbling block.
Mark Twain once said, "The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why." My husband needs to celebrate my birthday and support my purpose. Both are non-negotiable. Your husband should do the same. Because if you're married but because of the obstacles from your husband, you're unable to soar in the very lane of why God put you here in the first place…what kind of marriage is that?!
4.Appreciation
I don't know about you, but I love hard and I give a lot. I don't have to think about it, it's just who I am. But in the past, rarely did I feel truly appreciated for my efforts. I allowed both men and women to manipulate me into thinking that expecting such a thing meant that my motives for giving were wrong in the first place.
Whatever. Someone who benefits in a relationship who doesn't express gratitude is rude. And if you let them get away with it for too long, that can transfer over into them having a sense of entitlement when it comes to your time, resources, effort, and everything else.
Appreciative people say "thank you." Appreciative people let you know that you matter to them. Appreciative people aren't comfortable with one-sided relationships (they are all about reciprocity). Appreciative people are generous.
I can only imagine how many marriages would avoid their local divorce court if husbands and wives felt truly (and consistently) appreciated.
5.Spiritual Maturity
For me and what I personally expect, I'm saving the best for last. Intellect and wit are huge turn-ons for me, so I never really lacked in those departments with guys. But spiritual maturity? Don't. Get. Me. Started.
I must say that this one right here runs the gamut. I'd like someone who will pray with and for me without my prompting him to. I'd like someone who has such a strong relationship with the Most High that it's one of his most attractive qualities. I'd like someone who finds his spiritual growth and development to be more important than how successful he becomes or how much money he makes. I'd like someone who is intentional about avoiding the people, places, things, and ideas that would tamper with his spirit, my spirit. or our union.
There's one more thing. I adore the Hebrew language and the Hebrew word for spirit is "ru'ach." It means "wind." Wind is air that naturally blows in a horizontal direction. Here comes the wind beneath my wings reference again. I want the kind of man who, due to how mature he is in his spirituality, I can directly attribute his presence and influence to my going to new heights in every area of my own world.
At this stage of my life, I am so serious about my spirituality that I don't just want it—I expect it.
Again, I've seen so many marriages lack in these five areas, that I really do believe these are things that all of us should expect. But even if you don't, I unapologetically do.
It takes a rare and special man to be empathetic and proactive and supportive of my purpose and appreciative and spiritually mature. I desire a rare and special marriage. I can wait. It'll be worth it.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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On her debut album,CTRL,SZA crooned about her desire to be a “Normal Girl.” Now, nearly eight years since its release, her Not Beauty line represents her commitment to existing outside of traditional beauty norms.
The singer whose real name is Solána Imani Rowe first teased the idea of a lip gloss line during Super Bowl LIX in February, noting that the release would be happening “very shortly.” Not Beauty debuted simultaneously with the Grand National Tour, which she co-headlines with Kendrick Lamar, in Minneapolis on April 19.
Each Not Beauty pop-up would offer fans the opportunity to purchase the glosses, learn more about the brand, and have the opportunity to meet the superstar in the flesh regardless of their ticket status.
During the Los Angeles tour stop, which spanned three dates on May 21, May 23, with the finale on May 24, xoNecole had the opportunity to test out the glosses included in this soft launch, as SZA revealed in a statement that "this is just the start of other lip products, including plans to launch stains, liners, and creams all inspired by SZA's “infamous layered lip combinations.”
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So, what is included in the first Not Beauty launch?
The current Not Beauty products available are lip glosses that come in three shades: In the Flesh, Strawberry Jelly, and Quartz.
During my visit to the first LA Not Beauty pop-up activation, I not only had the chance to purchase all three glosses but also took a peek inside the blow-up log tent. Inside, fans got to experience SZA’s love for nature and her fascination with bugs, which are prominently featured in her performances for this tour. At one point, she even had human preying mantis prancing across the stage y'all.
There were blow-up photos of the beauty that is SZA for fans (myself included) to take photos, but in wooden-like tree trunks were a deeper dive into some of the ingredients featured in her products and their benefits.
For example, the glosses feature Hi-Shine Lip Jelly and Shea Butter as key ingredients and some of the listed benefits included are:
- Shea Butter - “A powerhouse ingredient, offering both functional and nourishing benefits.”
- Hi-Shine Lip Jelly (featured in the In the Flesh shade) - “Formula glides on with perfect adhesion to the lips without stickiness).
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What are in the products?
Featured in an orange package, with images of a bug and flower on the side, the back of the box reads: “It’s NOT BEAUTY, it just works. Developed by Solána “SZA” Rowe.
As someone who never leaves home without a good lip gloss, I loved how compact the wood panel packaging is. Perfect to slip into my purse, or in the case of the show at SoFi Stadium, into my pocket when I’m not carrying a bag.
Because I’m a sucker for a good black and brown lip liner and clear gloss combo, I decided to wear the Quartz flavor on night one of the Grand National Tour LA stop, and it did not disappoint. I’ll admit, it’s light weight feel made me nervous because it felt like there was nothing on my lips. However, when I checked my lips in my compact mirror several times throughout the night, I was shocked to find that my gloss was still intact. I only reapplied once out of the habit of looking cute and applying my gloss, but not necessity.
Here are some of the ingredients featured, but not limited to, in the Quartz flavor.
- Polyisoubutene
- Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea)Butter
- Ricinus Communis (Castor) Seed Oil
- Mentha Piperita (Peppermint) Oil
- Tocopherol
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Lip prep
I’m a simple girl who loves to stay true to her roots. So ahead of the show, I stopped by a local Inglewood Beauty Supply store and grabbed a Black and Brown shade lip pencil for just under $2 a piece.
Shading the outline of my lips with the black pencil first, I used the brown to lightly fill the inside of my lips before applying my Quartz Not Beauty shade gloss.
How to apply
There’s truly no right or wrong way to apply lip gloss (in my opinion), with this being a brush applicator sort of product, I simply untwisted the top and swiped the gloss around my top and bottom lip generously.
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Results
Again, my Not Beauty Quartz product stayed on my lips from the start of the show, which began with a fire DJ set from LA’s very own, Mustard, to the conclusion when Kendrick and SZA reunited on stage to send us home to their duet, “luther,” featured on the rapper's GNX album.
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Remember When Brandy Said 'Almost Doesn't Count'? Here's What That Means.
Listen, although I pride myself in knowing quite a bit of random information (I get it from my Daddy), if there is one thing that I really don’t play about (and could easily win a ton of money as a contestant in a trivia game), it’s 90s R&B. And when it comes to that topic, if there are three women who I will forever stand 10 toes down on when it comes to them having some of the best vocal arrangements ever, it’s Faith Evans (a fellow Gemini), Missy Elliott and Brandy. Don’t play…don’t ever freakin’ play about them.
When it comes to Brandy, specifically, there is a song title that I find myself saying in some of my sessions, far more often than I ever thought I would — almost doesn’t count.
Chile, that song is so brilliantly written that I once shouted it out in a podcast that I did with a dear friend of mine a few years back (you can check it out here if you want to): “I can't keep on loving you one foot outside the door/I hear a funny hesitation of a heart that's never really sure/Can't keep on tryin' if you're looking for more/Than all that I could give you, than what you came here for.”
Won’t it preach? “Almost” when it comes to romantic dynamics? It’ll have you out here feeling like you’re in some straight-up purgatory because, when you’re not really sure where things stand with someone and/or things feel like a perpetual game of hot-and-cold, you never really know what you should do — and that can have you in a very uncomfortable mental limbo or feeling like you’re in some emotional version of the throwback game Twister.
Today, though, we’re going to discuss “almost doesn’t count” from a broader perspective. I want to explore what happens when you’re in ANY DYNAMIC where it feels like you’re in a state of almost — and what you should do about it if that is indeed the case.
I’ve added Brandy’s jam for you at the top of all of this. Feel free to play it as your background music as we finally figure out what to do with the “almost ish” that is (currently) in your life.
Almost. Revisited.
Y’all, I am so sick of people allowing social media to redefine words.
For instance, just because something didn’t work out with a guy, that doesn’t automatically make him a narcissist (check out “You Could Be Turning Into A Narcissist...And You Don't Even Know It,” “What If It's Your Parents Who Happen To Be The Narcissists?” and “3 Warning Signs You're In Love With A Narcissist”) and just because someone doesn’t “gel” with you, that doesn’t mean that they are toxic (check out “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life” and “7 Signs You Have A Toxic Relationship...With Yourself”) — and while we’re here, just because you hear the same online opinion dozens of times a day, that doesn’t make it a fact. Google is our friend. Open up browsers to fact-check things. It’s a wise move and well worth your time.
Okay, so in order to build the foundation of this piece, let’s look at what almost means (even though I’m sure that you basically know):
Almost: very nearly; all but
Synonyms: approximately, essentially, most, relatively, practically, virtually, about
It is a very wise man who once said that “The worst lies are 99 percent true” — and that is what’s so wild about almost: It can be so close to being something that you will think that it is that thing…when it actually…isn’t. You can literally have close to 99 percent of everything that you needed, wanted or required and that missing one percent can still totally jack you up out here.
A good example? A condom. If you go to pretty much any health-related website, it will say something along the lines that — eh hem — when used perfectly, condoms are somewhere around 98 percent effective. And yet, while I do tend to roll my eyes whenever folks (in general) end up pregnant and shocked, all the while claiming to have used them (because I also know that only one-third of men and one-fourth of women use condoms and even they don’t consistently), I am aware that there are some people who are being completely honest: they used them, each and every time, correctly, and still…a positive pregnancy test result. And that’s because condoms are ALMOST totally reliable. Not totally, though.
Or a white lie. Oh, those are the “best” and most damning ones because they have so much truth to them that the deceptive part is super subtle. Hmph. It makes me think of a rather young South Korean artist (in her 20s) by the name of Dahyun. She once said, “When you love someone, or when someone is special to you, there are situations where little white lies are necessary.” Yeah, that makes me think of a quote by an author named T.J. Klune; he once said, “I lied to you because I thought it’d be easier for you, but I was really just trying to make it easier for me” — and he’s exactly right.
One of the greatest lies anyone can tell is that they are lying to protect or help another individual. More times than not, it’s a form of cowardice, because people don’t want to deal with the accountability (or even possible fallout) from telling the truth. Proof of this is a white lie: enough truth to cleverly hide the deceptive or omitted part(s).
Yeah, that’s what can trip you up about being involved in things that are “almost” what you are looking for or expecting: they can be so close to being on the mark that you let your guard down to the point where they can actually end up catching you off guard in some pretty profound ways.
The Difference Between ALMOST and POTENTIAL
Before we go even deeper, I do think that it’s important to explain the difference between almost and potential because, although they might seem like the same thing, they actually aren’t.
Say that you are working at a company where there is plenty of room for growth and promotion; that is potential. Potential is about possibility and capability. Sure, it may not have happened yet; however, you see plenty of signs that it really could. Okay, but after working there for two years and running circles around many of your co-workers with your performance, you keep getting passed over for other positions — and that is when almost comes into play.
What has you trying so hard is the POTENTIAL of what could be. What has you disappointed is things keep ALMOST happening — almost yet nothing more.
Let’s do relationships. Personally, I think it is hella arrogant and a bit delusional to say, “I don’t date for potential.” Umm, everyone out here is potential-in-progress, so are you saying that you want people to grant enough patience to allow you to keep evolving and transforming when you won’t extend the same grace their way? Gimme a break. There is nothing wrong with seeing someone’s potential and wanting to have a front seat in their life in order to encourage and support it. The issue comes in when they keep “almost” getting there without ever actually hitting their goals — and the reason why that’s problematic is…what is keeping you stuck at “almost”?
Example. Say that you’ve been exclusively dating someone for 15 months. You get along well, your family members and friends like you together and you seem to have similar life values and ambitions. Thing is, you want to get married within the year and he says that he wants to have a certain amount of money saved up before jumping the broom. The POTENTIAL of you becoming his wife is if you notice that he really is stacking paper. You ALMOST marrying him is when you factor in all of the other stuff that I said and yet his money is still funny (because he’s misspending, not saving or he’s simply not prioritizing like he said that he would).
Do you see the difference between what potential and almost look like and why “almost” can be so much more mentally draining and emotionally dangerous? “Almost” can — and oftentimes will — have you wasting precious time because it can deceive you with a feeling of “someday.” And that’s because things are so close to becoming a reality and yet, they never end up coming into full fruition.
And that, my friend, is why Brandy’s song is right on the money — at the end of the day, “almost doesn’t count” because, if you keep experiencing “most” or “practically” or “very nearly” of something or even someone and yet what is required for that something to actually become all of what you desire never manifests…what that ultimately boils down to is it — whatever “it” is — is really not much of anything at all.
It’s basically like what a playwright by the name of Nikita Gill once penned: “The saddest word in the whole wide world is the word 'almost'. He was almost in love. She was almost good for him. He almost stopped her. She almost waited. He almost lived. They almost made it.” It’s like…if it almost happened yet didn’t…why does the almost really even matter (much)?
At the end of the day, when it’s all said and done, other than (hopefully) the lessons learned…it…doesn’t.
Someone Who “Almosts” You? That Is a Conscious Decision.
And here’s the wild thing about the person who “almosts” you — nine times out of 10, they know exactly what they are doing. The boss who almost promotes you and yet doesn’t…over and over again? You think they don’t have a self-serving strategy (or is it stratagem?) in that? The boyfriend who almost proposes (tells you that he wants to marry you while months to years later, he doesn’t do anything to prove that) and yet never does? You think he’s not aware of what’s going on? Oh, take it from me — the “almost folks” like being that way.
Why? I mean, think about it: If you are giving someone just enough for you to get what you need out of them without giving them all of what they want in the process, why not keep them in the cycle of “almost”? Let’s circle back to Brandy’s chorus to further illustrate the point:
I can't keep on loving you one foot outside the door
I hear a funny hesitation of a heart that's never really sure
Can't keep on tryin' if you're looking for more
Than all that I could give you, than what you came here for
Look at what she was doing: she kept on trying while he kept on hesitating. And what this basically means is she was mistaking almost for potential. And you know what? He was letting her because he was benefitting from all of her trying and, although she was getting something in return (maybe even 99 percent of what she was looking for), his hesitation was causing her to see that something isn’t everything…and everything is what she deserved — and still, he chose not to do that.
HE CHOSE NOT TO DO THAT. He chose to remain in the relational purgatory of “almost” because he didn’t want to be “all in.” He was right where he wanted to be and if that kept her uncomfortable…so be it.
See how ugly, self-serving and manipulative “almost” can be?
Do you see why we need to stop romanticizing it because it really shouldn’t count?
What Should the Shelf Life of Almost Be?
So, final question with this: When it comes to the “almost” areas of your life, how long should you allow them to last? Honestly, I think the answer to that lies in the definitions of the word “almost.” You see, the reason why most of us even notice that we have an “almost situation” going on is because there is a need (sometimes a want) that is going unmet to the point where we aren’t satisfied. And since one definition of almost is “all but” — what is the ALL and then what is the BUT?
Once you figure that out, it’s time to address the “but” part with the individual who isn’t providing it — and honestly, not just their response (words) but their reaction (actions) will let you know what the shelf life of the almost needs to be.
Case in point: When it comes to some of the couples who I work with, sometimes one of the partners goes through a significant change and they want their spouse to quickly adapt to that fact. Usually, the change within wasn’t instantaneous, and so, I share that it’s unfair to expect that to happen immediately; usually, a fair amount of time should be allotted. The relationship is ALL good in every area BUT where the evolution is transpiring. If the spouse’s response is, “Give me a minute to get used to this new you,” the partner should. The spouse is almost where they can accept matters. They just need a bit more time for the almost to turn into “I’m good now.”
However…say that you have a friend who you like and enjoy just about everything about them. The challenge is the fact that they want you to be on-call for their issues and gripes and yet, whenever you need them to do the same thing for you, they are more unavailable than not. Not only that but, whenever you bring it up, although they acknowledge your point, time and time again, nothing ever changes; you still pick up their calls at 11 p.m. while you are still leaving voicemails when you reach out their way. If that is indeed the case, that makes me think of an Instagram post that I recently watched that is underneath this last point. In it, the content creator says, “It’s so important to know where people go. Your feelings will be less hurt.”
And along these same lines, it’s important to know an “almost” when you see it. Isn’t it interesting that one definition of almost is “all but” and to that, I think most of us have heard that whenever you use “but” in a sentence, it negates pretty much everything that you said before it. Chile, if someone is doing all BUT and the BUT is a really big deal to you…does the “all” really “scratch your itches” like you need them to? And again, if they are refusing the “but” (and the “but” is realistic, by the way), isn’t that saying a lot about how they see you and y’all’s dynamic? I would certainly think so.
So, how long should the shelf life of an almost be? Long enough to articulate your needs, for the person to hear them, and then make adjustments. If no adjustments are made…almost is probably where things are going to remain — what you choose to do about that is on YOU not THEM. How long you take speaks to how much you value…yourself.
All this from the word “almost”? Yep. You can thank Brandy for that. LOL.
You deserve to get and have what you need. If you’re almost getting it, remember what Brandy said: When it’s all said and done, sis…almost doesn’t count.
A white lie will tell you it does.
The truth has just revealed — otherwise.
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