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Some Highly Overlooked Qualities You Should Look For In Your Future Husband
Recently, while I was being interviewed on the topic of relationships, someone asked me if it bothered me to be my age and still single. You know what's interesting? When I was in my late 20s with a boyfriend who hadn't yet proposed, I was bothered. During points in my 30s when I wasn't sure if I wanted to birth kids or not, I was bothered. Now? Absolutely not.
It's no secret that I haven't had sex since I was (whew) 32 and that I'll be 45 soon. One of the things this time of abstinence has done for me is helped me to purge the personalities that came with the people I slept with out of my system (oxytocin is the ultimate super glue, y'all!).
Something else it did was help me get to know who I am sans the preoccupation of being in a relationship. For the first time since, probably ever, I'm very clear on who I am, what I have to offer, what I deserve, and also what I not only desire but expect from my future husband should I ever jump a broom someday.
The things on this list that I'm about to share with you? They're not your typical kinds of characteristics. They're more likeâŚthings that I overlooked in the past; things that, either the lack of them have turned out to be major issues in the marriages of couples I work with or they're things that, if they are not present, I already know I won't be fully satisfied with my own union someday.
They're things that go way beyond he's gotta look good, be good in bed, and a protector and provider. All of those are relevant but these right here are what will keep me in the game until death parts him and me.
5 Qualities To Look For In A Husband
1.Empathy
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I'm telling you, when you spend time looking within rather than out at other people (mainly men in this case), you can discover so much about yourself; things that will help you to really know when you've met the right one for you and your life.
Me? Something I discovered, not too long ago, is that I'm an empath. I feel thingsâŚdeeply. That's why I now get that I expect to be with an empathetic personâsomeone who is a good listener; someone who puts the needs of others before his own; someone who has natural leadership skills; someone who isn't desensitized to other people's painâŚsomeone who has a strong sense of discernment, doesn't mind spending time alone (because Lord knows I sometimes need it) and puts real effort into trying to see my perspective of things, whether we're debating politics or having an argument about money.
Empathetic people tend to be kind, sensitive, and fully present. I think A LOT of women underestimate how important this quality in a man really and truly is.
2.Proactiveness
LIS-TEN. I didn't put these in the order of importance, but if there is one quality that I didn't require in the past from pretty much any guy I had a relationship or situationship with but is now a total deal-breaker if it's lacking, it was this one. Rather than being proactive, most of the men in my life were reactive. You know what I'm talking aboutâthey tried to make up missing my birthday (reactive) or they'd do something thoughtful after I would bring up that I couldn't remember the last time that they had (reactive).
A reactive man can keep you on the hook for a while because if they go to extreme measures to fix things, you can feel like matters will improve. But the reason why this no longer works for me personally is because a proactive man is going to demonstrate that you're on his mind, that he wants to please you, and that you're so much of a priority that he doesn't need your help (reminders included) to show you just how much you mean to him. He's gonna be thoughtful and on top of things all on his own.
Proactiveness is a superpower and sexy as all get out. Chile, chileâŚCHILE.
3.Purpose Support
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Something that I make sure to bring up in premarital counseling sessions with couples is that it's important that their purposes complement one another. I'm not saying that they should be the same; I'm saying that they should work together in a way where both are giving the space and support to truly thrive.
A woman who wants a man with a set 9-to-5 schedule doesn't need to marry an entertainer (trust me, their schedules are all over the place; their income tends to be too). A man who wants a traditional housewife needs to think long and hard about being with an entrepreneur (her ambition may clash with his expectations).
So many peopleâpeople who truly love one anotherâend up straight-up resenting each other, all because they feel like their partner is not (pardon the corniness, but it's the first thing that came to mind) the wind beneath their wings but a huge stumbling block.
Mark Twain once said, "The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why." My husband needs to celebrate my birthday and support my purpose. Both are non-negotiable. Your husband should do the same. Because if you're married but because of the obstacles from your husband, you're unable to soar in the very lane of why God put you here in the first placeâŚwhat kind of marriage is that?!
4.âAppreciation
I don't know about you, but I love hard and I give a lot. I don't have to think about it, it's just who I am. But in the past, rarely did I feel truly appreciated for my efforts. I allowed both men and women to manipulate me into thinking that expecting such a thing meant that my motives for giving were wrong in the first place.
Whatever. Someone who benefits in a relationship who doesn't express gratitude is rude. And if you let them get away with it for too long, that can transfer over into them having a sense of entitlement when it comes to your time, resources, effort, and everything else.
Appreciative people say "thank you." Appreciative people let you know that you matter to them. Appreciative people aren't comfortable with one-sided relationships (they are all about reciprocity). Appreciative people are generous.
I can only imagine how many marriages would avoid their local divorce court if husbands and wives felt truly (and consistently) appreciated.
5.Spiritual Maturity
For me and what I personally expect, I'm saving the best for last. Intellect and wit are huge turn-ons for me, so I never really lacked in those departments with guys. But spiritual maturity? Don't. Get. Me. Started.
I must say that this one right here runs the gamut. I'd like someone who will pray with and for me without my prompting him to. I'd like someone who has such a strong relationship with the Most High that it's one of his most attractive qualities. I'd like someone who finds his spiritual growth and development to be more important than how successful he becomes or how much money he makes. I'd like someone who is intentional about avoiding the people, places, things, and ideas that would tamper with his spirit, my spirit. or our union.
There's one more thing. I adore the Hebrew language and the Hebrew word for spirit is "ru'ach." It means "wind." Wind is air that naturally blows in a horizontal direction. Here comes the wind beneath my wings reference again. I want the kind of man who, due to how mature he is in his spirituality, I can directly attribute his presence and influence to my going to new heights in every area of my own world.
At this stage of my life, I am so serious about my spirituality that I don't just want itâI expect it.
Again, I've seen so many marriages lack in these five areas, that I really do believe these are things that all of us should expect. But even if you don't, I unapologetically do.
It takes a rare and special man to be empathetic and proactive and supportive of my purpose and appreciative and spiritually mature. I desire a rare and special marriage. I can wait. It'll be worth it.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In ShamblesÂ
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his fatherâa topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a âfamily radical healing coach,â played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapistâs eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesnât go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest â his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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These Tips Will Keep Foreplay From Becoming Boring AF (No Pun Intended)
As a writer, I happen to like quotes A LOT. When it comes to the topic of sex, specifically, there used to be a page on Twitter (itâs always gonna be Twitter to me, chile) calledKinky Quotes that I would enjoy checking out from time to time. The reason why is it was good forshowcasing content like âForeplay. Donât rush it. Enjoy it.â
INDEED.
Okay, but what if youâve been in a relationship for a while now, and although the foreplay is still pretty good, the real issue is that itâs also become a bit, well, boring? What do you do? First, donât overthink it; youâre not in a position that is strange, rare, or anything to be overly concerned about. Second, there are a few things that you and your partner can do to bring a bit more spice back into the foreplay aspect of your sex life.
1. Build Up Anticipation
Iâve been working with long-term couples for a really long time now â and if thereâs one thing that can tank the sex life of people whoâve been having sex for years, itâs not doing what builds up anticipation. At the end of the day, anticipation is all about giving your partner something to look forward to. Sexting does this. Sending your partner an email with a hotel reservation or some out-of-the-blue sexcation plans does this. Calling them to share something that you want to check off of your sex-themed bucket list does this.
Pretty much doing anything that lets them know that you want them to get into the headspace of getting super excited about what you have in store for them, on the sexual tip â that is some of the best foreplay that there is, yâall. So, whenâs the last time that you gave your man a preview of what is to come? HmmâŚ
2. Get Creative with Your Nudity
Unfortunately, our culture can be soâŚimbalanced (letâs go with that word) when it comes to sex that many people think itâs impossible to engage in intimacy with someone for years (even decades) on end and still find it to be an absolutely wonderful and fulfilling experience. Meanwhile, there areplenty of studies to support that sex actually gets better, the longer that you are with someone (one study says that itâs around the 15-year mark when things really start to soar!). The thing that you should avoid is falling into a rut â being lazy about intimacy, looking crazy while going to bed (yâall know what I am talking about), and not âdressing upâ the gift sometimes.
I canât tell you how many husbands I have worked with who have told me that they never get tired of their wifeâs body (likeâŚever); what they do get sick of is no lingerie or creativity when it comes to her âsexual presentation.â Date night with no drawers on. Watching television in a sheer baby doll get-up. Celebrating a goal that heâs reached with nothing but a bow on when you come to bed. You get what I mean, right? He chose you. He wants you. Get creative with your body when it comes to intimacy sometimes, though. That way, heâll never see you coming (wellâŚuntilâŚyou know. LOL!).
3. Leave Touch Out of It (Initially)
While once reading an article on Bustleâs site about where the term âblow jobâ came from (itâs a semi-long explanation; you can check it outhere), thereâs a sentence that says, âThe roots of the term âblow jobâ began a bit earlier than this, however â in the 17th century, to be exact, when to âblowâ meant to bring someone to orgasm.â One definition of blow speaks to what we do with our breath whether itâs whistling, breathing hard, or creating a steady stream of air out of our mouth.
If you do this on your partnerâs erogenous zones, it can provide a very flirty yet arousing level of stimulation to where they will want you to touch them as soon as possible. Oh, and if you add some dirty words into the mix, they will damn near be ready to climax the moment even your finger touches their body. Hey, try it. Iâm absolutely not exaggerating.
4. Kiss EverywhereâŚBUT the Mouth (Again, Initially)
Even though some people donât like to kiss (check out âUmm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?â), the rest of us? We want it as much as possible! There isa scientific reason for why that is the case too. When you kiss someone (especially in the mouth), it releases feel-good and bonding hormones and chemicals including dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin; not to mention the fact that it can also help to reduce stress. And while kissing does feel absolutely amazing, remember that the focus here is to âpregameâ stimulation.
So, if you really want to get your man riled up, avoid his mouth (at first) and even his penis and opt for turn-on spots instead.The wetness of your mouth, the softness of your lips, and the texture of your tongue along his neck, around his ears or gently grazing his back? Girl, Iâm getting a little hot ân bothered just talking â well, writing â about it.
5. Stay Out of the Bed
If there are two things that couples can find themselves getting really lazy about (if theyâre not careful), itâs when they have sex and where. As far as the âwhenâ goes,although reportedly, guys tend to prefer it in the morning (I mean, morning woodâŚmakes sense) and women do late at night, most couples will admit that there is usually a time when they have it the most (especially if theyâve got young children â check out âHow To Make Sex Easier (& More Fun) When You've Got Kidsâ) as a way of âmeeting in the middle.â For example, if for you and your man,thatâs 10 p.m. and itâs pretty much that way, every time, that can get to become boring, simply because no anticipation is necessary; you know whatâs coming.
Same thing goes for always having sex in the bed. Even though itâs comfortable and accommodating to most sex positions, trying other places (at least for foreplay) can cultivate a feeling of newness and excitement. Whether itâs on the kitchen floor, in your car (when itâs in the garage), in the shower (check out âSo, This Is How To Make Shower Sex So Much Betterâ), in your closet (some people really like the closeness of it) or, what appears to be most folksâ favorite spot,the living room sofa (go figure, chile) â get out of the bed sometimes. The bed is comfy, no doubt. Itâs also predictable as hell.
6. Have a Foreplay Staycation
It honestly floors me, just how many married couples I know who either havenât taken a romantic vacation in years or (what in the world?!) havenât done it since their honeymoon. To that, Iâll just say this: there was once a study conducted of 2,000 couples. It was revealed that of those who felt like their relationship had lost its spark, 42 percent of them were able to get it back by spending some quality time together while taking a leisure trip (without the kids). To me, this makes all of the sense in the world because romantic vacations are designed to âget off of the gridâ and focus, solely, on you and your partnerâs needs.
So, if you are one of those couples who doesnât have a trip, just for you and your man, on the docket for some time this year, hereâs your sign that you need to figure something out â ASAP. And what if your money is tight? What should you do in the meantime? How about a foreplay staycation? Plan 24-48 hours where you and your man do nothing but kiss, lick, and touch without any penetration involved. Play sex games. Dance naked. Come up with (new) safe words. After a day or two of nothing but this, you will be ready to explode once itâs time to actually have sex with each other!
7. Play Your Own Version of âHot, Warm, Coldâ
Temperature play plays a solid role in sexual pleasure; thatâs why Iâve written articles like âHot Sex: 10 Super Sultry Reasons To Bring Wax Play Into Your Bedroomâ for the platform. Anyway, aside from the fact thatitâs pretty damn hilarious that 69 degrees is the ideal room temperature for intimacy (umm, if you catch my drift), a big part of the reason why playing around with hot, warm, and cold temps is so effective is because your nerves respond,sometimes drastically so, to variations in them.
I mean, when you stop to consider that there are8,000 nerves in a clitoris and 4,000 in a penis, imagine what some ice would do during oral sex. Or, how about heating up a sex toy thatâs made out of glass or metal in some boiling water, letting it cool just a bit, and running that up and down each otherâs erogenous zones? If you do this while being blindfolded, there really is no telling where the peak levels of stimulation could take you!
8. Focus on Upping the Ante on Your Partnerâs Stimulation (As They Do the Same for You)
Iâve already referenced the word âstimulationâ a few times. To stimulate is âto rouse to action or effort, as by encouragement or pressure; incite.â Some synonyms include arouse, inspire, spark, activate, energize, enflame, support, urge â and motivate (cue Kelly Rowlandâs song, "Motivation"). And so, keeping all of this in mind, when it comes to foreplay with your partner, how much effort do you put into stimulating him â into inspiring him, energizing him, motivating himâŚyes, sexually?
Something that I am a big-time believer of is, itâs hard to fall into a sexual rut, if the goal that BOTH PEOPLE have is to always outdo themselves, damn near every time that they come together. That said, how can you âout-inspireâ him with your compliments? How can you âout-energizeâ him with a creative meal thatâsfilled with aphrodisiacs? How can you âout-motivateâ him with some new ideas that youâve researched while you were at work?
When it comes to both foreplay and sex, âapplying pressureâ can be a ton of fun â when you see yourself as your own competition as far as taking your partner to new heights in the stimulation department.
9. Be Unpredictable
Unpredictable can go a lot of ways. In the context of what Iâm referring to, Iâm not talking about being fickle, erratic, and unreliable. Nah, what I mean is, be intentional about having a few tricks up your sleeve that your partner would never see coming.
An example of this comes from a song from a local legend here, Shannon Sanders (if you know, you know). He once wrote a song entitled âInterstateâ and the intro starts off with him saying, âWhat you doinâ? Not you. Didnât think you were the type.â Yeah, you can read between the lines (or click on the hyperlink to the title) to get what heâs talking about yet Iâm pretty sure that what made the experience, 50 times greater, is she did something that was outside of the norm. When it comes to foreplay and sex â that is typically the case. #wink
10. Switch the Energy Up
Foreplay can â and should â have different themes from time to time. One time, focus on being romantic (rose petals and toasting each other). Another time, lean into being kinky (where are your handcuffs and bondage rope?). Still, another time, discuss a fantasy that you each want to fulfill. Then play dress-up as you role play. Record (the audio) of yourselves having sex one day; then play it another day â during foreplay.
Spoon naked and talk about all of the things that you adore about each otherâs bodies. Get some oral sex dice (like thesehere) and see where throwing the dice will take you. Yâall, energy is such a big part of foreplay and sex, and the more you master switching it up, the more you and your partner will look forward to coming â and cumming â together for years to come. No doubt about it, sis.
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