

Back when I was in the process of getting my letters in life coaching, something that I spent a good amount of time on is empaths. When it comes to words that are used in the mental health space, it’s kind of interesting that there are two things that I, surprisingly, find narcissists and empaths to have in common.
For one thing, while many people have narcissistic and empath-related traits, far less folks are actually narcissists (meaning they havethe disorder) or are full-on empaths. And two, oftentimes, those two types of people are actuallydrawn to one another. While it’s kind of another article for another time how/why, for the sake of this article, empaths tend to want to help narcissists, and narcissists like to take that help for granted to the nth degree. That’s actually how a lot of folks with narcissistic tendencies and individuals with empathic traits end up being friends…or rather “friends.”
So, is that what we’re gonna talk about today? Eh. Not specifically. This is more about the fact that, as we get older and live and learn a little longer, you start to realize that “friend” is not a simple word and oftentimes we can struggle in our relationships with people because we don’t know enough about ourselves (and/or others) to figure out how to keep the connection healthy and mutually beneficial. An example of that is if you are indeed an empath and you’re trying to navigate through your relationships with people who aren’t or even…are.
Let’s explore that today. If you’re someone who has always wondered why you sometimes have challenges in your friendships that others do not seem to, it might just be that you’re what I call a “friend empath.” Read on to see if that is indeed the case.
Being An Empath. Revisited.
Before getting into what it means to be an empath, let me just say that back when I discovered that I was an ambivert and I started to share the signs of one with other people, it was funny how so many folks who had never even heard of the word before suddenly said, “Yeah, I’m one too then.” Umm, that’s not exactly how it works. LOL. If you really want to discover things like that about yourself, it’s always a good idea to take an actual test. So, if you’re curious to know if you are a true empath (and not just someone who has some of the characteristics because most of us fall under that category), you can take a free testhere,here, andhere (you can also get an “official” assessment with a reputable mental health provider).
And what exactly is an empath? Probably one of the easiest and simplest ways to explain it isan empath is someone who is able to sense, feel, and understand what others do in a way that is very profound. A fictional character who immediately comes to mind isMay from the movie A Secret Life of Bees. If you saw the movie, you might recall that she would write her feelings down on a piece of paper, put them into a stone wall, and grieve. She did this so much to the point that one day, she couldn’t take the burdens of her feelings any longer, and she took her own life.
Being an empath definitely doesn’t mean that life has to be that heavy or grim; however, a common trait for pretty much all empaths is they are very sensitive, and that can make discourse in friendships and also the ending of friendships so much harder for them to deal with than anyone else.
For an empath, it’s almost like they take on the life of their friends and, should things come to an end, the heartbreak of it all, on some level, can seem to last for years — if not, on some level, forever. That’s oftentimes why many empaths prefer to only deal intimately with very few people; it’s literally all that their heart can take.
If all of what I just said actually resonates with you, yet you want to know some telling signs that you could very well be a friend empath (or one of your friends is a friend empath), here are six traits to pay very close attention to.
6 Telling Signs You Are A Friend Empath
1. You Tend to “Absorb” Other People’s Emotions
If you’re a Christian and you’ve never taken a spiritual gifts test before (I Corinthians 12), I recommend that you do (a pretty thorough one can be accessedhere). Long story short, it helps you to understand some of the supernatural abilities that you have that help to edify the Church. The way that most people who specialize in spiritual gifts say that you should really focus on the results is the top three high scores (even if they are five or six different things); those are what you are the strongest in.
Anyway, if one of them happens to be faith, think about how you handle a lot of bad news or a ton of intel about a person or situation. If you prefer to limit your participation, you also may be an empath and not even know it. How did I come to that conclusion? It’s because I know several people with that gift, and all of them say that when they receive too much information, it weighs down their spirit, affects their ability to pray, and can even make them very sad. I think a big part of it is because in order to have faith, you’ve got to believe in things, and in order to believe, you oftentimes need to have some level of sympathy, compassion, and empathy — and if you get too involved, at the very least, it can become emotionally overwhelming to the point that what other people have going on could very well consume you.
With all this being said, think about when your friends call to vent something. Are you present for the call and then when you hang up, it’s easy for you to go on about your day — or does it affect you to the point where you feel stressed out on some level? Almost as if you are now going through the experience with them — or, on some level, even “for” them?
2. You Typically Get Your Feelings Hurt Rather Easily
I have a few bona fide empaths in my life, and in order to be a better friend to them, something that I’ve had to learn to do is be more sensitive to their feelings because, sometimes, they can almost come across as being super fragile. It makes sense because, on the heels of what I just said about how empaths take on other people’s emotions, there’s no way that they would be able to do that if they didn’t feel things very intensely within themselves, too.
For instance, something that I have to do with empaths is be more cognizant of my delivery and tone because they are almost hypersensitive to both.
For a true empath, the saying, “It’s not what you say but how you say it,” definitely resonates because when you’re in the process of communicating with them, it’s almost like all five of their senses (touch, taste, hearing, sound, sight) are involved. This means that if your body language seems off, they are going to notice. If you raise your voice to make a point, they might feel low-key attacked. If you say something flippantly because you’re irritated, they may take it up a few more notches and assume that you are angry.
Can all of this boil down to sometimes feeling like you’re walking on eggshells when you’re dealing with an empath? Quite frankly, yes. However, what makes it worth your while is the fact that the level of sensitivity that an empath will bring to you in your time of experiencing say, a death or a break-up, is incomparable. They aren’t casual or nonchalant by any stretch. They see your pain, feel your pain, and want to be very mindful and present with you in it.
And so, if getting that means that you have to be a little extra cautious with their feelings sometimes…so be it (although empaths, it’s also wise to let people know when you’re feeling a little “tender;” it’s not fair to expect others to assume since not everyone is an empath like you are).
3. You Are Prone to Do Most of the Giving
Now, if there is one thing that I can totally relate with a true empath on is doing most of the giving in relationships; at least, that’s how my world used to be back in the day. Because empaths are highly compassionate (which basically means that they see suffering and want to do all that they can to alleviate it), they have a tendency to go above and beyond to help others out. In fact, it’s pretty common for empaths to end up caring about and doing more for a person’s problems than the person themselves, whether the individual asked them to or not.
For empaths, they can’t see being any other way because if someone has a need, they are typically hyper-focused on meeting it.
Here's the real catcher: even if they are this way with friends who show reciprocity, they are almost always going to “outdo” them because empaths don’t always know balance. If one of their friends needs rent money, they might overlook their own bills to pay it. After a while, that can make their friends feel uncomfortable or even guilty because while they appreciate the empath’s efforts, that doesn’t mean that they think they should respond in the same over-the-top ways.
And don’t even get me started on the folks who take more than they give in the friendship. For them, empaths are like a walking ATM because they know that if anyone will take their sob stories to heart, their empathetic friend will — and if it means that the empath has to go without in order for their own needs to be met…so be it.
This brings me to something else about friend empaths: energy vampires will try to emotionally eat them alive.
4. Energy Vampires Are Drawn to You
Empaths are very sensitive to energy — not just when it comes to people, either. In fact, another trait that is pretty common for empaths, in general, is they like to spend time in nature because it has a way of calming, centering, and replenishing them (so if you are friends with an empath and you want to show them how much you appreciate them, planning some sort of get-together in nature is oftentimes a wise choice). And because energy means a lot to them, energy vampires are always on the hunt for them.
What exactly is an energy vampire? The simple way to explain them is they are the type of people who are extremely draining to be around; some might even go so far as to define them as being toxic individuals. Why? Because of the things that they do.
Energy vampires are known to not take accountability for their actions. Energy vampires will play the victim a lot. Energy vampires might act as if they like you to your face; however, behind your back, they are either jealous of or competing with you (whether you realize it or not). Energy vampires constantly need attention. Energy vampires are always in some sort of drama. Energy vampires make mountains out of molehills. Energy vampires bring you down.
And you know what? I’m pretty sure that after all of what I just said about empaths, you can get why these types of people like empaths because if anyone is going to have tolerance for their “extra-ness,” it’s going to be an empath. And that’s why empaths have to be intentional about setting boundaries with these types of individuals.
In fact, because energy vampires can be a bit of a weakness for empaths, they might have to be a little more extreme than others and avoid being friends with these types of people altogether since saying “no” isn’t typically their strong suit.
5. You Can “Ghost” Folks
Charge it to what I do for a living (communicate…A LOT), yet if there is one thing that irks me to absolutely no end, it’s ghosting. Personally, I find it to be selfish, cowardly, and relationally irresponsible. Folks in my world know that if you want a line to be drawn, oh so very clearly in the sand with me, get ghost.
Interestingly enough, this is a common characteristic for a lot of empaths — although it’s usually not for malicious reasons. Because they care on such a deep level, sometimes their own feelings for others can overwhelm them; when that happens, what they tend to do is retreat, oftentimes without saying anything at all.
If you read that and are nodding your head up and down, let me just say that while other empaths may give you an automatic pass on this, people like me will not. It’s so much more effective — even if it’s via a text, email, or voicemail — to convey that you’re feeling a certain way and need some time to yourself than to abandon the friendship altogether and then expect someone to be fine with that and to pick up, just where the two of you left off, later on (whenever that later may be because…who knows?).
Yeah, as much as empaths may feel other people, they aren’t always or necessarily the clearest communicators on the planet. That’s something that can make being friends or in a romantic relationship with one hella challenging (at times).
6. Intimacy May Overwhelm You Sometimes
Last one. At the end of the day, intimacy is simply experiencing some level of closeness with other individuals, whether it’s mental, emotional, spiritual, or sexual. And again, because empaths feel so deeply, intimacy might be an internal struggle sometimes.
For instance, while they might be ready and willing to hear all of your problems, it could feel like pulling teeth to get them to do the same. Why? Because it’s natural for empaths to take on other people’s stuff, yet they oftentimes are “afraid” of the vulnerability that comes from sharing their own feelings, thoughts, and needs with other people. Why? Because if someone disappoints them, an empath may wonder if they will fully recover from it — and so, rather than take the risk, they keep (certain) things bottled up inside.
This is actually one of the reasons why I think it’s a good idea for engaged couples to take certain personality tests before saying “I do.” Imagine being married to an empath, not knowing it, and after a really heavy conversation or a very intense and intimate sexual experience, out of nowhere, they clam up on you. If you don’t know more about your partner’s personality traits, it can come off as out-of-nowhere rejection; if you’re aware that they are an empath, some extra tolerance and understanding will be easier to extend.
___
Was this a lot? I mean, in many ways, empaths are a lot. Still, if you know more about how they think and move, if you are one, that can make it easier for you to express what you need to others, and if you have a friend who is one, that can make it easier for you to understand how to be a good (and lasting) friend to them.
Author Dean Koontz once said, “Being an empath is like seeing with the soul.” And so yes, being a friend empath can be a true blessing — so long as all parties involved know how to handle it with care.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Delmaine Donson/Getty Images
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Luxury Hairstylist On Viral 'Hey Boo' Texts & Professionalism In The Hair Industry
As Black women, our hair is our crowning glory - whether we paid for it or not. We take pride in how we wear and take care of our hair. As with everything, hair care and hair styling have evolved over the years. Long gone are the days of Blue Magic (although I hear it’s making a comeback).
Now, we have a plethora of creams, oils, conditioners, shampoos, and stylists to choose from. Beyond wearing our natural curls, we have a range of options, from wigs and sew-ins to tape-ins, I-tips, and K-tips. So much choice! But you know what they say about too much of a good thing...
The Black hair industry has definitely blossomed in the last decade with a wave of new stylists and salons popping up all over the place. As much as I love that for us, many of these stylists have become the subjects of viral TikTok and Instagram tirades because of their alleged questionable behavior and bizarre rules.
Excessive policies, strange fees, long wait times, poor performance, and the infamous “Hey boo” texts. Beauty is pain, they say… xoNecole got to the root of these issues with luxury hair extensionist Dee Michelle, who’s been in the hair game for 20 years and runs a seven-figure business - all while being a mom of four.
Antonio Livingston
“I started my business with my career in the hair industry [at] very, very young age when I was maybe like eight...So, over the years, I've just built a very successful seven-figure business very quickly just by offering high-end services and creating great experiences for my clients, many of whom are high-profile professionals,” she said. “I'm also a mother of four, including a set of triplets, which inspires me daily to show what's possible with my hard work and focus.”
Dee’s business has gone viral on social media because of what many call outrageous prices for her invisible K-Tip installs.
“When I developed my invisible K-tip extensions technique, I made sure that it wasn't just about the hair or the style, but about providing a high-end experience from start to finish. So, my clients just aren't paying for the extensions or just the style itself, but they're investing into my meticulous, seamless craft and premium hair sourced from the best suppliers…I've spent so many hours mastering my craft, creating this seamless method that gives my clients long-lasting natural results, and my pricing just reflects that - the value of my expertise and the exclusivity of the service.”
The K-tip specialist stands on business when it comes to catering to her clients and giving them an experience worth the cost.
“And it's just important for me to also say that my clients are high-profile individuals who value quality, their privacy, and their time. They want a service that fits into their lifestyle and their time. They want things that deliver perfection. And I deliver that every single time.”
I’m sure we’ve all seen the various TikTok rants about people’s nightmare experiences with stylists and uttered a silent “FELT!” We asked Dee her opinion on a few nightmare scenarios that beg the response, “please be so forreal."
On stylists charging extra to wash clients’ hair:
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
On ‘deposits’ that don’t go towards the cost of the service:
“I think that's kind of weird, too, for deposits to not be like a part of the service. I've seen people have booking fees and I just don't understand it, to be honest. I disagree with that kind of policy…By all means, people should do what works for them, but to me, it doesn't make sense. Why does somebody have to pay a fee just to book an appointment with you? I don't get it. It feels like exploitation.”
On stylists charging extra to style (straighten/curl) wigs, sew-ins etc., after installing:
“I don't get it. Clients come to us to get their hair done, to get it styled. So why is it extra for you to style it? If you're going to charge extra, just increase your price. I feel like it could be just a lack of confidence in those stylists, feeling like people won't pay a certain price for certain things, or just their lack of professionalism as well, because people are coming to us to get styled.”
On the infamous “Hey boo” text stylists send to clients when they need to cancel/reschedule:
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
We know all too well what kinds of things will keep us from ever gracing certain hairstylists’ chairs with our butts again. So, what should hairstylists do to provide a good service to their clients? What is good hairstylist etiquette?
“For one, being on time is an important rule for stylist etiquette. It's just not okay to require your clients to be on time, and you're not on time. Also, communication. Being able to communicate clearly, respectfully, and professionally, whether that's in person, via text, or on social media. Style is etiquette. Appearance matters. So just maintaining a clean, polished, and professional look. Clients respect you more whenever your appearance reflects your work. There's just so many things, but another thing I would say is active listening. So, being able to pay close attention to what your client wants and also clarifying any questions that they might have. Just to ensure that they feel heard and to minimize any misunderstandings.”
Dee also shared some red flags to look out for when considering a new stylist.
“Even me as a client, if I'm booking somebody and they have a long list of rules, I don't even book with them. That's, for one, just such a huge turn-off. Also, stylists who have inconsistent or unclear pricing, that's a red flag. People who change their rates too much without an explanation. Poor communication. So, if a stylist is responding very slow or responding unprofessionally, or giving vague answers to questions, that can make clients question whether or not they are respecting their time and their needs.
Another red flag - an inconsistent or low quality portfolio. And I feel like, I see this a lot with stylists stealing other people's work, and their portfolio on social media is just very inconsistent.”
We couldn’t let Dee go without getting the tea on what styles she predicts will trend in 2025.
“I feel like people are going back to natural-looking styles. So, a lot of people are ditching the wigs, the lace fronts, things like that. People are still wearing them, of course, but it is becoming more of a trend to embrace your natural hair and something that's not looking too fake. That’s one thing that we're going to be seeing a lot. I would say a lot of layers are coming back, heavy layers. Those are becoming really, really trendy. And people are leaning more towards platinum-colored hair. I've been seeing lots of like blondes coming out. Also, jet black is always going to be a trend. But I would say more like natural colors, but natural colors that are still making a statement.”
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Antonio Livingston.
One of my favorite things to do is kiss. In fact, kissing is so important to me that I once stayed with someone longer than I should’ve, in part, because he was such a good kisser (to the point where I can confirm that “kissing orgasms” are a real thing) and I also once broke up with someone because he absolutely sucked at kissing (ugh). Kissing is sexy. Kissing is sensual. Kissing is intimate.
And science says that kissing can boost endorphin levels in your body; reduce feelings that are associated with stress and anxiety; elevate your immunity; help to lessen allergy-related symptoms; soothe headaches and period cramp discomfort; make you horny (yes, literally), and even decrease your chances of getting cavities.
Yes, kissing is a good thing. A really good thing.
Oh, but as someone who is turning out to be one of my favorite philosophers (Aristotle) once said, the excess of a virtue can indeed turn into a vice — and as far as kissing is concerned, that can prove itself to be true in a way that some may have thought was nothing more than an urban myth: getting STIs (sexually transmitted infections)/STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) from doing it.
Yep, if you heard somewhere that you can get an STI/STD from puckering up, there is indeed some truth to that, so please take a moment to read more about it. That way, you can finally separate fact from fiction.
Bottom Line, Yes…You Can. However, the Risks Are Relatively Low.
Honestly, if you let it sink in that a kiss that lasts for longer than 10 seconds will result in about 80 million bacteria being exchanged, that alone should cause it to make all of the sense in the world that a kiss isn’t something that should be taken as casually as a lot of people do. And although, when it comes to STIs/STDs, it is far easier to transmit them through penetrative or oral sex, the reality is that there are some that can you get via saliva or the mucous membranes that are in your mouth (although infected saliva that is on something like a sex toy makes your chances much lower because STIs/STDs tend to “deactivate” once they are exposed to the air).
And since “low probability” doesn’t mean “absolutely not,” I think we should look into which STIs/STDs could become an issue whenever you go in for a smooch vs. the ones that you don’t really have to concern yourself with at all.
The STIs/STDs That You CAN Get from Kissing
So, here’s the deal: If you happen to have a cut in your mouth or you’ve got a cold sore, that can significantly increase your chances of being exposed to an STI/STD if your partner happens to have one. Which ones am I speaking of specifically?
- Herpes (more specifically, HSV-1)
- Syphilis
- Cytomegalovirus (CMV)
- Human Papillomavirus (HPV)
Now something that’s important to keep in mind about three out of four of these (herpes, CMV, and HPV), is that, although they are very treatable, they currently don’t have a cure. As far as the one that does have one (syphilis), it’s important that it’s discovered and treated in its early stages; otherwise, it can lead to things like weight and hair loss, infertility and, if ignored for too long, it can even become life-threatening.
I don’t know about y’all but, to me, this all sounds like valid enough reasons to be cautious when it comes to who you share your mouth with.
The STIs/STDs That You CAN’T Get from Kissing
Okay, so what STIs/STDs does science say you don’t have to worry about when you’re kissing someone?
- Chlamydia
- Gonorrhea
- Hepatitis
- Trichomoniasis
- HIV
- Pelvic inflammatory disease (PID)
The reason why is because these are all things that are spread through oral, anal, or vaginal sex acts (however, they can oftentimes be asymptomatic, so if you are sexually active, please make sure to get tested no less than once a year). That said, if you do happen to have one of these STIs/STDs, please show courtesy and respect to your partner by letting them know — even if sex isn’t currently on the table for you.
Although research does indeed say that kissing doesn’t put them at risk, they still have the right to decide if they want to move forward with intimacy, of any kind, while these health-related issues are being treated.
5 Ways to Reduce Your Chances of Getting an STI/STD from Kissing
Okay, so now that you can confidently separate what you should actually know (and take to heart) from what you may have randomly heard that couldn’t be further from the truth, if you’re curious about what you can do to decrease your chances of getting an STI/STD from kissing, I’ve got a few tips:
Take kissing seriously. Grandma said don’t put your mouth everywhere and she’s right. In a world that continually tries to gaslight us into thinking that we can (and damn near should) just do whatever with whoever without consequence, as you can see, that’s simply not true — especially when you take into account how wild it is that most of the STIs/STDs that you can get from kissing don’t have a cure.
Moral to this story: Your mouth is as valuable as every other part of your body. It is a privilege to kiss it, so please act accordingly. Oh, and don’t be afraid to ask about people’s sexual health status before letting them put their tongue all up and in your mouth. You know what they say — an ounce of prevention is always gonna be worth a pound of cure (or treatment).
Practice intentional oral hygiene. Hopefully, brushing and flossing on a daily basis are a given. What I mean here is you should look for signs of cold sores, cuts, or lesions in your mouth (including a blister that you may get from a burned tongue) on a weekly basis. If any of these are evident in you or your partner, it’s best to wait to kiss (if you haven’t BOTH recently been tested).
Y’all be careful with all of the sexy biting. Speaking of open wounds (relatively speaking, anyway), although I once read that, according to the Kama Sutra, biting lips while kissing is a sign of strong desire and sexual arousal, it can also leave cuts that could make you more vulnerable to getting sick. So, on this one, enter with caution. Straight up.
Don’t kiss when you’re feeling under the weather. Mono, colds and the flu, COVID-19, stomach viruses — these are some of the other things that you and your partner can give to one another while exchanging a kiss. Since some of the symptoms that are related to these may mimic some that come from an STI/STD, it’s best to not kiss when you are sick — not until you can confirm what you have and (preferably) the symptoms have passed.
Get tested on a regular basis. The only way that you are going to know for sure that kissing is a low-risk behavior for you and your partner is if you both get tested. If you’d prefer to do it from the comfort, convenience, and privacy of your own home, there are STI/STD tests that you can have sent to you (like the ones here, here, and here). They aren’t necessarily the cheapest in the world, yet they are pretty darn accurate and can give you the peace of mind that you seek.
____
Listen, I am Team Kissing just as much as the next person. However, whenever I stop to think about all that goes on in a mouth, I thought it was important that you become aware as well. As I said earlier, a good kiss is pretty incomparable. Let’s all just make sure that we leave kisses better and not worse off after experiencing them — literally and figuratively.
Amen? I’m sayin’.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Vera Vita/Getty Images