
We all know that our health is important. What I’m not sure all of us are on the same page about, though, is just how important it is to stay up on signs that our hormone levels may be a little off.
For instance, were you aware of the fact that if your hair has gone through drastic changes in thickness or texture, you’re suddenly experiencing breakouts like you did during puberty, you’re feeling sluggish (with no real explanation why), out of nowhere, your muscles and/or joints are in pain or stiff; you’re always hungry and/or thirsty; you’ve been unsuccessful at conceiving a child after a year of consistently trying; your vision is blurry and/or you’re constantly feeling anxious and/or nervous — all of this could be due to some of your hormone levels being not where they are supposed to be?
If your immediate thought was, “Damn. That is a lot of stuff that I’ve just chalked up to stress,” while that could be an underlying cause, more than anything, it’s a heads up to make an appointment to see your doctor.
Okay, but what about your estrogen levels specifically? Even though both men and women have estrogen and testosterone flowing through their bodies, most of us learned in school that men produce higher levels of testosterone while we produce greater levels of estrogen. And since estrogen plays such a pivotal role in our sexual and reproductive health, it’s super important to be aware of some telling signs of when your estrogen levels may be too high or when they could be too low.
That’s why I’m going to take a moment to share some indications of both, along with some things that you can try from the comfort and convenience of your own home to either make things more bearable or possibly even level things back out — at least until you can get in to see your doctor (which you absolutely should do if none of these things subside after a couple of weeks or so). Let’s hit it.

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1. Signs of High Estrogen Levels: Sore Breasts
I don’t know about y’all, but something that I can set my watch to, about a week before my period begins, is my breasts feeling tight and sore. If you’ve always wondered why that is the case, it’s due to the fact that right before your cycle, your estrogen levels naturally increase, and that leads to some breast discomfort. What you need to watch out for here is if they remain uncomfortable for weeks on end. Based on your age, that could be a sign that you are in a later phase of perimenopause or that your estrogen levels are high, and your doctor needs to get to the root of why that is the case.
What can you do? Ibuprofen can help. So can reducing your caffeine and salt intake and going up a cup size on your bras (since your breasts are probably going to be slightly larger then).
1. Signs of Low Estrogen Levels: Dry Skin
Menopause, boy. If you don’t know a lot about it, it can be a RIDE. For instance, as your body is shifting from a season of being able to get pregnant to one of not (which also means not having a period, so everything has its perks!), your hormones are going to go up and down quite a bit. As far as your estrogen levels go, look out for super dry skin that seems to not be able to be quenched no matter what you do; this means that your estrogen is low.
What can you do? Try using a cleanser that is milder; consuming foods that contain fatty acids (like salmon, walnuts, flaxseed oil, olive oil, and chia seeds); sealing your skin (which simply means applying something to it while it’s still wet or damp) with a carrier oil like sweet almond, avocado or grapeseed after bathing, and sleeping with a humidifier at night.

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2. Signs of High Estrogen Levels: Weight Gain
This one right here is a bit of a mixed bag. On one hand, while it’s not so black and white that high levels of estrogen will automatically lead to weight gain, what it can do is increase your appetite and shift how your body stores up fat (especially when it comes to your waist, hips, and thighs). That’s why it’s not uncommon for women who are in the later stages of perimenopause or menopause to say that they feel like their figure has changed — due to the estrogen shifts, it very well may have.
What can you do? The main thing to keep in mind with this one is diet plays a big role in not just managing weight but keeping estrogen levels balanced too. For instance, phytoestrogens are plant-based estrogen foods (like soy, carrots, apples, berries, nuts, and seeds). If your estrogen levels are high, you need to keep the consumption of those down to a minimum. So, what should you eat more of instead? According to many health experts, a high-fiber diet, less processed foods, and a Mediterranean-style diet are all a super wise move.
2. Signs of Low Estrogen Levels: Moodiness
Contrary to the popular assumption of some, no one is really moody for no reason. Although it may sound “typical” to say, the reality is that when we as women are kind of “all over the place” with our feelings, our hormones can play a direct role. As far as low estrogen levels go, it can make you especially moody because it can make it hard for you to get a good night’s rest — and listen, the only thing worse than being hangry (hungry and angry) is being sleep-deprived.
What can you do? I’m not saying that sleep will automatically get you in the right headspace. What I am saying, though, is if you are constantly getting less than six hours of sleep a night, you are definitely not helping matters. So, check out “These Sleep Hacks Will Make Getting A Good Night’s Rest So Much Easier,” apply some of the tips, and see if that helps matters at all (here’s hoping so!). You also might want to do your own research on red clover tea, and black cohosh and increasing your intake of vitamins B, D, and E. All are connected to naturally raising estrogen levels, too.

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3. Signs of High Estrogen Levels: Low Sex Drive
When it comes to sex, estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone all play a role in your libido. And yes, when estrogen is slightly higher (like when you’re ovulating), it’s normal to feel hornier. However, if your estrogen is so elevated that it overpowers your other sex hormones, that can have a reverse effect to where your libido ends up being on the lower side.
3. Signs of Low Estrogen Levels: Low Sex Drive
Interestingly enough, if your estrogen levels are low, that can also create a ho-hum attitude towards sex. If you add to that the fact that decreased estrogen can cause vaginal dryness (more on that in a bit) and uncomfortable intercourse, it would make sense that women with low estrogen would rather binge-watch a show than get some.
What can you do? For this one, since both high and low estrogen levels can basically produce the same result on your sex drive, you really need to make a doctor’s appointment to confirm what the deal is. What I will say is there are things that you can do to increase your sex drive altogether — exercise (to reduce stress and increase blood flow) including to your genital region); lower your alcohol intake; get more rest; maintain a healthy weight; communicate effectively with your partner and extend your foreplay sessions (to give you more time to get into the mood).

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4. Signs of High Estrogen Levels: Heavy Period Flow
One thing that estrogen does is help to build up the uterine lining that supports a baby’s development should you happen to conceive. From month to month, if that doesn’t happen, you shed that lining which is what your period is (basically) all about. Okay, but if your estrogen levels are high, that can cause you to have a thicker lining than you should and that can lead to a much higher period flow; quite possibly even a condition known as menorrhagia.
What can you do? When it comes to menorrhagia, you need to be tested by your doctor for an official diagnosis. For the record, though, if are at the age when perimenopause or menopause is on the horizon, that could also lead to heavy cycles.
Eating foods that are high in iron (since you are losing more blood which means more iron) like red meat, turkey, lentils, wheat, and potatoes, and progesterone (like cruciferous veggies, beans, kale, and spinach); drinking hormone-leveling teas such as raspberry leaf and licorice, and taking over the counter anti-inflammatory meds during your cycle can help to lessen your flow — at least, a little bit.
4. Signs of Low Estrogen Levels: Irregular Cycles
I guess it kind of makes sense that if high estrogen causes heavy bleeding that low estrogen would either result in irregular/unpredictable cycles or no period at all. That would also explain why it can be hard for perimenopausal women to schedule their period (like they used to) because one month, their estrogen may be high while the next one, may be low (chile).
What can you do? With this one, there could be so many health issue causes (especially if you’re not in your 40s and heading towards menopause) that if you’re not sexually active (because an irregular or skipped period could mean that you are pregnant) and you’re younger, you really should see your physician.
For now, what I will say is if you’ve been under a high amount of stress as of late or your weight has substantially increased or decreased, that might be what has triggered your period to be erratic or MIA.

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5. Signs of High Estrogen Levels: Fatigue
While stumbling upon an article that said that high estrogen can cause leg fatigue in young women (interesting), it reminded me to add fatigue, overall, to the list of what increased estrogen can show itself to do in your body. This happens because, since estrogen helps to regulate things like serotonin (a natural chemical that sends certain messages to your brain regarding things like your appetite, moods, and sleep patterns) in your system when estrogen is too high, that can cause your serotonin to somewhat malfunction. That can cause mild symptoms like insomnia and fatigue to creep up.
What can you do? If sleeplessness is what you have going on, putting yourself on a sleep schedule, keeping your bedroom on the cooler side (like around 68 degrees or so), meditating before bedtime and applying some lavender oil to your feet and bedding are helpful. As far as fatigue goes, exercise, drinking lots of water, and eating foods like avocados, sweet potatoes, dark chocolate, oatmeal, and even popcorn that will give you more energy, while putting you in a better mood, are all pretty effective.
5. Signs of Low Estrogen Levels: Vaginal Dryness
A common sign of being postmenopausal is experiencing vaginal dryness. That’s because, when your body is not producing as much estrogen as it used to, it’s more challenging for your vaginal walls to remain as thick or your vagina to be as moist (for the record, this is not for ALL women). That said, it should also go on record that anxiety, stress, and smoking can lower your estrogen levels and cause dryness that doesn’t just affect sex. Vaginal dryness can also cause vaginal irritation and a burning sensation when you urinate.
What can you do? As life would have it, I’ve actually written an article on this topic before. Check out “Here's How To Increase Vaginal Lubrication. Naturally.” whenever you get a chance.
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Hormones make up a lot of what makes our body tick, especially estrogen. So please make sure to be intentional and proactive about learning all that you can about your hormones and asking your doctor to get them checked should any concerns arise. Better to bring it up and it be all good than remain quiet and go through some or all of what we just talked about. Take care of yourselves, y’all.
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Your October 2025 Monthly Horoscopes Are All About Magnetic Love & Divine Timing
October is about the power of attraction. This is the month to set your intentions, create space for a new beginning, and find your balance between the past, present, and future. There aren’t many astrological transits this month, signaling more possibilities in the air and an opportunity to create that which you desire.
We begin the month in Libra Season, and Libra Season is always the time of year when love is the highlight. With Juno also entering Sagittarius on October 1, right as we begin the month, it’s about committing yourself to a new adventure, to the gifts of love, and to perspectives that heal and bring you closer to another.
October 2025 Astrology: An Overview
Mercury enters Scorpio on October 6, and Mercury in Scorpio only knows depth. The conversations being had this month are inspiring, transformative, and a little more blunt than usual. This energy is good for the power of persuasion and for asking for what you want, especially within business and financial matters. On the same day, we have a Supermoon in Aries, and this is a powerful Full Moon for reflection, owning your power, and letting go of the insecurities that don’t resonate with what you want for yourself and your future.
Venus, the planet of love, moves into Libra on October 13 after being in Virgo for the past month, and after some time of healing and clarity in love, Libra is here to bring in the romance. Venus loves being in Libra, and this energy creates new beginnings within relationships and provides a little extra magic in this area of life. With Pluto going direct in Aquarius on the same day after being retrograde since May, life and love move forward mid-October, helping provide more stable and nurturing foundations in your personal life and community as well.
The New Moon of the month occurs in Libra on October 21, making it a beautiful time for manifesting romance, balance, and harmony in your world.
This New Moon aligns with the Sun in Libra, and it’s all about letting a new beginning transform your world and the love in your life for the better. Scorpio Season officially begins on October 22, and Neptune retrograde enters Pisces on the same day, bringing in some water sign energy into the mix. As we close out the month, it’s time to renew, honor the transformations occurring, and know that your dreams aren’t as far out of reach as they may seem at times.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what October 2025 has in store for you.
What October 2025 Has In Store For Your Zodiac Sign
ARIES
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is all about perspective, Aries. This is the month to trust the divine timing of your life, and not let the what-ifs overwhelm you. With the Sun in Libra, your sister sign, for most of the month, October is about building connections, finding your balance in love, and knowing that you are worthy of what your heart is seeking right now. We have a Supermoon in your sign on October 6, and emotions are a little heavier this month, but also healing. Give yourself grace, and let go of what isn’t working for you.
Venus is in your house of love from October 13 until November 6, and there is a lot to look forward to when it comes to romance and the relationship dynamics in your life as you move through the month. It’s about being confident in your power of attraction and letting love come to you right now. Before October comes to an end, we have a New Moon in your 7th house of love as well, and with all this energy in your relationship zone, life changes for you in love for the better in October.
TAURUS
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is a spiritual month for you, Taurus. You are thinking a lot about your next steps ahead, and are getting organized, focused, and aligned. The Supermoon on October 6 is a time of reflection for you, and you are entering the month ready to let go of the past, heal, and create space for something new in your life. This month is all about trusting your intuition and letting your wisdom guide you in your personal growth and evolution.
You are more than where you have been, and this month is a reminder of that.
With Mars in Scorpio and in your 7th house of love all month, you are motivated by the partnerships in your life right now. Your love life and relationships are where the action is for you this month, and you are honoring your passion and direction here. Venus, your planetary ruler, moves into your house of health mid-month and into November, and you are leaving October seeking healthier habits, daily routines, and relationships. Overall, this month is helping you align with your vision.
GEMINI
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis month is a fresh start for you, Gemini. Your heart is free, love is beaming, and you are feeling larger than life. This month is about taking a leap of faith in yourself, honoring your confidence in life, and being your biggest advocate. With the Sun in your 5th house of self-expression, romance, and happiness, and with Venus entering this same area of your chart mid-October, there is a lot to look forward to right now, and things are looking up for you.
On October 21, we have a New Moon in a fellow air sign, and this is a good time to set your intentions for creative projects, hobbies, romance, and your overall happiness in life. There are a lot of little moments of magic unfolding for you this month, and this New Moon is one of them. Before October comes to an end, Mercury, your ruling planet, enters Sagittarius, and this brings open communication into your relationships, and you are having lively conversations and insights.
CANCER
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis is a transformative month for you, Cancer. You are moving through closure, healing, and depth as you navigate the opportunities that are coming into your life, with the stability you are seeking. With the Sun in your 4th house of home and family in October, this is the month to spend more time in your safe spaces, connect with your loved ones, and get grounded. You are also more focused on your financial world right now, and this is a good time for building new foundations for yourself and looking at the bigger picture when it comes to your career and life goals.
Mars is in your house of romance and happiness for the entire month, and this is one of the highlights of your life right now. You are passionate about your joy and all the things that light you up inside, and you are protecting your peace and giving more of your energy to your pleasure. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Libra, highlighting your home life, and some Cancers may be moving at the end of the month or getting the opportunity to turn a page here. Overall, this is your month to reflect, go within, and make sense of what has been restricting you from feeling stable.
LEO
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is about taking things one day at a time and being patient with what is presenting itself to you, Leo. This month, you are getting your ducks in a row and gaining the clarity needed to create a new beginning in your life. The month begins with a Supermoon in a fellow fire sign on October 6, aligning in harmony with you and fueling your need for adventure. You are going over the wisdom you have gained as of late and how it has shifted the way you navigate your life and see the world around you.
On October 13, Pluto goes direct in your 7th house of love, after being retrograde here since May. This is bringing in more balance, empowerment, and passion into your love life, and this is a positive change of energy for you after a time of some power struggles within your relationships. Before the month comes to an end, we have a New Moon in Libra, and this New Moon is the best time to set intentions for clarity, communication, and connection. October is about taking your time with things and knowing that everything is working out in your favor at the end of the day.
VIRGO
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis October is about finding your balance, Virgo. There is a lot of energy when it comes to your finances this month, but you may be overworking or overcommitting yourself in the process. Honor the opportunities and responsibilities in your life, but make sure you are equally taking care of your health and prioritizing your time and energy so that you don’t burn out. Venus, the planet of love, is in your sign until October 13; use this energy to your benefit and let things come to you.
You are a magnet for abundance, romance, and support if you allow yourself to receive it.
On October 13, Venus moves into your 2nd house of income, and your relationships are a supportive place for you to lean on right now. Your love life and partnerships are where your financial world is evolving this month, and this is a good time to ask for what you want; you never know what may happen. At the end of the month, Neptune goes retrograde in your sister sign, Pisces, and you are taking a step back and reassessing what love means for you right now. Overall, October is about remembering that you don’t have to do it all alone, Virgo.
LIBRA
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLibra Season is here, and it’s your time to shine and thrive! This Libra Season changes everything for you, and October is when you really begin to feel this shift in your life. The Sun is in your sign until October 22, and it’s time to put yourself first. With a Supermoon in Aries as we begin the month as well, you are letting go of any unhealthy attachments or relationship dynamics that take you away from yourself, and are moving into deeper clarity.
On October 13, Venus, your planetary ruler, enters your sign, where it loves to be the most. With Venus in your sign for the rest of the month, love takes on a new tone, and you are feeling more love for yourself and where life is taking you right now. To end the month, we have a New Moon in Libra, and it’s time to set your intentions for where you want life to grow for you over the next year. This is a month of embarking on a new journey of self, and allowing what is inspiring you right now to build your confidence in yourself and your relationships.
SCORPIO
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is about honoring your freedom and your power to decide, Scorpio. A lot is going on for you this month, and you have the passion and energy to see things through. Mercury, the planet of communication, moves into your sign at the beginning of the month on October 6, and this is going to help you get your ideas across, making it a good month for business matters, networking, and getting inspired. With Mars also in your sign for the entire month, life moves forward for you in transformative ways in October, and you are a force to be reckoned with.
On October 13, Venus moves into your house of closure, healing, and endings, and you are ready to close one chapter of love and create space for a new one. You are in a contemplative space when it comes to matters of the heart, and you are ready to let go of any heaviness you have been feeling here. Scorpio Season officially begins on October 22, and you are ready to begin again. This Scorpio Season is about owning your confidence in life while letting go of insecurities or self-doubts that have been getting in the way of that.
SAGITTARIUS
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleEverything unfolds for you in a beautiful way this month, Sagittarius. You are flowing well with the energy of October, and life opens up to you. With the Sun in your 11th house of aspirations, dreams, manifestations, and community, you are feeling in balance with your desires and your reality, and are bridging the gap here. This is a month of friendship, believing in your dreams, and creating space for love. With Juno also entering your sign at the beginning of the month until the end of the year, you are attracting soulmates into your life.
On October 6, we have a Supermoon in a fellow fire sign, allowing you some closure in love and a chance at healing. Your heart is feeling renewed, and you are owning your power in creating happiness in your life. Before the month ends, Mercury moves into Sagittarius, where it will be until mid-November, and inspiration is heightened. Pay attention to the guidance you are receiving this month, the conversations you are having, and the light bulb moments that are going off for you right now.
CAPRICORN
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is about going within and connecting with the guidance of your soul, Capricorn. You are taking more time for yourself this month, and rightly so, as you need time to fully process what has happened so far this year. Pluto goes direct in your 2nd house of income, and this moves things forward when it comes to your earning potential, abundance, and values.
The key this month is in valuing yourself, your perspective, and what you are building in your life right now.
On October 21, we have a New Moon happening in your career zone, and this is a good time to manifest your goals within your professional world. Put yourself out there, show up, and know that you are worthy of success and that your dreams aren’t too big for you. As we close out the month, Mercury moves into your house of closure, even further facilitating your desire for contemplation and alone time this month. Overall, October is about taking care of your mental health, owning your successes, and finding your peace.
AQUARIUS
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is a new beginning for you in love and in life, Aquarius. Your heart is feeling inspired, and there is a lot to look forward to right now. The Supermoon at the beginning of the month will be occurring in your 3rd house of communication, giving you the answers you have been looking for and helping you close the door on a chapter in your life that left you feeling misunderstood or misdirected. You are ready for a change of pace this month, and you are receiving that as we begin October.
Mid-October, Pluto goes direct in your sign after being retrograde since May, and this is a huge breath of fresh air for you and your path ahead. You may have been a little harder on yourself while Pluto was retrograde this year, and now you feel ready to forgive, move on, and own your power. Before the month comes to an end, we have a New Moon in Libra, and you are embarking on a new adventure. The end of the month is a good time for traveling, exploring, and gaining a new perspective.
PISCES
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis month is giving you the guidance, perspective, and passion to see yourself with clear, loving eyes, Pisces. There is a sense of feeling more overwhelmed with life lately, and October is allowing you to gain the insight needed to move on from this energy, or at least see more of the gifts of what has occurred. On October 6, we have a Supermoon in an area of your chart having to do with self-worth, values, and income, and it’s time to see the gifts of what you have been investing in and valuing in your life, including yourself.
Let go of the need to play it small or count yourself out of important conversations, and know that you deserve a seat at the table.
With Pluto going direct in your 12th house of healing as we end the month, you are finally getting the answers you have been looking for emotionally, and it’s changing your perspective on your commitments in life and making you feel empowered. Before the month ends, Neptune goes retrograde in Pisces, and you are going to be moving through a personal revolution as we close out the year. You are inspired by change right now, and this month is what kicks starts this metamorphosis within you.
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Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
Falling Out: Here's How To 'Fall-Proof' Your Friendships
At this point, I’m pretty sure that all of us have heard the opening line of a poem by Brian A. “Drew” Chalker, which says, “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” Personally, I think that relationships move a lot better (even the ones that end) when you seek out the PURPOSE (more than the reason) for why someone enters and exits…yet that’s another article for another time.
Seasonal relationships — or as we’re going to discuss today, seasonal friendships. In the general sense, some people only last for a season in our lives because they were mostly “sent” to teach us something, and/or we’ve moved out of relational alignment with them, and/or we “misread” the purpose of them even being around to begin with (that’s a BIG one).
However, today, we’re going to talk about a different kind of seasonal friendship. Today is all about why it seems like, with fall, sometimes it comes with a shift in how we interact with those around us. Then we’re going to tackle what to do about it, so that we don’t hurt, offend, or end up ending a friendship prematurely, simply because we didn’t get how autumn may have impacted us in some unpredictable yet quite relevant ways that didn’t translate well to our peeps.
Chile, live long enough and you will get that good friends really aren’t the dime a dozen you may have thought that they were in high school. So, if you want to “fall-proof” your friendships as soon as possible, here is how to do just that.
Be Aware of How the Fall Season May Affect You
GiphyI have a friend who is a diehard Scorpio (IYKYK) and chile, like clockwork, about six weeks out from her birthday, she totally goes off of the grid — sometimes with a heads up, oftentimes without. And although I used to chalk it up to being nothing more than a period of self-reflection, she also seems a bit mentally and emotionally tapped out during that time of year too.
And so, I did a bit of research and discovered that although Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) — which is a type of depression that upticks during the fall and winter seasons — is quite prevalent around this time, it is also common for many humans to go into their own form of “hibernation” which causes them to want to isolate, sleep more and not socialize as much.
Interestingly enough, because many of us find fall to be our favorite season out of the four, that can also motivate us to want to be alone to walk and look at the turning leaves, to drink hot apple cider while staring out of our living room window or to watch fall-themed rom-coms all by ourselves. And then, if you add to that the fact that, whether consciously or subconsciously, we are storing up energy (sometimes energy that we barely have) to get ready for all that the holiday season takes out of us — yeah, sometimes the last thing that we want to do during the this time is be sociable.
So, off top, if it seems like you are pulling away from your friendships right about now, take out a journal and jot down if any of what I’ve just said resonates with you. Shoot, I’ve brought this up to that Scorpio homie of mine and she said that it definitely hit home.
Get an Understanding of If Autumn Is Draining You…or If “They” Are
GiphyFall fatigue. It’s something else that is extremely common. There are a few reasons why; however, probably the most popular one is that when the days are shorter (and you are indoors more often), you get less exposure to natural vitamin D which is a nutrient that helps to give you more energy. Not only that but exposure to darkness also ramps up your internal melatonin levels which can cause you to lag around as well — and when you feel worn out, what makes you want to have drinks with friends after work or brunch with them on the weekends?
Pretty much all you want to do is lie on your couch or sleep in your bed. And so yes, this is something else that you absolutely need to consider — that you don’t “have it” for your buddies because you physically feel completely drained.
Now, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t ponder another possibility. LOL. What I mean by that is, while you’re journaling and thinking, use the quiet time as an opportunity to decide if you are using fall as an excuse to avoid certain folks, mostly because have been draining you, hell, since this time last year.
And what are some signs of a draining individual:
- They give more than they take
- They bring more problems than solutions
- They gossip and/or criticize more than they affirm
- They deflect instead of taking responsibility and accountability for their actions
- They like to play the victim
- They constantly want to be the center of attention
- They talk more than they listen
- They are super dramatic and/or childish
- They don’t give a damn about honoring your boundaries
- They cultivate more chaos than peace (more times than not)
Listen, you can read articles like, “Texting Your Friends This One Question Will Reveal A Lot About Your Relationship,” “Make Your Friendships (Even) Stronger By Doing These 6 Things,” “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends,” “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend” and “10 Questions To Ask Your Close Friends Before The New Year Begins” to know that I am big — HUGE, in fact — on promoting taking friendship inventory on an annual basis.
And that’s why, I’m definitely encouraging you to think about if you find yourself pulling away from someone (or some people) right through here because, while you’d like to think that it has to do with the autumn equinox, it’s actually more about how they are draining you — not just during the fall season either.
Clearly Articulate That with Your People
GiphyOkay, so whether it’s the weather or the person, something that I am big on is communication. So much so that my circle is used to the fact that, right around Rosh Hashanah (the new year that I personally choose to observe), I may send out a mass email about my relationship-related thoughts, feelings and expectations.
I do that because I honor my friendships enough not to play games, be passive aggressive (check out “More People Are Using The 'Gray Rock Method' To End Relationships. It Needs To Stop.” and “What Should You Do If You're Dating A Passive-Aggressive Person?”) or act like they should be able to read my mind. Nah, I want you to know right where I stand, so that we can decide where we stand too. It proves to be pretty effective because it gives them the opportunity to take inventory on us too.
And so yes, clear communication is something that I recommend, across the board — whether you need to be quiet for a few weeks, just because, or you think it’s time to do some reevaluating of a friendship and its purpose (at least for now). That way, no one feels dismissed, confused or ghosted. And that is always a good thing (a great way to honor karma as well).
Find Compromising Ways to Spend Quality Time Together
GiphySo, what if, after all of what I just said, you really do believe that the fall season is what’s got you not wanting to “hang” so much? Does that mean not hang AT ALL because while your introverted and ambivert friends are probably semi-cool with that? The extroverts? They might feel pretty slighted — and like I (basically) said in my article, “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient,'” your relationships can’t just be about your wants and your needs. Their feelings have to be taken into consideration too.
Plan some one-on-one dates (even if you need to do it several weeks from now; it shows intention and gives them something to look forward to). Go to their house or have them come to yours. Hop on Zoom, so that they can at least see your face (good lord — LOL). See, the thing that I had to explain to my Scorpio friend is that no-contact with no warning is hella extreme. At least, let’s do something together before you vanish and at least commit to replying to every third text, so that I know when to do a wellness check on your ass. LOL.
You’d be amazed how smooth transitions in seasons can go (unless you’ve got a control freak for a friend on your hands) when you’re willing to hear people out, meet them halfway and make a few compromises. Try it.
Don’t Feel Like Talking? Text. Don’t Feel Like Texting? Email.
GiphyOn the heels of what I just said — there is nothing like individuals who don’t want to be bothered, who try and gaslight you about feeling some type of way about it, only for them to suddenly want you to be on-call to “come out and play” whenever THEY are in the mood. That is called relational entitlement and please, don’t fall for it.
Listen, the reality is that no matter how the fall may have someone feeling, unless it is diagnosed depression, they can at least text or email you every once in a while, not just to let you know that they are good but to check in on you as well — because, y’all, let’s not ever forget that the root word in relationship is RELATE and one definition of that word is “to bring into or establish association, connection, or relation.”
Relationships — friendships included — are a lot like plants and most plants need to be watered on a (fairly) consistent basis. That said, if you are going to be low-key for the next several weeks (or even a couple of months), care about your friendships enough to maintain some sort of communication. There is simply too much technology out here these days not to.
Tell Yourself and Them That…This Too Shall Pass
GiphyLove is patient. Put a bookmark on that for just a sec. A project that my mother executive produced many years ago featured one of the best gospel duos ever recorded — and no, I am not going to argue about it. The song is called “This Too Shall Pass” and it features Yolanda Adams and a white woman who can SANG sing, Crystal Lewis.
Now fun fact: When the album (Sisters: The Story Goes On) came out, I told my mother that “this too shall pass” isn’t exactly biblical (she didn’t believe me either—LOL). It’s actually a line from a 12th century Persian poem (the more you know, right?) — it is a beautiful sentiment nonetheless and it actually reminds me of something that I once heard Dylan McKay’s mom (shout-out to Beverly Hills, 90210) once tell Brenda (after she found out about him and Kelly): “Even despair exhausts itself.” Amen. To EVERYTHING, good and not-so-good, a time and season — and that is in the Bible (Ecclesiastes 3).
Anyway, as I wrap all of this up, I’m mentioning this phrase to say that if you are on the receiving end of a friend who relationally “falls back” during this time of the year, if you know that the two of you are good and it’s more about them and their stuff — practice a little patience. Sometimes, for friends to show up in their best form, they need some time to recharge and that is more than okay. Again, so long as the two of you are solid, it’s OK to give people some room.
This too shall pass. Literally.
___
It’s a columnist by the name of Richard J. Needham who once said, “You don't marry one person; you marry three: the person you think they are, the person they are, and the person they are going to become as the result of being.” It’s true and honestly, this insight can translate into friendships as well. There are seasons in those too and, the more you prepare for them, the easier they are to get through.
Friendship fallbacks don’t have to be fallouts.
Prepare. Adjust. Act accordingly.
Simple math.
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