Not too long ago, a friend of mine and I were talking about a video we both saw that featured a baby being gently tossed into a swimming pool (they ended up floating immediately). Basically, it was the child's first swimming lesson and while my friend thought that the tactic was extreme, as a doula, I had a very different perspective. "Babies develop in water," I said. "That is their first home."
My point? There really is no way around the fact that our childhoods set a lot of the foundational work for how we see the world and how we function as adults. That's why I think it's so important that once you and a guy have gotten about three to four dates under your belts that both you and he should be open to discussing "less shallow end" topics — including each other's childhood. Because whether he had a fabulous one, a traumatizing one or something in between (which typically is the case for most), it can help you to see how and why he operates in the way that he does, if there are red flags that shouldn't be ignored and if there may be issues that should be addressed (perhaps via therapy, etc.) before getting in too deep.
1.What Was Your Relationship Like with Your Mom?
OK. Here's a great reason why it's pretty dangerous to always speak in generalizations. There's a guy that I know who treats women, pretty much like crap. He's a gaslighter. He has severe commitment issues. He very rarely takes any kind of responsibility for his actions. And he takes far more than he gives. He's so bad, in fact, that he's got a reputation for all of these things in the city where he lives. Thing is, because I am a marriage life coach and a journalist, it's pretty much an occupational hazard for me to not want to dig around and get to the root of someone as much as possible.
And when it comes to him in particular, I'm aware of the fact that he has a very surface-level relationship with his dad and that he claims to adore his mother. Thing is, though, how are you so in love with your mom when you are destructive AF when it comes to other women? That, my dear, does not compute. That's why I'm not totally sold on if you want to know how a man will treat you, pay attention to how he treats his mama.
Honestly, because I know some of the backstory on his upbringing with his mom, I think he romanticizes his mom being healthier than she actually is. If you add to that him being too afraid to confront her about where she also dropped the ball, it seems like he takes his hurt, frustration and disappointment out on women, in general. It may look like he reveres his mom yet meanwhile, any other woman gets treated like total crap — because he won't confront who he's really upset with/disappointed by.
So yeah, rather than just assuming that a man will be good to you just because he's good to his mom, ask him to describe his experiences with her while growing up. It could reveal some pretty insightful things as it relates to how he processes women, even today.
2.What Was Your Relationship Like with Your Dad?
I am so sick of the narrative that most of us didn't grow up with active fathers; even those of us who were raised in single-parent households (read and/or share "The truth about Black fatherhood" and "They're Dragging Out the 'Absent Black Fathers' Myth Again. Can We Give it a Rest? | Opinion" when you get a chance). So, while it might seem like where I'm going with this is you should assume that the man you are seeing either didn't have a father or had a poor experience with his dad, it's not. While it is indeed quite insightful if this happens to be the case (because I totally agree that the best way for a boy to learn how to be a man is from a man and preferably his dad; a lot of women are out here raising the kind of men they loathe. We'll discuss that at another time), I actually believe that if you really want to know how a man will treat a woman, look into what his father's model taught him. Was his father loving? Was his father respectful? Was his father someone who was a provider and a protector?
A good friend of mine is an awesome father in the sense of being proactively involved and consistent. One area where I encourage him to be better, though, is when it comes to how he interacts with his kids' mom. I won't lie, she is a trip (and not in a good way). Still, when he says slick stuff that he thinks his kids won't catch, I think they do and all that does is model to his daughter that it's cool to love a man who is sarcastic and flippant towards you and to his son that being with a woman with a lot of drama is normal. Parents set the tone. And if fathers want to lead like they say, they've got to keep this in mind when it comes to what they say and do. In all areas. Hearing about the guy you're seeing's views and experiences with his own father can reveal a lot about how he defines manhood — and fatherhood.
3.What Number Are You in the Sibling Line-Up?
While some researchers don't believe that there is a lot of merit to the order of siblinghood, hell, I do. So do a lot of us who grew up with brothers and sisters. Plus, there's some significant data to back all of this up. For instance, there are books and articles that say only children tend to be more introverted, a bit self-absorbed and strong leaders.
Firstborn children oftentimes suppress a lot of emotion, are good at solving problems, can be controlling and quite dependable. Middle kids lean towards being people pleasers, extroverts and will often "do the absolute most" in order to get attention. The youngest children are oftentimes spoiled, can be manipulative and yet are quite often the life of the party too.
While this isn't something that should be taken as gospel (I liken birth order traits to astrological signs — there are a lot of similarities yet not everything is 100 percent), it can be insightful to hear where the guy you're seeing lines up. I'm a firstborn daughter which, lawd, is an article all on its own. Anyway, asking this question can also help you to see what his relationship is like with his siblings — which can lead to ah-ha moments when it comes to how he processes friendships, in general (since a lot of people first learned about friendship via their brothers and sisters).
4.What’s Your Favorite Childhood Memory? Your Worst?
Oh, how I wish that parents took the weight of children's childhoods more seriously. The reason why I say that is because I don't care how the person is, unless they've experienced a level of trauma that has caused them to totally "blackout" when it comes to their childhood (and that is indeed possible), all of us have recollections that have remained with us to this day — things that have shaped and molded us. Things that have caused us to make a lot of the decisions that we do now…whether we realize it or not.
For instance, I've got a male friend who loves women's butts. No newsflash, right? Yeah, peep this, though— he grew up in a household that had a lot of house parties at night. Nothing crazy or illegal. Just a bunch of Black folks having fun. However, they would sometimes be so loud that he would wake up and peek to see what was going on. People were bumpin' 'n grindin' all over the place and he said that all he remembered was a lot of loud music and butt rubbing. And now — look at where he stands.
There are lots of people who work in the mental health field who wholeheartedly believe that children's best and worst memories can definitely set the tone for a lot of choices that they make, moving forward. For instance, I know a woman who hates kissing her husband on the mouth because she had a bad memory of an older cousin forcing her to do it when she was a kid. I know someone else who can sing her face off yet refuses to do it as an adult because she once got booed at a child at a talent show.
The reason why discussing memories can be so beneficial is because, a lot of times, folks don't even think about connecting the dots between instances that have transpired and how they function in real time. Bringing this topic up can be revelatory for you, therapeutic for him.
5.What Do You Remember About Your First Friendship? Your First Crush?
I have shared before that my first friendship was one of the worst things that ever happened to me. She was pure evil and I'm not the only person who felt that way. Matter of fact, she was so toxic and manipulative that it wasn't until I was well into my 30s that I really wondered, "What the hell was going on in her house?" due to a lot of the choices that she made and how she treated a lot of people. Anyway, because she was my first introduction to "friendship", I spent many years thinking that if a girl was even a little bit nicer than her, it was a blessing. I ended up being taken advantage of for many years by "versions of her" because of it. As far as my first crush went, he used to tell me that I was ugly. We didn't get that resolved until, hell, probably 10-12 years ago. The "residue" that he left behind is, whenever a man would affirm me, I would oftentimes not require much else because I was so grateful to be told that I was pretty, smart, funny or whatever.
On the first crush — which for some would be a first love — tip, I know a guy who thinks that every woman "cheats" because his first girlfriend did; with his cousin. That was 20-plus years ago and he's still hesitant to put his heart totally into a relationship. As far as his longest-running friendship, they are the ultimate frick and frack. Those jokers never hold each other accountable. And it shows.
Outside of our immediate family, our friendships and our romantic relationships tend to influence us the most, whether it's for the better or for the worst. Listening to him break down his first friendship and first crush could be quite enlightening. No doubt about it.
6.If You Could Change Anything About Your Childhood, What Would It Be?
This is also a really great question because whatever comes out of his mouth can 1) let you know what still remains somewhat heavy on his heart and 2) what he prioritizes when it comes to his healing and quite possibly how he'll be as a father someday. Take one of my friends who hates how much his mom worked and how bad of a co-parent his father was (until much later in his life). He often says that what he wished had happened the most is that his mom came home earlier (because being home alone a lot caused him to get sexually involved earlier than he should have and not really feel as close to his mother as he would like) and that both of his parents had taken more initiative into him bonding with his father. Because of both of these things, my friend is one of the most actively involved parents that I know.
Another guy that I know says that he wishes his parents hadn't waited so long to have him. His father is literally 50-plus years older than he is and he says that has kept them from being as close as he desires. As a result, he is pretty focused on having children at an earlier age.
We've all got stuff that we wish could've been different about your childhood. Listening to a man share what he wishes was different can help you to see how introspective he is and how he is able to connect the dots when it comes to some of his plans for the future.
7.If You Would Do Three Things Differently with Your Own Kids, What Would They Be?
Recently, while talking to another man in my life who happens to be engaged, he told me that he feels like a part of the reason why he's such an overachiever (and he really is) is because his father wasn't very ambitious — to this day, he still isn't. "When I have kids, I hope I can teach them balance," he said. "You know, learn how to be responsible and also how to have a lot of fun. Not be lazy, but still have a childhood."
Listen, although you can learn a lot about a man when it comes to all of these questions, hearing what he says when you inquire about what he would do differently once he becomes a dad himself can be revelatory as all get out. It can also offer up some perspective about whether or not the two of you have the potential to be on the same page when it comes to childrearing.
I know this was a loaded piece yet after all of the years of me working with couples, I promise you that the lead quote rings true — a lot of us are who and how we are as the direct result of things that happened to us when we were children. Knowing about someone's childhood is definitely a way to go up a notch in intimacy while also being a way to gain clarity on if you both share similar views and values. Because although our childhood is not all of who we are, it is a foundational part. And if you want to build, you should know what someone's foundation consists of. Right?
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After being a regular contributor for about four years and being (eh hem) MIA in 2022, Shellie is back penning for the platform (did you miss her? LOL).
In some ways, nothing has changed and in others, everything has. For now, she'll just say that she's working on the 20th anniversary edition of her first book, she's in school to take life coaching to another level and she's putting together a platform that supports and encourages Black men because she loves them from head to toe.
Other than that, she still works with couples, she's still a doula, she's still not on social media and her email contact (email@example.com) still hasn't changed (neither has her request to contact her ONLY for personal reasons; pitch to the platform if you have story ideas).
Life is a funny thing but if you stay calm, moments can come full circle and this is one of them. No doubt about it.
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Sabrina Dhowre Elba Admits To Not Initially Knowing Who Idris Elba Was When They Met
Model and entrepreneur Sabrina Elba recently recalled the intimate moments surrounding the fateful day she first encountered her husband, Idris Elba.
The couple, who have been together since 2017, met at a jazz bar in Vancouver when Idris was working on his film Mountain Between Us. Years later, in April 2019, following a whirlwind romance, Sabrina and Idris would tie the knot in Morocco.
Since then, the pair's love story has become "couple goals" among many for various reasons. The list includes the numerous times Sabrina and Idris have showcased their love on social media. Another factor contributing to the duo's likability is that Sabrina and Idris have displayed over the years that being with the right partner can elevate one's career or passion in life.
Sabrina and Idris have collaborated professionally in several businesses, including their Coupledom podcast and skincare brand S'Able Labs. In a June interview on Jemele Hill's Unbothered podcast, the 34-year-old opened up about the events leading up to when she met Idris and how she initially didn't know who he was.
Sabrina Dhowre Elba on Meeting Idris Elba
Sabrina, who was living in Vancouver at the time, said that the same night Idris was in town, she went out to a jazz bar for an event called Slow Jam Sunday for a friend’s birthday.
Around that time, the model was getting over a breakup and claimed she wasn't interested in a relationship because of how badly her previous one ended. In a past interview, Idris revealed that he, too, just went through a breakup before meeting Sabrina.
"This is so funny. I [had] just gotten out of a really bad relationship, so I was not this person. I was like 'men are trash. They suck.' I'm literally ready to switch it on up or something because I was so over it," she said. "I come to this party with a night off at work that I prebooked because I was working literally every weekend. But it was my girlfriend's birthday party, so I was there kind of by chance."
Sabrina also revealed that, coincidently, the night she took off for her friend's birthday celebration was the same night Idris had the day off and was convinced by his stunt double to attend Slow Jam Sunday.
"Slow Jam Sundays is an amazing night in Vancouver. It's the one night I would probably go to, but you wouldn't see me out often because I was a weekend worker. I was working at restaurants and service industry, your weekends are taken up," she stated.
"Idris was filming this film in Vancouver and had one night off in Vancouver because most of it was filmed sort of up north in the mountains. His stunt double convinced him to go to Slow Jam Sundays. By chance, we were both there."
Further into the interview, Sabrina disclosed that her friend was interested in Idris at first and went to flirt with him. However, the Daddy's Little Girls star dismissed the friend's advances because Sabrina had caught his eye.
When Sabrina's friend informed her about what happened, she admitted that although she tried to put up a front for her friend's sake, the S'Able Labs CEO was happy because she thought he was also attractive. Following the discussion, Sabrina and her friend went to the section where Idris was, and the couple realized how much they had in common, from the music choices to their background.
"So I go over, and we have like one of those conversations that you just feel like you've known this person for ten years because we're singing the same songs. When a song comes on that I love, he's like, 'I love this song.' I'm like, 'what?' Like I just had this like cultural connection. He's African. I'm like,' Where are you from?'" she said.
Sabrina On Not Knowing Who Idris Was After Meeting Him
As the topic shifted to Idris' celebrity status, Sabrina explained that she didn't know who he was until after it was brought to her attention by a few people she met outside of the bar.
"When I went outside, I realized because there's a group of people there, they're like, 'Oh, you're talking to Idris Elba,'" she stated.
When asked about how well-known the actor was when they met, Sabrina shared that Idris was widely famous in America but not so much in Canada and that the one film she saw him in was the 2009 thriller Obsessed.
Sabrina would add that even after being told who Idris was, she couldn't recollect where she knew him from until her friends mentioned the movie.
"Well, so the film that I had seen was Obsessed... I feel Idris Elba now he gets recognized so much. In that moment, unless you were kind of in that zeitgeist, he was definitely a lot more popular in America," she said. "I don't think I would've known it even when they said that was him. I was trying to remember, like, my friends were like, 'yeah, he's from Obsessed.' We're like, 'Oh, yeah.'"
After figuring out who Idris was, Sabrina shared that when she re-entered the venue, she doubted a relationship would form between them given his occupation, the short timeline he would be there to shoot his movie, and the constant temptation that could flock around him due to his status. But despite Sabrina's uncertainty, they would exchange numbers before she left.
"So I went back inside, we started chatting some more, and he was like, 'Let me take your number.' I was like, 'Alright,' and then I left," she stated.
The model explained the reason why she left the event was that her friend, whose birthday she was celebrating, wanted to check out other spots. When the night was coming to an end, Sabrina hailed a taxi to go home when she received a phone call from Idris. The entrepreneur revealed that the Takers star stopped her from entering the cab and urged her to get in the car he was driving, and they spent the whole night talking until 8 a.m.
"I got in his car, and we spoke till like 8 a.m. easy. It was probably like 2 [a.m.] at that time. We just had the most intense, amazing conversation," she said. "It was the first time I ever connected with someone to the point where I was like, I went home the next day called my friends, I was like, 'I think I found my soulmate.'"
Sabrina revealed that from that fateful night, she and Idris became inseparable. The couple would be long-distance for a brief stint of their union until they acknowledged how difficult it was to maintain that type of relationship. Sabrina ultimately decided to move in with Idris although she was skeptical at first, she claimed it was one of the best decisions she's made because she found her "soulmate."
Sabrina Elba's First Night with Idris Elba Sounds Like a Romance MovieModel and philanthropist Sabrina Elba joins Jemele to discuss her marriage to actor Idris Elba, and their heartwarming, love at first sight origin story.SUBS...
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