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'P-Valley' Is The Dose Of Unapologetic Female Empowerment You Didn't Know You Needed
This article is in partnership with STARZ.
Lights, g-strings, and dolla, dolla bills y'all. From the moment the DJ announces Brandee Evans' character Mercedes taking the stage, prepare to be beguiled. Stripping is about more than the tease, instead it's a lesson in athletics as the women treat the pole like the instrument to their musician. As Mercedes' heel-clad feet plant themselves firmly on the ceiling and she defies gravity mid-twerk, it's clear to all who are lucky to be a witness that the way she and the other women leave it all on the stage is nothing short of art. It was my very first taste of STARZ's hit show P-Valley, and I quickly understood what the hype was about.
This year has been a lot but one thing's for certain, 2020 is the year of women empowerment. Women have been elevating to new levels in every space. We are reclaiming our time, our bodies, our sexuality, our standards of beauty, and the lens in which those narratives are told. We are no longer standing for the disrespect and erasure of our identities and we are assuming our rightful places in this world through equality. Not only are we advocating for ourselves, but we have found the power in numbers to garner support. Women are showing up for women in the best of ways while also demanding that Black women be protected. In current times, we have seen too many examples where women are characterized as objects in the storyline.
Now we are rewriting those stories to show our power balanced with our femininity. Whether it is music, politics, education, business, sex work, women are creating safe spaces for other women to rise.
In its premiere season on STARZ, P-Valley has masterfully taken the theme of women empowerment and displayed it in the most complex of places: the strip club. When you think of strip clubs, the focus of the business is generally concentrated around the men who frequent them. Typically in strip club culture, the male patrons' level of pleasure is centered in most storytelling of the industry. Acclaimed playwright Katori Hall brings her special sauce to P-Valley, showing that the intricate lives of the women are where the real story of strip club culture lies.
P-Valley is based on Hall's play Pussy Valley which is set in the Mississippi Delta. On a panel discussing the inspiration for the show, Hall talks about being from the south, visiting strip clubs, and admiring the women's skill and athleticism which made her feel empowered. Hall decided to take a pole dancing class a few years later, which is where she found her connection to strip club culture. This propelled Hall to research and speak to the women of the industry to find out what their experiences were like and create a brand new viewpoint.
"I wanted to create a story an actual story platform beyond the stage they grace… so people could understand," Hall says. "Their story deserves to be heard."
The organizing principle of episode 2 “Scars” is “fantasy.” It’s all about subverting the male gaze. Switching power roles. Fantasy Friday’s, what Uncle Clifford WANTS to go down in the Paradise Room. And then...there’s Andre 👀 #PValley pic.twitter.com/yxc4Bf96bM
— Katori Hall (@KatoriHall) July 20, 2020
Hall wanted to tell this story with the female gaze centered and destigmatize the male gaze to the strip club. That is to say, the show is not all boobs and butts, but instead, it humanizes the women to show a complete portrait of who they are on- and off-stage. This is how Hall transports us down to the valley where the girls got all the drama.
So, let's catch you up! (Caution: Mild spoilers ahead!)
Uncle Clifford
P-Valley/STARZ
So far on P-Valley, we have been introduced to a complex cast of characters who, in various ways, have found or are new to the local strip club in the fictional Chucalissa, Mississippi. The Pynk is owned by one of the most dynamic characters on the show, Uncle Clifford (she/her), played by Nicco Annan. Uncle Clifford is a non-binary, gender-fluid character who has a strict policy of no-nonsense. She is the embodiment of both masculine and feminine energies that are on full display when she steps in the room. She literally is the glue that holds not only the club together but also the delicate lives of the women who headline every night. Whether you are a current employee of The Pynk or an alum, Uncle Clifford has in one way or another came through for you in the clutch. In the first few episodes, we learn that The Pynk is in serious debt as Uncle Clifford has not been so wise with her money.
One thing she has is a big heart and will do anything for her girls, even if that means falling into debt. The Pynk is not only special because of the talent that resides inside, but it is also prime real estate for a new casino that is coming to this small town with promises of money for the city and especially its Mayor, Tydell Ruffin (played by Isaiah Washington). There is a battle for the waterfront property that The Pynk sits on, bringing tensions out between some of the city's key players. With the possibility of a new casino moving into town closing The Pynk, a wrench is thrown into everyone's plans to level up. What's even more intriguing is the romantic relationship Uncle Clifford finds with one of the club's frequent visitors.
Mercedes
P-Valley/STARZ
While Uncle Clifford is trying to hold on to her club, the ladies find themselves in troubles of their own. Mercedes, played by Brandee Evans, is the OG of The Pynk and knows the club and its patrons inside and out. She can spot a baller from a mile away just by looking at his watch and shoes. She is a money-maker and her skills on the pole are unmatched by most of the women in The Pynk. However, she is as smart as she is skilled, and has been stacking away her cash for years in the hopes to purchase a gym to train her teenaged dance team. Mercedes wants out of The Pynk and has a big motivation driving her to level up. However, an unlikely familial relationship threatens her possibility of achieving her dreams.
Hailey
P-Valley/STARZ
Hailey Colton, a.k.a Autumn Night (played by Elarica Johnson), comes into town on the heels of a disastrous hurricane that ripped everything from her life. Hailey is a newbie to stip club culture and is learning the inner workings of the club night by night. She is staying lowkey and trying her best to stay out of the way. Until she overhears a conversation with Andre (played by Parker Sawyers), the godson of the Mayor, and Corbin Kyle (played by Dan Johnson) about how The Pynk is right in the way of a major casino development deal and needs to be acquired. When she tells Uncle Clifford the tea, they form a plan for her to continue to get information to save The Pynk. This partnership is what helps Autumn to find friendship bonds inside of The Pynk, empowering her to take control of her life after the disaster. She begins to confront parts of her past while navigating The Pynk and finding herself again.
Keyshawn
P-Valley/STARZ
Keyshawn, played by Shannon Thornton, is a new mother struggling to find her identity while working at The Pynk. She is an amazing on-stage performer, but off-stage, her life is a wreck. She is constantly showing up late for work with her baby in tow and we soon find out that she is in a physically abusive relationship. With Mercedes leaving, Keyshawn has a chance to become the new headlining act at The Pynk which empowers her to become bolder in her life. However, her relationship still leaves its physical marks on her life and she struggles to maintain. Diamond, played by Tyler Lepley, the super handsome and quite mysterious bouncer at The Pynk, keeps a watchful eye over Keyshawn from a distance. Recently, Keyshawn learns of a secret relationship happening inside of The Pynk and makes an unlikely business partner.
It's the storytelling for me! This show is revolutionary in its handling of women's empowerment through the lens of a female-centric voice in the gentlemen's club. Each character is deep and textured in their own right. You get wrapped up in each of their lives and root for them to find their way. As the season comes to an end, the fate of The Pynk and its beautiful ladies is decided. Each one of their stories will culminate and decide what their legacies will be. It has been one helluva ride for the characters and The Pynk has been the real "ride or die'' hero.
One lesson learned at The Pynk is that legacy and your story matters.
In honor of P-Valley's weekly homage to female empowerment, we asked a few women what unapologetic female empowerment means to them. Here's what they had to say.
"It's a marathon, not a race."
P-Valley/STARZ
"Unapologetic female empowerment is understanding that 'it's a marathon, not a race' and that applauding another Queen takes absolutely nothing from you. As women, we all have something unique within in us that no one can take away. We all deserve a seat at the table in our own right. Celebrating your sisters is liberating and it looks good on you. Unapologetic female empowerment brightens you up."
"I tap into a sisterhood that supports me and uplifts me daily. It is such an exhilarating feeling to be surrounded by a circle of women that continuously pour into my creativity and cheer me on. Those are the moments that I remember when I'm having tough times. The womanhood around me is solid and loving. I love collaborating on projects with my friends and being able to assist with bringing their visions to life. When I'm winning, they are winning and the level of support is literally a revolving door. I practice unapologetic female empowerment by highlighting and supporting black women-owned businesses. By sharing kind words and inspiration to sisters. I practice listening without inserting myself or personal experiences; giving a safe haven for my sisters to be heard with no interruptions.
"I feel most connected with myself and my body as a woman when I'm roller-skating and embracing my most authentic self. I love expressing myself artistically through movement and tapping into my sexuality. I love wearing lingerie and dancing with my homegirls. I feel most connected with my womanhood when I submerge myself in moments of love and I'm patient with my journey. Whenever I'm taking care of my skin, exercising, or shaving my head bald I feel like a free woman." - Sydney Blaylock, writer, slayer, skater
"Saying how you feel is divine feminine energy."
P-Valley/STARZ
"Unapologetic female empowerment means holding your head up high and not feeling as if you need to shrink yourself to make others feel comfortable. Black women are so apologetic. Saying how you feel or handling business without leading with, 'I'm sorry but...' is divine feminine energy."
"I have a retreat company where I curate spaces for Black women to release, relax, and unwind. During one of our sessions on the trip I had women write out what they loved about another woman on the trip, then we exchanged the papers. We each stood up and read what was on the paper. No one knew who wrote the compliment or who it was for which allowed each woman to find her own self in each of the affirmations. I say my prayers out loud. When I started to pray out loud, I noticed how powerful my words became. Because I knew they were powerful, I was more cognizant of what my prayer was. I began to say what I was thankful for more. I said thank you more in general.
"In praying to God, I was also affirming myself. We are essentially made in the image of the Almighty. Would you talk to God any old way? Not at all. By speaking words of empowerment and creating affirmations of thanks and positivity, I was able to be vulnerable in myself, in my womanhood to appreciate all parts of this journey."
"After having a baby, my body changed dramatically. I had to accept curves in certain places they hadn't been before. I also had to intentionally work out to not let those curves get out of hand! Ultimately though, one day I looked at my body and told her thank you. This body had birthed my daughter. This body was capable. This was the body of a mother, a grown woman. If I could look at other women and find their beauty, I had to find the beauty in myself." - Shanicia Boswell, writer, speaker, founder
"Fixing a woman's crown without letting the world know it was crooked."
P-Valley/STARZ
"To me, unapologetic female empowerment means fixing a woman's crown without letting the world know it was crooked. It means covering my sisters with love, grace, and gratitude even when they can't see it in themselves. It means standing up to a world that tells Black women they aren't enough and reminding that woman of the fact that she's forever a queen in my eyes."
"I feel uplifted every time I step in the room with my xoTribe. I felt this way on a spiritual level during my first GirlTrek encounter. I found myself crying many times in many rooms with many women who knew and understood my pain. It was f*cking phenomenal. I've struggled with anxiety and depression my entire life and I'm finally learning to be OK with the things I haven't mastered––cleaning a home and making it spotless is one of them. Although I've always felt embarrassed and guilty for not being the best housekeeper, hiring one reminded me that I don't have to be good at everything. Coming home to a clean and organized house for maybe the first time in my whole life made me feel like I could take over the world.
"Thankfully, my job gives me an opportunity to uplift and empower women every single day. Between interviewing dope women and creating a space for others to publish their work, I'm constantly on the lookout for ways to help women shine their light on the world. To feel connected with self, I do my makeup. I take nude pictures of myself and save them in my camera roll for my own personal admiration. I take a bath with Ashwagandha- and Eucalyptus-infused bath salts. I moisturize my body from head-to-toe with a sweet-smelling lotion that is for the enjoyment of nobody but my damn self. I call the people I love so that they can remind me of who I am and I reminisce on old pictures to remember where I came from." - Pretty Honore, Senior Editor
"Meeting women where they are as who they are."
P-Valley/STARZ
"Unapologetic female empowerment means standing in solidarity with women whose intersectional identity might not look like yours. It's ensuring that we extend the same hopefulness and encouragement to women (non-binary and binary) regardless of their sexual orientation, career path, or gender pronouns. It's thinking we all deserve more than the patriarchal violence we face on a day-to-day basis."
"I have more recently manifested a lot of great relationships that are budding sisterhoods but the connection has yet to grow strong enough for it to tap into my sense of womanhood. I'm hopeful that many of them will though, I simply believe there is more inner work that is required on my end. I recently felt the opposite of empowered in dealing with men. There is one guy who minimally sexually harasses me every time we speak. Each time I simply I ignore him, and I feel as though I have failed for not speaking up for myself.
"However, in sifting through my feels and my discomfort around telling him his actions were inappropriate, I further understood (in a way that I think will allow me to genuinely hold them closer moving forward) how difficult it has been for every woman who has been sexually assaulted and asked, 'Why now?' when they come forward in their own time. It's because the patriarchy, at times, snuffs the empowerment out of us and replaces it with fear bound by paralysis. And I have come to find that pulling back those layers of patriarchy and unlearning the ways we've been taught to hate other women by questioning their choice, autonomy, and voice is empowering.
"If there is ever a moment where my thoughts or actions don't align with my mission, I stop and ask myself why that is. There are times when this tough love mentality that so many Black women inherit gets in the way of genuine empowerment! And overall, my day-to-day acts of empowerment is meeting women where they are as who they are, which I cannot do if my first instinct is to always criticize or withhold love because it was withheld from me."
"A lot of my connectedness to self comes from spending time with myself. Sometimes this looks like having engaging dialogues with myself, about myself and the room for growth. At other times it looks like me spending quality time with myself, may it be a movie date (obviously pre-covid) or sex. I've been single for quite some time, so I've learned not to be embarrassed by my desire to have certain needs met and as often as possible fulfilling them on my own. I slap my own ass, make passionate love to myself with the help of my Hitachi, and sometimes lazy love myself while preparing for a nap. In a nutshell, I feel most connected to myself when I'm listening to and honoring my needs." - Kiarra Sylvester, writer
Catch the season finale of P-Valley this Sunday night at 8PM ET/PT on STARZ and on the STARZ app.
Featured image via STARZ
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How This New Bond Repair Line Transformed One Mother's Postpartum Shedding Into The Ultimate Curl Comeback
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
For Crystal Obasanya, her wash day woes came shortly after her son did. The beauty and lifestyle content creator had been natural for years, but during postpartum, she quickly learned about one reality many mothers can relate to experiencing: postpartum hair loss. “Sis had thinning hair. Sis had split ends,” she shared about her hair changes in a Reel via xoNecole.
Over a year into her postpartum journey, Crystal explained she also had dry, brittle hair, noting that keeping it hydrated before pregnancy had already been “a task.” The 4C natural recalled going from thick hair during pregnancy to a thin hairline due to postpartum shedding as “devastating.” When it came to strengthening and revitalizing her hair, the new SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection was just the thing she needed to elevate her damaged coils to revive and thrive status and get them poppin' again.
SheaMoisture is providing us with the cheat code for transforming dry and damaged strands into thriving and deeply nourished crowns. By unveiling their 4-step hair system, the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is equipping you with the tools to reverse signs of hair damage caused by protective styling, heat, and color and is uniquely formulated for Type 3 and 4 hair textures.
The haircare system revives damaged natural hair by repairing and rebuilding broken hair bonds through a game-changing combination of HydroPlex Technology and AminoBlend Complex, a unique blend of fortifying amino acids formulated specifically for curly and coily hair. Scientifically proven to reduce breakage by 84% and make your hair six times stronger (vs. non-conditioning shampoo), the collection infuses your hair with the nourishment it craves and the strength it deserves.
All five products of the SheaMoisture Bond Collection are infused with natural strengthening ingredients like Amla Oil and fair-trade shea butter. The collection consists of the 4-step breakage-fighting Bond Repair system, as well as the Bonding Oil.
“When trying it out, I quickly noticed that my hair felt revived and renewed, and my curls were so hydrated,” Crystal said while using the Amla-infused Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner. “I also felt my hair strands were stronger.” So much so that the influencer felt brave enough to get her hair braided shortly thereafter. “I can definitely say that I will be keeping it in my hair wash routine,” she added in the caption of her Reel about her positive experience using the products.
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The Bond Repair Collection Shampoo is the first step in the 4-step Bond Repair system, all of which are powered by the uniquely formulated AminoBlend, and HydroPlex, SheaMoisture’s technology that rebuilds hair strength at its core.
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Tailored to repair styling damage, this creamy conditioner locks in 12x more moisture than standard non-conditioning shampoos, boosting damaged hair strength by 1.5x with significantly less breakage. The creamy SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Conditioner deeply hydrates, enhances manageability, and leaves your hair looking healthier and shinier.
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This Ultra Moisturizing reparative masque is a moisture-rich game-changer for those dealing with the aftermath of hair damage caused by styling. The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Masque delivers 13 times more moisture compared to non-conditioning shampoos, ensuring your hair feels nourished and soft. Designed to repair and rejuvenate, this masque significantly strengthens damaged hair — making it twice as strong while reducing breakage.
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Elevate your curl game with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner. Lightweight and hydrating, the Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner provides 12x more moisture than non-conditioning shampoos and tames frizz with 24-hour humidity control. Designed to define curls and coils, the leave-in conditioner enhances softness and shine allowing you to detangle effortlessly.
Bonding Oil
The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Bonding Oil is a multitasking all-in-one formula that acts as a heat protectant and provides the hair with moisture, strength, shine, damage protection, and intense nourishment. This lightweight oil not only offers 24-hour frizz and humidity control but also fortifies your tresses, making them up to 5 times stronger with significantly less breakage.
Featured image courtesy
8 Semi-Uncomfortable Things That MUST Be Discussed Before Marriage
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. It’s a saying that virtually all of us have heard before, and yet, isn’t it interesting that, when it comes to things like marriage, far too many people are reactive instead of proactive? Take premarital counseling, for example. If folks are doing it at all (and not nearly enough are, trust me), they tend to wait until after they have gotten engaged and even set a date.
Yeah, I’m not a fan of that because, once you’ve already “locked in” on that level, going to see a marriage counselor or life coach is pretty much only seen as a mere formality. In other words, you’re not really looking to dive deep to see if there are some potential red, orange, or even yellow flags — you’re just going to a couple of sessions because it sounds like the right thing to do.
And because of that mindset, far too many people go into marriage totally blindsided and/or thinking that they can deal with things later and/or believing that love (which usually is some emotional version, not the biblical one — I Corinthians 13) will conquer all — and because of that, divorce court ends up becoming their reality. If not semi-immediately…eventually.
That’s why I write articles like this. Wisdom says that if you want to get into something as serious as marriage and you’re going to look someone in their eyes and vow to be with them for the rest of your lives, you both should know as much as possible about what you’re getting yourselves into…beforehand.
The following eight questions can help to lead the way when it comes to this…
1. Childhood Issues
A few nights ago, I found myself getting caught up in a movie on HBO Max calledOn Chesil Beach. It drags, so I’m not (necessarily) recommending it. However, it does help to drive home this first point that I’m trying to make because it’s all about the purely excruciating wedding “night” of a couple who waited to (attempt to) consummate their marriage. Although for a lot of it, the wife was pretty annoying, you do get glimpses of her childhood that help to shed light on all of her excuses and hesitancy (and there was A LOT of both).
If you do happen to want to watch the film, I won’t give all of what happens away. What I will say is that one of the main reasons why going to premarital counseling is so important is you and your bae should talk about childhood issues.
Listen, as one of my favorite quotes says, “Adulthood is surviving childhood.” Meaning, a lot of times, marriages struggle because it’s not two healed adults who are in the relationship; it’s more like two wounded (on some level, at least) kids who are trying to make a valiant attempt at an adult dynamic.
I know many people who grew up in hella dysfunctional homes who simply said, “I will never be like my parents when I grow up,” only to turn around and be just like them. How did that happen? It’s because of something that I tell a lot of my clients: we tend to do what’s familiar, not what’s right. The main way to prevent that from happening is by being open and honest about where we come from, how it all affected/infected/impacted us, and then getting help, if needed, before jumping the broom.
2. Greatest Heartbreak
Although I’m not sure that there is solid data on what I’m about to say, I stand ten toes down on the fact that I don’t think that men look to “fall in love” multiple times. If anything, they have a first love, their wife, and possibly someone in between. Why? Because contrary to what social media likes to cram down our throats about men, many men when they fall, they fall very hard and are all in. Case in point, I can’t tell you how many guys have told me how much of an influence their first love has had on them — even to this day. And when something monumental happens, it can totally change you (check out “Your Soulmate Might Be The One Who Broke You”).
That’s why I also think it’s a good idea for you and your man to discuss what your greatest heartbreak was like — past (how it affected you) and present (how you feel about the experience now). It can shed great light into how you see relationships and love and why you make some of the decisions that you now do. It can also help you both to express if there are still some unresolved issues that are dormant there because I can’t tell you how many clients I’ve had who, when things got rocky in their marriage, the very first place they went to was Facebook or Instagram to see what their “long lost love” has been up to.
A writer by the name of Jodi Picoult once said, “Once you had put the pieces back together, even though you may look intact, you were never quite the same as you'd been before the fall.” Both of you discussing how this saying relates to this particular topic can, as I put it, “cover up mouseholes.” What I mean by that is, by getting it all out in the open, your partner will be able to know your wounds and weaknesses in that area and offer up some support and even protection — in ways you, he, or both may not have known was needed…until the topic was actually brought up.
3. Financial Habits
You know, I find it very interesting how the Good Book says that the LOVE of money is the root of all evil (I Timothy 6:10), and yet, pretty much any time I tiptoe out to see what social media is yapping — sorry, I mean talking — about, “broke” comes up incessantly. Listen, should you want to be with someone who is financially savvy and stable? 1000 percent. Should you also be the kind of person who you want to be with? 10,000 percent.
That said, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in a premarital session and asked both people what their credit score was, only for them to look at me like I asked them to strip naked or something. LOL. Well, I guess, in a way, it’s the same thing because nothing reveals someone’s financial stuff like their credit score and what they’ve got in their savings account. Yet if you’re thinking that your soon-to-be spouse isn’t going to find all of that out anyway, you’re caught up in some sort of delusion that I’m not sure any therapist can get you out of.
Personally, I think that engaged couples should hire a financial advisor and get a financial mentor (preferably a married couple) to comb through both of their finances so that they can see each other’s current state, areas of strengths and weaknesses, and so they can come up with a financial plan for their first, third and fifth year of marriage.
You know, although actually the top reason for divorce these days has a lot to do witha lack of support (emotionally and otherwise),financial stuff is still up there. A part of the reason for that is that there’s no way around the fact that marriage is a business contract (among other things). If you’re signing up to do business with someone, you need to know what their finances look like. That’s common sense 101.
4. Character Weaknesses
Anyone who knows me knows that if someone tells me that they believe that they’ve met “the one,” while they are acting like that person is an angel on earth, the marriage life coach (and “Shellie”) in me is like, “Uh-huh. What are their character flaws, though?” It’s not to break their spirit or be a Debbie Downer or anything; it’s just that I have watched too many marriages crash and burn because they didn’t ask themselves questions like that before saying, “I do.”
For instance, one of my friends (who, yes, happens to be divorced now) told me that he had met who he believed was his soulmate; when I asked him about her potential character weaknesses, one of the things that he casually said was, “I mean, she has a bit of a jealousy streak but…” Umm, sir — you are handsome and an entertainer and you’re going to marry a jealous woman? Hacked emails and tons of drama later, he admits that he wished that he hadn’t underestimated that side of her personality.
Listen, no one is perfect — not by far. In fact, if you’re mature in your thinking, a part of what marriage is designed to do is give you the kind of accountability partner that will offer a safe space for you to address, refine, and improve some things about yourself.
However, in order for you and your partner to be able to do that, you need to know what those things are — and that needs to be discussed well before your wedding day, preferably in the presence of a reputable marriage therapist, counselor, or life coach who can help you to figure out what to do with the intel that the both of you are sharing.
5. Poor Boundaries
When you sign up to become someone’s spouse, your wedding day, in part, is about declaring to everyone that you want to make them the top priority in your life under God himself. And in order to keep anything from affecting that, you need to have some solid boundaries. Boundaries, at the end of the day, are nothing more than limits — and yes, you need to have limits as far as how much your family can know about your relationship, what your friends can and cannot speak on, and what kind of decisions y’all will make that, quite frankly, is no one else’s business…including the internet’s (because A LOT of people out here like to be passive aggressive about their relationship online).
Does it take a village to “raise a marriage?” In some ways, yes. However, when it comes to the vow-taking process, that is between a husband and his wife, and if they are religious, God. No one else made those promises and that means no one else should be as involved or invested as those two (or three) parties are.
Poor boundaries are the cause of so much drama in marriages and honestly, relationships, in general. You do not want to take the approach of, “We’ll figure out what limits we should have as problems present themselves.” Uh-uh. Talk about what your limits should look like ASAP, and make sure that you mutually agree on them too. This point alone can save your marriage more than just about anything else on here.
(P.S. A great book for you to check out isBoundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships. It’s by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.)
6. Perspectives on Daily Lifestyle
Something else that I’ve observed while working with married folks (and talking to older couples in Cracker Barrel; believe it or not, the marriage advice in there is top-notch!) is marriages tend to end, not so much because of one “big” thing that happened — it’s more like it’s due to the culmination of a lot of little ones.
Take how a person lives, for instance. I’ve dealt with couples where the wife was appalled by her husband not wiping the toilet seat, and the same husband was disgusted by her dishes being left in the sink overnight. A couple of weeks of this, and it’s whatever. Oh, but let it be some years? You’d be surprised.
It can actually be quite sobering to take a moment to ponder and process that, at least when you sign up for a traditional marriage, you’re signing up to share a home, bed, and life — for the rest of your life. If there are certain things that are super “icks” for you, if there are certain chores that you absolutely hate, if there are little pet peeves like sleeping with the television on or your partner being a morning person when you aren’t — you had better bring all of this stuff up now.
Many people have assumed that love will supersede peace when it comes to daily living. Chile, the reality is that you can love a lot of people who you just can’t live with. Please don’t find that out after taking vows and filling out paperwork. Discuss as much as possible about the day-to-day of how you both move, just as soon as you possibly can.
7. Patterns in Past Relationships
In interviews, some folks will ask me what I think about the whole “Does knowing someone’s body count really matter?” debate (check out “6 Things About The Whole 'Body Count' Debate That Should Be Discussed”). As it relates to this particular article, two things: one, check out TIME’s article, “How Previous Sexual Partners Affect Offspring,” when you get a chance. Secondly, let’s do it like this: if you were to find out that your boyfriend used to beat up on his girlfriends, but he hasn’t done it in a couple of years, would “That’s in the past” suffice as his rationale? BE HONEST.
No matter how nonchalant our culture chooses to be about sex, how we decide to move in that space is about more than recreation and experiencing orgasms. So yes, knowing about your past in this realm can shed light on your mindset, your perspective, and even some of your patterns — not just your sexual past, but your past, in general.
Anyone who wants to give pushback on that, I’ll just say this: it is human nature to brag about things that we’re proud of. When it comes to your sexual past, if you’re hiding or deflecting concerning it, why is that? And what would make you think that, eventually, the things that you are suppressing won’t somehow come out anyway? Real talk, a great sign that you’re over something or someone is when you can bring it or them up — not when you’re doing everything in your power to avoid it/them.
And when it comes to past relational patterns overall — have you always been the one to do most of the work? Do you tend to flee when things get too challenging? Do you ever stop to think about what you did wrong? Do you tend to handle things with ultimatums? Do you treat relationships as projects? Do you avoid things with sex? Do you not communicate your innermost feelings well?
A pattern is something that you do over and over, oftentimes very naturally. When it comes to the men of your past, what qualifies as a pattern for you? Getting married doesn’t miraculously make those patterns go away. Discussing them can help you to get to the root of those issues and if you need to break some of them on the front end.
8. Media Programming
A quote that I find myself saying often is by The Doors singer, Jim Morrison: “Whoever controls the media, controls the mind.” There is no way around the fact that media influences and impacts society on some pretty monumental levels (you can read more about thathere,here, andhere) — and so to think that what you take in when it comes to television programs that you view, movies that you watch, books that you read and social media accounts that you follow aren’t affecting you? That is some serious denial that you are in.
Case in point. I have a friend who also works in mental health. Whenever his wife is watching some trash reality television (and boy, is there A TON of it), he says that she is way more touchy to the point of almost being combative than when she isn’t. One time, he instituted a two-week fast from reality television. He said that the first week was rough for her, which caused her to realize that she was way more attached to the shows than she thought. The second week, she was calmer and far more peaceful (her words, not his). Did she totally give reality television up? I mean, we’re all a work in progress, right? LOL. She does watch it less, though, and their marriage is running smoother because of it.
As we close all of this out, definitely an underestimated influence in marriage is the media. Find out what your partner likes and why. See where the two of you are in sync, where you’re not, and what you think the compromises should be. Otherwise, you could end up with someone who is making judgment calls about your relationship based on what some random on TikTok said — you’d be amazed how many people do that. And it’s a damn shame that they do.
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There’s a reason why this article has the title that it does. Getting real — and I mean, really real — about relationships isn’t always the most comfortable thing to do; however, it is beneficial.
And what, after (genuinely) addressing things like this, you find out that you’re not as compatible as you thought? Eh. That doesn’t have to be the end of the world. Either — again, with the help of a marriage expert — figure out how to compromise or, if you ultimately can’t find enough common ground…as I oftentimes say, It’s always better to break up before marriage than divorce after it.
Words to live by. Promise you that.
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