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![Yes. Married Folks Need Single Friends (Male And Female).](https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNTQzMjE3Mi9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTc0ODEwNDI4NX0.zgrjrvPcq0n7OGs5s9oyRFHbxTrIP5elVgyPKdjMxCI/img.jpg?width=1200&height=600&quality=90&coordinates=0%2C66%2C0%2C101)
Yes. Married Folks Need Single Friends (Male And Female).
Some of y'all probably remember the movieThe Wedding Planner (Jennifer Lopez, Matthew McConaughey). Whenever I reflect back on it (which I actually do more than I would like to due to being a marriage life coach), something that immediately comes to mind is a "rule" that Jennifer Lopez's character had when it came to engaged couples. She could tell, based on the first dance song they shared together, just how long their marriage was gonna last.
Well, over the years, I have come up with some other dead ringers that two people's marriage is headed towards some pretty bumping waters if they don't switch up their thinking a bit—thinking that sex shouldn't be a priority; believing that a difference in religions isn't "that big of a deal"; thinking that sucking at money management (whether it's one person or both) isn't gonna cause a ton of problems up the road; feeling like they don't "marry someone's family" (you don't but you do have to deal with them a lot and/or the after-effects of your spouse's family's influence on them); not discussing gender role expectations (whether you have some or none at all); overlooking triggers that already kinda piss you off about the one you're seeing (marriage only magnifies what already exists), and thinking that marriage means that you shouldn't have single and/or opposite sex friends.
Each one of these deserve a hearty "what in the world are you thinking?!" article; however, you can tell from the title of this piece what we'll be exploring today. As someone whose friend pool consists of mostly married people at this point, there are a few reasons why I believe it is very important for married folks to have single friends—yes, male as well as female ones, for husbands as well as wives.
Single Friends Offer a Different Perspective
Relational status-wise, "single" means you're not married (even tax forms cosign on this). I don't know what makes so many people think it also means that we as singles don't have any kind of insight, experience or common sense when it comes to matters of the heart. Good lord. And here's the thing—I often tell my clients that sometimes it's a good idea to have a single counselor/therapist/life coach and to see a married couple from time to time. The reason why is because it is very difficult for married folks to counsel without bringing their own marriage into the mix and the reality is each marriage is different—meaning, what works for one couple may absolutely not work for another. Not only that but based on how a married person feels about their relationship or spouse at the time that you seek them out, their advice could be great or really jaded.
Singles on the other hand—it's like there is oftentimes a very "detached approach" in the sense that we oftentimes just see whatever a husband or wife is talking about for what it is. Because of that, our perspective isn't so emotionally driven and that can actually be helpful at times.
Single people read books. Singles check out podcasts. Singles have (usually) had relationships before. Singles pray and meditate. Singles want to see the people they care about win. (Many) singles have great knowledge and common sense. Know what else? A lot of singles are single by choice, so them not being married shouldn't be seen as a disqualifier so much as a personal preference—one that is oftentimes based in profound wisdom.
Having single friends when you're married can help you to look at things from an "outside looking in" angle that you might not get any other way. That's just one reason to consider having them as friends, even if you are in a marital union.
Single Friends Can Give Married People the Opportunity to Do Certain Things That You Enjoy
When you're married, it's a part of who you are—a big part even. Know what? It's still not your entire identity, though. I can't tell you how many people that I have to remind that no one is—or should be—their everything. Believing that your spouse should be exactly that is not only a low-key form of idolatry, it will set you up to be quite disappointed, many times over. Because, again, no one is supposed to check every box and fill every void. This is another reason why having single friends can be a cool thing because the things that your spouse may not be interested or like to do, you can do those things with your single friends—and spending time with those friends can make you value your marriage all the more once you return home.
Now, what I will say on this particular point is hanging out with an opposite sex friend and no one else could get a little dicey simply because intimate time is well…intimate time. Yet even in this case, a good opposite sex friend is totally on the up and up and therefore, will have no problem spending time with you, even if it's at your house with your spouse present. Maybe it's to see a movie that your husband couldn't care less about or to have dinner with the both of you that features a dish that only they would appreciate. Bottom line, single friends can keep you from resenting your spouse if there are things that you like that they don't because you've got those friends to share those experiences with. It can actually take some pressure off of your hubby. That's always beneficial.
Single Friends Can Be a Great Support System to Married Couples
I have close married male and female friends. Their spouse knows I exist and most of them even have my phone number (the ones who don't, don't want it). The reason why is because I get the "two are now one" (which is biblical, by the way—Genesis 2:24-25) concept. Besides, if I am a good friend to my folks, this means that I want all that personally affects them to thrive—their marriage included. And you know what? I can't think of one friend whose spouse has an issue with my being friends with their partner. Now, I will say that a big part of this is because the spouse has met me and even had a few conversations with me before. Also, when it comes to my male married friends, none of them are someone I've had any kind of romantic or sexual history with (that kind of dynamic is another article for another time). And perhaps being a marriage life coach helps. Yet you know what I believe the biggest part is? My married friends and their spouse know that I am a huge fan of marriage and I make it clear that being friends with married folks means that I am an advocate for their relationship.
A couple of years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, "Why Every Engaged Couple Needs A 'Marriage Registry'". When you get a chance, check it out because it touches on different ways that different people can support a marital relationship in some very specific ways. Any couple who's been married for more than a couple of years knows that it doesn't just take a village to raise a child, it oftentimes takes a village to support a marriage too. Healthy, happy and mature single people can be supportive in some pretty extraordinary ways from being a listening ear and prayer partner to helping to plan a special occasion with your partner or being willing to watch your kids. Every marriage needs support. Single folks can offer help and encouragement. Try it. It might just blow your mind how good we are at it.
Single Friends (Typically) Have More Availability
I don't go to a ton of weddings. The long-short of the reason is because I think wedding ceremonies are very sacred events and, like many officiants say, "It's a union that should be entered into soberly and not lightly." To me, it's a celebration, for sure. At the same time, it's not just a party or merely something to do on any given weekend. That said, the few I have gone to when a close friend is jumping the broom, I often get laughed at. It's because I'm sometimes crying more than just about everyone else. Why? I'll be real—I'm happy for my peeps yet I'm grieving as well because I know that the friendship is about to change. My newly married friend won't have the same kind of time they once did. They can't just "link up" whenever they want to because they've got other priorities. In short, their availability is gonna be quite different, moving forward.
Me? Not so much. Yes, I have a life—a full one, thank you very much; still, my friends can call me at 2 a.m. to vent or cry and it's typically a lot easier for me to drop everything and come their way, if need be. I can't tell you how many "talk me off the ledge" midnight hour chats I've had with some of my married friends when their spouse was out of town or how often I've rerouted on the way to one place to head someplace else when a married friend needed an ear or shoulder.
Married friends only having married friends means that sometimes, they have to figure things out without anyone being able to truly have their back because their married friends are unavailable. Single friends can oftentimes stand in the gap in a way that makes them a real lifesaver.
Married Couples Can Share Wisdom/Insight with Single Friends
Whatever stage we are in life, hopefully, we are open to sharing what we've learned in order to help others. So, this next point about why married folks and single people should be friends is actually a reason that benefits the single demographic. About five years ago, I asked one of my closest friends to record a video on why she felt that single women should enjoy their single season (check out "Rissi Palmer- A married lady's words to single sisters" when you get a chance). She was able to offer up some "Girrrrl, GIRL" points that you can quite possibly intellectualize before saying "I do" yet feels totally different once you actually are somebody's wife.
In many ways, I see singles being friends with marriage folks as a form of tremendous relational support for husbands and wives and married folks being friends with single people being a form of uncanny knowledge for the unmarried. You know, far too many single women think that being married is better than the season they are currently in. Hmph. Talk to some of your married friends before jumping to such large conclusions. Everything comes with its pros and cons. Being married is definitely no exception.
BONUS: If Your Single Friend Can’t Be Trusted in Marriage, They Should’ve Never Been Trusted
I'm gonna end this on a point that has never made sense to me. Sometimes, when a married person will challenge me on why there is no need for them to have single friends—especially ones of the opposite sex—my immediate response is "Why?" If they even hint at the fact that they don't trust that kind of dynamic, almost always my response is, "So if you don't trust someone, why were you friends with them in the first place?"
Listen, while it is important to safeguard your relationship and create mutual boundaries in order to make that possible, if you've got a partner that wants to cheat, they will find a way to do it. Besides, "friend" is not a word that should be used casually. If you trusted someone enough to be in your wedding or even come to see you publicly profess your love if you trust someone enough to watch your children if you trust someone enough to hold some of your confidentialities—how can you not trust that they will remain trustworthy now that you've got a spouse?
Yeah, the issue shouldn't be whether or not singles can be friends with married folks—it's if you are choosing the right friends, regardless of their relational status to begin with.
As I shared earlier, when people get married, things change. To a certain extent, the dynamics of their friendships, whether their friends are single or married, is included. What I hope is this all will buck the notion that single friendships are an automatic no-no. A good friend is good friend. Single or not. Period.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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Love On The Brain: What Science Says Loving Someone Does To You Mentally
I dig science. A big part of the reason why is because I really enjoy researching the “whys” of things. While my father always liked that about me, my mother oftentimes had something slick to say about it (that’s another message for another time, chile). To me, it’s whatever. For better or for worse, I’m simply not someone who accepts that the sky is blue “just because” — put it on my daddy’s DNA, I guess; with no apologies in place, I almost always want to know why something is the way that it is.
And since I spend so much of my time working with couples and writing on relationships, I’m sure no one is shocked that I’ve done my due diligence when it comes to figuring out what is really going on in the minds of humans whenever they are hyped about being in love. While on the surface level, it might seem like I’m being cynical, I’m actually not. It’s more about…well, again, I’ve been working with couples and writing about relationships for so long at this point that I think it’s important for folks to know the difference between an “emotional surge” and a truly wise love decision — and being aware of the role that the brain plays when we think that we’re in love with someone? That can help to bring some perspective and clarity into all of this.
So, whether you’re in something new and you’re currently on cloud nine, you’ve been in something for a while now and you’re wondering if you’ve “lost that loving feeling” or if you’re borderline on the verge of self-sabotage or, you’re like me, and you simply like to know random information just because — I’ve got 10 things that might be of interest to you as far as what science says love can literally do to you on the mental tip.
It’s fascinating stuff, indeed.
1. Dopamine Gets Activated
It’s pretty interesting thatdopamine is a type of neurotransmitter that plays a significant role in things like how you are able to experience pleasure or create memories because both of those are quite relevant when you’re in love with someone. Well, according to science, when you feel like you truly love an individual, dopamine gets activated on a whole ‘nother level to the point where you not only feel euphoric but,it’s at the level of what alcohol or a cocaine high can produce (have mercy!) I’m not exaggerating, either.
In fact, Medical News Today once published an article entitled, “Falling In Love Hits The Brain Like Cocaine Does.” Hmm…makes you wonder if some people run up outta there marriages, not because there’s really anything “wrong”; it’s just that they have crashed from their “cocaine high” and no one prepared them for how to handle it (get into premarital counseling, engaged folks; it makes all the difference in the world!). Also,as far as dopamine goes, when men are “falling” for a woman, it’s dopamine and vasopressin that increase, while, for women, it’s dopamine and oxytocin. During sex, vasopressin drops in men, while oxytocin increases when a woman climaxes. The more you know.2. Euphoria Increases
Let’s go a little bit deeper into the whole euphoria thing. At the end of the day, euphoria is about intensity. I mean, a part of the reason whythe series Euphoria has been so popular (and jarring) is that it showshow drug abuse can put people into a euphoric state — at first in a pleasurable way and eventually on a devastating level. When it comes to love, some experts say that three stages transpire when you feel like you’re in a love-related euphoric state:arousal, attraction, and attachment. And you know what? If you aren’t intentional about doing what Ben Franklin once said (“If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”), you could find yourself being on a roller coaster of emotions without having a relationship that consists of much stability. Yeah, euphoria increasing can be problematic as hell if you don’t get all of what comes with that.
3. Oxytocin Surges
When it comes to the articles that I’ve written on love, sex, and relationships on this platform, I don’t know if there’sany hormone that I’ve shouted out more than oxytocin. That’s because there are countless amounts of intel supporting the fact thatit bonds people through things like hand-holding, cuddling, kissing, and definitely sex. That’s whysome experts say that oxytocin can cause people to become “single-minded” about a person, it cancultivate feelings of trust, and it can literallycreate physiological changes that cause you to seek out your love interest.
This is a part of the reason why, when people declare that they are “in love” after say, a one-night stand, my mind immediately thinks, “Eh. Sounds more like an oxytocin surge.” You don’t know them well enough to love them; you can “love” how they make you feel, though. It’s essential to know the difference.
4. Fear Decreases
Now, this is an interesting one. Something else that science says happens when people are in love is the neural pathway that is associated with things like fear and judgment. It actually deactivates itself (chile…CHILE). Yep, some studies reveal that the part of your brain that encourages you to make “critical assessments” of individuals. When you feel like you love them, that shuts down. As a direct result, in walks the rose-colored glasses, and out goes the red flags. And that’s why, when I recently read that a particular actor didn’t heed some warnings from her friends regarding her new relationship, I literally shook my damn head.
When you’re all in love, especially in the beginning stages, having folks around who don’t feel the same ways about the person as you do can actually help you out in the long run, so long as they are good friends with a solid track record, they are going to notice some things that your neural pathway is keeping you from paying close attention to. Yeah, y’all be careful out there.
5. Your Prefrontal Cortex Slows Down
Speaking of desensitized senses, something else that transpires when you’re caught up in someone isyour prefrontal cortex becomes sluggish. Why is this problematic? Well, that’s where the logical part of your brain is housed. This means that when you love someone, you may not be the best at making sound and practical decisions. Although I don’t agree with an article that said this means that love is illogical (love is sound, sane, and stable; it’s folks who jack relationships up…not love), I do think all of this is a reminder that you must rely on more than just how someone makes you feel when you’re trying to decide who to build a life with. Moving on.
6. Your Hypothalamus Revs Up Your Sex Hormones
I don’t know about y’all, but I don’t know too many people who aren’t attracted to the object of their love and affection. And so, when you do fall in love, something else that happens isthe part of your brain known as the hypothalamus stimulates your ovaries while it also stimulates your man’s testicles — and that is what makes you feel an overwhelming feeling of desire (i.e., lust) for your partner.
7. Your Brain’s “Reward Circuit” Lights All the Way Up
Speaking of longing for your partner, three parts of your brain — the amygdala, the hippocampus, and the prefrontal cortex — are known as its “reward circuit,” and whenever you even speak about your bae, this is the part of your brain that lights up like a Christmas tree. Something that’s really interesting about this particular point is, that while this is happening, your serotonin levels typically drop.
Why does this matter? Well, serotonin helps to keep your anxiety levels in balance, and it also helps you to regulate your appetite(s). This would automatically cause me to believe that people who struggle with love addiction probably have a low level of serotonin operating in their system.
Oh, speaking of serotonin, although you may never think to get your hormone levels checked strictly to learn more about how you’re acting/reacting in your romantic relationship,I also found it interesting that people who have more dopamine in their system tend to take more risks when it comes to love while those who have more serotonin are usually far more cautious. Meaning, that how you are in your relationship(s) may not be just about your personality; your hormone levels tend to have a say as well.
8. Your Anterior Cingulate Cortex May Make You Obsessive
Your anterior cingulate cortex is the part of your brain that’s associated with things likemotivation and action. Anyway, since overactivity in this part of the brain is oftentimes linked to things like obsessive-compulsive disorder,some researchers believe that the reason why some people seem to think obsessively about their partner, almost to the point of obsession, if they don’t stay on top of it, is because of how their brain reacts to their attachment to their partner.For the record, this is also the part of your brain that literally lights up whenever you see your partner, too.
9. Vagus Nerves “Sync Up”
Your vagus nerves are a part of your nervous system that starts at your brain and runs through your digestive tract. This makes them an integral part of things like your immunity, your speech, your moods, and your heart rate. As far as your brain goes, some studies reveal that after a couple has been together for a longer period of time, it’s not uncommon for their vagus nerves to “sync up” in the sense of having similar facial expressions and hand gestures being and even their hearts starting to beat at the same pace.As a direct result, the syncing makes it easier for both individuals to make sacrifices for one another in order to remain together. Share that with your grandparents the next time you see them. #wink
10. If You’ve Been Together for a While, Your Angular Gyrus Becomes Stronger
Speaking of longevity, another perk that comes with couples who choose to go the distance is the part of their brain known astheir angular gyrus becomes more active. What’s actually sweet about this is that not only is this what makes it easier for you to learn complex languages, but you can also start to anticipate your partner’s actions with it too. As a direct result, science says that many couples can finish each other’s sentences — and it’s all because their angular gyrus has gotten stronger as a result of them staying committed.
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After reading all of this, how could anyone possibly look at being in love casually? There are far too many intricate parts at work — yes, literally. Yeah, when Rihanna sang about having “love on the brain,” she said more than a mouthful…whether she realized it or not.
And if you declare that you are in love, make sure to factor in what your brain is going through. Then choose wisely. Even your brain and mental health depend on it. Also…literally.
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