The first time you had sex, I'm sure it hurt. But you did it again, and again, and now it feels good. Our brains gravitate to what is most familiar, which is mostly pain. Over time, the hurt feels good and our brains encourage us to keep going back for more.
Three weeks ago, I decided to do a hardcore life purge. I made the decision to sell all my sh*t, let go everything that was familiar to me, and press the reset button on my reality. I've spent the better part of a year recovering from a tumultuous breakup that left my life in shambles. For months, I refused to move on.
Painful snapshots of our relationship are stuck in my head like I experienced them yesterday. Even after constantly reimagining the names he called me, which cut like a knife, or his hands around my neck during our last fight, I couldn't refrain from thinking, "But I love him."
The undying and unconditional compassion that I have for him is the only understanding that I have of love. I am self-destructively empathetic by nature and this characteristic has caused me to develop and seek out a definition of love that isn't true:
Love does not equal pain.
Kelis recently opened up about the emotional and physical abuse that she endured during her four-year marriage to Nas and her story was eerily familiar to my own. She and the rapper met when she was 22 and the two later married in 2005. This is the first and only time the singer has spoken out about her trauma and says that after nine years, she was ready to speak her truth.
"I have edited myself for nine years and I woke up this morning and was like, 'Not today.'"
In the interview with Hollywood Unlocked, Kelis was candid about the couple's avid substance abuse and and explosive arguments. She described in detail the physical and emotional trauma that they've managed to keep out of the public eye for all these years.
"We had like really intense highs and really intense lows. It was never normal. It's hard because there's no balance. There was no normalcy."
She said that an intense combination of fame and youth led them to serve equal roles in an increasingly toxic relationship. Kelis made the decision to exit the relationship when she was seven months pregnant and realized that she couldn't bring an innocent person into a life of chaos.
"It was really dark. There was a lot of drinking. There was a lot of mental and physical abuse. I probably would have stayed longer had I not been pregnant [with Knight] because I really did love him and because we were married. We weren't dating, we were married. Like, this was my person."
Many times we as lovers find ourselves in a similar situation, suffering in silence and trying to rationalize a f*cked up reality because "I love you." So often we as black women equate love to struggle and pain because that's the only example we've ever been given.
When the news broke about the domestic dispute between Chris Brown and Rihanna, Kelis says that she was fighting the same battle, but too embarrassed to talk about it publicly.
"I remember so clearly when the [Rihanna] pictures came out … 'cause I [also] had bruises all over my body at that time, I wasn't ready to walk [away]. I just wasn't. I'm not weak but I'm really private. I don't like people knowing my business. I felt like, 'This is my partner. I chose this. We're gonna do this, we're gonna make it work.'"
Kelis is an example of the fact that most times we cannot fix what was broken before we even got there. Be transparent enough to admit to yourself when your relationship is fruitless. An unproductive relationship is dead and will likely produce toxic results. If any of the following experiences seem familiar to you, it may be time to sew your seeds elsewhere.
Suffering in Silence
Kelis waited nine years to publicly confront the abuse she experienced. Many times we feel like our vulnerabilities make us weak, so we keep them private. We as black women are taught early that what happens at home, stays at home and this theory can sometimes be deadly. If you find yourself constantly making it a point to hide what you're going through from the ones you love, it's time to check in with yourself to make sure you're okay.
You Start Rationalizing Your Reality
He's only jealous because he loves me. We only fight because we're so passionate about each other. I can't really be upset with him, I did a lot of sh*t wrong too.
Domestic violence is never okay, no matter who did what first. If you find yourself making excuses for things that you know aren't right, it may be time to let it go.
The Bad Outweighs The Good
All relationships have highs and lows, but when you notice that the lows are more frequent than the good times, you should evaluate how much the relationship is really taking a toll on your emotional health.
Using External Means to Numb the Pain
We all like to free our minds from time to time, especially if we've had an especially hard day; but look out for signs that you or your partner may be using external substances to ease the pain. Kelis discussed how a lot of the turmoil between she and Nas took place while they were intoxicated, and I know the feeling. Drinking because we're fighting, and then fighting because we're drinking. Make sure you don't get caught up in the cycle before it's too late.
When asked if she believed that Nas was her soulmate, she said "yes."
"I did at the time. I believe in that now, but I don't know if that means it's right. Because it shouldn't hurt like that."
I also believe that my ex-boyfriend was my soulmate, but I understand that the love that we shared wasn't really love. It was pain wrapped up in good sex and a lot of weed smoke, but it felt damn good.
Our brains will always gravitate toward what's familiar: to me, that's pain, struggle, and unconditional forgiveness. As I pack my bags and throw out old birthday cards from my ex, my goal is to create a new paradigm and redefine what love means to me with the understanding that it doesn't have to hurt for it to be real.
Watch the full video below: (Starts at the 15-minute mark)
Featured image via Kelis/Instagram
- Kelis accuses ex Nas of physical abuse during marriage - CBS News ›
- Kelis claims Nas inflicted 'lots of mental and physical abuse' - NY ... ›
- Nasty: Kelis Details Enduring Physical Abuse From Nas, Says He ... ›
- Kelis Breaks Her Silence On Violent Marriage And Custody Battle ... ›
- Kelis Details Abusive Relationship With Nas: "I Had Bruises All Over ... ›
- Kelis alleges domestic violence during marriage to Nas | The FADER ›
- Kelis says Nas beat her throughout their marriage ›
- Kelis Details Her Violent Relationship and Custody Battle with Nas ›
- Nas and Kelis Finally Settle Custody Dispute over Son ›
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While an evolution is a natural progression that happens as businesses grow, a rebrand is a total change. Lola tells xoNecole, "A total rebrand is necessary when a business’s current reputation/what it’s known for is at odds with the business’s vision or direction.
"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
Feature image courtesy
The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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I remember calling my grandmother, who has since transitioned, and hearing the passion in her voice when she explained how she’d never thought she’d see something like this happen and how much it meant to her. As I reflect, I realize it’s a combination of memories like this that undoubtedly encouraged my will to vote.
However, as an adult, my reasoning behind the practice has developed. It’s no longer just about “the right thing to do.” I feel a responsibility to myself and my future to know the issues, how they impact me, and make a difference for others.
In the times we’re in, there's so much “news” everywhere. It’s hard to distinguish fact from opinion and bias from beliefs. This is why it was such a pleasure speaking with Jara Butler, Chief Impact Officer of Supermajority. Supermajority is an organization focused on making women the most powerful voting bloc in the country. During this authentic and informal conversation, we talked about so much.
I learned about her time working with the Obama campaign and how she masterfully worked in multiple industries, and we shared some of our favorite female rap moments. However, in the snapshot you’ll read, we focused on the issues. Jara walked xoNecole through what’s most affecting women of color in this election and what we can do to be more aware. Whether you’re a politics girlie or like me, just trying to gain more insight, hopefully this convo connects with you.
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xoNecole: Let’s just jump right in. What are some of the most popular issues that you hear Black women discussing related to this election?
Jara Butler: Our sister organization, the Supermajority Education Fund, recently did some research specifically looking at young women in the age group 18 to 35, and young Black women identified their economic well-being as a priority. Right now, we're in a place where a lot of us, especially young Black women, are finding that meeting those basic needs are harder and harder.
Secondly, is Project 2025. I think Black women see it as not just something that could happen, but actively happening. For example, we’ve all been watching the case with the Fearless fund, and how it's been targeted. We know Black women are very entrepreneurial. We can go back to Madam C.J. Walker and others who have opened the door for all of us to achieve. But if those barriers are in place, we're just not going to be able to meet that.
Lastly, Repro is a very big issue. But I think looking at it holistically and not just about abortion is important. Black women are more likely to talk about this from a perspective of our reproductive health care and the lack of access due to medical racism. As a Black woman myself, who's over 40, a lot of the changes that I am making in my life are because I have to do everything I can to put myself in a position, because I know no matter what my economic status is, if I walk into a medical office, there's a good chance I'm gonna face medical discrimination. Breast cancer screenings, colon cancer screening, ovarian cancer screening, cervical cancer screenings - all of those are part of that network of reproductive health.
xoN: Another issue I’d love your insight into is our missing girls. I think it's so unbelievable how much this is swept under the rug. There are so many stories about Black women that are continuing to go missing; I don’t understand how that’s not a bigger conversation. Is this something that can be pursued on the government level and what can we do to bring more attention to this issue?
Jara: We have this list of majority rules on our website, and my favorite one is: that our government represents us. I think that we have to continue to apply pressure to our government to meet our needs. And again, women are the majority of voters. Black women, especially, are the most reliable voting bloc across all groups, and our interests right now are not being met. So yes, there is something that we can do, but I also am a big proponent of us having these conversations.
My great-grandmother was enslaved, my grandmother was born into Jim Crow, and I watched my mother face economic insecurity. I say that because, as a Black community, we have to have an internal conversation to talk about these issues, and we have to do it upfront. I think we have to get into a position of realizing that we do have power, and how we activate that power.
Our power comes from being Black folks because Black people organizing has been enough to shake up and scare people. There were laws that prevented us from congregating together, even at church, because they knew what would happen when we got together. We have to get back into that. It's not that we are not doing it, but the urgency needs to be greater. And finally, we have to get away from depending on one individual to take us there. It's gonna take all of us.
"Our power comes from being Black folks because Black people organizing has been enough to shake up and scare people. There were laws that prevented us from congregating together, even at church, because they knew what would happen when we got together. We have to get back into that. It's not that we are not doing it, but the urgency needs to be greater."
xoN: I agree completely. Now, when we started, you mentioned money. So let’s talk about it. So many of us are starting businesses and getting degrees, and I love to see it. But everyone seems to still be having a lot of the same issues around finances. What are some of the underlying reasons behind this debt that we're dealing with, and how can voting influence these challenges without getting into the individual candidates?
Jara: Hello! Let’s talk about the money! Black women have been told that if we want to move ahead, we have to have that master's degree. We have to be twice as good. So we met that measure, right? But in order to do that, we have to pay for it. Up until about the 1970s college was absolutely affordable. You could work one job and pay for college with some money left over. That has changed.
Realistically, student loans are a barrier. They are a barrier to access housing. They impact our credit, and really and truthfully, depending on how much your loans are, they could affect you paying rent. It basically creates a cycle of debt. And I have real problems with people who say, get a degree in something that's going to make money. It’s about your skills, and if you have the skills, you should be able to earn a living. That covers that.
But the fact is that student loan debt continues to increase, and there have been attempts, more than once, to try to relieve some of that pressure. The reality is that this is a squeeze. It is a conundrum, and we see efforts by the current White House administration to try to alleviate those things, even when they are stopped.
But truly, Congress needs to step in and support this, but I would take it a step further. We should be considering and looking at what it would look like if we had free community colleges. Because what we have now is two generations of borrowers, because older millennials’ children are beginning to age. Black women have the highest degree of second-degree secondary education, but we carry like 1.7 trillion in debt or something like that. I can't remember the exact number, but basically, the majority of the student loan debt is ours.
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xoN: Speaking of college, obviously there’s a lot of discussion around affirmative action in the schools and the undergoing changes. How important is it to consider this topic, and are there any new laws or policies being proposed around this that we should be aware of?
Jara: Oh my goodness, affirmative action is one of the things that we saw that our sister site, the Supermajority Education Fund, found last year as a number two issue for young women. I actually hypothesized that it was a real thing, and it was. And the reason for that is that affirmative action as a whole has been something that benefited white women more than any other group.
However, what is happening is that we’re using the word DEI in a way that is derogatory. I’ve heard people refer to it as: “didn't even earn it.” And as a Black woman who attended an amazing school, I remember being in class and having someone make that comment, knowing my grades were higher than theirs.
The fact of the matter is that we would not need these policies if we lived in an equal and equitable society. It doesn't do us any harm for us to face the facts that this country was built off the backs of enslaved people and the blood of indigenous people, and off the sweat and the tears of immigrants. But because we are unwilling to face that, we now are demonizing programs that are actually meant to create some symbol of balance.
xoN: Finally, I’ll close with this, what can we do to provide information to young people, and how do we combat all of the less than researched info?
Jara: One thing I encourage is to look at the source. At Supermajority, our social channels are information-based. We strive to provide up-to-date accurate information that is digestible to all. Media literacy is something I believe in, and unfortunately, it is something that we have a responsibility to continue to share with the community at large. So much of our world is centered on immediate info, a lie spreads faster than the truth.
We just saw that with the Olympic women's boxers, and we have to ask ourselves often: is this information accurate? Who is telling the story? Most importantly, how am I an original contributor? Not everything said needs to be shared, and not every thought needs to be public.
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