If there’s one saying that low-key irks me, it’s “Everything happens for a reason.” Duh, and you don’t say. I don’t even know why that is supposed to come off as being any type of profound, do you? Nah, to me, I think life should be about “everything happening with a purpose,” — and that’s why, when it comes to my own life purpose (which has a lot to do with covenant-based relationships), I am so intentional about doing everything that I can to make sure that people don’t just get married for the right reasons; they need to choose the right person too.
Otherwise, they could end up in the world of an Anne Bancroft quote that says, “If you marry the wrong person for the wrong reasons, then no matter how hard you work, it's never going to work, because then you have to completely change yourself, completely change them, completely — by that time, you're both dead.”
Now, do I 1000 percent believe that marrying the wrong person for the wrong reasons equates to automatic disaster, no matter what? No. I know couples who did just that (at least on some level), and yet, because they took their vows seriously, they actually chose to make their marriage work. In fact, many of them told me that it matured them in ways that they never would have otherwise. However, that’s a huge gamble. Besides, wouldn’t it just be better to do things the right way from the jump? And that includes making sure that your motives are in a healthy and honest place before standing in front of God, your family and friends, and “him” and making all sorts of promises and pledges.
Signs You're Getting Married for the Wrong Reasons
So, let’s take some preventative measures today, shall we? With the help of 12 women in my world, I’m about to share with you some clear signs that when it comes to marriage, if these are your motives, there’s a very big possibility that you are getting married for the wrong reasons — and that could make the purpose of marriage a real struggle for you…in ways that you may not notice until it’s far too late.
*Middle names are always used in my interview pieces so that people are able to speak super freely*
Giphy1. Ursula. 41. Married for Six Years.
“Your clock. Getting married because you want to have kids, so you rush into marriage in order to do so, is something that you will regret on levels that you cannot begin to imagine because you’re assuming that all you need to do is get a husband and everything will automatically fall into place. What if you have trouble conceiving? What if you and your husband don’t have the same values as far as rearing children? What if he changes his mind and doesn’t want kids at all? Children are a blessing. Even more so if you are raising them with someone who is going to make the process easier for you — and that means choosing a good man over just someone who can be your children’s father. If you’re looking for sperm more than a husband, you are on a dangerous road, sis.”
2. Shalawndria. 30. Divorced.
“DO NOT GET MARRIED BECAUSE YOU ARE LONELY. I’m pretty sure Shellie can attest to the fact that there are a lot of lonely wives out here. And besides, if you’re expecting a man to fill voids that you can’t even fill yourself, you are in for a world full of heartache — and I know what I’m talking about. I got married because, rather than doing self-work, I expected my man to ‘fix’ it all. Being a spouse is already a full-time job; no one wants to be a fill-in therapist, too. Love is great, and I’m still a believer, but if you think that your partner’s job is to heal you, you will end up in divorce court faster than I did. Heal first. Then, pick a husband. You’ll choose differently.”
"Love is great, and I'm still a believer, but if you think that your partner's job is to heal you, you will end up in divorce court faster than I did. Heal first. Then, pick a husband. You'll choose differently."
Giphy3. Maxine. 50. Divorced for Three Years.
“Don’t get married to get over someone else. It doesn’t work. Women love to talk about men cheating, but a lot of us have emotional affairs that we try to justify, or we rationalize staying in touch with someone from our past who should’ve been cut off a long time ago. If there is a man who still gives you butterflies, who you still kinda stalk on socials, or who you even send a ‘Happy Birthday’ message to on an annual basis — you need to get yourself all the way together before saying ‘I do.’ I know of what I speak. I thought that getting married to a good man is what would get me past the love of my life. Hmph. No man is good enough when you’re not completely over someone. Don’t drag anyone into all of that. Get off that man first. And if you don’t want to, stay single instead of being in a relationship.”
4. Taleeyah. 29. Married for Two Years.
“I didn’t realize how ‘rough I was around the edges’ until I got married. Because, let’s not act like we aren’t biased when it comes to how we see ourselves — and our friends? Sometimes, they don’t want to tell us what we need to hear either because they don’t want to hurt our feelings or, let’s be real, they don’t feel like going through the drama. But when you’re sharing a bathroom and bedroom with someone, it’s pretty hard to hide who you really are — and that means that you are gonna hear about yourself whether you want to hear it or not. I could go on about this all day, but the best way to condense the point is, ‘If you don’t want to be held accountable on a regular basis’, don’t get married. Thinking that this man is only going to tell you how awesome you are all of the time without calling you out is the grandest delusion of relationships. Well, marital ones.”
Giphy5. Edin. 47. Married for 21 Years.
“Looking for your husband to treat you like your dad. Shellie counseled us for a season, and she brought up something that I never thought about before: daughters are princesses; wives are queens. You shouldn’t expect your husband to treat you like your dad would because you’re an adult as a wife. If you’re expecting to just sit around and be doted on all day long while you spend a man’s money, you need to get a season pass to the movie theater, not get married. If your father is doing a bang-up job, he's preparing you for how to live with a man, compromise with a man, and yes, as much as some of you don’t want to hear it, respect a man. He will make it to where you can be in harmony with someone who is the same gender as him. You’re not a little girl anymore, and nothing will wake you up to that fact like marriage will. Trust me.”
6. Tarren. 33. Engaged for a Year.
“A distraction. This isn’t my first engagement, and it’s my fault that the last one didn’t work out. There was stuff that I didn’t want to face when it came to my career, some family drama, and my finances, and so I used a relationship as a distraction. What I didn’t prepare myself for was the reality that you can only run for so long — there are only so many dates, trips, and gifts before you have to face the reality that you have to deal with some things, and it’s not fair to drag someone into your mess just because you don’t want to. Marriage doesn’t make your mess go away. If anything, marriage makes it stare you dead in your face until you deal with it. My engagement is longer than I planned now because I want to make sure that I don’t do to this man what I did to my ex. He’s grateful, and so am I.”
"Marriage doesn’t make your mess go away. If anything, marriage makes it stare you dead in your face until you deal with it. My engagement is longer than I planned now because I want to make sure that I don’t do to this man what I did to my ex. He’s grateful, and so am I."
Giphy7. Arlee. 38. Divorced for Six Years.
“Don’t get married as a financial bailout plan — and don’t act like some of you haven’t been thinking about it. It’s not someone else’s job or responsibility to pay off your student loans, pay off your credit cards, or get your savings account out of the negative. Shellie talks often about how women are supposed to be the helpmates, but so many are weighing men down with all of these problems that they had before their guy ever arrived. She’s right. You are helping no one if your finances are a hot ass mess. If your financial plan is to get a husband to fix your BS, you are totally getting married for the wrong reasons.”
8. Keelah. 26. Engaged for Three Months.
“I come from a line of women who ignored the little voice in their head that told them not to get married to the men that they did. From where I stand, that is the greatest example of getting married for the wrong reason. It’s not unrealistic to say that getting married should be one of the best times of your entire life — including one of the most peaceful. When I think of my bae, I don’t have one hesitation, question, or fear. I don’t feel like I’m rushing, or avoiding, or in denial. We’ve welcomed therapy for ourselves, counseling with each other, and insights from those who care about us.
"We’ve asked each other some really hard questions and have slowed things down when we didn’t have immediate answers. If your intention is to take marriage seriously, you can’t treat it like a high school science experiment…like, ‘Welp, that didn’t work. Oh well.’ Thinking that you can just keep getting married over and over again sounds like you think marriage is a game. My advice? Whatever is telling you to wait, you should do it until you figure out what that’s all about. If you don’t, and you jump a broom anyway — I’m not sure there could be a worse reason to get married.”
Giphy9. Beven. 31. Married for Four Years.
“PLEASE don’t get married to change someone. How would you feel if someone did that to you? If you can’t marry someone just as they are right now, either they aren’t the one for you, or you need to learn how to not be such a control freak. Too many people treat their partner like a project; that’s frustrating for them and exhausting for you. A part of what comes with loving someone is accepting them. If you aren’t prepared to do that, push the wedding date back.”
10. Aniyah. 36. Divorced for Six Months.
“Ask a room full of women what their wedding day is going to be like, and they’ve got every detail down. Ask them what kind of wife they plan to be, and if you listen really carefully, it’s usually about what they expect to receive more than give. It’s like they think that marriage is one long wedding day. It’s not. Even though my divorce is fairly new, I’m not jaded about marriage. What I will say is I was delusional about what it required before I did it. A wife requires a lot. Learn as much as you can about it before getting married. Don’t do like I did and find out that what you thought you signed for isn’t what you’re in.”
Giphy11. Yumi. 29. Married for Five Years.
“You want someone to love you more than you love you, that’s the wrong reason. Men are different than we are anyway, so they aren’t going to express themselves in the way that we would to ourselves — if that makes sense. Like, I’m big on pampering. My husband is more practical. He budgets so that I can go all out about four times a year on spa days and stuff, but is he going to plan it out? He’s not. If I spent a lot of time trying to get him to be how I am, we’d both be pissed. While you’re single, get into the habit of how to love yourself so that the pressure doesn’t fall solely on your husband when you get married. Some people wait for a mate to treat themselves a certain way. That mistake is HUGE.”
12. Denaye. 52. Married for 34 Years.
“Have mercy! PLEASE DO NOT GET MARRIED THINKING THAT YOUR MARRIAGE IS GOING TO BE JUST LIKE SOMEONE ELSE’S! I don’t care if it’s your best friend, your mama, or some couple at church. Too many women are out here competing with each other, whether they realize it or not, and it’s because they play the comparison game. Just like no two people are alike, no two marriages are either. So, if you plan on getting married only to wear your man out with all of this ‘So-and-so’s husband does such-and-such’ — do you and him a favor and just…don’t. You can go to other people for advice, but ultimately, you have to figure out how to customize what works best for you and yours…and others have nothing to do with that.”
Shellie here: And yes, she asked me to “scream” (via all caps) that entire sentence; that is just how much she meant it, chile.
___
An actor by the name of Jonathan Pryce once said, “Even a good decision, if made for the wrong reasons, can be a wrong decision.” Greater words have not been spoken when it comes to marriage. So, if marriage is high on your priority list right through here, I really hope that you take all of the wisdom that was just shared to heart.
Marriage is one of, if not the, biggest decisions that you will ever make.
Don’t make it for the wrong reasons.
It’s not worth it. It really isn’t.
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Featured image by Mark Weiss/Getty Images
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