“And you're okay with your role as an unwed baby mama?"
The pressures that come with becoming a Mrs. in America weigh heavily on a woman. The nitpicking begins from day one, and the need to be on the inside of someone's relationships starts at “so what are y'all?" You and the person you've been dating stamp labels on one another, finally becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. It's pretty serious at this point. Time passes–two years, three years–and you're faced with inquiries of when marriage will come into play because time is ticking. What have you two been doing all these years? It's only right you get married right now.
“When is he putting a ring on it?"
“So y'all started ring shopping yet?"
You both feel it's not time and criticism from the left and the right pour in. You hear breakdowns of the statistics within Black communities on marriage and are encouraged to break the cycle.
“Don't you two go off and have babies now without committing before the Lord."
Years go by and a baby makes its way into the picture before the bling on your finger, going against that children's song “K-I-S-S-I-N-G" you used to recite. You're both comfortable where you're at in life, and marriage doesn't take precedence in your list of priorities right now.
“Why buy the cow, when you get the milk free?"
You'll hear that often. Your title in the eyes of other people has now shifted, too, as you're now the baby mother and not the girlfriend. The ring will get you back into society's good graces, and you're not saying it won't ever happen, but satisfying society's standards on relationships is outside of your realm right now–no matter how long you may have been with someone. Some people go knee-deep into years with a partner without marrying (myself included), while others never wed at all. Some want to play house with real life babies before deciding if spending their lives legally attached to someone is the way to go. Others strongly believe the source of happiness isn't found before a minister and through the exchange of rings. Why aren't people okay with the
decisions other people make and have to live with? If someone is happy, why are others judgmental about that person's lifestyle?
In a recent interview with Vogue, Oprah Winfrey opened up about her long time relationship with her partner Stedman Graham. The topic of why they never decided to get married came up and this is what she said:
“Live life on your own terms. Nobody believes it, but it's true. The only time I brought it up was when I said to Stedman, 'What would have happened if we had actually gotten married?' And the answer is: 'We wouldn't be together.' We would not have stayed together, because marriage requires a different way of being in this world. His interpretation of what it means to be a husband and what it would mean for me to be a wife would have been pretty traditional, and I would not have been able to fit into that."
[Tweet ""Live life on your own terms." - @Oprah"]
Related: Not Every Woman Feels a Husband is Part of the “Having it All" Plan
Jennifer Hudson also has explained why she and her fiance Daniel Otunga Jr. haven't rushed to tie the knot. The pair have a 7-year-old son together and have been engaged for 10 years.
"I feel like everything is about timing, and he ain't going nowhere. He's still there. Everyone has married us off anyway and we're still a family but there's no difference. I'm a believer in you do well and better in what you want to do rather than what you have to do. If you have to be somewhere, you don't want to do it no more."
[Tweet "Everything is about timing. We're still a family. - Jennifer Hudson"]
Before model turned actress Nazanin Mandi announced her engagement to R&B singer Miguel, the Persian beauty faced a ton of critiques on her relationship after Miguel revealed during a radio interview why he hadn't proposed to her after 10 years of dating:
“I think it's more about working–thing is, you got to know who you are as a person, first of all. I think I've come so far as a man, and I'm just starting to feel solid, where I can be like, 'You know what? I think I can hold this down legitimately.' I think now people throw things around, like marriage. I just wasn't raised like that.
I don't feel the pressure because I know that when I commit, I really commit. Now it's just thrown around because it's so easy to break up. And I'm just not that kind of person. I'm just not gonna do that. I wouldn't do that to her, and that's just not how I was raised. I just don't feel like that would be honorable.
I think because of society and how people view everything, and how everything is just so run-of-the-mill and very–what is that called? Everything is like fast food. It's just like fast food. 'Okay, you wanna get married? Cool! Get married!' 'You wanna get divorced? Get divorced.' There's no thought or substance behind it. I think the pressure comes from outside because people are like, 'Why not?!'
I think more than anything, [friendship] is the most important [thing]. I really am wildhearted. I'm wild at heart. It just means that I follow my instincts, and that's what this album is about. I think she's learned that, and she's had to adjust, and had to learn, and also embrace. And I love her more for that."
And while many can't fathom what else there is to know about a person after a decade of dating, the truth is, there's always something to learn about your significant other, especially if it's during your twenties as you're attempting to navigate and figure out your own life at this time. I was five years into dating my partner at the age of 22. With that amount of time in, should I have married him knowing all that I did about him? I was still trying to understand myself and feel comfortable in my own skin about who I was. I wanted to make myself happy instead of handing that power over to someone else who would be juggling my joy in their hands.
Instead of acknowledging the reality that marriage is not the end goal and most women are quite content not being legally bound to someone, people assume that unwed women are being strung along and it's foolish. It's not about entertaining a game of mental manipulation and falling snug in my role as a “baby mother," but it is about me having the freedom to do what's right for my future and honoring what I feel is right for me, right now. I wish we would rid ourselves of these socially conservative views where we're attacked by people who aggressively advise we marry someone because of scripture or because of the number of years put in. We've gone from "So, what are you two?" to “When are you getting married?" or “Y'all thinking about bringing a baby into the picture?" and then “Are you having more children to add to the family?"
It's an incessant interrogation into the lives of others.
In a great piece on The Root, matchmaker Gee Sanders explains why some are choosing parenthood over the idea of marriage. “Biology forces you to be connected. In a romantic relationship, there's always a choice. Your status with [a significant other] is not permanent."
Even wife and mom La La Anthony, who is married to hubby Carmelo Anthony, weighed in on her long engagement and why it's necessary to enjoy the moment during an interview with xoNecole:
Enjoy the moment. Enjoy what's happening and live in the moment…We're always running and so busy and thinking about the next thing that you don't enjoy the moment. So take your time and enjoy the engagement and the moment. And there is no rush! I was engaged for a very long time and people put me through the ringer for it. [They said] that I was going to be engaged forever and never get married but guess what? I did it my way and my marriage has lasted longer than half those people that were talking all of that stuff before. So do it your way and enjoy it.
Related: 'Don't Be A Wife To A Boyfriend': 10 Lessons I Learned When I Was Single
xoNecole staff Ashleigh and Sheriden also weighed in on being in a long-term relationship and the external stress that comes from outsiders who feel they know best:
“While I do, however, really want to get married, I want to be a wedding event designer in the far future, so I live for a wedding, but the father of my child and I just aren't there financially due to spend the first five years of our lives together as a family, pursuing school, and now trying to really get on our feet. We both each want a wedding and don't want to do just a court ceremony. I've been to one it's just not me at all. I love him to death, but I want my wedding.
And it's not even about it being glamorous because I plan to do mine mostly DIY. The creative process is enjoyable for me. It's annoying when the first thing we hear is 'you don't need a wedding,' so I'm over people trying to tell us what we need. It's okay for it to be about what you WANT versus what you NEED sometimes. We're happy and while it's a bit discouraging that it might be 5-10 years before it happens. He tells me, that title doesn't change our dynamic. Our love will still be just as strong as it is now and no matter how long it takes, we are still a family." – Ashleigh
[Tweet "It's okay for it to be about what you WANT versus what you NEED sometimes."]
“I would love to be married one day, but it kills me how we pick at relationships that might otherwise be healthy and working because a ring isn't on someone's finger. My world does not revolve around whether or not the man I love will one day decide to marry me and you can't tell me about my relationship based off of that. It's not about 'settling' or 'holding yourself up to the highest standard.' Are we only valuable as women if we're someone's wife?" – Sheriden
The fact that women have to thoroughly spell out their decisions for people to understand is frustrating, to say the very least. In a conversation with a close friend, I was reminded me of the fluidity of life and how as life changes, so do we and our choices. It's not that marriage is completely out of the question, but it also doesn't take precedence over other things in life, like getting finances in order, purchasing a home, or settling comfortably into a career. Sometimes that takes two years, for others, two decades. We need to be okay with that.
Whether you believe unwed couples who are raising happy children in happy homes are setting a bad example to those very children on family principles, the point remains that we need to be more understanding of a couple's decision.
If it's not your household, man, or woman, why does it bother you?
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It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Alistair Berg/Getty ImagesStep 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Getty ImagesStep 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
DMP/ Getty ImagesStep 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
The U.S. self-care industry is worth billions of dollars, but creating a beneficial self-care routine doesn’t have to break the bank. In fact, practicing self-care is much simpler than you might think.
Here are 7 ideas to help you refresh your self-care routine.
1.Get Curious
Self-care isn’t one-size-fits-all. What works for a friend or family member might not work for you. Therefore, gaining clarity about what you want, or need, in order to pour into yourself is vital. Ask yourself the following questions before you get started for guidance:
- What do I want more of in order to relax? What do I want less of?
- What are my core values and how can I implement them into my routine?
- What activities light me up inside?
- What am I currently doing that drains my energy or wastes my time?
2.Learn a New Skill
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Learning a new skill not only challenges your brain in the best way, but it can also help you feel better too! According to Psychology Today, learning something new– even if it’s just for fun– keeps your brain engaged and healthy. Plus, self-discovery and self-care go hand in hand. Not only will you expand your mind, but you’ll also increase your sense of well-being by taking up a hobby that challenges and intrigues you. To get started, consider the following:
- Cooking a dish from a region you’re not accustomed to
- Gardening
- Sewing or knitting
- Learning a foreign language
- Playing a new sport
- Painting or drawing
- Photography
- Learning to play an instrument
3.Write Yourself a Letter
When was the last time you recognized the parts of yourself that you absolutely love, outside of your role as a mother? Writing a self-love letter is a simple yet effective self-care activity that will fill your cup. You can list the characteristics you love about yourself in bullet form. You can choose to focus on a tender memory that shaped your life or simply brought you joy. Or you can write to your inner child, praising yourself for the person you are today.
There’s no right or wrong way to write the letter since it’s solely for you. You can be as extravagant or detailed as you want. You can boast, you can brag, you can flex– it’s up to you. Simply focus on the positive aspects of your being (big or small) and watch the words flow. But most importantly, allow the letter to serve as a gentle reminder that you are worthy of love.
4.Try a New Product
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Sometimes self-care calls for products that help you relax. As a busy mom with tons on your schedule, a subscription box offers ways to sample new self-care products each month. Companies like Black Girl Magic Box curate health and wellness products from Black-owned businesses.
Do you need a bit of R&R but can’t pencil in a spa day? Refresh your bath and body products with Naked Bar Soap Co.’s luxurious soaps, body oils, and bath bombs to wind down at home. After unwinding, don’t forget that sleep is an essential part of self-care. Investing in products like sleep masks, weighted blankets, high-quality pajama sets, and essential oil diffusers can take your rest to the next level.
5.Schedule “Me Time”
Alone time can be hard to come by but it’s vital for mental health. Periods of solitude can reduce stress and give us a chance to check in with ourselves. When our brains have time to disconnect from life’s stressors when we’re secluded, we’re able to pour back into our families and friends when we return.
For some, "me time" might look like sitting in the car for ten minutes after returning from work. Or maybe it’s enlisting a babysitter to watch your children while you take yourself out on a date. Maybe it’s locking your bedroom door and catching up on your favorite shows while your partner holds down the fort. However you decide to carve out time for yourself, remember to hold fast to it. Add it to your calendar. Cancel plans with others if need be. Your alone time is non-negotiable and deserves space in your life.
6.Practice Gratitude
Delmaine Donson/Getty Images
Reflecting on the things we’re grateful for is a guaranteed mood booster. Not only that, but it provides an opportunity for introspection, too. There are hosts of gratitude journals that offer writing prompts and nuggets to reflect on, but a regular journal works just as well. If you’re new to journaling, don’t feel pressured to practice it daily. Jotting your thoughts down once a week or once a month is just as impactful.
Affirmations are another way to reflect on the good in your life (or the good that is on its way). They are typically short in length and easy to read or memorize. Place them in areas you frequent throughout the day– think bathroom mirror, car, or office– for a daily reminder of the beauty around you.
7.Get Grounded
Grounding, or earthing, is a therapeutic technique that involves activities that place you in contact with the earth. Examples of grounding include walking barefoot in the grass or sitting/lying on the ground. People who participate in grounding report an increase in mood and a decrease in anxiety and depression.
If skin-to-earth contact isn’t your vibe, taking part in outdoor activities is another self-care option. Attend a yoga class in the park. Go for a leisurely hike. Or simply sit on a bench. Being outdoors for even just a few minutes is enough to boost your mental well-being.
Motherhood comes with tasks that are constantly vying for our attention. And even though we know how important pouring into ourselves is, we don’t want to abandon our self-care routine because we’re burdened by it. The goal is to incorporate self-care activities into our daily lives in a sustainable way. It might take some trial and error to figure out what works for your lifestyle, but it’s worth the effort. You are worth the effort.
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Originally published on February 8, 2023