“And you're okay with your role as an unwed baby mama?"
The pressures that come with becoming a Mrs. in America weigh heavily on a woman. The nitpicking begins from day one, and the need to be on the inside of someone's relationships starts at “so what are y'all?" You and the person you've been dating stamp labels on one another, finally becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. It's pretty serious at this point. Time passes–two years, three years–and you're faced with inquiries of when marriage will come into play because time is ticking. What have you two been doing all these years? It's only right you get married right now.
“When is he putting a ring on it?"
“So y'all started ring shopping yet?"
You both feel it's not time and criticism from the left and the right pour in. You hear breakdowns of the statistics within Black communities on marriage and are encouraged to break the cycle.
“Don't you two go off and have babies now without committing before the Lord."
Years go by and a baby makes its way into the picture before the bling on your finger, going against that children's song “K-I-S-S-I-N-G" you used to recite. You're both comfortable where you're at in life, and marriage doesn't take precedence in your list of priorities right now.
“Why buy the cow, when you get the milk free?"
You'll hear that often. Your title in the eyes of other people has now shifted, too, as you're now the baby mother and not the girlfriend. The ring will get you back into society's good graces, and you're not saying it won't ever happen, but satisfying society's standards on relationships is outside of your realm right now–no matter how long you may have been with someone. Some people go knee-deep into years with a partner without marrying (myself included), while others never wed at all. Some want to play house with real life babies before deciding if spending their lives legally attached to someone is the way to go. Others strongly believe the source of happiness isn't found before a minister and through the exchange of rings. Why aren't people okay with the
decisions other people make and have to live with? If someone is happy, why are others judgmental about that person's lifestyle?
In a recent interview with Vogue, Oprah Winfrey opened up about her long time relationship with her partner Stedman Graham. The topic of why they never decided to get married came up and this is what she said:
“Live life on your own terms. Nobody believes it, but it's true. The only time I brought it up was when I said to Stedman, 'What would have happened if we had actually gotten married?' And the answer is: 'We wouldn't be together.' We would not have stayed together, because marriage requires a different way of being in this world. His interpretation of what it means to be a husband and what it would mean for me to be a wife would have been pretty traditional, and I would not have been able to fit into that."
[Tweet ""Live life on your own terms." - @Oprah"]
Related: Not Every Woman Feels a Husband is Part of the “Having it All" Plan
Jennifer Hudson also has explained why she and her fiance Daniel Otunga Jr. haven't rushed to tie the knot. The pair have a 7-year-old son together and have been engaged for 10 years.
"I feel like everything is about timing, and he ain't going nowhere. He's still there. Everyone has married us off anyway and we're still a family but there's no difference. I'm a believer in you do well and better in what you want to do rather than what you have to do. If you have to be somewhere, you don't want to do it no more."
[Tweet "Everything is about timing. We're still a family. - Jennifer Hudson"]
Before model turned actress Nazanin Mandi announced her engagement to R&B singer Miguel, the Persian beauty faced a ton of critiques on her relationship after Miguel revealed during a radio interview why he hadn't proposed to her after 10 years of dating:
“I think it's more about working–thing is, you got to know who you are as a person, first of all. I think I've come so far as a man, and I'm just starting to feel solid, where I can be like, 'You know what? I think I can hold this down legitimately.' I think now people throw things around, like marriage. I just wasn't raised like that.
I don't feel the pressure because I know that when I commit, I really commit. Now it's just thrown around because it's so easy to break up. And I'm just not that kind of person. I'm just not gonna do that. I wouldn't do that to her, and that's just not how I was raised. I just don't feel like that would be honorable.
I think because of society and how people view everything, and how everything is just so run-of-the-mill and very–what is that called? Everything is like fast food. It's just like fast food. 'Okay, you wanna get married? Cool! Get married!' 'You wanna get divorced? Get divorced.' There's no thought or substance behind it. I think the pressure comes from outside because people are like, 'Why not?!'
I think more than anything, [friendship] is the most important [thing]. I really am wildhearted. I'm wild at heart. It just means that I follow my instincts, and that's what this album is about. I think she's learned that, and she's had to adjust, and had to learn, and also embrace. And I love her more for that."
And while many can't fathom what else there is to know about a person after a decade of dating, the truth is, there's always something to learn about your significant other, especially if it's during your twenties as you're attempting to navigate and figure out your own life at this time. I was five years into dating my partner at the age of 22. With that amount of time in, should I have married him knowing all that I did about him? I was still trying to understand myself and feel comfortable in my own skin about who I was. I wanted to make myself happy instead of handing that power over to someone else who would be juggling my joy in their hands.
Instead of acknowledging the reality that marriage is not the end goal and most women are quite content not being legally bound to someone, people assume that unwed women are being strung along and it's foolish. It's not about entertaining a game of mental manipulation and falling snug in my role as a “baby mother," but it is about me having the freedom to do what's right for my future and honoring what I feel is right for me, right now. I wish we would rid ourselves of these socially conservative views where we're attacked by people who aggressively advise we marry someone because of scripture or because of the number of years put in. We've gone from "So, what are you two?" to “When are you getting married?" or “Y'all thinking about bringing a baby into the picture?" and then “Are you having more children to add to the family?"
It's an incessant interrogation into the lives of others.
In a great piece on The Root, matchmaker Gee Sanders explains why some are choosing parenthood over the idea of marriage. “Biology forces you to be connected. In a romantic relationship, there's always a choice. Your status with [a significant other] is not permanent."
Even wife and mom La La Anthony, who is married to hubby Carmelo Anthony, weighed in on her long engagement and why it's necessary to enjoy the moment during an interview with xoNecole:
Enjoy the moment. Enjoy what's happening and live in the moment…We're always running and so busy and thinking about the next thing that you don't enjoy the moment. So take your time and enjoy the engagement and the moment. And there is no rush! I was engaged for a very long time and people put me through the ringer for it. [They said] that I was going to be engaged forever and never get married but guess what? I did it my way and my marriage has lasted longer than half those people that were talking all of that stuff before. So do it your way and enjoy it.
Related: 'Don't Be A Wife To A Boyfriend': 10 Lessons I Learned When I Was Single
xoNecole staff Ashleigh and Sheriden also weighed in on being in a long-term relationship and the external stress that comes from outsiders who feel they know best:
“While I do, however, really want to get married, I want to be a wedding event designer in the far future, so I live for a wedding, but the father of my child and I just aren't there financially due to spend the first five years of our lives together as a family, pursuing school, and now trying to really get on our feet. We both each want a wedding and don't want to do just a court ceremony. I've been to one it's just not me at all. I love him to death, but I want my wedding.
And it's not even about it being glamorous because I plan to do mine mostly DIY. The creative process is enjoyable for me. It's annoying when the first thing we hear is 'you don't need a wedding,' so I'm over people trying to tell us what we need. It's okay for it to be about what you WANT versus what you NEED sometimes. We're happy and while it's a bit discouraging that it might be 5-10 years before it happens. He tells me, that title doesn't change our dynamic. Our love will still be just as strong as it is now and no matter how long it takes, we are still a family." – Ashleigh
[Tweet "It's okay for it to be about what you WANT versus what you NEED sometimes."]
“I would love to be married one day, but it kills me how we pick at relationships that might otherwise be healthy and working because a ring isn't on someone's finger. My world does not revolve around whether or not the man I love will one day decide to marry me and you can't tell me about my relationship based off of that. It's not about 'settling' or 'holding yourself up to the highest standard.' Are we only valuable as women if we're someone's wife?" – Sheriden
The fact that women have to thoroughly spell out their decisions for people to understand is frustrating, to say the very least. In a conversation with a close friend, I was reminded me of the fluidity of life and how as life changes, so do we and our choices. It's not that marriage is completely out of the question, but it also doesn't take precedence over other things in life, like getting finances in order, purchasing a home, or settling comfortably into a career. Sometimes that takes two years, for others, two decades. We need to be okay with that.
Whether you believe unwed couples who are raising happy children in happy homes are setting a bad example to those very children on family principles, the point remains that we need to be more understanding of a couple's decision.
If it's not your household, man, or woman, why does it bother you?
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Know what this means to me? When it comes to the topic of relationships, we have to be careful about making gross generalizations. And, when it comes to long-term dynamics, a commitment-phobe can be a man or a woman. Most definitely so.
Back in the day, I wrote, “5 Reasons Why You KEEP Attracting Commitment-Phobes” for the platform, in hopes that as many women as possible could avoid investing their heart, time, energy, and body parts to men who run from commitments like they are the plague. However, if you read enough of my content, you know that when it comes to having healthy, happy, and thriving relationships, I believe that everyone can get it as far as personal accountability goes.
So today, let’s look at commitment issues from a different angle. Below, I’m going to share seven signs that you — or one of your girlfriends — could be a commitment-phobe whether you’re in denial or you’re seeking confirmation. I won’t lie; there might be a few “ouch” moments along the way, yet if it can help you to break the habit and get closer to your future man, I think it’ll ultimately be worth it.
1. Your Expectations Are Unrealistic As All Get Out
GiphyTwo people that set themselves up to be consistently disappointed are the ones who think you should never expect anything out of life and the ones who have expectations that are so unrealistic they are damn near unattainable. The first folks? They are typically coming from a place of protecting themselves from pain. That’s why they say that they subscribe to life mottos like, “If you never expect anything, you won’t ever be disappointed.” Lord. How dark is that? Expecting something is literally having something to look forward to, and if your life doesn’t consist of any of that, you’re going to find yourself leaning on the side of cynicism at best, and negativity at worst — and that is no way to live a satisfying life.
The second? Low-key, these types of individuals oftentimes fall into the commitment-phobe category because…just think about it: If your expectations are super unrealistic, you can always say that it’s not that you didn’t want a relationship, you simply did not find someone who checked off everything on that 10-page list of yours. SMDH. Yeah, commitment-phobes are good for meeting a really great guy and then ending the relationship after they find out that he makes $60K while they make $40K or not giving a guy a chance because he’s 5’10” when they are 5’5” (only 15 percent of men are 6’ or over, by the way).
It’s not really about having high standards; it’s about building up walls and calling them standards so that no one will catch on to what’s really going on with them.
2. You’re Constantly Moving the Bar
GiphyThe ever-moving goalpost; this is how a true commitment-phobe gets down. First, you want someone who is really nice — oh, but not too nice. Then you want someone who is romantic — oh, but not someone who comes off as clingy or needy because that seems “sassy” (I really need some of y’all to look that word up; I promise it doesn’t mean what social media implies that it does). First, your love language is quality time — yet he’s on the quiet side and so now it’s words of affirmation. No wonder guys find themselves frustrated; like Issa once told Molly on Insecure (the episode when Lawrence found out that Issa cheated on him with Daniel…that really was a great show), “You’re impossible to please” — and so, guys tap out…because they don’t know what else to do.
Commitment-phobes tend to be this way because a commitment requires them to stand firm on some things, and since the thought of that makes them uncomfortable, they’re constantly shifting their definition of what makes them happy and what will cause them to actually settle down with someone.
I like soccer. Whenever I watch it, I enjoy the focus and flexibility of the person trying to get the ball into the goal. They have to learn how to make that happen — and that requires real time, effort, and skill. At the same time, it’s ridiculous to blame them if the goal is always moving around; that would be the goal’s issue, not theirs. I hope you got where I was going with that little analogy.
3. Your Last Long-Term Relationship Was…Hell, When Was It?
GiphyWhen it comes to this particular point, I’m not speaking of those who have intentionally taken themselves out of the dating game. I’m talking about people who are out here actively dating (or actively doing…something…LOL), and it hasn’t led to anything even remotely serious or long-term. If this is the box that you can check when it comes to this article, why is that the case? Are you someone who doesn’t really like dates to go beyond the initial 1-3? Do you only see dating as a recreational activity? Does the thought of letting someone actually get to know more than the “top layers” of you make you feel emotionally claustrophobic?
Maybe it’s something deeper like your last real relationship was an absolute trainwreck, and the thought of getting into another frightens you, makes you want to throw up, or both. Maybe, like one of my clients once told me, you never saw a long-term commitment modeled to you while growing up, so the concept is completely foreign in your mind. Perhaps you’ve had so many bitter people in your life that you automatically equate a relationship with a headache.
Whatever the reason may be, if you’re in your 30s or older and it’s been years since you’ve had something solid, more times than not, that’s another sign of being a commitment-phobe. What I will say is, when it comes to this one, it’s a good idea to do some real pondering because your reason determines what approach you should take to change it (if you want to change it). Some folks need to date with more intention. Others need to go to therapy and do some healing. A ton of folks should take social media breaks and get some mentors who are happily married/committed.
Anyway, there’s no way that I could write an article like this and not bring up this point. If it struck a nerve, ask yourself…why that is the case.
4. Intimacy Is Only Surface Layer with/for You
GiphyWhere in the world does time go? I can’t believe that it was almost four years ago when I penned, “Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?” for the platform. When I was discussing this very topic with a woman I know who can relate to the people who are featured in it, she was quick to admit that although she likes having as much sex as possible, she tries to avoid kissing at all costs because it’s “too intimate.” Lawd, this reminds me of yet another Insecure episode when Tiffany basically said to Issa (as all of the ladies were discussing giving head) that she found it wild that while Issa thought that putting a penis in her mouth was too intimate, putting a penis in her vagina…wasn’t (chile).
Expanding on Tiff’s point, a lot of commitment-phobes are just like this; only, they feel this way about their heart (and to a certain extent, their time)…not so much their mouth.
They don’t want to cuddle — it’s too intimate. They don’t want to spend the night — it’s too intimate. The minute that their sex partner wants to forego sex and talk, they feel insulted, rejected, wonder about his sexuality, and then use one of these as a reason to end the sexuationship. Or — and please really peep this one — they only really enjoy sex if they are tipsy or high. That’s because being not-fully-sober is also a type of wall; being sober means being totally present, and for a lot of commitment-phobes, that’s the last thing that they want to be.
Or it comes another way. Sex or not, there are certain topics that are totally off limits: childhood, past relationships, vulnerabilities, and fears. To them, they think that you are trying to get too close, and so they will either gaslight you into feeling like you are being nosy or invasive when the reality is they don’t like any genuine emotional familiarity; so, you can either chill and keep it fun and games or move on to someone else.
5. You Avoid Making Plans at All Costs
GiphyAlthough I mostly work with married couples, there are quite a few singles who also cross my path. And you know what? You’d be amazed how many of them are women who don’t like to be “locked in” to long-term plans. What I mean by that is, they will start dating a guy, and a good couple of months of steady communication and interaction in, he will ask if they want to take a trip over the summer or make plans for a particular holiday, and they will immediately take the “we’ll see” approach.
When I ask them if they see any red flags with ole’ boy, the answer is “no.” Then they come with some, “I just don’t want to feel pressured when I don’t know what the future will bring.” Girl, it’s not a marriage proposal; it’s a weekend at a resort, or he wants to not be overbilled for reservations on Valentine’s Day so…what’s really going on?
I’ll tell you: Commitment-phobes hate things like plans and schedules because that means they have to be held accountable and keep their word — and that’s two things that they are not very good at; no, not at all. The thing that’s wild about this particular point is, that if you asked their friends and family about it, they would tell you that they can totally relate to your frustration because they are just as unpredictable and fickle with them.
Yeah, that’s another interesting thing about commitment-phobes: sometimes the waters run deep; other times, they are just reckless with other people’s time because they haven’t had any real consequences for their negligence…yet. As they get older, that tends to change, though. Wisdom teaches their circle that wasting time on commitment-phobes is pretty damn foolish.
6. You Make Excuses for Pretty Much Everything
GiphyGeorge Washington Carver once said, “Ninety-nine percent of failures come from people who have a habit of making excuses.” The interesting thing about excuses is why we all have a general concept of what the word means, peep an actual definition: “a reason or explanation put forward to defend or justify a fault or offense”. Okay, so you know what this means, right? More times than not, if you’re trying to come up with an excuse about something, chances are, you did something wrong. And commitment-phobes? They are fluent in excuses-speak.
Excuses for why they disappointed you. Excuses for why they hurt your feelings. Excuses for why they "can’t" be (which really ends up being "won’t" in many instances) what you need in a relationship. Excuses for not returning calls, responding to texts, or breaking dates at the last minute. Excuses for why they just keep on making more excuses. As a direct result, as Mr. Washington so eloquently stated, it leads to failure — including in relationships. Because so long as all you do is make excuses, you don’t really focus on changing your behavior.
And when it comes to relationships, that just keeps you in the pattern of interactions with people who don’t ever really get around to going the distance.
7. Self-Sabotage Is Basically Your Middle Name
GiphyListen, I’m not saying that once you meet someone you really like, it can be a bit “scary” because…what if you go all in and it doesn’t work out? I get it. At the same time, though, it’s one thing to think that way — it’s another thing to become obsessed with that type of mindset to the point where you ruin everything all by yourself. That, my dear, is a form of self-sabotage, and it runs rampant when it comes to commitment-phobes.
So how can you know if self-sabotage is something you do indeed struggle with?
- You’re a poor communicator
- You make mountains out of molehills
- You’re dismissive of your partner’s needs
- You are emotionally erratic
- You’re entitled and/or ungrateful
- You nitpick at every little thing
- You gaslight — a lot
- You’re a serial dater
- You hate the idea of being sexually exclusive
- You keep finding a billion reasons to not settle down
Oh, there are more yet, as I wind this down, I think these 10 signs are enough to give you the overall gist. Bottom line with all of this is, a commitment is about devoting yourself to someone in both word and deed. And the actions above? They hinder that from being a true possibility, especially long-term.
____
Was this the most comfortable article? Of course not. It wasn’t meant to be. What I can assure you is if you commit to taking it seriously, you can break free from being a commitment-phobe and learn to embrace what it looks and feels like to be truly and fully committed to someone…as they do the same thing to/for/with you. Amen? Selah.
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Featured image by Layla Bird/Getty Images
