Online dating is something I've dabbled in a time or two before.
I am still at the bare bones of my being, one of those people who enjoy meeting people in real time and taking things from casual to committed from there, if fate so chooses. I'm more of a serial monogamist than a serial dater, so apps where people seemed to get off on instant gratification did not seem like a great place to foster a serious relationship.
I'm not a huge Tinder advocate – aside for conversation and a little touchscreen eye candy – I did use a lesser known dating site called DateMySchool where you had to have a university email in order to join, ensuring that you were indeed meeting students. I didn't think anything would come of it honestly. I was working part time, going to school full time, and living off campus, which made it hard to enjoy the social aspects of college life. I wanted to meet students either on campus or at nearby campuses to hopefully make some new friends.
But a friend or three into the game and nearing the end of my free trial on the site, I saw this guy with this very interesting profile picture and the rest was history. I had no idea that it was possible to find something real online, which is undoubtedly due to the fact that I underestimated its potential for sincerity. I wanted to have a more interesting story. Like, oh, we met while almost grabbing the same manga comic at Barnes and Noble or he picked my coffee up by mistake and things hit it off from there. But no, we met online. I said something wittier than I thought possible, it got his attention, he messaged me three times in a row before leaving his number, and when we met in person, signed, sealed, delivered, I was his.
Below are some do's and don'ts plus a few online dating success stories that will help lead you to finding the real thing when looking for love online:
DON'T Forget About Your First Impression
What you put out there about yourself when you're looking to meet new people online is important. The profile photo on your profile sparks the attention of your potential suitor and the profile itself sells the rest if you two decide to get past the swipe right part and take it to exchanging messages. Include a favorite close-up photo of yourself that personifies you as well as a few full body photos.
DO Be Open-Minded About Making Connections
Truthfully, a lot of people don't even know they want something real until they meet someone who changes their mind. So talk to people that you like, build connections, deepen them through dates, and allow the flow to guide you. If it's important to disclose that you want something serious, do so, but also pay attention to cues while you're dating. People tend to reveal exactly what they want from you through action. Listen to that gut instinct.
Gina, 26, Teacher – Together w/ Aaron for 1 Year
“I met my boyfriend, Aaron on a website called Interpals. It's mainly a language exchange website. I was looking for friends in Korea because I was moving there after 3 years in Japan. I wanted to learn about Korean culture and language. At the time, Aaron was on a working holiday in Australia when he messaged me. Initially, I wasn't interested in his profile because it wasn't interesting, but the more we started speaking, the more I realized there was more to him than the initial profile sentence of, 'I'm bored with Australia now.'
I gave up on dating while I was in Japan because Japanese guys were too shy and most military men just wanted someone to play with. You should go in with an open mind and see what's out there. I wasn't initially interested in my boyfriend, but if I hadn't given him a chance, we wouldn't be dating. Once we started talking, I realized how funny he is and I liked his blunt honesty. It was refreshing to be around someone who was just themselves instead of putting on a mask. When you're in an intercultural relationship, you can't follow the dating rules you know from your countries. You have to communicate exactly what you want instead of leaving your partner confused from trying to read between the lines. I knew he was special because it had been over four years since I really connected with someone. He moved back to Korea while I was still in Japan, and I told him I wanted to meet him. He jumped on a plane, flew to Okinawa, and when I saw him at the airport, I knew he was special. It was quite the surprise I even met anyone on a language exchange platform."
DON'T Limit the Sites or Apps You Choose to Use
If you find the more common options out there for online dating aren't working for you, try the road less traveled. While it is true that connections are made everyday on Tinder and Match, some romantic connections can happen just by using sites that hone in on common interests. These sites include faith-based sites like Christian Mingle or language exchange platforms like Interpals. Online forums are another great place to find people who have similar interests.
DO Make a First Move
While it has received mixed results in my life, I've learned that when it comes to people and opportunities that my go-getter ways don't mesh with, I didn't need them in the first place. If you see a woman or a man's profile and you are interested, let them know. What do you have to lose? My first move led to a last first date.
BrittanyAlissa, 28, Beautician, MUA, Blogger – Together w/ Donnell for 3 Years
“My husband and I met on eHarmony 3 years ago. I believed it was fate because 7 months prior to him messaging my on eHarmony, he had messaged me on another site. I ended up never messaging him back on that particular site because it wasn't really that great. I then deleted that profile only to sign up for eHarmony after seeing a commercial on TV. So once I received a message and saw it was the same guy from the other site, I knew it was meant for us to meet.
Our first date is so memorable because of where it was. My brother was having a listening party for his mix tape at the strip club Perfections. I was immediately attracted to his beard and his smile. He had a smile that made me think about him even when I wasn't in his presence. What drew me into him was how honest and upfront he was with me; honesty isn't something you find on a daily basis so when you do it is refreshing. And of course the way he looked at me made me feel so special I knew I wanted to be his forever. I think the secret to finding something real through online dating is 100% honesty. I find that nowadays people constantly say what they think the person wants to hear instead of being true to themselves. If you want love say 'I am looking for love' and if you want to date, be honest about that as well. It's the only way you'll find and get exactly what you're asking for. What told me that Donnell was the guy for me was the way he let down his guard and allowed me into his heart. He was a bachelor for a while before he met me, and he always told me that he took love so very serious. So when he told me he loved me I knew we would be in it for the long haul."
DON'T Wait So Long to Take Things Offline
I had one rule – well I had a few – but one in particular came into play when it came to narrowing down where my attention went with online dating. I am not a huge texter and as a person who loves quality time, I prefer that above phone calls and texts, so if it's been two months, we talk almost daily, we're in the same city, and haven't set up a time to meet, I politely say, “Next." Talk to one another in person as soon as you feel comfortable to get a true understanding of your chemistry and connection. Thank me later.
DO Stay Gettin' Yo' Life
Allow the negatives to be funny stories you tell your girlfriends or guy friends later. Ghosting (people just stop talking to you out of the blue) is a common thing both online and offline, so take people who leave without saying anything with a grain of salt, say aloud, “Your loss", and keep the dating game moving. Experiences are the measures of a good life so don't allow scrubs to make you cynical about love.
DON'T Have Too Many Expectations
Just like regular dating offline, online dating should of course be approached with purpose, but just like offline dating, putting too much pressure on finding “the one" can be the very thing that keeps you from obtaining it. It's also the kind of thing that keeps you from enjoying connections for what they are in the moment.
Jasmine, Marketing & Promotions, 26
“We met through OkCupid. I was on the site for a good six months and then got bored. So I was off it for a few months before deciding to get on it again. I generally don't reply messages with one liners - like those simple 'Hi, how are you?' – I'm a long message type of girl (laughs). He was one of those 'Hi, how are you?' messages. Best part of is, I was the first girl he sent a message to and the only one that replied. I think it was his smile and his sincerity (that drew me in to him). I'm not sure what drew him in about me however. Maybe it was my killer personality and body (laughs). He was new in town - Kuala Lumpur. At this point, we were on Skype with each other for a few weeks and I told him I was hungry and wished I could grab my favorite meal: roti boom - a type of Malaysian-Indian sugary bread. We went to a nearby cafe and had roti boom, so roti boom was kind of 'our meal' from then on. I was actually seeing another guy that time that barely made effort to meet me, so when I had to choose the guy for me to focus my time and attention to, he was a no-brainer. Unfortunately, we broke up a few months ago. I actually just deleted Tinder. For now, I'm happy with getting to know guys offline. I feel like I haven't really explored what's out there yet and there are tons of people who are still doing the old fashion way - meeting people offline. But eventually, I probably would try out online dating again. Hey, I was an online dating success story, so of course online dating will be a go-to thing for me in the future."
Have you had success with online dating? Share your love stories or your horror stories in the comments with us below.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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