It's easy to feel discouraged when you read about business owners overcoming adversity and how women business owners are crushing it on Black Enterprise, Forbes and Essence, only to find out your breakthrough isn't here yet. As an aspiring womanpreneur yourself, you feel so close yet so far away at the same time.
You constantly compare your business to others to figure out what you are doing wrong, often doubting yourself and your God-given gifts, wondering why you don't have that "it factor" like your competitors, or haven't hit 20K followers on social media yet. You constantly check your email… Nothing. Right after you check your email, you log in to your Paypal account only to still find nothing or not enough for you to survive on. Oh, and let's not forget to mention frequently checking social media only to see very little engagement on your posts. You really thought this would be easier because a lot of people are making it look easy and now you are considering calling it quits.
But before you do that, I need you to take a deep breath and read this. Here are 8 questions to ask yourself when your business breakthrough seems like an eternity away:
Are You Being Honest with Yourself?
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It is time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and time to be honest with yourself. Are you being consistent? For the last 30-90 days, what have you done consistently in your business that will help you generate revenue?
If you study successful business people, they are usually strategically consistent. Sometimes when I feel stumped in business, I need to take a break and have a heart to heart with myself to find out why I am not being consistent or why I'm not following a plan. As creatives, we can get lost easily. Sometimes, sadly, the only consistent thing I am doing is scrolling on social media instead of putting in the essential work needed to level up. Don't beat yourself up about this, just make the change immediately and analyze if you made progress after the changes have been made.
Are You Trying to Do It All Yourself?
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Do you have Superwoman Syndrome and think you can run a business all by yourself? If you do, I have news for you, you are going to burn out. It may not happen today or three months from now, but it will catch up to you. Being a mom, wife, and teacher, I learned this the hard way and like many, when I burnout, I have no choice but to completely shut down.
To add fuel to the fire, you are comparing your business to corporations but you aren't operating like one. Yes, you are great at what you do but you, my love, you are only one person. It may be time to get help. You can't always create greatness alone. Greatness requires a team.
Teamwork makes the dream work isn't just a cute saying. It is the truth.
You may have to partner up with another business owner on a project, look into affiliate marketing, or hire help. Ask yourself who you can work with that will help you scale up.
Are You Operating In Real Time?
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Do you have systems in place, or is that newsletter going out when you feel like it and not on automatic? What about the process when people purchase from you? Are you manually sending out confirmation emails and tracking info?
Having systems in place will make your life easier, alleviate burnout, and make your on-boarding process smoother when hiring help. It can get hectic trying to post on social media, edit videos, connect and follow up potential clients, and/or seek partners all at once. Think about the tasks in your life that you can afford to put on automatic. Lastly, batching helps. Set aside a designated task to complete in a specific time frame.
For example, if you are a blogger, you can batch your blog posts by writing out your content in one setting or batching your photos for the month in a day, and so on. When I batch, I am more efficient and it alleviates overwhelmed feelings while keeping me consistent.
Are You Surrounded By Like-Minded People?
Running a business is hard enough but being overwhelmed and not having other business owners to talk to makes things harder.
When I started my business, I quickly learned that entrepreneurship can be very lonely. However, it doesn't have to be. There are many like-minded women that you can connect with locally or online. Some of my closest business besties are women I have met online.
Are You Only Settling for That Free .99?
Do you keep signing up for freebie after freebie and attending this person's free webinar only to be more confused than when you started?
There's a lot of noise on the internet and it can seriously cause you to lose your focus or make you believe that you need everyone and their best friend's program. Let's be real, you need to take action. If you are going to spend the time to attend a webinar, make sure you implement and execute what you learned or don't bother to waste the time to even attend or sign up. This applies to empowerment brunches and workshops too.
You have to do the work.
Sis, all those notes that you're jotting down need to be executed. Keep reading to learn how to get out of the free .99 mindset.
Are You Investing In Your Business?
Usually, when I invest in my business, whether it is taking a class, hiring a coach, or attending a seminar that I paid for, I make more than the investment back and learn a new skill to implement in my business. For example, with a business coach, I am able to execute my vision with their help faster than if I had to do it alone. Sorry to break it to you, but not having money to invest is not an excuse. I say this because we often get caught up in what we don't have before we focus on what we do have.
Both Google and the library are free resources. If you cannot pay for someone to tell you the information, then you have to take the time to research and learn things through trial and error.
Plus, books are inexpensive. There are tons of great business books written by experts that will teach you a lot in a short time. For example, if you need to learn more about copywriting, email marketing, or Facebook ads, there are books that will give you start. Also, there are free agencies that help new and old businesses. The sba.gov is a great resource. Check out entrepreneurial centers at your local universities and colleges. Some of them offer free one-on-one consults and they offer frequent business classes as well.
Who's Holding You Accountable?
Accountability is huge. When working a traditional job, you usually have a supervisor to report to. Typically, you have an annual review. You are held accountable to the company's standards, but when working for yourself, who is holding you accountable for staying on task and operating your business legally and efficiently?
This tip is often avoided, but it is not hard to find an accountability partner. Sometimes you can find another business owner and you two can make an arrangement to check in on each other for free. Accountability makes a significant difference. It keeps you on track and focused.
If The Time Comes, Can You Walk Away Like A Boss?
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I truly hope it doesn't have to get to this step, but if it does, then exit like a boss. Remember failing isn't always bad. It brings you closer to your success. Many successful business owners failed numerous times before finally getting it.
Before throwing your hard work away, research if anyone is willing to acquire your business. Don't leave anything out, including your domain name. For example, someone may not want to buy your business, but they may be willing to buy your domain name. Sell it if you are honestly done as opposed to letting the domain host make money off of your hard work when it expires.
When stores go out of business, they usually have a going out of business sale and sell everything down to the fixtures. What makes your business any different? One thing I notice is a lot of online businesses go out of business without a strategy. They don't even let their tribe know. You just go to their website and bluntly find out that it's no longer active or the social media handle no longer exists. Operate as a business until the very end.
I hope you found these tips helpful. I know how hard being an entrepreneur can be, but just know that I am rooting for you. We all can win. Let's stop idolizing what we see and start putting in the work on the things that we don't see. Keep being consistent and keep pushing. The world needs you and your business.
You got this girl, now get back to work.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
____
Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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