OK, so if you're like me, you have been taking full advantage of this never-ending quarantine, by exploring new hobbies, skills, and items to add to the menu. It's gotten so bad, that I find myself up on Al Gore's internet at 5:00am, aimlessly seeking new and adventurous ways to take advantage of our newfound free time—with experimenting with new recipes quickly becoming a fave.
And listen, I know we all have our favorite fabulous ladies (Divas Can Cook, Stove Top Kisses, Chef Ahki, Chef Danie, Chef Bae etc.) bookmarked as our current go-to recipe guides, but this time, I decided it was time to highlight the fellas—who are also quite literally making major moves in all facets of the plate.
So, ladies, grab your wine glass, kick your feet up, and enjoy the smells. The fellas are cooking tonight.
Chef Lamar J. Moore | Three-Cheese Mac & Cheese
Courtesy of Chef Lamar J. Moore
Career Highlight:
"I've had so many but as of recent, my career highlight would be winning the Food Network's Vegas Chef Prizefight!"
Length of Time as a Chef:
"20 years."
Favorite Dish to Cook:
"An elevated Three-Cheese Mac & Cheese."
Courtesy of Chef Lamar J. Moore
Encouraged to cook by his family, Chef Lamar J. Moore is a veteran that knows his way around Southern and French Cuisines. "My grandmother was an excellent cook, my Mom cooked all the time for us. I saw how it brought all of us to the table, as one, [for] one moment each day, no interruptions."
And from there, his influence would blossom into a lengthy list of accolades, including winning the executive chef's job at the upcoming Bugsy & Meyer's Steakhouse inside the Flamingo Las Vegas Hotel and Casino. But don't expect his newfound fame to get to his head. As for what's next for Chef Lamar, "[I plan to] continue to teach, mentor, support our restaurants, and peers, and most of all, enrich our communities."
You can also expect to see Chef Lamar on more television shows, opening restaurants, and releasing a cookbook.
Yessss, king!
To keep up with Chef Lamar's journey, you can follow him on Instagram @chef_ljm.
Chef Antonio J. Reed | Soy Ginger Lamb Chops
Courtesy of Chef Antonio J. Reed
Career Highlight:
"The most memorable moment in my career was the grand opening of my food truck, Fat Tony's. The support that I received from my friends and the community was nothing short of amazing!"
Length of Time as a Chef:
"9 years."
Favorite Dish to Cook:
"Soy Ginger Lamb Chops."
Courtesy of Chef Antonio J. Reed
Chef Antonio Reed, affectionately known as Chef Tone, specializes in Southern Comfort food and dishes that he has coined as Alabama Cajun. "My signature style is a combination of the boisterous flavors of the Caribbean, the heat of Cajun cuisine, with an undeniably southern flare."
As a chef with a budding 9+ year career that originally began as a need for employment, his passion quickly grew into something more meaningful. In a short time, Chef Antonio has managed to build a fanbase of supporters that includes the southern region's most impressive clientele. "Once I noticed a growing joy for creating delicious food, I realized that my passion was in making others happy through food. That's all it took for cooking to become my first love and my career took off."
Chef Antonio plans to release a much anticipated cookbook, which will be available for pre-order soon.
*has finger READY to order*
Follow or contact him on Instagram @Tone_Appetit to get a taste!
Chef Teren Green | Lobster Fettuccine w/ Sauteed Asparagus
Courtesy of Chef Teren Green
Career Highlight:
"The highlight of my career would 100% be my trip to France with the 2019 U.S. Women's Soccer Team to serve as Executive Chef during their World Cup win. Greatest two months of my life."
Length of Time as a Chef:
"10 years."
Favorite Dish to Cook:
'Any pasta dish. In this case, Lobster Fettuccine w/ Sauteed Asparagus."
Courtesy of Chef Teren Green
Chef Teren is the culinary powerhouse that you've never heard of, and his resume, which expands over 10 years, is quite literally—and impressively—one of a kind. Specializing in the sports and entertainment industry, Chef T (as Megan Rapinoe and Derrick Rose call him), is a day chef for the Detroit Pistons by day, and a highly sought-after chef by, well...any other time.
"My style is modern, I would say. I never try to place myself in a box, or do things a technical way. I respect the art but I'm OK with changing things up to fit the time."
Chef Teren plans to purchase a space to complete production of a few projects he has planned, as well as maintaining his impact of "giving back and teaching others in a way that will be unmatched."
Hashtag, MOVES.
You can also catch him on Instagram at @chef_teren.
Chef Darren Robinson | Flambéd Fresh Crack Pepper Steak
Courtesy of Chef Darren Robinson
Career Highlight:
"My career highlight came in the form of my biggest challenge: my first travel gig. I catered over 200 people for a three-series event: happy hour, dinner, and afterparty. It was challenging but rewarding. A great learning experience."
Length of Time as a Chef:
"6 years."
Favorite Dish to Cook:
"Flambé Fresh Crack Pepper Steak."
Courtesy of Chef Darren Robinson
Chef Darren may be a newbie to the game, but he is making his mark through creating his own waves in the industry. This versatile, all-around chef isn't looking for the flashing lights, but instead moments that make his clients happy, no matter who they are. "I grew up watching the food channel and watched both of my grandmothers in the kitchen. I actually didn't take culinary arts seriously until my late 20's, which is when I decided to pursue it professionally. But now, I truly enjoy when people are impacted by my food. I enjoy making people smile."
Doesn't matter if it's homemade pasta, baking, or meal prepping, Chef Darren does it all.
You can find him making bomb meals—whether one plate or five hundred—and continuing to build his business one mouth at a time.
Show out, king!
To follow his journey, you can find him on Instagram @d_rob501.
Patrick A Glanville | Jerk Chocolate Crunch Bars
Courtesy of Patrick A Glanville
Career Highlight:
"Becoming a Certified Belgium Chocolatier by training in Belgium with the world's largest Chocolate Academy, Callebaut. We've also been featured and/or mentioned in many news outlets like Black Enterprise, Good Day New York, ABC, CTStyle, Newsday, News8th wnht.com, Shoppeblackus, and many more."
Length of Time as a chef Chocolatier:
"Since the age of 10, but technically 4 years."
Favorite Dish to Cook:
"My grandmother's Jerk Chocolate Crunch Bars."
Courtesy of Patrick A Glanville
So, Patrick may not be a classic chef (at least in this instance), but he is certainly cooking up something worth discussing. His specialty is confectionery chocolates, as the founder of 3Some Chocolates. He is highly trained in the art of delicacies and alongside his wife, trailblazing a lane not often driven by...us.
"From a young age, my grandmother taught me how to temper and create a variety of chocolate treats with her special recipe, which is now our trademark recipe, Jerk Chocolate."
Although Patrick cannot quite disclose the full recipe for his jerk chocolate (it's a well-guarded, patented family recipe), he welcomes us to fall in love with them just as he did.
Add his signature jerk chocolate on top of your favorites cupcake recipe, bomb chocolate liquor cocktail, or pair with an amazing wine—and sit back as you impress your friends with this conversation starter.
Thank you, granny!
You may also find Chef Patrick on Instagram @patrickanvil.
Featured image via Patrick A Glanville
That’s part of the reason why the term “casual sex” irks me to the billionth degree (check out “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'”); it’s because, even if you think that sex with someone is next-to-nothing, there is so much going on within you (oxytocin highs, if you’re unprotected, fluid bonding, chemical reactions in your brain, etc.) that doesn’t know if someone is “the one” (in your mind) or not. So, in many ways, it acts like they are (check out this YouTube video from a Catholic woman who studies some unexpected ways that sex affects us physically here; sex goes deep, y’all!).
Yeah, sex is so much more than a notion, and that’s why I’m a firm believer that it is such a barometer for long-term relationships overall — because, as I’ve shared before, I once read that, “Good sex in a relationship is 10 percent of the relationship while bad sex in a relationship is 90 percent of the relationship because sex tends to set the tone for what’s happening in the rest of the house.”
And that’s why I think that there are certain sex-related issues that can not only damage your sex life with your partner but could also end up ruining your relationship if you’re not careful (very careful). Let’s get into seven of them now.
1. Being Unaware of Your “Body Clock”
GiphyI can’t tell you how many clients I’ve had who’ve come to me in some serious trouble, in part due to their flailing (or partly nonexistent) sex life. When I ask them if they went to premarital counseling (if you’re engaged, please do; you have a 33 percent greater chance of avoiding divorce when counseling transpires), many say “no” and the ones who say “yes” usually say that it was no more than 3-5 sessions and the topic of sex barely came up (le sigh). Meanwhile, with my premarital meetings, I try and stick with intimacy for three months if I can because there is a lot to unpack, from what you learned as a child, to your first time (or if you are a virgin), to your needs and fantasies, to how you see it from a spiritual perspective — like I said, there is a lot to unpack there.
Take the mere practicality of sex, for example — and more specifically, your body clock. Do you prefer to have sex at night or in the daytime? A lot of couples struggle with intimacy because one prefers the former while the other likes the latter. Do you keep track of when you’re ovulating? It’s pure science why you are probably hornier during that time of the month (because your body is signaling that it’s time to conceive) vs. the fact that you might not be the most interested in sex when you’re PMS’ing. Are you premenopausal? Hormones shift a lot during that time, and here’s the thing — while menopause only lasts a year, the premenopausal stage (which typically starts between 45-55) can last between 7-14 years. Even paying attention to when you have more energy (some do in the day…morning sex, anyone? While others do early in the evening) can play a role.
So yeah, getting to know your body clock (and discussing your partner’s clock with them) can play a role in how much — or how little — sex you have…and that can add life or drain it from the relationship overall.
2. Comparing Your Present with Your Past
GiphyThere is a wife of almost 20 years I know who, when I asked her if she thought that her husband was good in bed, she paused for a second, shrugged her shoulders, and simply said, “I was a virgin when I got married, so I have nothing to compare him to. I mean, he’s good to me.” On the flip side, there’s a now divorced couple who I also know (who almost made it to 20 years) who had multiple partners before each other while also having a deep interest in porn who once said to me, “Sometimes, there’s as much as 15 people in our bed because of all of the people from our past and the porn that we’ve seen that’s running through our heads.” Yeah, y’all can act like body counts don’t matter, but there is so much evidence out here that says otherwise — that couple just gave one that doesn’t get talked about as much as it should.
You know, one of my favorite throwback shows is King of Queens (Kevin James, Leah Remini). A few weeks ago, I watched a rerun where Doug and Carrie were talking about the images that come up in their minds, sometimes during sex. Neither was too happy about it, and I can totally see why. I mean, if sex was just about “getting off” (and it’s not), then whatever. However, AGAIN, it’s also about connecting with your partner on a mental and emotional level, and that’s hard to do if you’re there with them in the body while you’re fantasizing about a celebrity, a porn actor (porn is usually acting, don’t let it fool you) or an ex (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”).
And what if that is what’s going on? I once spoke with a sex therapist about this very thing. What she said is people should be less concerned about celebs (if it’s on occasion) and more concerned about that ex because rarely is sex with an ex…just about the sex.
And that’s why this point made the list. If you’re physically with your partner and mentally or emotionally with your ex at the same time, please don’t ignore that. There are definitely some unresolved issues there that you need to work through, whether it’s with a therapist, counselor, or coach, a trusted friend (who won’t add fuel to the literal fire), or even with your ex — although you might want to run that by your partner first because…I’m pretty sure you’d want him to do that with/for you. RIGHT?
3. Not Being Clear About Your Sexual Needs
GiphyQuestion — if someone were to walk up to you right now and ask you what your top seven sexual needs are, along with what your top five sexual dealbreakers are, would you be able to answer? It really is kind of wild how many people get upset with their partner for not being able to sexually satisfy them when even they can’t articulate what they need/require in order for that to happen. Yeah, it’s another article for another time about how many people UNREALISTICALLY (and yes, I am yelling it) think that someone loving them well means that they should be able to read their mind. Nope.
It truly can’t be said enough that sex — especially good sex — is about communication. Hmph. It makes me think about a clip that I saw from Tonight’s Conversation podcast (can’t find it at the moment; sorry) where a woman asked how she should tell her partner that he hasn’t been pleasing her, I believe she said for years. My first thought was if he doesn’t know that, she must be faking orgasms (more on that in a bit) which is not only lying — well, it is —, but it’s also pretty counterproductive because while he thinks that he’s “getting the job done,” she’s not fulfilled and resentment is setting in.
Please don’t let rom-coms (fiction) and social media (which is oftentimes fictitious) have you out here thinking that a good lover is someone you automatically gel with who knows exactly what to do; sometimes that is the case, and oftentimes it isn’t.
So, if the sex-related issue that you’re having in your relationship is that your sexual needs aren’t being met, first do you (and your partner) a favor by doing some sex journaling (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”) so that you can tangibly see what those needs are and then plan time within the next week or so to pour a couple of glasses of wine, put on some 90s R&B and discuss with your partner what you need. Because actually, what a good lover is, is someone who listens and retains. This brings me to the next point.
4. Minimizing Your Partner’s Sexual Needs
GiphyA husband once told that when he and his wife were in premarital counseling, something that he mentioned was a bona fide need was fellatio. According to him, his wife told both him and their counselor that she loved giving head. Fast forward to eight years of being in their union, and guess how many times that act went down? A measly four. FOUR TIMES (check out “Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?”).
It’s another message for another time, the amount of people who will “false advertise” during the dating stage in order to get to their goal of marriage. It’s also another message for another time how much that is a form of manipulation that tends to backfire in ways that the manipulator is oftentimes not prepared for.
For now, what I will say, is never think that just because something may not be a need for you that it isn’t a legitimate one for someone else. I mean, how would you feel if that’s how someone treated you? Yeah…exactly.
Yet that is just what happens in a lot of relationships, including when it comes to their bedroom. They will think that their needs should be met, hands down, yet when their partner comes with what’s important to them, all of a sudden, there is dismissiveness, nonchalance, and/or excuses — and how could that not rear its ugly head on so many levels?
Your partner’s sexual needs are essential, even if they are not your own. Never assume that you automatically know everything about them. Also, never assume that what worked two years ago is what will “scratch the itch” now. Hmph. Come to think of it, while you’re sipping on that wine and clearly articulating to him what turns you on, use that as an opportunity to ask him to return the favor. Listen with humility, receptiveness, and intent — the best kind of relationships process their partner’s needs with this kind of vibe…across the board.
5. Taking the “If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It” Approach
GiphyLazy lovers. When you hear that phrase, what’s the first thing that comes to your mind? If it’s someone who is just lying there during sex, that would certainly qualify; however, I’m actually speaking of a different kind of laziness here. Believe it or not, some synonyms for lazy include words like apathetic, inattentive, tired, passive (cough, cough), procrastinating, neglectful, and slacking. So yeah, if you and/or your partner can use any of these words to define what sex is consistently like between the two of you — red flag, red flag…RED FREAKIN’ FLAG.
Speaking of being passive, another potentially serious sex-related problem is taking on the attitude that if something ain’t broke, you shouldn’t fix it. What I mean by that is, just because you know that getting on top and riding for exactly six-and-a-half minutes is what will get your partner off, that doesn’t mean that it should be your automatic go-to all of the damn time.
Why? Because. While a part of the fun of having sex is “reaching the peak,” another component that should never be underestimated is discovering new territory: trying new positions, creating a sex bucket list, taking (more) sexcations, playing sex-themed board games (put that phrase in Amazon or on Etsy’s site and go ham!)…you know, doing what will inspire creativity and deter either of you from becoming bored.
That said, a husband of 17 years once told me, “A man can be satisfied with the same woman. We just don’t want the same kind of sex with her.” Words to live by. Yes, indeed.
6. Using Sex as a Deflection or Coping Mechanism
GiphyA few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good” — and with good cause. Words cannot express how many divorced (or soon-to-be divorced) women have told me that a part of what kept them in their marriage, for as long as they stayed in it, was the fact that the sex with their husband was beyond amazing…even though so much other stuff completely and totally sucked. Hey, good sex isn’t a bad thing (c’mon now); however, if it’s the only real thing that’s keeping you with someone, it can turn out to be a toxic deflector.
The reason why I say that is the purpose of sex isn’t to make love; it’s to celebrate it. And if all you’re doing with your partner is f — king and fighting or avoiding issues by stripping down or thinking that sex will “make it all better,” all the while not really knowing what the problem/issue is or what needs to be done to get down to the root of it, that is using sex as a pacifier and again, that’s not what sex is designed to be. Sex doesn’t deserve the pressure of being the end-all to “fixing” ish.
So, if what’s transpiring in your relationship lately is very little talking and a whole lot of sexing, and then once the sex is over, something still feels “off,” that’s a good indication that you’re misusing sex on some level. Get out of the bed, put on a robe, and do some talking (preferably in a room other than the bedroom; leave that space for sex and sleep only as much as possible). Because remember — as much as the wives that I mentioned said that their husbands once had them climbing the walls, those men are still ex-husbands now. Bottom line, sex is good, yet when it comes to keeping a relationship together, it will never be enough. Again, it was never designed to be.
7. Faking It
GiphyI will never be a fan of faking orgasms. Maybe it’s because I’m a Gemini (we may be a lot of things, but “fake” isn’t really our style). Maybe it’s because I’m a very word-literal individual, and I know that fake means things like “prepare or make (something specious, deceptive, or fraudulent)” and “to conceal the defects of or make appear more attractive, interesting, valuable, etc., usually in order to deceive.” Or perhaps it’s because I don’t get how acting like you’re sexually fulfilled when you actually aren’t is doing anyone any good. Whatever it is, whenever a client (or someone in general because men fakealmost as much as women do) tells me that it’s something they do, I immediately find myself on a mission to shut that mess down (check out “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP”). ALL THE WAY DOWN.
The main reason is that, regardless of if the motive is to hurry things along, not hurt your partner’s feelings, or it’s something more cryptic than that (cough, cough, some form of manipulation tactic), there’s no way around the fact that fakeness is tied to deception and deception is a word that should never be connected to a healthy sexual dynamic.
Besides, one could argue that faking is a form of deflection as well because…wouldn’t it be better to just get it all out in the open WHY you are doing it than to keep pretending when life is too short and great sex is too good to not get the absolute most out of it, as much as possible?
Besides, again, chances are that if you’re faking that you’re sexually pleased, you’re probably faking something else in your relationship (or situation), and how could that possibly be good, right, or beneficial?
Yeah, when it comes to being satisfied across the board, please don’t fake it. State your case in the way that you’d like to hear something said to you, and let the chips fall where they may. If you’ve got a good man, he’s gonna — no pun — rise to the occasion. If his ego can’t handle it, well…that’s something that you should find out sooner than later — when it comes to the bedroom and outside of it? Right? #shoyouright
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Featured image by Giphy
