I know that when a lot of us think of October (at least as far as holidays go), Halloween is what immediately comes to mind. But did you know that it's also National Pizza Month and National Emotional Wellness Month? Or that October 1 was National Hair Day? Some other unique days to acknowledge include National Stop Bullying Day (October 9), National Curves Day (October 10), National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day (October 15), National Black Poetry Day (October 17) and, a personal favorite, National Chocolate Day (October 28). But out of all of the days that are getting special shout-outs this month, I think the one that I appreciate the most is today—National Inner Beauty Day.
Let's be real. In a world of selfies, filters and fillers, it's not like the media—or society at large even—makes it a point to drive home the point that, no matter how much time, effort, energy and coins that we put into adorning our outer appearance, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter all that much if our inner beauty isn't all that, well, beautiful.
And even though your mama, granny and auntie probably told you this about a trillion times while growing up, did you ever wonder what "inner beauty" is actually referring to? In a pretty cool article that I read on the topic of inner beauty vs. outer beauty, the author said this:
"Inner beauty does not only have to be about loving what you're born with but also about what you are like as a person. Inner beauty is your intelligence, hobbies, aspirations—mostly what made you into who you are. It is also about the choices you have made in your life, your childhood dreams, how you are as a company."
To me, that speaks to two main things—our personality and our character. And yes, it is truly wonderful that there is an entire day set aside for us all to reflect on and then celebrate what is at the very core of our being.
So, no matter what else is already on your to-do list today, start (or finish) your Monday off right by focusing on what makes you the rare and awesome person that you are. Make sure to honor what exists even without any make-up, push-up bras or red bottoms. Love on what makes you truly shine—your inner beauty.
Inner Beauty Is Your Personality
"Your smile is your logo. Your personality is your business card. How you leave others feeling after an experience with you becomes your trademark."—Jay Danzie
"Personality" is the kind of word that a lot of us use, even if we can't concisely explain what the word means.
Basically, your personality is the various traits and patterns that cause you to think, feel and act the way that you do. It is truly the fingerprint of your being.
It's also the kind of word that garners all sorts of adjectives including—ambitious, funny, smart, snarky, creative, introverted, extroverted, reliable, compassionate, optimistic, spiritual…you get the gist.
One of the reasons why it's so important to figure out your personality and then protect it is because the more you know about what makes you unique, the more you come to understand that 1) probably not everyone is going to "vibe" with your personality which is totally OK, and 2) the things that you like about your personality, you need to nurture; the things that you don't, you can make adjustments to. Just make sure that you always keep in mind that personality speaks to individuality and that's something that you should love on, not downplay. Today or ever.
How to Celebrate Your Personality
Take a personality test (or series of tests).
One way to celebrate your personality is to get to know it better. Personality tests are a tool that can make that possible for you. When I took a (free) one on 16 Personalities, it told me that I was a "protagonist". When I read its breakdown of why, it made complete and total sense. Personality tests are cool because it can help certain things about you that may initially seem unclear easier to understand. Once the light bulb turns on, that can make it easier for you to settle into your own skin more.
Schedule a standing pampering appointment.
What does pampering have to do with your personality? Girl, a lot. I'll give you a personal example. I consider myself to be a creative. Mine is in the lane of writing more than anything else. And since I'm constantly hacking away on my laptop and I'm always looking at my fingers (and toes since they are usually propped up), a mani/pedi appointment, at least a couple of times a month, is something that I am totally unapologetic about. It's my way of not only giving my hands and fingers some extra special attention, but my nail tech is always rolling her eyes because she knows I'm going to come up with some crazy way to decorate my nails too. It's a way of having fun with the very things that work so hard to help me to fulfill my purpose.
So yeah, thinking about parts of your personality and what you can do to pamper some of your favorite traits is also a great way to celebrate your personality and inner beauty overall.
Buy yourself something that expresses your personality.
I say it all of the time. I am definitely a walking human billboard; tees are sho 'nuf my thing. Fairly recently, I purchased a shirt (shout out to The Trini Gee and all of her crowning wokeness) that has a picture of some freed slaves on it with a caption underneath that says, "stereotyped as lazy ever since we stopped working for free". It's a bit shocking and direct. I have the tendency to be the same way, at times. Also, every year, I make a point to purchase a piece of jewelry with a stone or crystal that represents my focus for the next 12 months. It's another way to express my personality.
Another thing that you can do to celebrate your own personality is to think of what colors or gemstones or items that you can customize that will distinctively convey who you are without saying a word. After all, one's style is one of the best ways to exude their personality, no doubt.
Throw a "Let's Celebrate Ourselves" party with some friends.
While you're out here celebrating your own personality, how about taking a moment to reflect on the fact that you've actually got people in your life who complement your individuality and that you are able to reciprocate that energy right on back to them? If that ain't worth sharing a bottle of wine, a dinner or something, I don't know what is!
If you do decide to throw an impromptu "Let's Celebrate Our Own Damn Selves" party, something that could be cute is for each of you to be assigned a friend. Then think of a personality trait that best defines them, get a small gift that exudes it and have them guess what trait the gift reflects. Having a party that is all about how dope you and your friends' personalities are? Can it get any better than that?
Inner Beauty Is Your Character
"Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God."—I Peter 3:3-4(NKJV)
I know, right? Did you peep how the Bible put inner beauty right out there on front street? For the record, this doesn't say that there is anything wrong with caring about your appearance or adorning yourself. It simply says that it shouldn't take precedence over your heart and spirit. And, it shouldn't.
Whenever I think of character, I think of the quote by Paul Rabil that says, "Character is what you do when no one else is watching." Indeed.
What folks post on their socials isn't automatically or necessarily their character. What they are willing to do without an audience or if they knew there would be no consequences for their behavior? That is the core of their "moral or ethical quality".
And yes, that too is a part of what comprises our inner beauty (or inner ugly, if we're not careful). Character is what beckons us to mature, be self-aware and act like responsible human beings. Now, how in the world do you celebrate that part of you?
How to Celebrate Your Character
Treat yourself for doing something that stretched your character this year.
Something that someone in my world used to say all of the time, whenever I would ask her how she is doing is, "I'm building character." I don't know what 2019 did for you, but what it did for me was show me how to take ownership for my actions while not allowing others to manipulate me for theirs. As a result of being able to do that, I've been able to make peace with some folks who I used to be anything but peaceful with. And chile, that stretched me so much that you better believe I'm going to celebrate the growth!
Along these same lines, think of an area of your life where your own blood, sweat and tears have helped you to become a better and stronger individual. Whatever that is, do something special to commemorate it. Any time we "build character", that is worthy of recognition and jubilee—a few times over.
Find a motto, quote and theme song for your life.
I need to get a T-shirt made that says "B-Side" on it because I'm the girl who likes the songs that never becomes singles. Take Brandy's unreleased track "Freedom" for instance. There is something about her singing/saying, "Free to run on the water/Free to believe free to love/Free to speak that mountain off the ground" that hypes me up every time I hear it. A self-made motto that I live by is "Love is a gift, not a bribe." (Some of y'all will catch that later.) A quote that is a foundational truth in my life is a Leo Buscaglia one that I try to "sneak into" copy as often as I possibly can:
"As soon as the love relationship does not lead me to me, as soon as I in a love relationship do not lead another person to himself, this love, even if it seems to be the most secure and ecstatic attachment I have ever experienced, is not true love. For real love is dedicated to continual becoming."
For me, all three of these things speak to true inner freedom which is what I desire to have a lot in this particular season of my life. As you're thinking of ways to celebrate your character, what are the mottos, quotes and songs that "trigger" you in the best ways possible?
Get yourself a new self-help book, journal or Bible.
At the top of the month, singer Erica Campbell was on The Breakfast Club. A part of what she talked about was her new book More Than Pretty: Doing the Soul Work that Uncovers Your True Beauty. When she was asked about why she believed that the book was needed at this time, one of the things that she said was it was all about "Being honest with the good and bad of you." Seems to me that her offering is right on time for what we're talking about.
Why not gift yourself with this book, some other self-help book, a new journal or maybe even a new Bible? Sometimes, the best way to honor your inner self is to seek out books and tools that will help you to dig deeper into who you are and what your inner being truly needs.
Set a Fruit of the Spirit goal.
Let's end this on a spiritual high note. Whether you are a Bible follower or not, the characteristics that make up the Fruit of the Spirit are divine and purpose-filled ones. According to Galatians 5:22, they are "love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control". Something that I do every 16 months or so is pick one of these traits to "grow up" in. This year, it was peace. Next year…maybe gentleness. We'll see.
As I wind all of this down, in honor of strengthening your character and becoming even more radiant as it relates to your own inner beauty, consider also being more intentional when it comes to learning about love, joy or (have mercy) self-control. A Latin-American actor by the name of Dolores Del Rio once said, "Take care of your inner, spiritual beauty. That will reflect in your face."
Y'all, inner beauty is better than any lipstick, eyeshadow or anything else you could put on. Let today be a reminder that if you take care of your inner beauty, your outer beauty will take care of itself. Happy National Inner Beauty Day, everyone!
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Here's How To Know You're At Total Peace With Yourself
I've Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul
Quick & Easy Self-Esteem Hacks That Will Have You Feeling Yourself
10 Things That Are Making Your Life Unnecessarily Complicated
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RELATED
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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