On Black Women, Feminism & The Evolution Of Hip-Hop
Black women emcees have been an essential part of sculpting hip-hop music since the late '70s. The genre has grown from the streets of New York City to become one of the most influential musical genres in the world. Though hip-hop is still a very male-dominated industry, women have made their way of snatching the sound and owning their place in the industry.
When female rappers entered the scene, they showed up with bars as prolific or better than their male counterparts — dressed from head to toe in a sexy tomboy flair that was beyond captivating on stage. Black women emcees have created their own lane, starting from battle rapping about systemic challenges in the Bronx, N.Y., to going all the way "Up" with Cardi B celebrating sexual liberation.
Bardi Gang GIF by Cardi BGiphy
However, some of the biggest challenges in hip-hop music lie in the lack of radical feminism in the genre that shows a vast display of Black women artists of every shade, size, and sexuality—without being hypersexualized. They all need to be seen and celebrated as a mass-market artist.
Over the last few generations, the evolution of hip-hop's purpose and sound has changed dramatically—mainly for mass production and consumption. That's expected because change is inevitable in every form of music, but hip-hop is unique. It was used to amplify the voice of the unheard and highlight systemic oppression related to race and class issues. However, its hypermasculine aspect has always made combating sexism one of the most complex areas to address and has posed a challenge to forging progressive, long-term opportunities for Black women rappers.
Hip-hop scholar Kylie Thompson states in the analysis, When Feminism Meets Hip-Hop, "Some female hip-hop emcees have been able to challenge the sexist culture of the industry and assert a black feminist voice; albeit the large-scale commercialization of hip-hop makes it especially difficult for women's voices to be heard in a political context that runs counter to pervasive patriarchal structures. Thus, women must carefully adapt, form, and manipulate language in order to make their music both marketable and political."
These circumstances have made it significantly more difficult for women rappers to compete in a market that could care less about women succeeding in it because a high percentage of the content is about objectifying them.
Black women emcees carry a different burden on their shoulders: to be Black, female, get the same opportunities as their male counterparts, and remain in high demand on the global charts. Black artists shouldn't just be the backbone to the sound. They should also be the face of the evolved sound.
This is a tribute to icons and holds them accountable so we can all show up better for all Black female hip-hop artists in the game, respectfully!
Let's take a deep dive into the evolution of hip-hop, amplifying the various forms of feminism throughout the genre's history, addressing hypersexuality, colorism, pretty privilege, and body positivity:
Black Feminism in Hip-Hop: Radical vs. Liberal
Before we can talk about the state of Black women artists in hip-hop, we must first broach the subject of feminism and the essence it carries in the music. Though every Black women artist isn't as intentional about being a feminist, most of the world automatically perceives them to be because of the lineage that several Black women iconic emcees started prior. There are two primary forms of feminism that are often conveyed in hip-hop; radical and liberal feminism, they are both needed, but the bigger question is whether they are both as appreciated by today's society.
Radical Black feminism came first because it was the only acceptable way to compete in the market with their male counterparts in the 70s. Hip-hop feminism centers Black women's voices via hip-hop as a means to increase agency, self-definition, and self-determination. Self-definition, according to scholar Patrick D. Bennett, refers to how Black women express their identities and experiences for themselves, while self-determination allows for Black women to choose who or what they want to be. In the documentary My Mic Sounds Nice: The Truth About Women and Hip-Hop, legendary hip-hop artist Roxanne Shantel said, "It wasn't about make-up or having outfits ready, I rapped in whatever I had on when I had a show or battle rap because it was about talent not looks."
In this timeframe of hip-hop, if you weren't a lyricist as a women emcee, you couldn't compete. And Black women rap artists like MC Lyte, Salt-N-Pepa, J.J.Fad, Queen Latifah, and the one-and-only Ms. Lauryn Hill, didn't hesitate to challenge sexism, addressing men and how they talk to or talk about women.
Hip-hop thought leader Imani Perry has written about this struggle within the male-dominated field, stating, "As a masculinist form with masculinist aesthetics, hip-hop and the art form's masculinist ideals of excellence and competitiveness have often forced women to occupy roles gendered male."
And the freedom men have to be anything they want to be, and most of society enables them without question, isn't the same expectation that applies to women—who are more likely to get harshly criticized by society collectively.
As hip-hop evolved in the 90s, the sound changed dramatically from women hip-hop artists, and liberal feminism became more mainstream and left radical feminism a bit in the shadows of hip-hop instead of it being its main focus. Kylie further states that "liberal feminism boils down to individualism, positing the individual as the 'be-all, end-all of social life. This line of reasoning essentially aims to change or undo the socialization of individuals so that women can have and do what men can have and do." Liberal feminism brought forth undeniable individuality but took away from perpetuating social change and ignored the more significant issue of patriarchy.
In comparison, radical feminism addresses the collective issues the patriarchal system often looks away from. There is space for both radical and liberal feminism. But when it becomes too much of one versus the other, it often becomes detrimental to Black women rappers' progression in the industry.
Liberal Feminism And The Cost Of Hypersexuality In Hip-Hop
Booty GIF by Doja CatGiphyHypersexuality orchestrated by female hip-hop artists has become one of today's modern-day forms of feminism — to some, it may be an illusion, and to others, it may be perceived as power. The rise of liberal feminism exploring sexual liberation stemmed from the '90s with female artists Lil' Kim and Foxy Brown, both having an aligned rise in the industry that led to a divine royal battle. They brought unapologetic power to Black women's stance in hip-hop; both of them were phenomenal rappers that everyone wanted to listen to.
If you weren't listening to Notorious K.I.M., you were listening to Chyna Doll. But their sexualized stance also subconsciously brought a lot of pressure to other Black women artists in the industry.
In the documentary, My Mic Sounds Nice: The Truth about Women and Hip-Hop, Missy Elliott talked about feeling that "maybe I gotta go a little tighter to be sexy to be more acceptable," after Kim and Foxy took over the scene.
KMazur/WireImage via Getty Images
This changed the game entirely for women emcees and has made it a lot harder for radical women rappers to have a chance at success in mainstream hip-hop because most music today is being based on sexualization and very little content that speaks to the reality of the everyday woman.
Feminist writer Ariel Levy affirmed this further by saying that such a culture isn't progressive when women are capable of acting as participants of their own objectification. So we can't just blame men for objectifying us when now we are taking part in the same perspective to convince society that Black women rappers are enough and are as valuable to their male counterparts and that we'll agree to produce what sells most, delivering a homogeneous perspective of female dominance in today's hip-hop climate.
We have to be held as accountable as our male counterparts if we want to see sustaining change.
Communications studies professor-Jared Ball of Morgan State University wrote, "Today's contemporary hip-hop from women paves a space for these women, instead, to become the representative, as they have been increasingly able to compete and succeed with the men in the same genre. Regardless of artistic intent and the artist's desire to claim agency of their own bodies, these still may not exempt them from objectification."
So though Black women rappers are finally taking up more of the spotlight, their integrity is being challenged based on how they'd like to present themselves. Do all women in the game want to show more skin, or is it encouraged by people behind the lens of those scenarios?
To paint a picture of how powerful hypersexuality is in the industry, let's think of some of the most popular Black women rappers, Nicki Minaj, Cardi B, and Megan Thee Stallion. Though Minaj may be a bit more well-versed in the content she raps about, her biggest hits stem from the hypersexual lens. Lyrics like these featured in her song "Boss Ass Bitch":
P-p-p-pussy like girls
Damn, is my pussy gay?
It's a holiday, Play-With-My-Pussy Day
Pussy this, pussy that, pussy taken
Pussy ride dick like she a Jamaican
Pussy stay warm, pussy on vacation
You loose bitches need a pussy renovation
Y-y-you could eat it with a pussy reservation
P-p-pussy 'bout to get a standin' ovation
Clap, clap, clap for this pussy, nigga
The line, "But I can't give this pussy to a pussy nigga" depicts the imagery of manipulation and power plays gained through sex.
Most of Megan Thee Stallion's Billboard hits are all hypersexualized, from "Body," "Cry Baby," "Thot Shit," and "Savage," to "Hot Girl Summer."
In Stallion's song "Cry Baby," she raps:
Lay on my stomach, toot it up, do the crybaby (crybaby)
Look back, hold it open, now he annihilated (yeah)
Moaning like a bitch when he hit this pussy
Damn, he probably wanna wear my hoodie (ah)
Choke me, spank me, look at me, thank me (thank me)
If I give it to another nigga, he'll hate me (he'll hate me)
Spit, slurp, give him that work
Fell too fast for me, now the nigga hurt."
And as a result of parading the excess liberal feminism, she was recently awarded three Grammys in 2021 for "Best New Artist," "Best Rap Song," and "Best Rap Performance"—so in more ways than one society is fully here for hypersexuality being the center of the conversation.
And Cardi B's Billboard hits like "Up," "WAP," "Wildside" have been in high demand based on the several weeks they stayed glued to the top 10 spots on the Billboard charts. So at this point, their success sets the mark for what's in demand from Black women artists compared to vice versa. Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion's "WAP" came in at No. 2 on the staff's pick of the best rap songs for 2020, and it spent four weeks as the No.1 spot on the Billboard charts.
Then you have our good sis Nicki Minaj's "Anaconda," which spent 26 weeks at No.1 on the Billboard charts and perpetuates the image that appeals to mass audiences. Because of its success, this type of music will continue to be produced.
In that sense, liberal feminism supersedes the industry beliefs of radical feminism and its ability to sell. Sex sells, and songs about the collective do not.
Paras Griffin/Getty Images
The one-and-only Lauryn Hill's "Doo Wop (That Thing)," produced in 1998, was No. 1 on the Billboard charts for 22 weeks? The insanely talented and lyricist Missy Elliott still doesn't have a Billboard No.1 hit to this day, which is disheartening because of the impact she has had on hip-hop music, coming through with unmatched energy and bars as charismatic as any man or woman before or after her—yet it is not as valued collectively by music executives and society.
Where does the hip-hop industry allow women like Rapsody, Tierra Whack, Noname, Chika, and Little Simz the same opportunity to shine like most mainstream women artists that often project the homogeneous lens to thrive and compete in this highly ego-driven industry?
In many ways, we can't fully blame liberal women artists because they are trying to compete in a market that was never built for them, but the question is at what cost? Hip-hop scholars mentioned, "Many women have turned to claim or embrace their sexualities under the guise of true empowerment because they feel valued as a sexual object... But this liberal sexual empowerment, claiming the right to assert the individual agency to sexualize oneself, is only an illusion because the power given still comes from men and the male gaze."
And the biggest question of them all is why are most mainstream Black women artists light skin, bi-racial, or racially ambiguous, and the majority of the underground women rappers are dark skin women?
It's far from ironic that this is very much on script with the extensive history of colorism that affects Black women more than Black men in the music industry.
Colorism, Pretty Privilege And Body Positivity In Hip-Hop
Colorism to many ears may come off like a tiresome topic, but it's a very much-needed conversation in regards to dark skin Black women being misrepresented in the industry. And often, feelings of inadequacy crafted by colorist themes materialize in Black female rappers as well. Years ago, Lil' Kim spoke about her deep-rooted insecurities based on her complexion and body, leading to her extensive obsession with tons of cosmetic surgeries and skin bleaching.
Kim stated, "I have low self-esteem, and I always have. Guys always cheated on me with women who were European-looking. You know, the long-hair type, really beautiful women that left me thinking, 'How can I compete with that?' Being a regular black girl wasn't good enough."
Lil' Kim's struggle with being a "regular Black girl," and the apparent rejection of her Blackness by Black men even before entering the rap industry shows that America's European standards of beauty produce a proclivity for light skin by men and a lack of self-confidence in Black women, as seen in Lil' Kim.
With these European standards of beauty palpable in every part of the media and pop culture, its presence in rap is not nonplus. However, rap could change this narrative of "light is right." That toxic mindset and pretty privilege often co-exist in the hip-hop industry, allowing many individuals instant success if they fit a certain aesthetic. An interesting exception was when Saweetie went viral after she dropped her single "Icy Girl" and Hot 97's Ebro Darden didn't perpetuate the same narrative during an interview in February 2018. He described her freestyle as "basic" and mentioned she needed to work harder to "impress" him.
Regardless of his commentary, the bar is very low for certain female rappers to have easy access to success over their peers based on complexion. The industry is not as much fixated on thought-provoking lyrics and their impact. When you add the layers of additional intersectional walks of sexuality, particularly darker shades of women, and fatphobia–there is an inevitable amount of trauma and rejection to work through.
Grammy-nominated artist Chika told The Root, "I am not the spokesperson for body positivity. I'm not the spokesperson for being dark-skinned. I'm not the spokesperson for having a nappy-ass dread head. I am none of those things. Stop asking me questions that you should figure out for yourself."
The reality is Black men aren't pressed because they are dark-skinned or wear their fades or cornrows, but Black women are often trolled for their Blackness, and the guidelines are incredibly rigid and overwhelming to maneuver through. It's like just being Black and a woman is a more significant problem.
When white women wear the same hairstyles and get the additional surgeries enhancements, it's edgy and glorified, but let a Black woman be herself, and it's a problem. In Lizzo and Cardi B's song "Rumors" the duo challenges stereotypes of their personal trauma of not ever feeling like they amount too much, Lizzo is tenaciously working through fatphobia commentary.
And Cardi B recently addressed rumors about her BBL and other surgeries to enhance her assets. The reality is, there have been underlying, deep-rooted issues in hip-hop that normalize the practice of artists suppressing their pain and insecurities.
This needs to be dismantled so Black women artists can have the space to not always feel like they need to take life-threatening measures for validation or to compete.
The Future For Black Women In Hip-Hop
Saweetie Dojacat GIF by Trés SheGiphyThe moral of the story: We need the balance of both worlds—radical and liberal feminism. There is room for both conversations to be had; everything does not revolve around sex, we can also make space to address the other hundreds of topics that we face as women. The market is currently too fixated on one area over another. And it continually takes away many opportunities from radical artists and leaves women questioning their integrity regarding showing more skin than they're comfortable with to be competitive in this market.
Some of the things women mainstream rappers can do to help shed light on rappers opposite of them is to seek them out and propose a collaboration. Whether it be a single, being an opener at their show, or just promoting their work to change the narrative of there being only one main type of women rapper in today's hip-hop.
The world may have found ways to commodify the sound, but there is power in unity and sculpting a new art form of hip-hop music.
Featured Image via Giphy
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Ajeé Buggam is a content writer and fashion designer from New York City and an alumna from the Fashion Institute of Technology. She specializes in writing about race, social injustice, relationships, feminism, entrepreneurship, and mental wellness. Check out her recent work at Notes To Self
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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Feature image by fizkes/ Getty Images