Being Unapologetically Black Can't Be Defined By Cardi B. Here's Why
I ran across a BET headline that read: "Why is Cardi B. the Only Girl Who Gets to Be Unapologetically Black?"
This question left me with a furrowed brow that any mother would be proud of. While the article itself had several valid points, the headline was problematic for me.
Though it may seem innocent enough, in reality, it's troubling because it presents the idea that all black women are, or only desire to be, what Cardi B is.
It implies that being unapologetically black is highlighted by loudness, twerking, and ratchetry.
It also implies that one mainstream pop icon is the spokesperson for all people of color. Allowing either of these implications to go unchecked is especially harmful when considering how black culture is constantly under the world's microscope and often stereotyped based on the media's misrepresentation. Despite the sensationalism of our culture through the use of monolithic labels, Cardi B is not a full depiction of all black women.
We unapologetic black women are defined by much more than any one representation could ever portray or bare to the world. We are soft, we are hard, we are love, we are success, we are innovation.
We are magically multifaceted creatures.
We are defined by so much more and it sells us short to ask the world to see us all as one woman. And ladies, we are selling ourselves short by continuously perpetuating this ideal that we are all one dimensional and thus subject to being stereotyped and preserving existing stereotypes. When in reality, we are far too complex and layered, as both individuals and a culture to be boxed into one public perception of what it means to be a woman of color.
For clarity, I'm not mad or embarrassed by Cardi B. In fact, she's to blame for the overly-confident thought that my Target boots turn into "bloody shoes" whenever "Bodak Yellow" comes on. However, by labeling Cardi B "the only girl who gets to be unapologetically black," we give way to the idea that black women are monolithic.
In the same way that we know how to turn on our "white voice" and embody the Karens of the world when speaking to our bosses, bill collectors, and anyone in the majority, we are able to switch on the many different facets of our personality. Furthermore, we have the autonomy to do so, and should frankly begin to exercise said autonomy and stop asking for permission to only have ourselves reflected through one identity as if being wholly us takes up too much space in the world.
Otherwise, we risk existing in a world that only knows a fraction or none of what and who we are.
But this rigid ideology that blackness has an archetype is dangerous in that it depletes others of their own experiences as black women and sometimes perpetuates stereotypes. In fact, I'm pretty sure this way of thinking is exactly why I was incessantly teased growing up for not knowing how to dance because allegedly all black women must know how to twerk in order to be down with the culture. But, that wasn't me and probably never will be.
Cardi B can never be the archetype because there never was and never will be one.
Amongst the Cardi Bs of the world, who are unapologetically black in their own right, are also women such as: Michelle Obama, Debbie Allen and Phylicia Rashad, Gabby Douglas, Beyonce, and an infinite list of others. There is diversity in our blackness and it's time that we acknowledge this while strongly encouraging the rest of the world to do the same.
I say all of this to say, you don't need permission to be unapologetically black because truly being so is a subjective art form. It's imperative that you know that unapologetic blackness cannot be defined by what any one woman is, and it's offensive to imply otherwise. Just like other cultures around the world, we are made up of an assortment of women. You know? Like a box chocolates?
For me, being unapologetically black does not look like Cardi, Tiffany Haddish, Issa Rae or any of the names floating around guised as epitomized blackness. God bless them, but, they are their own people … And not at all me.
I exist in a space where I can be shy, quiet, and unsuspectingly witty, while saving my innermost Cardi B moments for friends. And it's not because I care what the world will or won't allow. It's because that's my black experience defined on my own terms.
No permission necessary.
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Featured image by lev radin / Shutterstock.com
Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How To Tell If You're Disciplining Your Child Or Seeking Revenge
When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images