Getting in my own pants is a guaranteed good time. I give myself what I want, when I want it. Quickies when necessary. Foreplay when desired. And, ultimately the variety that is sometimes lacking with partners for many different reasons.
As with anything, including sexing ourselves, there's always a way to shake things up. For some, it may be higher vibrations. But, a simple way to create a heightened sensation while pleasuring yourself is adding a lubricant into the mix.
Forget all that you may have learned about using lube, and get you some.
It does not mean you don't have the wet-wet, but that a little wetter is always better.
Still, it's critical to your experience that you know what you're looking for.
As someone who only recently began dabbling in the mythical world of lube, it can feel slightly overwhelming when you realize it's a little more than picking a rando lube off the shelf and simply throwing it in the bag.
With the help of International Pleasure Coach Tyomi Morgan-Najieb, we created a comprehensive guide to selecting top-notch lube -- safe for your body, as well as your toys.
Material Girl
First things first, you've got to know what you're working with! Tyomi tells us that this means knowing the material of your toys, as well as that of the lube itself.
Aside from generally knowing what you're putting in your body, this is important because lubes made from certain ingredients can damage your toys. Rest assured that coming out of pocket to pay for another toy would be far from the pleasure you were hoping for, when you set out to explore.
She reminds us of the range of materials that our toys can be made from, listing metal, glass, silicon, gemstones, wood, and rubber, while also providing the various "Over the Counter lubricants" including water-based, silicone-based, oil-based, or a hybrid (water/silicon).
Additionally, we're cautioned against lubricants that include petrochemicals, paraben, and synthetic glycerin.
Unfortunately, Tyomi says, "Many over the counter (OTC) lubricants on the market contain these chemicals, and they can be harmful to a woman's reproductive system," giving us all the more a reason to investigate and ask questions before just buying any old lube.
To further emphasize the importance in doing so, sexpert Tyomi also shares that "women who have experienced adverse reactions to lubricants have had reactions to these aforementioned chemicals because of their toxicity… [Therefore], when shopping for lubricants for toys, all of these things should be taken into account."
Now that you know what you're looking for, here's the breakdown of each type of lubricant.
Water
Consider water-based lubricants to be the universally accepted form of moisture. As Tyomi says, "In general, water-based lube can be used with all of these materials because its base is H2O and won't harm the toys."
Furthermore, "water-based lube can also bring hydration to the vulva and vagina. [Also, it] can be revitalized by adding water when it begins to dry up."
One major exception to water-based lube is using it in your bath or shower, as in don't do it. Unlike other types of lubricants, water-based lubes will wash off quickly when saturated in more water. Should you want to take your play time to the shower, the lube you're looking for is silicone.
Silicone
According to popular lubricant brand Astroglide, they're prime for water-play because "silicone lubes (especially when in gel form) stay put and keep friction at bay while you enjoy some slippery, wet fun."
Overall, Tyomi explains, "Silicone-based lubes are great for those who want to have a longer-lasting lube with a silky feeling." As wonderful as they are texturally, the caveat is that they cannot be used with silicone toys, as they "will damage the toy and render it unusable" and should be used on rubber toys with an err of caution.
When pairing a silicone lube with rubber toys, Tyomi recommends doing a patch test before use. She walks us through the simple test, adding that you can do so by simply "placing a small amount of lube on a part of the toy that won't be inserted into the vagina is the way to test if the lubricant is she to use with the toy. If the toy melts or begins gooey or sticky when rubbing the lube in, that's a sign that the lube isn't the right one for the toy."
Oil
Tyomi emphasizes that oil-based lubricants cover a different range of sex toys and how well they pair with toys that "are going to be inserted into the anus, like butt plugs and finger rimmers."
These lubricants are best for materials such as glass, metal, wood, or gemstone according to our sexpert but are a hard "no" when it comes to silicone and rubber.
"Oil-based lubes should never be used with silicone or rubber toys. Oil-based lubes are heavier in consistency because they have an oil base."
Like, silicone, oil-based lubricants will damage your toys made of silicone and rubber. Tyomi's blog, Glam Erotica 101, elaborates stating that the oil breaks down the composition of the toys' material. But, also refreshingly adds that you can dig in your pantry to grab the coconut or grapeseed oil for your oil lubes as well.
Beware, oil is oil, so be sure to that your throw away sheets are on your bed to avoid staining your good ones.
Hybrid
Last and seemingly least (unheard of, I know) are hybrid lubes. Hybrid lubes are a combination of both water and silicone. Because of this, Tyomi recommends that these types of lubricants be spot tested before using your silicone and rubber toys, as you would with silicone or oil-based lubricants. If your toys doesn't start to self-destruct, then you're good to go.
If you still feel some overwhelm when considering which lube is right for you, here are some Tyomi approved lubes you can start with: Astroglide, which is available in all formulas, Good Clean Love an organic water-based lube, and the silicone-based, Uberlube.
Get comfortable with some of those first and then venture out based on what you enjoy. Whatever you do, it's time to stop sleeping on the power of lube.
Oh and don't forget to thank me later.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
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Unmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
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Okay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
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If off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
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A friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
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It’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
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I once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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