All right ladies, let's make a pact right now that before we go any further into this new year, we're going to be explicitly honest with ourselves in every area of our lives.
That means, physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. While we're being honest, let's get super intentional about pinpointing, accepting, and actively dealing with the root of our own issues. Not just the symptoms. One of the areas where we could all probably afford to take another look at is our relationships. In the modern age of hookups and situationships, I'll be the first to admit that I've been somewhat unlucky in love. It seems as if I'm always running into men who either: Say they see me as their girlfriend but then don't put forth any action behind it or approach me only wanting one thing (and you can take a guess at what that is).
The latter of which I'm not necessarily mad at because I'd rather know upfront what they're after and reject their advances than to be emotionally manipulated only to be hoodwinked down the line.
What this has taught me is that sometimes the light we innately carry attracts drainers as well as sustainers.
But whether or not we entertain them, meaning enter into a relationship, is totally up to us. To put it plainly, it's one thing to ATTRACT wrong whether knowingly or unknowingly, but it's another to actually CHOOSE IT. It's one thing to respond back to that DM from the guy you know is no good. But it's another to know he's no good, dive headfirst into a relationship, and act surprised when he does you like the last girl.
It's time out for finding out that your man is your man and hers too. It's time out for consistently being with someone who always withdraws but never deposits. And it's more than time out for unrequited effort, love, and consistency in 2019 as a result of picking the wrong partner. So, to help you break the cycle, check out these underlying sources that may be at the root of your problems.
You Choose the Wrong Partner Because You Have Fixer/Savior Syndrome
One reason why you may find yourself consistently meeting a less than stellar match, is because you lowkey thrive on having a partner you can either save from themselves or one that you view as a project. Being the person that your partner "changed for" speaks to the unspoken longing to feel needed and validated in love. When this particular partner exhibits unsavory behaviors, all of sudden you either take up your cross or become Iyanla 2.0. But what happens when and if your partner doesn't feel the need to change or just downright refuses?
The long-term complications can result in low self-esteem and resentment because you ascribed your value to who you could fix. I'm not saying that you shouldn't ever improve on yourself for the benefit of the relationship, but what I am saying is that you can't change someone who doesn't see a problem in what they're doing. Save yourself the time and energy, sis. It's not your job to "fix" a man, that's what therapy, prayer, and alkaline water is for. It's also not your job to save him from his own worst behaviors. Jesus did that over 2,000 years ago and for you non-religious folks, heed the warning of J. Cole: Don't save him. He don't want to be saved, love.
You Choose the Wrong Partner Because You Take Potential at Face Value
Another reason that may stand in the way of finding your forever partner is the fact that you're constantly persuaded by potential. I feel like I could write a whole book on this alone. The fact of the matter is, we ALL were born with potential. Like seriously. No man (or woman, for that matter) should get props or special access to you just because they have the potential to be somebody or do something great. That ability is built in us all and has been since the day we took our first breath.
The thing that matters most though, is what we do with it. And the same goes for your significant other. Are they harnessing that potential into something tangible or is every big idea just an idea with no follow-through? Don't excuse his behavior or lack thereof because of who he might be. We all have potential, you ain't special, boo.
You Choose the Wrong Partner Because You’re Lonely
Hey, I get it. Cuffing season is a big deal for many of us and there's nothing like being cozied up with that special someone. The feeling of knowing you have somebody who makes your hotline bling can be very addicting. And if you've been experiencing a drought in your dating life, loneliness can drive you to choosing and getting with someone you otherwise would not.
Never forget that while you may be alone, you have a choice on whether or not to feel lonely. Call up your friends to see if you can hang out or go out for and if they're boo'd up, get out that planner and vision board. Start manifesting some stuff. Your life and love life can change in an instant, but you can't attract #BetterBae if you're caught up being #LonelyBae. I know it might be tough right now, but remember seasons always change.
You Choose the Wrong Partner Because You’re a People-Pleaser
Let's do a quick poll: If you've ever gotten with somebody based off the suggestion of your friends, put one finger in the air. If that endeavor turned out badly yet they insisted you give it another shot and you did, add another finger. If you've dated someone just because they looked good on paper, add one more. If you've ever gotten with someone based off the suggestion of your parents, let another finger rise. If you've ever gotten with someone for the sake of looking good on the 'Gram, raise yet another. Now if you're holding a high-five, I have five words for you: DON'T. EVER. DO. THAT. AGAIN.
It's time to dead the practice of getting with somebody in order to appease other people's thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. People are going to talk, whether you're doing good or bad. Whether you're in a happy relationship or not. Whether you're dating someone who actually complements you or not. People are fickle, that's just how we're made. In 2019, we've got to stop living for people who aren't even checking for us. And that's that on that.
You Choose the Wrong Partner Because You Don’t Trust Your Intuition
The older I get, the more I realize the importance of listening to that small voice on the inside. You know, the voice that's often the voice of reason and sometimes reckoning. When it comes to figuring out why you keep choosing lousy lovers, it may be as simple as ignorance of your intuition. Defined by Webster as an "immediate apprehension or cognition without reasoning or inferring," doubting this sense can lead to detrimental effects.
You know when you should take a step back to look at things for what they really are. You know that if your partner's words and actions don't line up, something in the milk isn't clean. You know when something feels a lot more like hurt and less like love. But you should also know that when you've been doing the inner work towards leveling up, your spirit will never steer you wrong. You've just gotta have the faith, confidence, and the audacity to fully walk in it. Trust yo' self, sis.
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Kayla Nicole says she wore a dress that was once worn by Braxton herself for the Halloween costume. “It’s not a secret Toni is more on the petite side. I’m obsessed with all 5’2” of her,” she tells xoNecole via email. “But I’m 5’10'' and not missing any meals, honey, so to my surprise, when I got the dress and it actually fit, I knew it was destiny.”
The episode was the perfect way for the multihyphenate to take control of her own narrative. By addressing the viral moment on her own platform, she was able to stir the conversation and keep the focus on her adoration for Braxton, an artist she says she grew up listening to and who still makes her most-played playlist every year. Elsewhere, she likely would’ve received questions about whether or not the costume was a subliminal aimed at her ex-boyfriend and his pop star fiancée. “I think that people will try to project their own narratives, right?” she said, hinting at this in the episode. “But, for me personally – I think it’s very important to say this in this moment – I’m not in the business of tearing other women down. I’m in the business of celebrating them.”
Kayla Nicole is among xoNecole’s It Girl 100 Class of 2025, powered by SheaMoisture, recognized in the Viral Voices category for her work in media and the trends she sets on our timelines, all while prioritizing her own mental and physical health. As she puts it: “Yes, I’m curating conversations on my podcast The Pre-Game, and cultivating community with my wellness brand Tribe Therepē.”
Despite being the frequent topic of conversation online, Kayla Nicole says she’s learning to take advantage of her growing social media platform without becoming consumed by it. “I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out,” she says.
On The Pre-Game, which launched earlier this year, she has positioned herself as listeners “homegirl.” “There’s definitely a delicate dance between being genuine and oversharing, and I’ve had to learn that the hard way. Now I share from a place of reflection, not reaction,” she says. “If it can help someone feel seen or less alone, I’ll talk about it within reason. But I’ve certainly learned to protect parts of my life that I cherish most. I share what serves connection but doesn’t cost me peace.
"I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out."
Credit: Malcolm Roberson
Throughout each episode, she sips a cocktail and addresses trending topics (even when they involve herself). It’s a platform the Pepperdine University alumnus has been preparing to have since she graduated with a degree in broadcast journalism, with a concentration in political science.
“I just knew I was going to end up on a local news network at the head anchor table, breaking high speed chases, and tossing it to the weather girl,” she says. Instead, she ended up working as an assistant at TMZ before covering sports as a freelance reporter. (She’s said she didn’t work for ESPN, despite previous reports saying otherwise.) The Pre-Game combines her love for pop culture and sports in a way that once felt inaccessible to her in traditional media.
She’s not just a podcaster, though. When she’s not behind the mic, taking acting classes or making her New York Fashion Week debut, Kayla Nicole is also busy elevating her wellness brand Tribe Therepē, where she shares her workouts and the workout equipment that helps her look chic while staying fit. She says the brand will add apparel to its line up in early 2026.
“Tribe Therepē has evolved into exactly what I have always envisioned. A community of women who care about being fit not just for the aesthetic, but for their mental and emotional well-being too. It’s grounded. It’s feminine. It’s strong,” she says. “And honestly, it's a reflection of where I am in my life right now. I feel so damn good - mentally, emotionally, and physically. And I am grateful to be in a space where I can pour that love and light back into the community that continues to pour into me.”
Tap into the full It Girl 100 Class of 2025 and meet all the women changing game this year and beyond. See the full list here.
Featured image by Malcolm Roberson
Meanwhile, frankincense and myrrh originate from the Middle East and Africa (you know, like the Bible does — some folks need to be reminded of that—eh hem — Trumpers) and ginger? It too helps with indigestion (which can definitely creep up at Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner tables); plus, it’s a key ingredient for ginger snaps and gingerbread houses. So, as you can see, holiday-themed scents have a rhyme and reason to them.
Tying this all in together — several years ago, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry ‘Christmas Sex’?” Well, in the spirit of revisiting some of that content, with a bit of a twist, I decided to broach some traditional holiday scents from the perspective of which ones will do your libido a ton of good from now through New Year’s Eve (check out “Make This Your Best NYE. For Sex. EVER.”).
Are you ready to check some of them out, so that, whether it’s via a candle, a diffuser, some essential oil, or some DIY body cream (check out “How To Incorporate All Five Senses To Have The Best Sex Ever”), you can bring some extra festive ambiance into your own boudoir? Excellent.
1. Vanilla
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When it comes to holiday desserts, you’re going to be hard-pressed to find recipes that don’t include vanilla — and that alone explains why it is considered to be a traditional holiday scent. As far as your libido goes, vanilla is absolutely considered to be an aphrodisiac — partly because its sweet scent is considered to be very sensual. Some studies even reveal that vanillin (the active ingredient in vanilla) is able to increase sexual arousal and improve erectile dysfunction in men. So, if you adore the smell, here is more incentive to use it.
2. Frankincense
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Although, typically, when people think about frankincense (and myrrh), it’s in the context of the gifts that the wise men brought Christ after he was born; it’s a part of the biblical Christmas story. However, frankincense goes much deeper than that. Sexually, since it has an earthy and spicy scent, some people like to use it to meditate (check out “What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?”). Also, since it has the ability to put you in a better mood, soothe and soften your skin and maintain your oral health — with the help of frankincense, every touch and kiss can be that much…sexier.
3. Cinnamon
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I already gave cinnamon a shout-out in the intro. Personally, I’ve been a fan of it, in the sex department, for a long time now (check out “12 ‘Sex Condiments’ That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious”). When it’s in oil form, it can be very sweet to the taste while sending a warm sensation throughout the body — which is why the giver and receiver of oral sex can benefit from its usage. Beyond that, cinnamon helps to increase blood flow to your genital region, elevate sexual desire and, some studies say that it can even help improve fertility. Beautiful.
4. Peppermint
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If there’s a signature candy for the holiday season, it’s probably a candy cane — which automatically puts peppermint in the running for being an official holiday scent. Pretty much, in any form, it’s got your sex life’s back because it’s hailed as being a sexual stimulant; in part, because its smell is so invigorating. Plus, it helps to (eh hem) ease headaches, it gives you more energy and it can definitely help to freshen your breath. Also, that minty sensation? The same thing that I said about cinnamon can apply to peppermint too (if you catch my drift).
5. Ginger
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Whether it’s in a meal or in your bedroom, ginger is going to produce results that are hella spicy. On the sex tip, science has praised ginger for being able to increase sexual arousal, improve blood circulation (which intensifies orgasms) and strengthen fertility for many years. Scent-wise, I find it to be one that both men and women enjoy because it is both woodsy and sweet. So, if you’ve got some massage oil in mind, adding some ginger is a way to please you both.
6. Pomegranate
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September through December is the time of year when pomegranates are considered to be in season. And, as someone who is a Rosh Hashanah observer, I have a personal adoration for them because I am aware of the various things that they symbolize in Hebrew culture including the fact that they are a fruit that represents love and fertility. So yeah, they would absolutely be an aphrodisiac — one that is perfect for this time of the year. While consuming it helps to boost testosterone levels in both men and women, the floral bittersweet smell that it produces can help to reduce stress while promoting relaxation (like most floral scents do) — and the more relaxed you are, the easier it is to climax.
7. Nutmeg
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Another signature seasoning during the holiday season is nutmeg. It’s perfect in Thanksgiving sweet potato (or pumpkin) pie and Christmas morning French toast. And yes, it can also make your sex life better. If you consume it, it can intensify your libido and, overall, its warm-meets-spicy-meets-sweet smell is so inviting that it is considered to be a pretty seductive scent.
8. Cloves
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I ain’t got not one lie to tell you — if you’ve got a toothache, put some clove oil on that bad boy and send me a Christmas present for putting you on game. Aside from that, as I round all of this out, cloves are another holiday scent that can do wonders for your sex life. For men, it has the ability to significantly increase sexual arousal and improve stamina and endurance. For men and women alike, it also has a reputation for strengthening sexual desire. And for women solely? Well, if you want an all-natural way to increase natural lubrication down below — the scent and and feel (in DILUTED oil form) can make that happen. It can make the holidays especially special…if you know what I mean.
Ah yes — the atmosphere of the holidays and what it can do.
Take it all in! Scent ‘n whatever stimulating that comes with it! #wink
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