This Is How Emotionally Abusive Friends Act
I only have a brother and he doesn't have any children (yet). So, although I don't have any blood nieces or nephews, I do have what I call "love nieces and nephews". Whenever we have Auntie-Shellie-n-them time, something I mention (at least every third conversation) is "A bad platonic friend can do far worse damage than a bad girlfriend or boyfriend can ever do." I know from which I speak because, while growing up, I had a female friend who was one of the worst things to happen to me, to date. It took years for me to break free from her toxicity, but if I were to summarize what she was in one sentence, it's this—she was an extremely emotionally abusive individual.
There are a dozen times a dozen reasons why being in an emotionally abusive friendship is so problematic. But one of the main problems is it can put cracks (if not straight-up potholes) into the foundation of how you think all relationships should be. I say this because, if you want your relationships to be healthy, they all should be rooted in friendship.
Unfortunately, because this is the kind of topic that is not addressed as much as it should be, a lot of us don't realize the deep wounds we have due to some of the current emotional abuse that certain "friends" inflict upon us or the scars (which result in our hardheartedness) that remain because of past emotional abuse.
If you're wondering if some of the discomfort you're currently experiencing with a few of your friends might have to do with the emotional abuse they're dishing out that you haven't be fully aware of, here are some clear signs that that's exactly what's going on.
Signs You're In An Emotionally Abusive Friendship
1.You’re Constantly Walking on Eggshells in Their Presence
A couple of days ago, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine about how one of their friends can never receive criticism. While they are able to easily dish out boatloads of it, when someone calls them out on their stuff, they either go on the attack or they think their friend isn't being very supportive.
The immediate thought that comes to mind when I think about these kinds of individuals is they probably have some deep-rooted childhood or adolescent issues that need to be addressed. Chances are, their parents were verbally, mentally or emotionally abusive in their delivery, which has caused them to become hyper-sensitive. Or, they are narcissistic, perhaps, without really realizing it (some signs of narcissism including being arrogant, extremely prideful, having a sense of entitlement, being selfish and they aren't very empathetic).
People who are like this aren't looking for the kind of friendships that will help them to grow into better people. They merely want folks around them who will make them feel like they are awesome, flawless even, all of the time. Oh, and they also like individuals who act like they can't survive without their insight and guidance. This combination typically results in you having to walk on eggshells in their presence.
Friendships should be a place where you can fully express yourself. If this sounds foreign to you or you've got a friend who penalizes you for being real—or being real with them—this is another indication that you probably have an emotionally abusive situation on your hands.
2.Their Needs Are the Only Ones That Really Matter
Last year sometime, I penned a piece about a best friend who ghosted me. What really tripped me out about it is she had the balls to do it after a few years of holding her hand through an affair (an affair she was having). When I confronted her about how toxic the situation was and how poorly she had been treating me throughout it, that's when she got ghost. Wow. Just wow.
Now that I've had some (more) time to heal and process, something that I realize is, during the last five or so years of our friendship, everything was about her and her needs. The moment I expressed that I actually had some of my own, all of a sudden, we had problems.
No friendship is healthy when it's not rooted in mutual respect and constant reciprocity. If you've got a friendship that only works because you're the one working it, to a certain degree, yes…you are in an emotionally abusive situation.
3.They’re Controlling and/or Manipulative
Some of us have been controlled and manipulated for so long, we don't even know what signs to look for. I'll give you some. Signs of being controlled by a friend include them—making you feel bad for not thinking or acting like they do; constantly making plans in the friendship without taking your own wants or feelings into consideration; making you feel guilty for not sharing all of your life's details; inserting themselves into areas of your life where you did not invite them and/or them not asking you things but them making demands instead.
Signs of manipulation? Emotional instability. Constantly creating drama. Gaslighting you. Having a lack of respect for your personal, emotional or relational boundaries. Refusing to take personal accountability and responsibility for their offenses and mistakes. Only reaching out when they need something.
Yeah, this emotionally abusive friendship thing is more common than you thought, huh? I feel you.
4.They’re Not Trustworthy
Recently, I was talking to a sistah friend about someone we mutually know. When she asked me why I didn't feel comfortable getting closer to this individual, I told her that she simply didn't seem to be very trustworthy.
While on the surface, a lot of us define trustworthiness as someone who we can trust with our business and secrets, it actually goes deeper than that. A trustworthy person is genuine. A trustworthy person is consistent (including when it comes to their moods). A trustworthy person empathetic, compassionate and they operate from a place of integrity.
When you're in a friendship with someone who is trustworthy, you can be totally confident that they have your back whether they are in or out of your presence. However, when you're in a "friendship" with someone who isn't, you never really feel totally at ease or safe.
5.They Never Make Mistakes but They Think You Make a Ton of ‘Em
That former best friend that I mentioned earlier? Something that was a constant about her is she had a reason, excuse, justification or all three for every poor choice that she made. So much to the point that I don't think she really believed that she did anything wrong. Oh, but when I did something she didn't like, either she would go weeks without speaking (you know, she'd take the passive aggressive route) or berate me about it.
A good friend is gonna call you out and be open to being called out. You both will trust each other enough to allow that to happen. At the same time, they will also support you as you slip up along the way, encourage you as you learn from your mistakes and affirm you so that you will gain even more confidence to pick yourself up and move forward—as you do the same for them.
If this is a foreign concept in one or more of your friendships, well…there's a motto that I think you should immediately start applying to your life—I will bloom whether you water me or not. I saw this on a T-shirt. Cop one so that you can start to gas your own self up to set some much-needed boundaries with your friend because if they are always right and you are always wrong, not only is your friendship unhealthy, you are being emotionally abused as well.
6.You Never Really Know Where You Stand
Hurt people hurt people. We've all heard that before. Personally, I think part of the reason why certain folks are abusive in their friendships is because they are emotionally unstable within. And how can you really feel safe with an emotionally unstable person? They're the ones who are hot (really nice to you) one moment and cold (literally freezing you out) the next. They're also the ones who claim that you're their bestie one day and then (usually due to something you have no clue about) they stop talking to you.
Emotionally unstable people tend to have all kinds of cracks in their foundation, making it hard to build anything real, long or lasting with them. If you just read that sentence and someone's name immediately came to mind, I don't have to say it, do I? Yep. On some level, you're probably involved with an emotionally abusive friend. Bless your heart. Know that you know, it's time to be a friend to yourself and, at the very least, set some new boundaries. And best, get out of it. Stat.
Want more stories like this? Check out these related xoNecole reads:
3 Warning Signs You're In Love With A Narcissist
Being A People-Pleaser Taught Me The Power Of The Word "No"
My Father Taught Me Love Is A Hell Of A Drug
The Empath's Guide To An Emotionally-Balanced Life
Featured image by Getty Images
- Subtle Signs Your Friend Doesn't Like You - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Learn The Signs Of Gaslighting In Friendships - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Know the Signs: Spotlight on Isolation from Friends and Family ... ›
- Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship - The Atlantic ›
- Signs Your Best Friend Is Verbally Abusive | HealthyPlace ›
- Signs your friend is in an emotionally abusive relationship ... ›
- Is Your Friendship Toxic? | Psychology Today ›
- 8 Signs Your Friendship Might Be Abusive - Everyday Feminism ›
- 7 Signs Of Emotional Abuse In A Relationship, Marriage Or Friendship ›
- 17 Signs You're In An Abusive “Friendship” | Thought Catalog ›
- 17 Signs You're In An Abusive “Friendship” | Thought Catalog ›
- 6 Warning Signs That Your Friendship is Abusive ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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