The first time I downloaded a dating app on my phone, my daughter was three months old.
I had been single throughout most of my pregnancy and I thought that it was time to get my feet wet in the dating scene. I quickly realized that whilst I may have been hot and ready for new experiences, I still wasn't quite ready to leave my daughter alone with anyone to do so.
Timothy, who was twenty-eight, five-foot-nine, and thirteen miles away, also helped me come to this realization.
He messaged me religiously and we talked endlessly about nothing, but he often asked to meet up for dinner and drinks. I want to say it was the fifth time that I declined that he proceeded to ask why I was even on Soul Swipe at all. Truth be told, he was right. I didn't have the time to date. Taking that into consideration, I never responded and deleted the application off of my phone.
Fast forward to my sweet girl turning one and spending more time with her father, the app was somehow on my phone again.
This time, I was swiping my heart away.
It had been too long since I had any adult fun and the only thing that turned me off was having to continuously swipe past my daughter's father. The people closest to you in radius pop up first, so I saw plenty of men that I had already had the pleasure of getting rid of as far back as high school.
To make matters worse, I saw an old ex that I had been head over heels in love with at one point, and we even ended up matching. It kicked up a conversation between us, which led to a night of a hanging out and me realizing he was still a complete asshole.
Once more, I found myself feeling disappointed and lacking options to swipe through, so I upped my mile radius. That was when I stumbled across Johnathan who was eighty-one miles away from me.
We video chatted, texted, and spoke on the phone for weeks before we decided to "Netflix and Chill." Now, let me say, for a man who talked constantly about God the entire time we spoke for weeks, he sure was ready to sin as soon as I walked through the door.
To be fair, all the signs of a f*ckboy were definitely there.
He had no car, so all eighty-one miles were driven by yours truly. Upon arrival, I was really confused as to how he was renting a room in a frat house…for a college he was not attending. He also had a child, who coincidentally lived out of state and he didn't speak to often. Oh, but ladies and gentlemen, it gets worse.
When we began to get down to it, I could tell he was enjoying himself. But me? I did not know if he was even inside of me.
He had the smallest penis that I had ever seen in years.
It was awful, but he did not make me suffer for long. It was over quickly, and I even got my back rubbed and scratched as I fell asleep in his twin bed.
In the morning, he ironically had me drop him off at church. We kissed goodbye, and for the next week or so we continued our daily communications. He started to talk as if he wanted to turn this into a more serious situation.
I was slightly hesitant, but also here for the attention if I'm being honest.
Then, on a regular ass Thursday, I'm scrolling through my timeline and he posts his Woman Crush Wednesday. Per the post, this was his bae, his love, his GIRLFRIEND.
You don't get to have a little penis AND play me.
That's not how it works. I posted a petty comment about gas money, blocked everyone involved, and deleted the damn app, again.
Maybe it's not online dating, maybe it really is just me. I believe there is a certain amount of mental and emotional healing that needs to be done on my end before I'm capable of finding a partner. This online swiping left and swiping right though? Isn't it a set-up to do exactly what we are always told not to do, which is "look" for love?
For a busy person on the go, it seems ideal, but the reality is people can be extremely deceiving behind a profile. I mean, there were men that didn't even have their height posted, what kind of a setup is that?
Once again, I'm kidding.
Online dating can be so superficial. You are literally selecting people based off of the way they appear in photographs. How can that not immediately sexualize a relationship between two people?
I personally no longer want anything to do with that.
With that being said, I did recently match with someone and was very honest about what I was looking for. I needed help with putting a dresser together. Nothing more or less.
He came over, did it, and left.
I have never heard from him again, and I'm completely fine with him and that app being gone forever.
As much as a partner would be a nice comfort, I really don't think I'm ready.
Instead of swiping online for love, I am investing in my self-development. I've been seeing a therapist weekly, I'm a full-time student, I have a whole child to raise, and some of the best sex I have is with myself. So, I see no need to force much of anything right now.
I'm focused on taking my life to the next level. If someone is meant to be a part of that they'll walk, not swipe, their way in.
Hopefully, I don't have too many cats by then.