Swipe Right, Swipe Left: Why Online Dating Is A "No" For Me
The first time I downloaded a dating app on my phone, my daughter was three months old.
I had been single throughout most of my pregnancy and I thought that it was time to get my feet wet in the dating scene. I quickly realized that whilst I may have been hot and ready for new experiences, I still wasn't quite ready to leave my daughter alone with anyone to do so.
Timothy, who was twenty-eight, five-foot-nine, and thirteen miles away, also helped me come to this realization.
He messaged me religiously and we talked endlessly about nothing, but he often asked to meet up for dinner and drinks. I want to say it was the fifth time that I declined that he proceeded to ask why I was even on Soul Swipe at all. Truth be told, he was right. I didn't have the time to date. Taking that into consideration, I never responded and deleted the application off of my phone.
Fast forward to my sweet girl turning one and spending more time with her father, the app was somehow on my phone again.
This time, I was swiping my heart away.
It had been too long since I had any adult fun and the only thing that turned me off was having to continuously swipe past my daughter's father. The people closest to you in radius pop up first, so I saw plenty of men that I had already had the pleasure of getting rid of as far back as high school.
To make matters worse, I saw an old ex that I had been head over heels in love with at one point, and we even ended up matching. It kicked up a conversation between us, which led to a night of a hanging out and me realizing he was still a complete asshole.
Once more, I found myself feeling disappointed and lacking options to swipe through, so I upped my mile radius. That was when I stumbled across Johnathan who was eighty-one miles away from me.
We video chatted, texted, and spoke on the phone for weeks before we decided to "Netflix and Chill." Now, let me say, for a man who talked constantly about God the entire time we spoke for weeks, he sure was ready to sin as soon as I walked through the door.
To be fair, all the signs of a f*ckboy were definitely there.
He had no car, so all eighty-one miles were driven by yours truly. Upon arrival, I was really confused as to how he was renting a room in a frat house…for a college he was not attending. He also had a child, who coincidentally lived out of state and he didn't speak to often. Oh, but ladies and gentlemen, it gets worse.
When we began to get down to it, I could tell he was enjoying himself. But me? I did not know if he was even inside of me.
He had the smallest penis that I had ever seen in years.
It was awful, but he did not make me suffer for long. It was over quickly, and I even got my back rubbed and scratched as I fell asleep in his twin bed.
In the morning, he ironically had me drop him off at church. We kissed goodbye, and for the next week or so we continued our daily communications. He started to talk as if he wanted to turn this into a more serious situation.
I was slightly hesitant, but also here for the attention if I'm being honest.
Then, on a regular ass Thursday, I'm scrolling through my timeline and he posts his Woman Crush Wednesday. Per the post, this was his bae, his love, his GIRLFRIEND.
WAYYYYYMENT.
You don't get to have a little penis AND play me.
That's not how it works. I posted a petty comment about gas money, blocked everyone involved, and deleted the damn app, again.
Maybe it's not online dating, maybe it really is just me. I believe there is a certain amount of mental and emotional healing that needs to be done on my end before I'm capable of finding a partner. This online swiping left and swiping right though? Isn't it a set-up to do exactly what we are always told not to do, which is "look" for love?
For a busy person on the go, it seems ideal, but the reality is people can be extremely deceiving behind a profile. I mean, there were men that didn't even have their height posted, what kind of a setup is that?
Once again, I'm kidding.
Online dating can be so superficial. You are literally selecting people based off of the way they appear in photographs. How can that not immediately sexualize a relationship between two people?
I personally no longer want anything to do with that.
With that being said, I did recently match with someone and was very honest about what I was looking for. I needed help with putting a dresser together. Nothing more or less.
He came over, did it, and left.
I have never heard from him again, and I'm completely fine with him and that app being gone forever.
As much as a partner would be a nice comfort, I really don't think I'm ready.
Instead of swiping online for love, I am investing in my self-development. I've been seeing a therapist weekly, I'm a full-time student, I have a whole child to raise, and some of the best sex I have is with myself. So, I see no need to force much of anything right now.
I'm focused on taking my life to the next level. If someone is meant to be a part of that they'll walk, not swipe, their way in.
Hopefully, I don't have too many cats by then.
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Jessica Rose Schrody is a writer and copywriter based in Los Angeles. As a single mother, Jessica has a lot of experience concerning the ups and downs of parenting, with all the challenges it brings, but also all the joys and satisfaction! She set out to create a blog, where she connects with a like-minded audience, sharing her own stories, experiences, tips, insights, and more. You can also find her on IG @thisisjessicarose and Twitter @thisisjessrose.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
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Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
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Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
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Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
Featured image Courtesy