When I was introduced to shadow work outside of my work as an editor or social media introspections, it was during a conversation with a woman I met through Instagram. Over drinks during our first in-person meeting, she told me about the personal transformation she underwent as a result of enrolling in a shadow work course and said that the woman I encountered that evening would have been so different had she not done such deep inner work.
I saw it as a sign to invest in myself. 2023 for me, has been about being intentional with feeling more grounded in my sense of self. This looked like being consistent about my fitness journey for the physical and mental benefits, saying “yes” to cultivating new connections and friendships, establishing routines, and spending more quality time with myself. I didn’t realize it then, but I was experiencing a major life shift. Shadow work making its way to my path felt like a push in the right direction.
It would end up being exactly what I needed because days after my discovery call with my shadow work guide Jordan Jeppe, my relationship ended. All of this growth I’ve been ushering into this new season of life, and I didn’t think about the loss that could come with it. I was sad, but I reached a point of acceptance at the end of my relationship. I was grateful for who he was and who we were together, but I realized how complacent I had become and how tired I was of the emotional labor I carried and the over-giving I had been doing.
I took it as a sign to switch my Mariposa course with Jordan from Intro to Shadow Work: Discover Your Shadow to Celibacy: A Journey to Deeper Self-Love. Although I love myself and can say that with so much conviction and confidence, there were patterns of behaviors that, even in healthier situations, seemed to pre-determine the relationships I attracted in my life, the role I played in them, and the length of time I’d decide to stay there without much thought or consideration of how I feel and what I need.
Despite being a grown woman in her early 30s, my inner child was subconsciously controlling my narrative. To break the cycle of certain patterns that presented themselves in my work, my relationships, and with myself, my internal world needed to change if I wanted to see a change in my external world.
Little did I know that investing in Jordan’s shadow work course was one of the best gifts I could ever give myself. Amid the work of old wounds, I am finally beginning to heal, here are some of the biggest lessons I have learned so far.
There are levels to boundaries.
grace helbig beauty GIF by This Might GetGiphySocial media will have you thinking boundaries is the default card you pull when you’re faced with something, someone, a circumstance, or a request where the answer is, “Naw, I’m good.” While I’ve loved the way people have been empowered to say no whenever something is not a resounding hell yes or been able to aptly cut off and readily block people who cross a boundary, I have been relieved to learn that boundaries have levels.
Since I am aware that the way I communicate isn’t as “direct” as I sometimes like to think, I loved the idea of boundaries being a three-step process versus a “one-strike, you’re out” sort of concept it has long since been associated with in my mind.
In one of our early one-on-one coaching sessions, Jordan put me on to a color-coded system for setting boundaries, as specified in Melissa Urban’s The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free:
Green Boundary: low risk, and the gentlest language. Assumes the other person wasn’t aware they were overstepping and wants to respect your limits. Your boundary language is clear, generous, and very kind. Leaves any potential consequences unsaid in the spirit of good faith. Example: "For the health of our friendship, I'd like to ask that we take a week to be no-contact. I need time to process and ask that you respect my request."
Yellow Boundary: elevated risk, and firmer language. Used as a follow-up if your green boundary isn’t respected, or if historical interactions with this person indicate the threat is higher. Yellow may also include an intended consequence, if appropriate.
Red Boundary: severe risk, and your most direct language. At this point, your health, safety, and/or relationship are in jeopardy, and your language must reflect the severity of the situation. It’s still kind, but this is their last reminder and makes it clear that you are prepared to hold your limits. State the consequence plainly here and be ready to enforce it.
Game. Changer.
There is a thin line between being emotionally available and emotionally unavailable.
Pop Tv Bb21 GIF by Big Brother After DarkGiphyFor a long time, I thought just because I was a person who was open meant that I was someone who was vulnerable, and therefore since 2 plus 2 equals 4, I was also emotionally available. The answer is not quite. If you identify as a people pleaser, chances are, you are not as emotionally available as you think.
I was rudely awakened to this fact during my course that I am, in fact, emotionally unavailable. My people-pleasing shadow and my codependency shadow tell me so. But also, insecure attachment style types like fearful-avoidant (disorganized), dismissive-avoidant, and anxious tend to be emotionally unavailable to an extent as well. Where I naively believed I couldn’t possibly be codependent because I loved my alone time and independence, I realized after taking stock of what codependency can manifest as in a partnership that, it's me, I’m the problem, it’s me.
Some signs of codependency in a relationship include:
- Taking things personally
- Doing most of the emotional work in the relationship and feeling overly responsible for it
- Trying to “save” or “fix” the person you’re with
- Having a fear of or issues with abandonment
- Not being able to identify your wants or needs in the relationship
- Worrying excessively, especially about how the other person feels
- Obtaining your self-worth or self-esteem by being of service to others
- Having difficulties with setting healthy boundaries
- Internalizing someone’s upsetness or “negative” emotions as something you’ve done
- Focusing on others more than you focus on yourself
- Feeling guilty about saying “no” to others or shame about making mistakes
- Having trouble communicating your true feelings to others
- Putting yourself and your needs last
- Losing yourself
Simply put, if you’re deflecting your feelings, holding yourself back from expressing vulnerability or love, monitoring and managing the emotions and responses of your partner as a means to keep others happy over yourself, you might be emotionally unavailable. It’s impossible to be emotionally available if you are not allowing yourself to be emotionally seen and cared for in the equation of your dynamic with another person because they take up all the emotional space in your world.
Allowing my feelings to be seen has been an internal process as much as it’s been an external one, as I’ve learned to label the feelings I have, sit with them, and even acknowledge myself verbally with the statement, “I see you. I'm acknowledging you. I'm here for you.” Validating my feelings within myself has helped me in communicating them to others as well, especially when it comes to my needs getting met.
As a result of becoming more emotionally available, I have felt myself become more vulnerable. It can be a scary thing, but I now understand that I can’t have the connections in my life that I seek if I am unable to meet them as a result of not meeting myself deeply enough yet.
There is a need to affirm “This is not mine to take on” as a continued practice.
season 1 friends GIFGiphyI shed my first tears pretty early on in my one-on-one sessions with Jordan as I uncovered what it was that first led me to step into the “people pleasing” role I had given myself and had been replaying throughout relational and work dynamics in my life. It was a childhood memory that I shrugged off as it was the way it was, not realizing how much power my unintentional parentification would have on me years later.
Getting to the root of that was the first step of unlearning behaviors I picked up because I subconsciously felt like it was how I received love from other people, and it would lead me to lean on mantras like, “That’s not my job” or “This is not mine to take on” as a tool to help me navigate the discomfort I sometimes felt when detaching from other people’s thinking, their moods, or their feelings. It also showed me the subtle ways I gave my power away in work, friendships, family dynamics, and love by acting instead of being.
I am still learning how to let go of my default of overdoing, overthinking, and overanalyzing – really just absorbing anything that’s not my thoughts or my feelings. I am now practicing what it means to not anticipate responses and over-function as a means to keep myself safe. I am finding safety and security by reminding myself I don’t have to look for my sense of self in how others think and feel. I can’t control others, nor do I want to. My responsibility is me and I am safe with me.
Among the most significant lesson for me so far has been you don’t have to hide from your “shadows.” Shadow work is about understanding that in order to transcend beyond the life, expressions, and beliefs that are subconsciously playing out, you must learn them, name them, and embrace them as a means to usher in self-acceptance and, therefore, your wholeness.
Through the intentional program comprised of the steps of Awareness, Acceptance, Reprogramming, and Embodying, I’m Rihanna right now because “I feel like a brand new person.” I am still healing. And though I know healing and growth will forever be a journey, I feel like a more aware and more realized version of myself.
I feel transformed.
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
It’s not like it has to be a bad thing. In fact, studies say that somewhere around 15 percent of engaged couples actually met through a friend. All I’m saying is, before you entertain someone’s “I’ve got someone I want you to meet” invitation, it would benefit you to interview them first — for the sake of all parties involved.
The questions that I recommend asking? The following six are what I think can get everyone on the same page, so that there is more pleasure than regret from the hook-up attempt.
1. Why Are They So Invested?
GiphyTwo things that I recently watched over again are the series Survivor’s Remorse (the writing is so damn good) and a movie called Trapped in Temptation (both are currently on Tubi). Something that both of them made me think about is the fact that motive reveals a lot when it comes to why people say and do the things that they do.
When it comes to the movie, specifically, without giving the film away — let me just say that, if you are in a relationship, be really careful about listening to individuals who try to talk you out of maintaining it. More times than not, the motive is shady as hell. And honestly, sometimes people who are close to obsessed with you being in one deserve a bit of side-eye too.
Now, if it’s someone who loves all things love, they are in love and they want you to experience something similar — that’s sweet. Just make sure that they are approaching the set up from a healthy space. What I mean by that is they don’t see singleness as some sort of relational handicap or they aren’t trying to override what you want for your life as if they somehow know better (there are so many ways to be a control freak, y’all).
Hmph. Now that I think about it — make sure that the set-up crew isn’t trying to use you to “save” some male friend or relative of theirs. I say that because I once knew a mother whose son had — count ‘em — 10 kids and she was FOREVER trying to get me to date him. Girl, that wasn’t for me. She was looking for a Holy Ghost Jr. for that child of hers. I’ll pass. HARD PASS.
Bottom line with this one — if someone wants to set you up with someone else, the first thing to ask is why? Make sure to really listen to what their answer is. Then pay attention to if your mind, body and spirit are at peace with their answer(s).
2. Do They Know What You Want?
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but the people (and let’s be honest, by far, it’s usually women) who have tried to set me up with someone? They didn’t even know what my preferences or type was. Hell, they didn’t even know my thoughts or timeline as it relates to being in a serious relationship were either. And what that boils down to is they were trying to hook me up based on their agenda, not mine — and that usually meant that the guys who they came up with? Yeah…I was good on them. LOL.
Yeah, if someone wants to hook you up, you definitely should ask them if they know what you are looking for in a guy when it comes to his looks, personality, passions, spirituality, relational desires and goals, location, etc. Because, indeed, what is the point in going out with someone who is fine as hell and yet, you want kids and he doesn’t (or vice versa) or who has a great personality yet he isn’t even in the same ballpark of your spiritual beliefs?
If your friend really wants to help you out, valuing your time should come with that — and that means bringing someone into your life who complements your lifestyle. No wiggle room here.
3. Are They Aware of Your Deal-Breakers?
GiphyLast year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Should Bad Sex Actually Be A Relationship Deal-Breaker?” The thing that I think needs to go on record about deal-breakers is they aren’t exactly standards that you have. No, a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out even after trying to negotiate or compromise. When it comes to relationships, a deal-breaker might be how long two people should date before becoming exclusive or getting engaged. Another deal-breaker might be if being religious is more important than being spiritual and how that manifests itself (church or no church, etc.). And yes, another deal-breaker may be what each other’s sexual needs and expectations are.
When someone is setting you up, it is imperative that they know about your standards. For instance, for me, I am not interested in dating a divorced person, pretty much ever (I Corinthians 7:10-11). I’ve had friends who have tried to hook me up with that demographic before and it has always been a moot effort. The fact that some of them have gotten frustrated with my convictions has absolutely nothing to do with me. Some have tried to get me to compromise my deal-breakers too — like a long-distance relationship. Is it a firm “naw”? No. However, it’s not really something that I am interested in, so why not just…recommend someone local?
Yeah, if someone thinks that they know you well enough to hook you up, they absolutely should be well-versed in what your deal-breakers are before they do. And if they’ve never asked, all they are doing is assuming — and we know what that typically means. LOL.
4. What Is Their Track Record?
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that we now live in a time when more couples meet online than they do through “old-fashioned ways” like via their friends (although some reports say that Gen Z is getting back to that) — and yet, here we are. Still, if you are willing to let someone play pseudo matchmaker in your life, you are well within your rights to inquire about their track record in that department. Have they hooked others up, successfully, before? Has any of their “Cupid work” caused both people to get exactly what they wanted out of the situation? If/when things went awry, why was that?
I know someone who is constantly trying to hook people up. Thing is, maybe 10-15 percent (no joke) of their efforts have proven to be positive and fruitful — and we’re talking about close to close to two decades of them doing it. Listen, time is too precious to be out here doing stuff ONLY to please other people. That said, if someone wants you to devote some time to one of their grand ideas, you are well within your rights to ask about their past and current success score when it comes to it.
5. Can They Keep Their Own Feelings Out of It?
GiphyWanna know if someone who is offering to do something for you is actually doing it more for themselves? If they try to make it be about them when things don’t go the way they would like, that is a dead ringer. An example? They post a message about you on social media and then question you about why you didn’t do the same thing in return. Another example? They do something for you and then throw it in your face during an argument. Still another example? They set you up with someone, it doesn’t work out, and suddenly you’ve put them in a weird spot. No dear — you put your own self in that position by trying to hook two people up in the first place.
I promise you, it will spare everyone unnecessary energy spent (or even drama experienced) if, before you agree to be hooked up, you get the matchmaker on record stating that they will keep their emotions out of it as much as possible. MEANING — they will do the introductions and then let the chips fall where they may. If they can’t do this, my two cents (save it or spend it) would be to decline the offer. Because all you need is someone texting you about why you haven’t called their cousin back or having an attitude with you when you break up with some guy at their church who they thought was the perfect catch (P.S. These aren’t hypothetical examples — LOL).
6. Will They Respect Your Boundaries? Start to Finish?
GiphyYeah, this final one is a biggie. Just because someone sets you up with another person, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that they should have the right to the details of the dynamic. I don’t care if it’s the first date or the 10th date. I don’t care if you decide to just be sex buddies or to have a full-blown relationship. I don’t care if you stay together or break-up — it’s your relationship which makes it your business. Whatever you share is privileged data.
Yeah, I would say that probably the most challenging thing about being hooked up by someone you know is they have a tendency to think that they are a part of the relationship too — and that is a lie. If things go well beyond a couple of dates, you and the guy should discuss what you will both share with the person who introduced you and then agree to stick to that boundary, no matter what. It’s a great way to protect the dynamic, to keep “outside voices” from influencing the growth and to navigate how you want to move, moving forward.
Someone who hooked you up for the right reasons and knows how to honor limits? They will understand. Will they ask questions? Absolutely. Will they pry? Nah.
___
Should you sit and let someone hook you up? I mean, you never know how your blessing will come. Just make sure that they are prepared for you to do some digging into their mindset before they start sweetly meddling into your love life.
It’s only fair. Hell, and right. LOL.
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