Relationship Expert Spicy Mari On How To Spice Up Our Self-Care Game

"It's important to fill up your love cup first, before feeling you have the abundance to pour love into other people."

Finding Balance

In xoNecole's Finding Balance, we profile boss women making boss moves in the world and in their respective industries. We talk to them about their business, and most of all, what they do to find balance in their busy lives.

When growing up, we have so many examples of what a relationship looks like. We see how our parent(s) act when they are in love, we watch TV sitcom couples like Martin and Gina, and we even get front row seats to see our friends go through their romantic relationships. So, when it is our turn to pick our partner, we assume we have everything figured out. But when it comes to love, sometimes we need a bit of help. That is where Magnetic Matchmaker and Relationship Expert, Spicy Mari comes in to help guide you towards your purpose-mate.

Spicy Mari is the CEO and founder of The Spicy Life. The Spicy Life is a relationship consulting firm where she teaches the S.P.I.C.Y. (Self, Passion, Intimacy, Communication and learning to say "Yes,") Fundamentals to her clients in order for them to form and maintain healthy fulfilling relationships. Spicy has mastered the power behind deep connections through a B.A. in Communications from the University of California-Berkeley, an M.A. in Communication from USC, and a dating certification from the International Dating Coach Association. Spicy currently has an upcoming e-course where she is providing a six-week program of her proven S.P.I.C.Y. method.

Courtesy of Spicy Mari

What we all have to remember is that, when you are in a relationship, loving our partners does not mean we should forget about loving ourselves. When we commit to living our lives focused on our dreams and our "why", we attract the right person who will support us along the way. Spicy is a true believer in self-love. She understands how prioritizing self-love within your daily routine is the best way to find that balance.

In this installment of Finding Balance, we talk to Spicy Mari about the power of affirmations, healthy relationships, and the importance of recharging to ultimately find balance.

xoNecole: What is your WHY?

Spicy Mari: My mission in life is to restore the family unit. I believe I was put on this earth to educate and empower women and men in order to have healthy relationships. I want to break generational curses as well. I come from an upbringing where I witnessed my mother being married multiple times. I saw how it affected how she perceived her value. So at an early age, I began to study and research the fundamentals that you need in order to be successful in relationships. Now, I can teach that to the masses. Connecting with your purpose-mate has the ability to help you achieve self-actualization.

At what point in your life did you understand the importance of pressing pause and finding balance in both your personal and professional life?

I learned about pressing pause early on because I saw the ramifications of not filling up my cup. It's important to fill up your love cup first before feeling you have the abundance to pour love into other people. It was during college where I really started to prioritize self-care. If I don't do it for myself, nobody else will. But when I first started my business, I threw myself in there full throttle.

At a moment, I started to notice my hair was breaking off, skin was bad, and I gained extra weight. I couldn't even recognize myself. That was when I realized that I was pouring into others and stopped pouring into myself. So now when things get crazy with work, I have to remind myself to apply those self-care practices that I educate to my clients. Every now and then I say to myself, "Spicy go take a walk (laughs)."

What is a typical day/week in your life?

My weeks are crazy. The one thing I do like about my weeks is that they are consistent… but with craziness (laughs). So I always start my morning working out and saying my affirmations. I set my intentions for the day. After that, I have my client consultations and perform screening processes for potential clients to see if they are ready for the program. Then, I record for my podcast, editing, and a couple more client sessions.

Throughout the day, I am still connecting with my team and answering any emergency calls my current clients may have and need advice from me. I have made my husband and I dinner sometime in there too (laughs). But my day usually doesn't end until midnight.

"I started to notice my hair was breaking off, skin was bad, and I gained extra weight. I couldn't even recognize myself. That was when I realized that I was pouring into others and stopped pouring into myself. So now when things get crazy with work, I have to remind myself to apply those self-care practices that I educate to my clients."

Courtesy of Spicy Mari

Do you practice any types of self-care? What does that look like for you?

My favorite self-care practice is hiking. I LOVE to hike. Whenever I have energy to burn or I am feeling stressed, I am taking myself on a hike. I like to do it myself because that is my time to pray, talk to God, and regroup. After my hikes, I always feel recharged and ready to take on the next thing.

What advice do you have for busy women who feel like they don’t have time for self-care?

I like to affirm myself throughout the day. So in-between clients, I tell myself how amazing I am, how gifted I am, and remind myself that God gave me this task because he knew that I would be able to handle it. So having that conversation with yourself, whether it's an affirmation or an actual dialogue for two minutes, helps you be able to control your thoughts throughout the day. When you are able to control your thoughts, you have a better handle on your emotions. Once you have mastered that, you can show up for others better.

How do you find balance with:


I try to stress the notion with my clients that just because you get into a relationship or start dating, does not mean you leave your friends to the wayside. The same mindset we have for dating our romantic partners, we should still be dating our friends. So for me, with balancing my friendships, I have a shared calendar with my friends.

My friends and I put scheduled events/make reservations to certain restaurants. We also started a book club to hold each other accountable and to check in. My friend group and I make sure that when we are checking in, we are still pouring into each other and sharing any best practices that could help our group in everyday life.


I'm not going to lie, this is actually something that is very challenging for me. I am an alpha woman and we tend to have this strong masculine mindset. Being married to an alpha man, I have had to learn to sit in my feminine. So when my laptop is closed, I have to give my partner that level of attention that makes him feel happy or loved.

I also try to make sure I check in on him daily and I am not talking about the "how was your day" check-in. I am talking about those intimate conversations where we can talk about family, relationship goals, and affirming him on how much he means to me. I like our balance where my husband brings security and I bring the passion/romance.

"I am an alpha woman and we tend to have this strong masculine mindset. Being married to an alpha man, I have had to learn to sit in my feminine. I like our balance where my husband brings security and I bring the passion/romance."

Courtesy of Spicy Mari


Health has always been a top priority for me. I try to work out 4-5 times a week. But now that I am expecting a baby boy, it has been a lot harder to work out, OK? (Laughs) I have been challenging myself to put workout time on my calendar. I also work with my personal trainer and abundance mindset coach to push me and encourage me to keep going, even when I am not feeling my best.

Wow you’re expecting? Congratulations! When it comes to preparing for motherhood, what types of self-care practices have become more important for you than before?

Now this may sound unorthodox, but I believe sex is a part of self-care (laughs). There are so many health benefits to the female orgasm. I don't think us women incorporate that enough into our self-care regimen. I mean sex is how we got pregnant in the first place (laughs). But to continue having sex and keeping that part of my marriage alive during my pregnancy is a must.

I hear that! Now when it comes to self-care for your child, how do you plan on teaching your son the importance of self-care?

One thing that I think is important to know is who we are, what we want, and what we have to offer. Being clear on that will help my son in relationships, career, and friendships. But another thing I am super excited to teach my son is his cultural background. I am Black and Mexican and his father is Jamaican. So with the self-love component, I want my son to be proud of his heritage. That confidence in your culture really helped me growing up, so I know it will help him too.

Honestly, what does success and happiness mean to you?

Happiness for me is a state of peace. Happiness is knowing that I set myself on a path where I have set my intentions and I am still proud of myself, even if I don't hit the mark. Success is hitting the mark (laughs). Success is blowing ish out of the park. When you set goals for yourself and you make that checklist, I find success in being able to check those things off that list. So it is not necessarily those long-term goals. But even those short-term goals that help you see things come into fruition, which guide you towards your long-term goals.

To learn more about Spicy Mari, follow her on instagram @spicymari. You can also listen to The Spicy Life Podcast, here.

Featured image courtesy of Spicy Mari

This article is in partnership with Xfinity.

Those who have experienced an HBCU homecoming understand the assignment. Students, alumni, and family of a Historically Black College and University gather to partake in the excitement of celebrating the heritage and culture of the school. It's a time of joy, honoring traditions, and for some, reflecting on the good ol' days. Homecoming weekends are spent eating well, laughing plenty, and enjoying the sights; and there is plenty to see! (Spoiler alert: Sleep is not on the syllabus.)

Keep reading... Show less
The daily empowerment fix you need.
Make things inbox official.

One of my favorite things about the changing seasons are the new vibes and new energies that change welcomes with it. September represents a transition from the white sand beaches, bottomless brunches, and undeniable romantic vibes long nights, festivals, and impromptu road trips often thought of when we think about the summer. In its place comes romanticism in a different approach. Pumpkin spice anything, the excuse to cuddle up, and the leaves of the trees turning warm shades sparks joy in a different way as fall begins. Perhaps what I am most excited about though are the 2021 wellness trends that come with it.

Keep reading... Show less

A few days ago, I was having a conversation with some folks about songs that should've been official singles yet never were. One of the ones that I shared was Mariah Carey's "All Alone in Love" (a song that she wrote when she was only 15, by the way). To me, it's a perfect way to intro this piece because I have had enough personal experiences and counseled enough people to know that it is very possible to be in a relationship with someone — and still feel quite alone in it. Not because your partner doesn't love you. Not because they're up to some totally f'ed up shenanigans. It's just…even though you signed up for a true and lasting partnership, somehow you now feel some of the very words that define what being alone can feel like: unattended, detached, unassisted, semi-compassionless and perhaps even abandoned on some levels.

Keep reading... Show less

When I think about actresses who have been cultural figures throughout my lifetime, Gabrielle Union-Wade is truly one of the first names that come to mind. I can recall being on the playground in grade school urging my friends to learn the cheer routines from Bring it On just as easily as I can remember a few years ago watching Being Mary Jane, crying from the relatability of Mary Jane's life struggles (a story for another day). It's inspiring to watch a powerful black woman whose art has been a consistent source of entertainment and influence. Although I must say, I think many of us have grown to cherish her personal journey and stories just as much.

Keep reading... Show less

Feed-in braids have become one of the hottest hair trends on the scene. These types of braids are created by "feeding-in" pieces of hair extensions to the main braid so that it gradually grows in size. It gives the illusion that the hair is directly growing from the scalp, which comes in clutch for styles that requires synthetic hair. This type of styling allows for a more natural look at the hairline and it protects your edges and hairline from excessive tension from heavy hair extensions thus, reducing the likelihood of traction alopecia (or loss of hair from the hairline.) And for women of color, tight braids or pulling the hair back too tight is one leading cause of this type of hair loss.

Keep reading... Show less
Exclusive Interviews

Exclusive: Lucky Daye Is Doing It For The Culture, From The Soul

Every so often, an artist comes along who seems to be a physical manifestation of all that we are.

Latest Posts