Make yourself a priority. At the end of the day, you are your longest commitment.—Unknown
The quote you just read? Humor me and focus on the word "commitment" more than "priority" for just a sec, please. So, we all know folks who are scared of commitment, right? The term that is usually used for them is commitment-phobe. Some of the signs that indicate if someone is one include—they don't like to make long-term plans; most of their relationships are casual; they flake on personal commitments; they're attracted to individuals who refuse to fully commit to them; their expectations are unrealistic in both personal as well as professional relationships; and they're pretty poor communicators.
OK, with this list in tow, rather than thinking about all of the other people who may immediately come to mind, point the finger towards yourself. Is this how you are when it comes to your interactions with others? More importantly, is this how you are when it comes to how you interact with yourself?
When's the last time you planned to go on a summer vacation and started saving up for it the previous fall? How many of your relationships consist of people who are as committed to you as you are committed to them? One sign of a poor communicator is someone who doesn't listen well. Are you truly in tune with your ownmind, body, and spirit to the point that when they need you to give them some extra TLC, you stop whatever is going on and do it?
I don't know about you, but I'll definitely raise my hand in this class and confess that, for years, I was so focused on trying to change the ways of the commitment-phobes in my life that I didn't realize I was one myself. How? I didn't access the reality of what that quote said—I didn't see myself as being my longest commitment and therefore, honor myself as such.
Oh, but bay-bay. I have done a complete 180 on that for the past few years now. Here's how I stopped being the greatest self-commitment-phobe I knew and made myself my own top priority. I think if you try some of these tips, you can master doing the same thing for yourself as well.
1.Look at Your Daily To-Do List. Make Sure You Are on It.
There are a billion-and-one reasons why all of us should have some sort of daily to-do list. It creates order in our lives. It holds us accountable for our tasks and how we utilize our time. It keeps us productive. It significantly reduces our stress levels. You know what else it does? It teaches us how to properly prioritize.
If you want your day to be super-productive, it's a good idea to do the hardest things first. That will keep you from procrastinating. It will also boost your level of self-confidence. But as you're in the process of figuring out what goes where on your list, make sure that you are somewhere on it.
Whether it's a mani/pedi appointment, stopping by the store to get your favorite bottle of wine, or simply setting aside an hour to listen to your favorite podcast, it's important that you consistently remind yourself that you are something that should take precedence—each and every day of your life.
2.Double-Check Your Reason(s) for Agreeing to Things
This is something that took me a long time to learn. Sometimes, when someone asks us to do something, we say "OK" or "sure" without really thinking it all the way through. Then, because we want to keep our word, we follow through although we're slick irritated or resentful about it.
You're not really helping anyone out if you're doing something with a bad attitude. You're also not benefitting yourself if your "yes" always comes from a place of fear ("Will they still like me if I say 'no'?") or codependency.
Nothing is good about being a selfish person. But if you want to be a true blessing, give when you know you've got the time, the resources, and the right spirit. You can know whether or not you do by taking a moment to check your own schedule, your own bills, and if you've made sure that you're rested and centered enough to help out.
A healthy person knows that it's always best to give from their surplus; not from their lack.
3.Designate a Day Each Week That Is Yours (ALL YOURS)
Let me clarify what I mean by this. I'm not saying that you need to call in sick once a week. I'm also not saying that you should blow your budget with reckless spending. What I am suggesting is that you set aside a day when you make sure you do exactly what you want to do—no justifications, explanations, or apologies to anyone else given—on a consistent basis.
It could be a weekday to binge-watch a favorite show. It could be a weekend morning to have brunch at one of your favorite spots. Whatever you decide, it needs to be about disconnecting from your regular schedule and focusing on what makes you happy and peaceful (not one or the other—both).
I'm not saying it has to be the same day each week either. Just make sure that you block out a few hours, each week, to cater to you and only you. Doing something as simple as this will get you used to prioritizing life so that you'll be better at doing my next recommendation.
4.Realign Your Other Priorities
It's gotta be one of my favorite quotes on the planet. And it's been my personal experience that the only ones who get offended by it are the very ones who need to hear it more often:
"Poor planning on your part does not automatically constitute an automatic emergency on my part."
I can't tell you how many times someone would be reckless with their own life and then call me to fix it like it was something I had to do. Wanna know why they felt that way? Because I let them. I didn't say "no" enough or I didn't make sure that my needs—the things I am actually responsible for—were taken care of before tending to their stuff.
If you're constantly playing catch-up with your finances because you're always paying someone else's bills or your relationship is suffering because the friend who wants you to shut up while she's in a toxic relationshipalso always wants you on the phone with her for hours on end when it blows up in her face? Listen, I'm not saying to shut down on these types of folks. What I am saying is give $40 rather than loan $100 and meet your friend at a coffee house after you've spent quality time with your own significant other.
Realigning your priorities is simply about making sure that all of your priorities cooperate well with one another; that none of them cause chaos or disarray in your world as you're in the process of addressing them all.
When you make sure that you're good, it helps to keep you centered and focused. By making you your top priority, you can make much wiser decisions about everything (and one) else.
5.Make 6-8 Hours of Sleep Non-Negotiable
Moodiness. Fatigue. A lack of motivation. An increased appetite. A low sex drive. A damaged immune system. Clumsiness and forgetfulness. Guess what all of these things are a direct sign of? Sleep deprivation.
There are some people I know who are super emotionally unstable. They've been like that for so long that they think their mood swings and pop-off nature are normal. Guess what they all have in common? They each get no more than five hours of sleep every night. (Oh trust me, I've asked.)
Me? I'll sacrifice a lot of stuff, but what someone is not gonna get in the way of is my sleep. Personally, I like my bed so much that it's like a taking a trip to Six Flags but that's totally beside the point. For the sake of your health and your sanity, make getting no less than six hours of sleep a top priority. Nothing (or no one) should be more important than your body being on point and you staying in your right mind.
6.Totally Spoil Yourself (at Least) Once a Month
The way I handle everything and everyone in my world has totally changed once I started to spoil myself. Once I made sure that treating me to something that makes me feel sacred and special was on my agenda, it became more and more difficult to let others make me feel less than or challenge my worth and value.
That's why I'm a HUGE FAN of encouraging my sistahs to spoil themselves. Don't let the word "spoil" put you in the mindset of being frivolous or a brat. One of my favorite definitions of the word is "a treasure accumulated by a person". You are a treasure so why not surround yourself with things that remind you of this very fact?
The more you value and prize yourself, the less you'll settle for less from others.
It's the ultimate perk of making the decision to make yourself your own top priority.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
The Final Mercury Retrograde Of 2024 Is Here—How This Bold Energy Will Shift Your Perspective
The final Mercury retrograde of the year arrives this month, and this is an opportunity to close one chapter and prepare for a new one. Mercury retrogrades are the time of the year when you take a step back, assess where your life currently is, and be a little more flexible with how things are playing out for you. When Mercury is in retrograde, miscommunications and misdirections are more likely; however, this isn’t the time to fear where you are headed; it’s more about looking at things from a different perspective right now.
Mercury enters Sagittarius on November 2, will be retrograde from Nov. 25 until Dec. 15, and will be in this sign until Jan. 8, 2025. Mercury in Sagittarius is bold and outspoken but, in retrograde, can come across as impulsive and brash. Thinking before speaking is important right now, and so is considering your values and interests before committing to something new. Since Sagittarius rules long-distance travel, this isn’t the best time to plan a new trip or to rush the ones already in place.
Consider where you want to be, and take your time getting there.
What to Expect from Mercury Retrograde in Sagittarius
A little more than a week after Mercury goes retrograde in Sagittarius, Mars goes retrograde in Leo. With these important transits happening in fire signs, energy can be misdirected right now. It’s about looking at the full picture and not overwhelming yourself with too many options or interests. Take your passions and align them with your heart and willpower, without confusing inspiration with ego. Emotions are running high, yet this activation is creating a breakthrough in personal development before the year ends.
Read below to see how this Mercury retrograde transit will be for you. Read for your sun sign and rising sign.
Your Sun Sign and Rising Sign Horoscopes for Mercury Retrograde in Sagittarius
ARIES
Mercury goes retrograde in Sagittarius, and you are focused on the bigger picture right now, Aries. With Mercury retrograde in your 9th house of adventure over the next few weeks, this is the time to expect the unexpected and to go at your own pace. Don’t rush the clarity that is meant to bloom for you right now, and take things one day at a time.
Even if you don’t have all the answers you need right now, there are still some important truths and insights to gain. You are in the process of reinventing yourself and your life, and the universe is helping you get the space in order to do so. If you are traveling over the next few weeks, remember to be flexible and to go over plans thoroughly.
TAURUS
Mercury goes retrograde, and you enter a time of change and rebirth, Taurus. This transit, for you, is an opportunity to gain balance, perspective, and empowerment. Your commitments and close partnerships are being addressed right now, and you are seeing where your needs are being met and where they aren’t. You are on a journey of letting go and allowing more, and this is the time to focus on being more flexible rather than controlling outcomes.
This retrograde could also be affecting your shared finances and earnings, and this is a good time to take another look at the money coming in and the money going out and make sure things are in order here. Trust your intuition right now, Taurus.
GEMINI
Mercury goes retrograde in your sister sign, Sagittarius, and you are ready for a fresh perspective in love. This retrograde will highlight your 7th house of partnership, connection, romance, and inner harmony, and your heart is figuring things out right now. Confusion or disagreements are more likely within your relationship dynamics, and this is the time to address what your partnerships need.
If you have been feeling out of balance when it comes to love, then this is the time to get things back on track.
This Mercury retrograde is helping you gain a new perspective and reminds you that you deserve the love you are looking for. Use this time to forgive, grow, and use better judgment regarding matters of the heart and the relationships you are building in your life right now.
Coveteur
CANCER
This Mercury retrograde transit for you is a chance to gain some renewed clarity regarding your health, well-being, and work life. You could be feeling more pressure to perform and have it all together on the job, and there is a need to delegate, let go, and take care of your health more right now, Cancer.
This transit will highlight where some cracks are seeping, where you may need to build stronger foundations and healthier daily routines, and also how you can manage a better work/life balance. Your daily lifestyle may feel a little more difficult to find consistency in right now, and this is because new avenues and perspectives are waiting for you to grab ahold of. Overall, use this time to listen to your inner voice and do more of what feels right for you and your body.
LEO
Mercury goes retrograde in Sagittarius, and this transit highlights your 5th house of romance, creativity, passion, and happiness, Leo. This retrograde is an opportunity for you to address what and who makes you happy and how you can show up more for these fortunate experiences in your life. You are looking at if you’ve been making your happiness as much of a priority as it should be this year and also taking a look at what sources help you align with that energy altogether.
This time is about being a little bit more flexible, doing things differently, and being open to a new perspective. Relationship developments are also providing your heart more clarity right now, and you are balancing your needs with the needs of your partnerships and creative ventures.
VIRGO
Your ruling planet Mercury goes retrograde before the year ends, and this is helping you rebuild your foundations, Virgo. Mercury will be retrograde in an area of your life that has to do with your home, history, family, and emotional stability- and you are getting a new grasp on things here.
Where you have been planting your seeds and building for your future are coming up for review during this time, and you are gaining clarity on which of these foundations is stable enough to continue to build upon. You could be feeling less secure than you would like to right now, and this change of pace is helping you reassess your goals and figure out what is worth it for you and the legacy you want to live.
Coveteur
LIBRA
Mercury goes retrograde in Sagittarius, and the focus turns towards your communication channels, Libra. Mercury retro is already a more chaotic time when it comes to communication, and with this retrograde also happening in your 3rd house of insight and communication, you may feel this heaviness a little more right now.
This transit, for you, is about taking your time getting your message across, being patient while traveling and running errands, and giving yourself space to gain some new clarity.
Meditation, journaling, and talking to someone who can support you are therapeutic, and know that your voice deserves to be heard. You are looking at ways you can take up more space and show up in the world without letting your insecurities keep you away from true connection, vulnerability, and understanding.
SCORPIO
This Mercury retrograde is happening in your 2nd house of income, values, assets, and self-confidence, and you are taking a step back to assess your current reality, especially financially, Scorpio. This is a good time to go over your spending habits and earnings, to find greater balance here, and to think about some of your financial goals moving forward.
Look at your resources, skills, and talents, and make sure what you are receiving is equal to or greater than what you have been giving. Less is more right now, and this isn’t the best time to overspend or overindulge, as you need more time to grasp your current stance on things, and how to increase your overall wealth and abundance.
SAGITTARIUS
With this Mercury retrograde happening in your sign, it’s hitting a little closer to home for you, Sagittarius. This is a good time to refine your goals and direction in life and how you want to show up right now. You deserve to be able to change your mind when you need to, and you are thinking about some of the things you have done and what you want to do moving forward.
Miscommunications are more likely while Mercury is in retrograde, but you can use this as a source of empowerment, knowing that you are living in your truth and allowing yourself room to grow in the process. Remember to be a little kinder to yourself during this transit and to give yourself the grace you need right now.
Coveteur
CAPRICORN
This Mercury retrograde for you, Capricorn, is about rest and taking care of your emotional world. You are being given the opportunity to spend more time alone, to gather your strength, and to heal before you enter the new year. A lot has happened, and there have been many changes in your world this year. This Mercury retrograde is here to help you find acceptance and closure.
You are in a preparation stage right now, and things can feel a little more lonesome in this energy, but with a different perspective, you can see just how much of this space your heart truly needs right now. The past is coming up for you to see things in a new light, and you are ready to gain some renewed insight, closure, and healing.
AQUARIUS
This Mercury retrograde highlights your friendships, community, and your hopes and dreams, Aquarius. You are being reminded of the importance of connection, but more significantly, of good connections. You are looking at who and what surrounds you right now and gaining clarity on whether this energy matches who you are and the things that you stand for.
Your social circle and the people around you are shifting as the power dynamics do, and you are finding your place and purpose amidst this change. It’s about identifying who and what makes you feel good and aligning things in your life to bring in more of that energy. Don’t be discouraged right now; find your people and ask for support.
PISCES
Your career and ambitions are the focus during this Mercury retrograde, Pisces. You have a lot to address here, and you are gathering your skills and talents and reminding yourself that you are worthy of your dreams. Miscommunications and setbacks are more likely within your professional world, but they are here to ask you if what you are striving for, is really what you need right now.
You are thinking a lot about how you show up in the world, what you want to be known for, and what successes you still want to obtain. This isn’t the time to let anyone’s idea or vision of you define who you are; rather, define that for yourself. Show up as you want to be seen, and don’t count yourself out right now, Pisces.
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Featured image by We Are/Getty Images
As I approach 30 next year, it’s safe to say I’ve had my fair share of ups and downs in the dating world, especially as a Black woman. Like many of you, I spent my 20s navigating a sea of advice that, in a lot of ways, contradicted each other. Some of the words of wisdom I stumbled across were empowering, while other advice seemed one-sided, but the majority of the “relationship takes” I received left me feeling more confused than ever.
From books such as Act Like a Lady, Think Like A Man, the infamous relationship quizzes, analyzing zodiac signs, contradicting articles, and removal prayers to trusted friends and family members, I have tried it all, and some of you can probably say the same.
We have all been told to play the cool girl role, waiting for the right man to pursue you, or following tips about “never texting first.” On the other hand, some of you were taught to approach dating, like Gabrielle Union in Deliver Us From Eva.
Unfortunately, some of us have even crashed out over a man, possibly more than once, often left with feeling misunderstood, disrespected, and humiliated. Then the cycle continues of going to the internet search bar to see where everything went wrong.
With YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, X, and Chat GPT available at the touch of a button, it’s easy to get a million different viewpoints about navigating love as a Black woman. Unfortunately, a lot of this advice can come from narrow-minded viewpoints that come with a “one size fits all” approach.
On one hand an "online dating expert" can say act mysterious, while another says to be upfront about what you want. Some may say, “wait for the right person to come along,” while others urge me to take charge and “make things happen.”
In other words, there was no consistency, and worse, the advice didn’t feel tailored to me as a Black woman. Not just while navigating dating but everything that comes with it, from societal expectations to stereotypes. It all left me feeling stuck until now.
What I’ve learned in my 29 years of life so far is it’s not about a set of rules. It’s about finding guidance that speaks to you specifically as a Black woman. This is what led me to write this article because, after all the trial and error, I’ve finally found online dating coaches who truly get it.
They understand the unique experiences, challenges, and strengths that come with being a Black woman in the dating world. These three coaches don’t offer generic advice; they offer insights that help you build healthy relationships on your own terms without compromising your identity.
In this post, we are sharing some of the top dating coaches in the game I’ve come across who focus on empowering Black women and women of color. Each one tackles the unique challenges we face as Black women from different angles, offering guidance that goes beyond the surface level. Whether it’s unpacking societal pressures, navigating confidence and body image, healing from childhood wounds, or walking away from toxic patterns, these coaches bring clarity to the confusion. Here’s who made the cut.
Second Runner-Up: Kindall D. (Mindset & Intuitive Coach)
Whether you’re in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, or beyond, you have to heal from within before trying to date anyone. This is why the “Top 3” spot goes to Coach Kindall D., who is all about walking away from toxic patterns and building confidence.
With a following of 136K, Kindall D. is a mindset and intuitive coach with a community called “I've Been That Girl Too.” She focuses on helping women heal from past relationships, how to recognize toxic patterns, and uses her own personal relationship stories to relate to her community.
With a calm demeanor and non-judgmental space, she shares short-form videos and quotes about knowing when to walk away, navigating dating with an anxious attachment style, avoiding “projects in love,” and beyond.
I think one of her best videos is ‘How to Know He’s Safe.’ Too many times, as Black women, we see videos that are always painting men in a negative light. Such as knowing how to spot the red flags. This isn’t necessarily bad, but it leaves you more guarded and less open to healthy relationships in the future. This could possibly lead to resentment and becoming overly independent.
Ladies, here is how to spot a safe man, according to Kindall D. “If you are able to assert a boundary in the beginning while talking to them and they don’t treat you differently or their interest in you doesn't dissipate, then you know that means they’re safe. Also, it means they’re emotionally mature.
Another way to know he’s safe is when he does what he says he’s going to do, no matter how small. Lastly, if he’s interested in getting to know you [beyond the physical]. In other words, he gives you compliments about who you are [at the core] rather than just your appearance.”
First Runner-Up: Tisia Xiare Vere (Confidence & Relationship Coach)
Sometimes, with relationship advice, sugarcoating the truth is not going to cut it. This is why the “Top 2” spot goes to Coach Tisia, who is all about confidence and clarity in dating.
Her content consistently goes viral, and she is known for her no-nonsense, satirical approach to relationships. She basically uses humor to uplift her community while also reminding them to set boundaries.
Earlier content as a creator consisted of Tisia using clips of the animal kingdom during mating season. The video clips would show the male animals chasing the female animals and relate it back to real-life dating scenarios.
Later on, Tisia started posting more videos about relationships and asking a series of questions that would have you think twice if you were being delusional or logical in the dating world.
One of her best videos consisted of her pulling out some questions from a live Q+A about “How to Get A Man to Like You Again.”
As a Black woman, we may often feel the need to prove ourselves or overly exert ourselves in relationships. This could possibly stem from childhood, but this video shuts down that relationship approach swiftly. Her clown-filtered thumbnail sets up the video perfectly, with a plot twist at the end.
Now, if you aren’t here for a reality check, Tisia also has a group chat and personal 1-on-1 coaching if you are looking for a softer approach to the truth.
The Winner: Anwar White (Dating and Relationship Coach)
If you are ready to take things a step further in your relationship journey and truly look within, then your fairy godbrother, Coach Anwar, is here to save the day.
Anwar takes the No. 1 spot because he tackles topics about childhood wounds, image, who to date based on your personality type, how to date Black men, how to date outside of your race, and more. The best part is he coaches you on how to maintain your dignity and stay true to yourself.
He provides somewhat of a cheat code that actually works in real life. No mind games, no empty advice, but he truly looks at things from a qualitative and quantitative approach to assist you along your dating journey.
His series of videos touch on very specific topics rather than vague innuendos that make you feel more confident in dating. A personal favorite of mine would be his video on “Dating Complements.” In a nutshell, the type of man that would complement you best based on your personality type.
According to Anwar, “Type A boss babes need the optimistic golden retriever guy. This is the engineer or the federal employee. Very much black cat, golden retriever vibes. The nice girl needs the tradesmen, such as the plumbers and construction men. They will be the physical, and you will be the heart and spirit. Anxious girls need the quiet introverted guy that is in tech or even veterinarians. Their quiet confidence will calm you.
If you are the momma bear, you need the needy guy. The musician, the artist, the entrepreneur, and the politician. If you are a social butterfly, you need the non-social gamer guy such as IT guys or accountants. If you are a party girl, you might attract an overprotective guy such as a banker, lawyer, or consultant.
Lastly, if you are the romantic girl, the complement that works is more athletic. That’s why the English teachers always have a crush on the PE teachers. This would be the coaches, athletes, military men, police, and firefighters.
For me personally, Coach Anwar helps take away the stress from dating and stops you from dating with a scarcity mindset. He helps you narrow down the search and empowers you in the process.
After reaching out directly to see why he decided to become a dating coach, he sent this video back as his reason “why”:
Now, whether you’re just beginning to heal, looking for a wake-up call, or diving deep into unpacking societal pressures, these coaches are here to guide you with clarity and compassion.
Each coach has weekly content to assist you, but your love story starts with the work you’re willing to do within. With the right guidance and a little patience with yourself, you're bound to attract the love you deserve with ease.