There are many professional and career/family oriented WOC who put in so much work for their jobs/families, whom have also have struggled with juggling all the above in conjunction with mental health challenges.
Whether it's dealing with high anxiety, or chronic depression, many powerful WOC have to do it all, and seemingly keep it all together, in a society where they are often oppressed and marginalized.
Speaking from experience, it takes great strength to work very hard externally and still manage to beat your mental health struggles internally by embracing self-love and self-care. This read will spotlight how four inspirational professional millennial women of color in different industries have dealt with challenging mental health issues while being active in their career paths.
Octavia Yearwood, Author & Motivational Speaker
Octavia Yearwood works in arts education creating intersectional arts programming. She is also known as a motivational speaker and author of her upcoming book, How The Hell Did You Do That,which is an interactive journey, serving as a guide book, memoir, and workbook helping readers to walk through the process of self-healing.
A Day in the Life:
"My days vary because I do several things. I teach, I create art programming, I have a book with a curriculum, I host events, and I'm a keynote speaker. On a normal busy day, I am returning emails between 7am-9am and then preparing to do any of those things or heading to a meeting in regards to any of those things. Today, in particular, I have to be at the University of Miami to work with some dance students who have a video shoot today, I have two classes, so I will be cleaning their choreography, getting them placed, and talking about the shot list with the program Director, Shedia Nelson, who also shoots and edits the video.
"I will need to get out of there by 12, so I head up to another private school and work with, and teach from 1pm till 4pm. On my ride up to the school, I am answering these interview questions and working through a proposal I'm working on for an Art Institute, [and finally] my foster brother is also in town, so I will need to make time to see him before he leaves in the morning to head back to NYC."
How She Grew Into Self-Love & Self-Care:
"I am actually fresh off of a depression that took me out for a good part of the beginning of the year. A lot of my work is for the benefit of the world, so it gets really rough to be so focused on helping the world, women, and our youth in particular, and hit roadblocks when it comes to nonprofits and getting funding to materialize things.
"I am an artist first, so working within corporate structures made me pick up a lot of bad habits that hurt me, like always trying to say or do things perfectly, being passive-aggressive, and not being completely honest about how I felt. I was fresh off resigning from a nonprofit that I put a lot of energy into, and a romantic relationship that I also put a lot of my energy into. Both ended around the same time last year, and I threw myself into my independent work even harder; by the time February hit, and one deal fell through, I was ready to be done with this world."
"I had suicidal thoughts in a way that I never experienced before."
"I isolated myself so much and was going through it, but no one knew because I was still 'booked and busy' in publications and throwing events, etc. I had to get recentered. I could feel that my spirit was weak because I wasn't doing what it needed. So, I called a sister of mine for a reading with my ancestors who told me what I needed to do, which was what I knew I needed anyway. I got myself back into my meditative practice, being active (working out and dancing more), cleansing my energy, and prayer."
"I had abandoned those things. I needed them for self-care."
"My self-love showed up in a different way. It came in the form of caring less about people's thoughts, and what I thought people needed from me. I got into the habit of navigating people instead of letting them navigate me. I was like, 'Nah, I'm not doing that anymore.' I had already got in touch with how valuable I was theoretically, but I had to begin to move in that in a real way."
How She Navigates Career & Mental Health:
"Firstly, the work is nothing without me. If life is a game like they say, I'm not doing it right if I don't have fun and if I'm not winning. All of our goals are a means to an end, which is why once we achieve a goal, our masochistic asses just create another one! So, it's all about the lessons along the way of the process, making self-awareness a huge key in regards to self-care because it makes you do a self-check-in. It's more important than ever for me to say what I want, be who I am, and enjoy the moments."
"I remind myself that I make time, so I actively do that for my friends and all the things that feed my spirit."
Her Advice to Working Women:
"YOU FIRST! Selfishness gets a bad rap. Do the things that feed your spirit, whether it's singing karaoke or laying in bed naked for a day. Please create some type of spiritual practice for yourself so you can maintain or attain a balance spiritually. It translates to everything else. You are everything, so you can do everything but you can do nothing alone. So, ask for support when you need it. I love you."
For more of Octavia, follow her on Instagram.
Shaunette Stokes, Attorney & Professor
Shaunette Stokes is a practicing attorney, licensed in the state of Florida. For the last four years, she's owned and managed her own law firm, Stokes Law Group, located in Tampa, Florida. She practices primarily Small Business Law and Intellectual Property Law, and is also a professor in the Paralegal Studies department at the local community college.
A Day in the Life:
"On my busiest days, I spend a significant amount of time in court for my cases that are in litigation. I like to schedule my court appearances in the morning in an effort to avoid losing any hours of productivity on other cases/client files. Ideally, I spend my mornings in court and my afternoons in the office working on client files unless I have a trial, in which case I am typically in court for a full day. On the days I do not go to court, I reward myself with an extra hour of sleep. I typically get in the office by 10:00 am and leave at around 4:00 pm to prepare my lectures for my evening classes at the local community college. Once class is over and all of my student meetings are complete, I get home around 9:00 pm. Most days, I continue working for a few hours once I arrive home."
How She Grew Into Self-Love & Self-Care:
"Prior to May 2018, I practiced Family Law, which is typically a highly litigated area of law and therefore a highly lucrative practice area as well. The courts have very strict rules and deadlines, which can have a serious impact on the outcome of your case. Not to mention the fact that the clients are going through an extremely life changing event for both themselves and their family, so emotions tend to run high. As a result of the nature of these cases, I dealt with a large amount of anxiety."
"My anxiousness did not come from a fear of failure but rather from a fear of disappointing my clients."
"Unfortunately, there is never a guarantee that the outcome will go as expected. At the end of the day, even if you win a Family Law case, no one really wins because it does not heal a broken family. Often times, I found myself absorbing my client's emotional burdens and would treat them as if they were my own issues. I was extremely stressed and unhappy but it took me five months and an actual panic attack for me to make the decision to stop accepting Family Law cases."
"For me, recognizing the need for help and making this huge decision to stop accepting cases in such a lucrative practice area was honestly the biggest self-care and self-love decision I have ever made."
How She Navigates Career & Mental Health:
"It has not been easy but I have learned that I have to put my personal wellbeing, and therefore self-care, first and foremost. The practice of law is very stressful and I strive to create a work environment in the office for both myself and my staff where self-care is a priority. At my firm, we take mental health days at least once a month to help decompress from work."
"In addition to taking mental health days, both myself and my staff have the flexibility to work remotely from home at least twice a week. This allows me the flexibility of taking care of myself while still ensuring that the work gets done. On days that I work remotely, I go to the salon and get my hair done or treat myself to a pedicure. I have structured my business in a way that I can work remotely and still reach a high level of productivity whether it's in my office, from the comfort of my own home, or at the salon."
"I also strive to make the effort to go to the gym at least three or four days out of the week. I have found that when I take the time to put myself first, I am not drained from work and oftentimes I am more productive."
Her Advice for Working Women:
"I would advise any working woman that is trying to juggle any combination of the three to take the time to put herself first. Period. In order to establish a healthy work-life balance, you should prioritize yourself and what is important to you. Do not feel guilty for taking a break and allowing yourself to rest. You cannot be at your best on a professional level if you are not physically and mentally at your best on a personal level."
"Love yourself. Care for yourself. Learn to take the time to make yourself a priority and reap the rewards."
For more of Shaunette, follow her on Instagram.
Alana Blaylock, Documentary Film Producer
Galore Mag
Alana Blaylock works in the Film & TV Industry as a Documentary Producer. Her job responsibilities vary from role to role, whether she's prepping for a shoot in the office, physically in the field working with talent, or sitting with editors in post-production putting episodes together. Working on Lebron James' docu-series, "Best Shot," helped her find her own redemption after a mental health breakdown.
A Day in the Life:
"When I'm not on a set, I usually wake up by 7 every day. I'm a morning person and enjoy being active when my brain is most fresh. After heading to the gym, I'll go to my local coffee shop and order a Matcha Latte, catch up on the news, read my horoscope, and a verse from my bible app for an inspiring message. Then, I'll head into the office around 9 to start whipping off emails in order to book talent and find locations for shoots. During the afternoon, I write creative documents to send to my team. Every day is different and every series I work on varies in content, so it's an exciting job! On a weekday night, I'll cook dinner at home and catch up on my shows. On the weekends, I'm usually traveling so my plans depend on the city I'm located in at the moment."
How She Grew Into Self-Love & Self-Care:
"After going through a rough period last year, my mood dropped and healthcare professionals diagnosed me with clinical depression and acute anxiety. I was forced to talk about traumas I had been quietly dealing with alone for years. After keeping my problems under wraps, I finally opened up to therapists to get emotional help. Today, I have a solid treatment team and I'm on the right medication, which helps tremendously."
"I go on mindful walks for reflection time and set aside time to work out to clear my head."
"I never want to experience the mental anguish I felt before again. That being said, I work really hard to keep a positive mindset and be around people who will uplift me. I recognize that every day is not going to be perfect, and I'm not going to be perfect every day. The old me was not that kind to herself and held unrealistic standards. Now, I'm gentle with myself and most importantly, patient with myself as part of my recovery."
How She Navigates Career & Mental Health:
"I have to admit that it's difficult finding stability in such a fast-paced business. You sometimes have to be ready for a job in 24 hours and get in shape. The old me used to be type A and panic when things weren't going my way. Now, I realize that everything works itself out and nothing is more sacred than my sanity. Keeping that in mind, I move ahead with confidence, grace and understanding that flexibility and agility are key."
Her Advice for Working Women:
"Don't panic - The world will not end if something does not go your way! Set aside personal time for 30 minutes a day at least, and don't keep things bottled up inside until you want to explode. Communicate to others your expectations of them and what you can realistically deliver to them in both your personal and professional life. If your gut is telling you that you need a break, you probably do. Running on fumes does not do anyone any good. Take that vacation with your girlfriends or go on a solo wellness retreat."
"Be intentional about your self-care and happiness."
For more of Alana, follow her on Instagram.
Alie Jones, Educator & Entrepreneur
Alie Jones is a body positive entrepreneur, teaching artist, and self-care advocate. She's an art teacher at an after school program in an East Oakland middle school who encourages her students to reflect on the influence that art can have on justice and healing. She's passionate about empowering youth to speak their truth, and cultivate artful expression. In her piece for Afropunk entitled, "How Revolutionary Self-Care Becomes An Act Of Radical Activism," Jones channels Audre Lorde, expressing how "self-care is an act of self-preservation," and a radical political right, encouraging young people to practice the revolutionary art of self-care.
A Day in the Life:
"My most chaotic and rewarding day of the week is Wednesday. I start my day with yoga or meditation. I grab my weekly planner and create a list of my three daily intentions and tasks to achieve them. In our program, we go from an hour of homework time, activity time, snack, and two enrichment classes. From work, I go home to shower, change, and eat dinner. After resetting, I head to my weekly spoken word open mic, Speak On It."
"Having a space to authentically express myself in my community is so rejuvenating."
How She Grew Into Self-Love & Self-Care:
"My mental wellness journey has been turbulent yet transformative. I battle high functioning anxiety and severe depression every day. Last April, I was haunted by thoughts of suicide. In a very dark space emotionally and didn't know how to ask for support when I needed it, I allowed my negative self talk to tear me down. These feelings were amplified after experiencing emotional abuse and sexual assault during my second time living in France."
"I told myself that if I was gone, it wouldn't matter to anyone."
"In an effort to foster communities of self-care and self-love, I started a creative collective in Oakland called Bodacious Bombshells. Being in spaces with other women of color who have struggled with body image and mental health, self-care has taught me to explore body acceptance and mindfulness. Through one on one and group therapy, I've examined how I cope and challenged my ideas of isolation with community."
How She Navigates Career & Mental Health:
"My self-care and professional life align so well. I create spaces to share the healing of aromatherapy, deep breathing, and processing through creative writing. When I put my wellness first, I'm able to encourage those around me to go the same. I'm fortunate enough to have a workplace that inspires me to keep going on my darkest days."
Her Advice for Working Women:
"My advice for women working to thrive is be who you are, love who you are. You have to make space for authentic living and love without conditions."
"Self-care has to be intentionally practiced."
"Your mental health is top priority, there is no way to be completely present at work or in your families unless you're taking time to recharge your batteries. Self-love is an active choice, hold space for recharge and reset."
For more of Alie, follow her on Instagram.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Amber Riley has the type of laugh that sticks with you long after the raspy, rhythmic sounds have ceased. It punctuates her sentences sometimes, whether she’s giving a chuckle to denote the serious nature of something she just said or throwing her head back in rip-roarious laughter after a joke. She laughs as if she understands the fragility of each minute. She chooses laughter often with the understanding that future joy is not guaranteed.
Credit: Ally Green
The sound of her laughter is rivaled only by her singing voice, an emblem of the past and the future resilience of Black women stretched over a few octaves. On Fox’s Glee, her character Mercedes Jones was portrayed, perhaps unfairly, as the vocal duel to Rachel Berry (Lea Michele), offering rough, full-throated belts behind her co-star’s smooth, pristine vocals. Riley’s always been more than the singer who could deliver a finishing note, though.
Portraying Effie White, she displayed the dynamic emotions of a song such as “And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going” in Dreamgirls on London’s West End without buckling under the historic weight of her predecessors. With her instrument, John Mayer’s “Gravity” became a religious experience, a belted hymnal full of growls and churchy riffs. In her voice, Nicole Scherzinger once said she heard “the power of God.”
Credit: Ally Green
Riley’s voice has been a staple throughout pop culture for nearly 15 years now. Her tone has become so distinguishable that most viewers of Fox’s The Masked Singer recognized the multihyphenate even before it was revealed that she was Harp, the competition-winning, gold-masked figure with an actual harp strapped to her back.
Still, it wasn’t until recently that Riley began to feel like she’d found her voice. This sounds unbelievable. But she’s not referring to the one she uses on stage. She’s referencing the voice that speaks to who she is at her core. “Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind,” the 37-year-old says. “It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women. I got so comfortable in [doing so], and I really want other people, especially Black women, to get more comfortable in that space.”
“Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind. It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women."
If you ask Riley’s manager, Myisha Brooks, she’ll tell you the foundation of who the multihyphenate is hasn’t changed much since she was a kid growing up in Compton. “She is who she is from when I met her back when she was singing in the front of the church to back when she landed major roles in film and TV,” Brooks says. Time has allowed Riley to grow more comfortable, giving fans a more intimate glimpse into her life, including her mental health journey and the ins and outs of show business.
The actress/singer has been in therapy since 2019, although she suffered from depression and anxiety way before that. In a recent interview with Jason Lee, she recalls having suicidal ideation as a kid. By the time she started seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants in her thirties, her body had become jittery, a physical reminder of the trauma stacked high inside her. “I was shaking in [my therapist’s] office,” she tells xoNecole. “My fight or flight was on such a high level. I was constantly in survival mode. My heart was beating fast all the time. All I did was sweat.”
There wasn’t just childhood trauma to account for. After auditioning for American Idol and being turned away by producers, Riley began working for Ikea and nearly missed her Glee audition because her car broke down on the highway while en route. Thankfully, Riley had been cast to play Mercedes Jones. American Idol had temporarily convinced her she wasn’t cut out for the entertainment industry, but this was validation that she was right where she belonged. Glee launched in 2009 with the promise of becoming Riley’s big break.
In some ways, it was. The show introduced Riley to millions of fans and catapulted her into major Hollywood circles. But in other ways, it became a reminder of the types of roles Black women, especially those who are plus-sized, are relegated to. Behind the scenes, Riley says she fought for her character "to have a voice" but eventually realized her efforts were useless. "It finally got to a point where I was like, this is not my moment. I'm not who they're choosing, and this is just going to have to be a job for me for now," she says. "And, that's okay because it pays my bills, I still get to be on television, I'm doing more than any other Black plus-sized women that I'm seeing right now on screen."
The actress can recognize now that she was navigating issues associated with trauma and low self-esteem at the time. She now knows that she's long had anxiety and depression and can recognize the ways in which she was triggered by how the cult-like following of the show conflicted with her individual, isolated experiences behind the scenes. But she was in her early '20s back then. She didn't yet have the language or the tools to process how she was feeling.
Riley says she eventually sought out medical intervention. "When you're in Hollywood, and you go to a doctor, they give you pills," she says, sharing a part of her story that she'd never revealed publicly before now. "[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that's not fixing my problem. If anything, it's making it worse."
“[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that’s not fixing my problem. If anything it’s making it worse.”
Credit: Ally Green
At one point, while in her dressing room on set, she rested her arm on a curling iron without realizing it. It wasn't until her makeup artist alerted her that she even realized her skin was burning. Once she noticed, she says she was "so zonked out on pills" that she barely reacted. Speaking today, she holds up her arm and motions towards a scar that remains from the incident. She sought help for her reliance on the pills, but it would still be years before she finally attended therapy.
This stress was only compounded by the trauma of growing up in poverty and the realities of being a "contract worker." "Imagine going from literally one week having to borrow a car to get to set to the next week being on a private jet to New York City," she says. After Glee ended, so did the rides on private planes. The fury of opportunities she expected to follow her appearance on the show failed to materialize. She wasn't even 30 yet, and she was already forced to consider if she'd hit her career peak.
. . .
We’re only four minutes into our Zoom call before Riley delivers her new adage to me. “My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway,” she says.
On this Thursday afternoon in April, the LA-based entertainer is seated inside her closet/dressing room wearing a cerulean blue tank top with matching shorts and eating hot wings. This current phase of healing hinges on balance. It’s about having discipline and consistency, but not at the risk of inflexibility. She was planning to head to the gym, for instance, but she’s still tired from the “exhausting” day before. Instead, she’s spent her day receiving a massage, eating some chicken wings, and planning to spend quality time with friends. “I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’m not going to talk down to myself. I’m going to eat my chicken wings, and then tomorrow I’m [back] in the gym,” she says.
“My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway."
This is the balance with which she's been approaching much of her life these days. It's why she's worried less about whether or not people see her as someone who is humble. She'd rather be respected. "I think you should be a person that's easy to work with, but in the moments where I have to ruffle feathers and make waves, I'm not shying away from that anymore. You can do it in love, you don't have to be nasty about it, but I had to finally be comfortable with the fact that setting boundaries around my life – in whatever aspect, whether that's personal or business – people are not going to like it. Some people are not going to have nice things to say about you, and you gotta be okay with it," she says.
When Amber talks about the constant humbling of Black women in Hollywood, I think of the entertainers before her who have suffered from this. The brilliant, consistent, overqualified Black women who have spoken of having to fight for opportunities and fair pay. Aretha Franklin. Viola Davis. Tracee Ellis Ross. There's a long list of stars whose success hasn't mirrored their experiences behind the scenes.
Credit: Ally Green
If Black women outside of Hollywood are struggling to decrease the pay gap, so, too, are their wealthier, more famous peers.
Riley says there’s been progress in recent years, but only in small ways and for a limited group of people. “This business is exhausting. The goalpost is constantly moving, and sometimes it’s unfair,” she says. But, I have to say it’s the love that keeps you going.”
“There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman,” she continues. “We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
"There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman. We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
Last year, Riley starred alongside Raven Goodwin in the Lifetime thriller Single Black Female (a modern, diversified take on 1992’s Single White Female). It was more than a leading role for the actress, it also served as proof that someone who looks like her can front a successful project without it hinging on her identity. It showcased that the characters she portrays don’t “have to be about being a big girl. It can just be a regular story.”
Riley sees her work in music as an extension of her efforts to push past the rigid stereotypes in entertainment. Take her appearance on The Masked Singer, for instance. Riley said she decided to perform Mayer’s “Gravity” after being told she couldn’t sing it years earlier. “I wanted to do ‘Gravity’ on Glee. [I] was told no, because that’s not a song that Mercedes would do,” she says. “That was a full circle moment for me, doing that on that show and to hear what it is they had to say.”
As Scherzinger praised the “anointed” performance, a masked Riley began to cry, her chest heaving as she stood on stage, her eyes shielded from view. “You have to understand, I have really big names – casting directors, producers, show creators – that constantly tell me ‘I’m such a big fan. Your talent is unmatched.’ Hire me, then,” she says, reflecting on the moment.
Recently, she’s been in the studio working on original music, the follow-up to her independently-released debut EP, 2020’s Riley. The sequel to songs such as the anthemic “Big Girl Energy” and the reflective ballad “A Moment” on Riley, this new project hones in on the singer’s R&B roots with sensual grooves such as the tentatively titled “All Night.” “You said I wasn’t shit, turns out that I’m the shit. Then you called me a bitch, turns out that I’m that bitch. You said no one would want me, well you should call your homies,” she sings on the tentatively titled “Lately,” a cut about reflecting on a past relationship. From the forthcoming project, xoNecole received five potential tracks. Fans likely already know the strengths and contours of Riley’s vocals, but these new songs are her strongest, most confident offerings as an artist.
“I am so much more comfortable as a writer, and I know who I am as an artist now. I’m evolving as a human being, in general, so I’m way more vulnerable in my music. I’m way more willing to talk about whatever is on my mind. I don’t stop myself from saying what it is I want to say,” she says.
Credit: Ally Green
“Every era and alliteration of Amber, the baseline is ‘Big Girl Energy.’ That’s the name of her company,” her manager Brooks says, referencing the imprint through which Riley releases her music after getting out of a label deal several years ago. “It’s just what she stands for. She’s not just talking about size, it’s in all things. Whether it’s putting your big girl pants on and having to face a boardroom full of executives or sell yourself in front of a casting agent. It’s her trying to achieve the things she wants to do in life.”
Riley says she has big dreams beyond releasing this new music, too. She’d love to star in a rom-com with Winston Duke. She hasn't starred in a biopic yet, but she’d revel in the opportunity to portray Rosetta Tharpe on screen. She’s determined that her previous setbacks won’t stop her from dreaming big.
“I think one of my superpowers is resilience because, at the end of the day, I’m going to kick, scream, cry, cuss, be mad and disappointed, but I’m going to get up and risk having to deal with it all again. It’s worth it for the happy moments,” she says.
If Riley seems more comfortable and confident professionally, it’s because of the work she’s been doing in her personal life.
She’d previously spoken to xoNecole about becoming engaged to a man she discovered in a post on the site, but she called things off last year. For Valentine’s Day, she revealed her new boyfriend publicly. “I decided to post him on Valentine’s Day, partially because I was in the dog house. I got in trouble with him,” she says, half-joking before turning serious. “The breakup was never going to stop me from finding love. Or at least trying. I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness, and you enjoy it and work through it.”
Credit: Ally Green
"I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness and you enjoy it and work through it.”
With her ex, Riley was pretty outspoken about her relationship, even appearing in content for Netflix with him. This time around is different. She’s not hiding her boyfriend of eight months, but she’s more protective of him, especially because he’s a father and isn’t interested in becoming a public figure.
She’s traveling more, too. It’s a deliberate effort on her part to enjoy her money and reject the trauma she’s developed after experiencing poverty in her childhood. “I live in constant fear of being broke. I don’t think you ever don’t remember that trauma or move past that. Now I travel and I’m like, listen, if it goes, it goes. I’m not saying [to] be reckless, but I deserve to enjoy my hard work.”
After everything she’s been through, she certainly deserves to finally let loose a bit. “I have to have a life to live,” she says. “I’ve got to have a life worth fighting for.”
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Take orgasms, for example. Since I’m well aware of the fact that vaginal orgasms (especially) can be a real challenge for a lot of women, I’m constantly on the hunt for what can help to “bridge the gap” in that arena.
And that’s why I decided, this time, to forego science articles, vlogs, and online data and instead ask some women for myself about some of the things that they do to make having an orgasm, improving their orgasms, and their sexual experience overall something that is so much better for themselves.
So, grab yourself a light aphrodisiac snack (check out “Eat Your Way To Better Sex With Aphrodisiacs”) and dig into what 15 Black women told me gets them off, in a mighty big way, just about every time.
*As always, middle names have been used so that everyone can feel comfortable giving up the goods…umm, so to speak*
1. Rochelle. 37. Married for 11 Years.
Giphy“While y’all be out here talking about some kegels, what I’m into is my man giving me a hip massage. The key is to make sure you use some sort of massage oil that has menthol in it. Between the tingling of the menthol and him rubbing on your hips, not only is it really relaxing, but the ‘minty feel’ opens your body up so that once intercourse begins, you’re less tense, and that makes having an orgasm so much easier to do.”
2. Karmyn. 27. Single.
“Kiss him the way you want him to penetrate you. Literally, use your tongue as if it were a penis and move it in his mouth like you want him to move inside of you. The kissing will turn you both on, and if he follows your instructions, you should be able to orgasm with no problem."
"I learned this trick when I asked an ex of mine to explain what p — sy feels like, and he said the best way to explain it is what a tongue feels like inside of [the] mouth. He should’ve never told me that, boy! It’s been hell in these streets ever since!”
3. LaChelle. 43. In a Serious Relationship for Two Years.
“If you’re self-conscious about your body, get some lingerie that has cutouts in them. There is a lot of sexy stuff out here that can have you covering up the parts you’re not comfortable with while still giving him access to the ‘main events.’ My man loves one of my lace one-piece teddies that has no crotch, and it’s easier for me to orgasm because I’m not overthinking the entire time.”
4. Trinitee. 27. Married for One Year.
Giphy“We’ve only been married a year, but we weren’t exactly abstinent when we were just dating. So, we like to find ways to keep it fresh. One thing that we do is go ‘hotel hopping’ once a month. We find a new hotel and meet each other there. We try and do different hours of the day and come with a surprise in hand. Like he might bring a new sex toy, and I might have on some lingerie that he’s never seen before. Then we text each other beforehand to talk about the best part of the sex we had from the last hotel we visited. The anticipation is foreplay.”
5. Wren. 33. In a Serious Relationship for Six Years.
“What works for me is doing afterplay as foreplay. What I mean by that is, taking a nap naked with my boo before any sexual activity is one of my favorite things. Being up under him, especially if he’s spooning me, feels really good, sleeping together is very intimate, and — there’s something about being awakened outta my sleep with kisses on my neck and back that almost makes me want to cum right then and there.”
6. Bevalyn. 40. Living with Her Partner for Four Years.
“Get on your back and have him kneel in front of you."
"Put your legs over his, and when he penetrates you, ask him to use one of his hands to apply pressure on your pubic bone — the area right above your clitoris."
"As he’s gently pushing down while he’s inside of you…if you don’t cum from that, I don’t know what else to tell you, sis.”
7. Sophia. 38. In a Serious Relationship for Two Years.
Giphy“Shower sex can be a bit much, and I don’t trust a used jacuzzi. What we do is fill up our own inflatable pool and get it on inside of it. It’s perfect during the summer, late at night, because we have a tall fence. Just make sure that you bring some silicone lube to keep things slippery down there. An inflatable pool has been one of the best sex investments that we have ever made!”
8. Averie. 35. Single.
“Wanna know if your man is as into giving you head as he claims? Right after he goes down on you, ask him to immediately penetrate you. If he’s hard, he’s totally into it, and if he catches you soon enough, you’ll be in the perfect position to have a multiple orgasm. Don’t say I didn’t give you the ultimate cheat code.”
9. Victoria. 40. Married for 11 Years.
“Shellie, you actually got me on the cinnamon kick when I read one of your articles that talked about applying cinnamon oil to my clit before oral sex. Since [then], I’ve been doing some research, and it says that cinnamon is also an aphrodisiac because it stimulates blood flow. So, I’ll also drink cinnamon tea throughout the day or share a cinnamon cocktail with my husband. Works like a charm.”
Shellie here: She’s right. I did say that. LOL. You can read for yourself: “Here's How To Have Some Really Great Fall-Themed Sex.”
10. Daniela. 28. Engaged for Six Months.
Giphy“Ever been fingered backward? What I mean is, get on all fours and have him insert a finger or two from behind with his palm being flat. That way, the space in between your anus and your vagina will get a massage while your vagina gets penetrated. There’s nothing quite like it.”
11. Saven. 32. Single.
“Ice. Have him rub a little bit of ice on your clitoris and then immediately warm it up with his tongue. There is something about the drastic changes in temperature that gets me every time. And I mean, EVERY time.”
12. Ferynn. 30. Living with Her Partner for Five Years.
“I don’t know about you, but my man loves to put my legs up in the air. It was never really my favorite move until I read that behind the knees are an unsung erogenous zone. Whoever found that out was onto something because if he rubs back there while talking real crazy to me in a deep voice? Here I come…HERE I COME!”
13. Vivienne. 30. Engaged for One Year.
Giphy“Never underestimate the power of a foot massage. Just make sure that he applies pressure in the middle of your foot where your arch is. It instantly makes me wet. I asked my doctor why and he said that it’s probably because foot massages tend to increase blood flow, including where the vagina is. Either way, it’s always a good night if I get a foot massage first.”
14. Michelle. 24. Single.
“I’m a doula who owns my own exercise ball…for sex. When I first started showing couples the positions that women can get into to make labor easier, it got me to thinking that some of those positions could work for sex too — and they do."
"Something about the movement of the ball takes the pressure off of the back for both men and women. It also makes getting into certain positions a lot easier so that you can enjoy sex for a lot longer.”
15. Carol. 31. Married for Five Years.
“My husband and I have bets. If he wants me to make some of his favorite meals five days in a row, he’s gotta make me cum five times in a row. If I want him to get me something that’s not in our budget, I’ve gotta attempt one of his sex fantasies. We’re both competitive as hell, so it works for us because honestly, even when we ‘lose’…we win!”
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Listen, I don’t know about y’all, but this was definitely worth my while. After all, ain’t nothin’ like some Black women who can speak from very-personal-and-up-close experience about what makes them happy — especially if it can increase the odds of bringing some sexual satisfaction your way too.
Speaking of, if you want to share the wealth, drop some of your own orgasm-related tips in the comment section. The more of us who can woosah on the regular, the better, chile. Straight up. #havefun #lotsofit
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