I won’t lie to y’all — one of the most challenging things about being a marriage life coach is the fact that, a lot of times, people wait until their marriage is literally on its last leg before seeking any type of professional help. It’s like they are pretty much saying, “My marriage is a complete dumpster fire. Now get it back healthy in five sessions or less.” It’s another message for another time that therapy and/or coaching don’t exactly work that way. For now, though, let’s briefly discuss how so many unions get to that point in the first place.
Feeling (or being) taken for granted. I can’t tell you how many calls, emails, or texts I’ve received where a husband or wife is totally at their wit’s end because they feel like their spouse is not grateful for the things that they do. And when you keep on giving, and the other person isn’t appreciative, that really is the beginning of a downward spiral, one that can be hard to come back from if you let too much time pass by.
So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving being just a few days away (where is this year going, y’all?!), I asked 12 wives to share with me some of the not-so-immediately-obvious things that they proactively do to let the number one man in their life know that they see him, they love him, and they are oh so very thankful for him — each and every day that they “do life” together. May it inspire you to stay the course (if you’re already doing something on your own), follow suit, or come up with a way to love on your boo thang in a similar fashion as well.
*Middle names have been used so that people can speak freely*
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Diane. 37. Married for 11 Years.
“If a lot of women were honest, they’d own the fact that most of the dates that they go on with their boo consist of things that they want to do more than what he does; at the most, it’s a compromise on his part. My husband and I try and go on two dates a month: he plans one, and I plan one. What I try to do on mine is either come up with something that I know he will enjoy or at least ask him if there’s something that he would like to do. Not all of his answers are things that I like, but it has expanded my world a lot. I’ve learned about soccer. I’ve gone skydiving. I’ve definitely tried some new foods. And he feels like I care about what he cares about. He feels appreciated, so it works.”
Wychelle. 42 Married for 15 Years.
“Around every six weeks, I have a DIY pamper day at home. It’s not for both of us, it’s for my husband only. I will give him a facial, rub his feet, give him a manicure, run him a bath with some lavender oil and Epsom salt, and prepare his favorite meal while his favorite music plays. He really looks forward to those days, and I’ve found that we have the most intimate conversations then. He said it’s because his guard is totally down because I make him feel cherished during those moments. That’s why I like doing it so much.”
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Astrid. 37. Married for 10 Years.
“I wish I could do it more than this, but I try to let my husband stay in bed, all day, at least once a season [four times a year]. Between our kids and our hectic schedule, even that’s close to impossible, but I will get the kids over to somebody’s house for at least a night, if not a whole weekend, so that he can sleep in, I can make him breakfast in bed, he can have sole control of the remote, we can have some what we call ‘loud sex,’ and he can take long naps. He literally lives for those days, and I’m happy to do it!”
Oakland. 25. Married for One Year.
“One of the ‘wife mentors’ in my life often says that being a Black man in this country is a very thankless position. So, I try and send my husband random thank-you texts throughout the day: ‘Thank you’ for cooking dinner last night; ‘Thank you’ for being cool about my breaking the budget on my Target runs; ‘Thank you’ for just being yourself. I usually get an ‘I love you’ reply afterwards. I love that.”
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Eve. 31. Married for Six Years.
“My husband is an extrovert. I am anything but, so a way that we had to strike a compromise was to do some day or weekend trips since I’m not the biggest people person or traveler. We will take a major trip once a year, but in between those times, I’ll look for a town or city that is no more than 6-8 hours, and we’ll tour that. It helps to keep him not feeling so antsy about always having to stay close to home; plus, he says that he loves that I am willing to step out of my comfort zone that way — because he knows that, if it were up to me, I’d be home all day, every day.”
Larissa. 46. Married for Eight Years.
“I took a big leap of faith and quit my job this year to follow my passion. Our kids are in college, and we saved up enough money for the past three years for me to do it. It’s still a sacrifice on my husband’s part because he’s remaining in a position that he’s not thrilled with so that I can make my dreams happen. One way that I show him how grateful I am for the sacrifice is I purchase things that feed into his own passion projects which are all music-related. I get equipment when I can. I’m constantly sending him podcasts and videos about it. I get him concert tickets. I try to do things to let him know that this is only a season — he will be able to do his thing too…soon.”
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Yvonne. 24. Married for 11 Years.
“At the end of every month, I jot down at least 15 things that I really appreciated that he did that month and I post it on the fridge. I think it’s important that he sees it and our children because they need to know that their mommy sees their father. They also need to get used to seeing what happens ‘behind the scenes’ that they might not know about — things that keep the ball rolling around here.”
Serenity. 46. Married for 21 Years.
“I don’t nag my husband, and it’s as simple as that. How many times have you heard that a man just wants some peace? In my over 20 years of marriage, I’ve learned that the best way to show a man how much you care about him is to give him what he needs, and no man needs to feel like he’s always being hounded about something all of the time. A lot of you won’t listen, but I’ve got some experience under my belt. Give that man peace, and he’ll feel like you’re thankful for him.”
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Chayla. 27. Married for Three Years.
“One of the best things that I ever did for my marriage is actually something that you recommended. Remember how, during our first year, I was in some serious marriage culture shock, and you said that I should try the ‘respect challenge’? I grew up in the Church, and so I knew about what the Bible says about respecting your husband but no one really explained what that looks like. Once a year, I will do the challenge, and it’s like ‘pushing reset’ in a lot of ways. He feels more appreciated, and he goes out of his way to indulge me during those times.”
Lynn. 33. Married for One Year.
“Something that my parents and grandparents did is put a gratitude journal on their nightstand: one for the husband and the other for the wife. They committed to put something that they were grateful for when it came to one another, no less than twice a week. Both [couples] are still married. My husband and I are carrying the tradition.”
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Athena. 33. Married for Five Years.
“I cook four nights a week, my husband cooks two, and we either go out once a week or order in. My husband is gonna eat whatever I prepare, but we’re both foodies. That’s why, once a week, I ask him for his personal request and make that. He loves that. It’s my way of showing him that I ‘see’ him, and since I haven’t grocery shopped in over a year now, it’s not stressful to do at all.”
Thalia. 50. Married for 30 Years.
“My husband and I have been going on ‘I thank you walks’ after dinner for the past 27 years or so. In the beginning of our marriage, we both were resentful because we weren’t raised to apologize or show gratitude. One day, I read an article about a couple who took thank-you strolls in order to get some quality time in and to tell each other why they were thankful for each other. They said it changed their marriage, and it improved ours too. We do it every night. It’s a tradition and, sometimes, the very best part of our day.”
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Author Brené Brown once said, "I don't have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness—it's right in front of me if I'm paying attention and practicing gratitude." Just imagine how much more awesome marriage would be to so many, if they applied this to, not only being grateful for their spouse but expressing their gratitude to them. Not just on Thanksgiving but every day. I hope this inspires you to do just that.
Good husbands are a true blessing. Make sure that they know that you know it. Often.
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- I Discovered My Husband's Love Language ...And It Changed Everything ›
- 10 Creative Ways To Express Gratitude In Your Relationship ›
- Some Highly Overlooked Qualities You Should Look For In Your Future Husband ›
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- This Is How To Avoid Taking Your Spouse For Granted ›
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Some other beautiful things that can come from staying in the present?
1. You Can Take the Pressure Off
GiphyThere is a Scripture in the Bible that is a great way to open up the points of today’s article: “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” (Matthew 6:34 — NKJV)
Y’all, after the summer that I’ve had this year (check out “I've Been Estranged From My Mom For Years. She Died Last Week.” and “I Was Hired To Be An Online Life Coach. Then Got Scammed For $4K. Here's How To Avoid This.”), verses like this one have been a breath of fresh air because, although it is wise to plan for the future (of course, it is), it’s also great wisdom to choose to rest in the fact that, no matter what may be going on, all that you can do is your best from day to day.
When you really learn to embrace that reality, it really does make life far less stressful.
Which brings me to my next point.
2. You Stop Trying to Control…What Is Out of Your Control
GiphyI believe I’ve shared before that back when my house burned down, three days before Christmas, back in 2021, that was a life-changing moment for me. As I watched all of the firefighters cutting into the roof, after asking the fire marshal what the cause was, I told everyone that I had a pedicure appointment and I would be back. The fire wasn’t my fault. What wasn’t destroyed by flames was jacked up by the foam and water that was used to put the fire out. And hell, I couldn’t control any of that. What I could control, though, was doing some self-care, so that I could remain as calm and focused as possible.
Y’all, obesity, heart disease, headaches, depression, anxiety, accelerated aging, premature death — all of these health-related issues are linked to stress and one of the things that stresses people out is trying to control what is literally out of their control. And honestly, that’s what makes the Serenity Prayer so impactful: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”
Wanna know if you’re walking in true discernment and emotional maturity? You are out here only controlling what is in your power. Straight up.
3. You Are Able to Be More Peaceful and Less Frazzled
GiphyTo be frazzled is to be worn out — and something that can absolutely wear you out is thinking about too many things at once or trying to do too many things at one time (more on the latter in a second). However, the beauty that comes with both of these things is knowing that you absolutely have the power to avoid both pitfalls by choosing to remain in the moment.
If you are having lunch with a friend, don’t worry about the conversation that you need to have with your boss tomorrow; you aren’t there yet. If you are in the process of paying your tax bill, don’t stress about rent (yet); be glad about the provision that you have to take care of the matter at hand. Why be worried about how Christmas or New Year’s at your in-laws is going to go if you’re days or weeks out from it? Focus on what you’ve got going on and how to make it pleasurable.
I’m telling you, one of the best things about living in the moment is it reminds you that if you keep your mind, body, and spirit in the present, you are able to remain so much more at peace. Where peace is, calm is. Where calm is, tranquility is. And that is an absolutely wonderful space to be (and remain) in.
4. You Can Concentrate on One Thing at a Time
GiphySomething that I know that people (especially women) like to brag about is the ability to multitask. If you’re one of those individuals, it’s time to do a bit of myth debunking. Although some studies say that people can accomplish doing a couple of things at a time fairly well, semi-recent intel is revealing that trying to accomplish more than three things at a time will typically cause you to not be as efficient or excellent at your tasks as you might think.
In fact, I recently read an article on the topic which said that when office workers are interrupted, it can take them almost 30 minutes to actually get back on track. That’s because the brain is not designed to complete more than one comprehensive task at a time.
So, you know what that means, right? By attempting to do more than one thing at a time, you’re probably not going to be as thorough, and that could result in you actually wasting time because you’ll have to go back over “it.” Yeah, I’d rather just stay in the moment and concentrate on the one thing that is before me. That way, it can be done well, and when I move on from “it,” I can move on…fully.
5. You Become More Appreciative
GiphyWhen you get a chance, check out the article, “Screen time and emotional problems in kids: A vicious circle?” from the American Psychological Association. One of the things the article said is “The study revealed that the more children engaged with electronic screens, the more likely they were to develop socioemotional problems… Conversely, children experiencing socioemotional problems were found to be more likely to turn to screens as a coping mechanism.”
Know what else is unfortunate about being too attached to technology? It can train your mind to seek out instant gratification from things (since you are able to gain instant access to so much information and entertainment) — and that can teach you to be supremely entitled and very ungrateful.
This is why I will forever-and-a-day side with interior designers who say that bedrooms are for sex and sleep ONLY. What is the tie-in? Well, if you use that room in your house for two things only, that teaches you to honor and respect those two things more. You know that when you are walking into your bedroom, there is copulation, rest, or both that is going to happen — no more, no less. And that can make you want to decorate the room with this in mind, be intentional about the kind of attitude and energy that you bring into that space — and cause you to treat your partner in a way that welcomes real and lasting intimacy for you both.
Yeah, if all that is on your mind is sex and sleep, you will choose to cultivate those moments only in there…and that can make you even more grateful, not just to the sleep and sex…but your bedroom overall, since you haven’t also turned it into an office, fun room and second sleep room for your kids and pets and another spot to be surfing the web all night long. Just sayin’.
Nothing about social media or the internet as a whole encourages you to “stay in the moment,” it beckons you to absorb as much as you possibly can in record time. And that is just one more way to drain yourself instead of relaxing and taking each moment as it comes. Prove me wrong.
6. You Can Keep Things in (Better) Perspective
GiphyThe late comedian George Carlin once said, “Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.” I really like that quote because it’s a reminder that, at the end of the day, some things aren’t right or wrong; they are simply your perspective. And that’s why I encourage a lot of my clients, whenever they are discussing, debating or disagreeing with their spouse to not say, “That’s not true” but to instead reply with, “I see it differently.” It takes the ego out, and people can always hear and receive differently when humility walks into the room.
And yes, when you are determined to remain in the moment, it can help you to fine-tune your perspective. For instance, say that you are having a conversation with someone who hurt your feelings, and they are apologizing. If you stay in the past (which isn’t in the moment), you will trigger those same emotions that may make it difficult to forgive them. If you jump too far into the future, you might create problems (via hypothetical scenarios) that don’t exist by worrying about what could happen if the same thing happens again. If you remain in the present, though, you can honor how you feel in the here and now of it all and move based on that energy alone.
You’d be amazed at how much your perspective shifts based on whether or not you remain in the moment. If you don’t believe me, try it out. Hop in the comments and let me know how it played out.
7. Life Becomes More Complete
GiphyHmph. It’s kind of wild how my first comment included a Scripture, and this last one is about to as well. Hebrews 13:5(NKJV) says, “Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have.” Being content means being “satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.”
Now, does this mean that it’s wrong to want a new car, or a different job, or a spouse and kids someday? Of course, not. Yet as we wrap this up, it is a verse that speaks to — yep, you guessed it — staying in the moment because if you’re so caught up in “the next thing,” it can cause you to miss out on what you already have going on right now.
I promise you that if you really concentrate on being satisfied with what you already have, that can make you see all that you’ve got — and it’s probably a lot more than you realize. And when you’re in that mindset, it tends to make life feel more complete. You’ve got provision. You’ve got some good friends. You’re in your right mind. There are areas of your life that are “lacking nothing,” which is what complete means. You can also be at peace — and guess what one definition of the Hebrew word for peace (which is shalom) is? COMPLETE. Full circle.
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Psychologist Abraham Maslow once said, “The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness.” Author Marianne Williamson once said, “The present moment, if you think about it, is the only time there is. No matter what time it is, it is always now.” Author Eckhart Tolle once said, “Always say 'yes' to the present moment... Surrender to what is. Say 'yes' to life — and see how life starts suddenly to start working for you rather than against you.”
All of these are spot-on because, at the end of the day, the gift of the present is all that you have.
By remaining in the moment, that is how to make the absolute most of it.
Please make sure that you do.
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