
You know what's a trip? A lot of relationships would run just fine if both individuals were focused on becoming better communicators. Communication is about expressing your thoughts and feelings. Communication is about imparting knowledge. Communication is about speaking in a way that cultivates a true connection.
Today, what we're gonna tackle is, how to know if you're an effective sexual communicator. This is super important because, just like relationships on the emotional tip can be spared when people connect well, a lot of sexual dynamics can significantly improve when clear and concise sexual connecting happens, even outside of the bedroom. And just how can you know that you (and your partner) are master sexual communicators? Let's dig in and see.
What Does Effective Communication Mean Overall?
If someone were to ask me to define good sex in 10 words or less, something that I'd probably say is, "Good sex is the result of two great communicators." Yet before I get into what it means to be a good sexual communicator, how about we touch on some things that make someone a good communicator overall.
The signs of a good communicator:
- Listen thoroughly
- Think before responding to something that was said
- Are thoughtful yet direct in conveying their thoughts
- Are conscious of timing when it comes to their approach
- Takes responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings, and delivery
- Are tone-sensitive
- Are not afraid to ask questions in order to get clarity
- Make no assumptions or rash judgments
- Are open to other insights and perspectives
- Know that body language is essential
OK. So, now that I've shared some telling signs of whether someone is a good communicator or not (which as you can see, is a pretty tall order), first ask yourself how well you and yours are, in general, when it comes to communicating with one another. Now, let's take a moment to look at how this all translates into sexual intimacy.
Do You Clearly Convey Your Sexual Wants and Needs?
I've got dozen-times-10 reasons why I'm not a fan of faking orgasms. One of the reasons is that, if you're constantly acting like you are sexually satisfied and fulfilled, why would your partner do anything different and why should he be blamed for not doing so? The entire point of communication is to connect with someone so that both individuals can feel heard and validated. If there is one place where this is of the utmost importance, it's when it comes to copulation. So yeah, if you're an individual who is a good sexual communicator, a clear indication of that is you have no problem stating what your sexual wants and needs are.
Before going any further, let me shed a bit more light on this particular point. First, stating your needs is not about making demands. Barking orders isn't good communication; it's actually rude AF. What I mean is you're not about mincing words, constantly dropping hints, or being passive-aggressive. If you like foreplay to last longer than a couple of minutes, you say that. If doggy style is your least favorite sexual position, you are fine with bringing that up too.
My second point is there is a bit of a difference between sexual wants vs. sexual needs. A want could be to have sex in public. Your partner may never want to do that, so while that reality might slightly suck, it's probably not a real deal-breaker. On the other hand, cunnilingus may be a need because maybe it's the only way that you're able to climax. Knowing the difference between what your wants and needs are and then being able to explain them both, without hesitation or embarrassment to your partner, is definitely a sign that you are a good sexual communicator.
Do You Ask Your Partner How You Can Please Them?
If there are three times when I think a lot of women could stand to realize that they are more selfish than they probably want to accept it's 1) when it comes to only focusing on what their boo should do for them on Valentine's Day; 2) wedding planning, as if there is not a whole 'nother individual involved; and 3) taking the time to make sure that they know what their partner's wants and needs are in the bedroom rather than merely assuming that they already know. Listen, I work with a lot of couples where the wife has gotten so arrogant that she assumes that all her husband needs is for her to be naked and ready. If that's not enough for us, why should we think that is enough for the man in our life?
It can't be said enough that communicating is about making a connection and the best kind of sexual connection is when both partners are deeply engrossed in making sure that the other is pleased to the utmost. If you can't recall the last time you asked your man what he desired in order to feel sexually gratified, there is a breakdown in communication somewhere. Besides, men fake it too. If you just read that and Kanye shrugged, that's another red flag on the sexual communication tip. The communication tip overall, actually.
Do You Know the Difference Between Sex and Intimacy?
Not all sex is intimate. And that really can't be said enough. I mean, dogs have sex and it's not exactly intimate; they do it because they're in heat. You can hire someone to have sex with you who you've never seen a day in your life and will never see following the moment. There's nothing intimate about that either. Intimacy is about having a warm and personal relationship with someone. Intimacy is about mutual trust being established. Intimacy is about two people who care for each other on a very real and profound level. Intimacy is about reciprocity and a form of interdependence. Intimacy is about knowing someone while you feel known by them. A good sexual communicator is just as interested in cultivating intimacy as they are in sexual pleasure.
Different people have different opinions (and convictions) on what this kind of intimacy should consist of. Some would say marriage. Others would say a long-term relationship. Others would say a mutual understanding of some sort. Some don't think intimacy is necessary at all. What I will say about all of this is 1) not too many people, male or female, would disagree with the perspective that sex is better when intimacy is involved and 2) just make sure that you know the difference between sex and intimacy before having sex. Many people have had all kinds of things lost in translation because they assumed that since they had sex with someone, some sort of intimacy took place. Yes, oxytocin (a hormone that physically bonds two people) was triggered. However, as far as a mental and emotional bond goes—don't be so sure. You can only be confident if it was…communicated.
Do You Understand That Men and Women Are Different? By Design?
Genesis 1:26-28 tells us that God made us male and female. God made us that way. A female child is born with XX chromosomes and a male one comes with XY. Women have more estrogen. Men have more testosterone. Women have vaginas. Men have penises. Lord knows that I could go on and on but where I am ultimately going with this is men and women are different—by design. Whew, I can't tell you how many times that I have sat in a counseling session and looked at a wife and was like, "Did you just want to marry yourself but with a penis?" There are so many "issues" in male/female relationships that wouldn't have to be that way if both genders simply accepted that they are not meant to be twins; that the differences are supposed to bring about a balance.
A good example is the fact that a lot of men typically have a high sex drive. It's not because they are "sex freaks"; a big part of it is because of all of the testosterone in their system. Sometimes what I share with wives in sessions is it's interesting that many women want men to be the providers in relationships and yet, once their man initiates sex often, all of a sudden there's a problem. Your man providing you with sex—hopefully good sex—means that he's providing you with sperm/semen. If you check out "Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm", you'll be able to see how that can be a real blessing in an abundant of ways, chile. So yeah, another point that can't be overlooked when it comes to being a good sexual communicator is the fact that you bring some specific things to the table as a woman and your partner does the same—only, as a man. Some things aren't going to be alike. And that's OK. That's how it's supposed to be.
How Are You with Non-Verbal Sexual Communication?
Author Peter Drucker once said, "The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said." There are many things that comprise of sex being totally off the chain. One of them is being able to decipher non-verbal communication. Can you tell when your partner is horny? Do you know their erogenous zones without them spelling it out for you? During sex, are you able to tell what's working and what isn't? Something that I've asked many men before is if they're sure they know the difference between a genuine and a fake orgasm (because if a man is really paying attention, he should be able to tell).
By the same token, can you tell when your partner is fully into it or simply pacifying you? While being able to speak openly and honestly about sex is good, right, and healthy, you also need to be able to pick up on non-verbal sex cues because, just like 80 percent of all communication is non-verbal, at the end of the day, a whole lot of good sexual communication is non-verbal too.
Are You Comfortable with Initiating Sexual Conversations?
A couple of years ago, I wrote "9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight." for this platform. Once you're done reading this, I would encourage you to check it out and to also shoot it over to your partner. Remember how at the top of this piece, I shared that good communication consists of timing and asking questions in order to gain clarity? Something else that good sexual communicators are able to do is figure out when the most ideal moment is to talk about all of this (usually it's NOT during sex; that can make your partner uncomfortable or self-conscious) and then to ask questions to get the insight that is necessary. Not only being intentional about having sexual conversations as a way to convey that your sex life is a priority to you, it can also cause both of you to feel safer and more at ease.
Sometimes, couples will tell me that their sex life sucks. Then, after having a conversation like this, they realize that the act isn't the problem—lack of communication is. If your boudoir is not as stellar as you would like right through here, perhaps you are in the same boat. Communicate with your partner. Let them do the same. It might be a very simple way to get (back) to climbing the walls, sis. For real, for real.
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Because We Are Still IT, Girl: It Girl 100 Returns
Last year, when our xoNecole team dropped our inaugural It Girl 100 honoree list, the world felt, ahem, a bit brighter.
It was March 2024, and we still had a Black woman as the Vice President of the United States. DEI rollbacks weren’t being tossed around like confetti. And more than 300,000 Black women were still gainfully employed in the workforce.
Though that was just nineteen months ago, things were different. Perhaps the world then felt more receptive to our light as Black women.
At the time, we launched It Girl 100 to spotlight the huge motion we were making as dope, GenZennial Black women leaving our mark on culture. The girls were on the rise, flourishing, drinking their water, minding their business, leading companies, and learning to do it all softly, in rest. We wanted to celebrate that momentum—because we love that for us.
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.

In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.

In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.

And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.

We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.

So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.

That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.

This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Restlessness. It’s a word that we all know the meaning of, and yet, when you are in your bed and you are actually experiencing restlessness — few things are less annoying. Because if there’s one thing that I’m pretty sure we all can agree on, it’s the fact that when we go to our bedroom, turn off the lights, and snuggle up in our sheets, what we want to do is fall asleep and stay that way — not toss and turn all throughout the night.
So, what causes us to have moments when we’re not experiencing the sound sleep that we so desire? While I wish that I had a black and white answer for you, the reality is that several different factors (sometimes working together) may be the cause. That’s the bad news.
The good news is that if you check out the 10 leading causes below, by process of elimination, you might be able to get to the root of your own restless evenings — so that you can finally get the kind of quality rest that you well deserve.
1. Eating (Too) Late
GiphyLet’s start off with one that has a couple of layers to it. Although it is a good idea to not have a large meal less than two hours before turning in, some experts do say that a light snack that consists of natural melanin, serotonin or tryptophan could be helpful.
The reason why eating too much before bedtime isn’t a good idea is because the digestive process can be a pretty active one. Plus, it increases your chances of experiencing acid reflux and heartburn. On the other hand, snacking on almonds or tart cherries (melatonin), cheese or pumpkin seeds (serotonin) or yogurt or peanut butter (tryptophan) can be just what you need to lull your system to sleep.
Bottom line here: It’s not if you eat but what you eat…and when.
2. Junk Food
GiphySpeaking of foods, if junk food is totally your thing, first check out “Why You Should Consider Leaving Fast Food Alone” — and then at least try avoiding that stuff if you’re heading off to bed. Fried foods are hard to digest. Sugary foods (and carbs) can raise your blood sugar levels. Processed foods contain a lot of salt and salt can raise your blood pressure which can result in sleep disturbances. So, if you’re in the habit of going through a drive-thru at night, here’s a good reason to rethink doing so in the future.
3. Your Bedroom Is Too Hot
GiphyThis one right here, I can absolutely attest to — because when I am hot in a room, I can pretty much kiss sound sleeping goodbye. SMDH. The problem here is that when your body temperature is high, that can mess with your REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. Not only that but, in order for your system to produce the melatonin that it needs to keep you sleeping soundly, your body needs to be at a cooler temperature. And that is why your room sitting at somewhere around 65 degrees is ideal.
4. Your Bedding
GiphyI have a friend who just bought a house and I’m getting him a comforter for a housewarming present. Listen, don’t sleep on the power of amazing bedding because it, too, plays a role in how well you rest. Of course, you need to invest in a good mattress (you can read more about that here and here); however, when it comes to things like your sheets and your comforter, there are a few things to keep in mind.
Your sheets need to be made out of breathable fabrics like cotton, not ones like nylon, polyester or even silk. The reason why is because the latter traps in heat and we’ve already discussed what an elevated body temperature can do to you. Oh, and if you’re someone who enjoys flannel sheets during the fall and winter season, it’s probably better to get some blankets that you can “layer your bed” with instead; flannel can get mighty hot in the midnight hour too.
It’s also important that your sheets aren’t too small or too big for your mattress because that can make your bed feel uncomfortable. And comforter-wise, try and go with a color that doesn’t overstimulate you — neutrals and shades of blues, greens and yellows can accomplish this for you. And P.S., one of the best comforter brands around? Coma Inducer. I’ve been rocking with them for several years at this point and I don’t have not one regret.
5. Java and/or Alcohol
GiphyI’m not much of a coffee drinker (although I do adore coffee ice cream; go figure). I didn’t grow up with it (tea was in abundance in my home) and so it’s not something that I ever really think about. I do have friends who will drink coffee before bedtime, though, and that baffles me because coffee (due to the caffeine that is in it) is a stimulant — and that for that reason alone, you’d be better off having it in the morning instead of at night.
As far as alcohol goes, although it technically it’s a depressant, for the first couple of hours that it is in your system, it acts like a stimulant — which means that it tends to put your system on quite the roller coaster ride; one that you should want to avoid if you’re trying to get a good night’s rest.
My recommendation? Go the tea route and sip on some chamomile, lavender, ginseng, green or passionflower tea. All contain properties that are proven to relax your mind, body and spirit, so that you can fall asleep quicker and stay asleep longer.
6. Stress and Anxiety
GiphyListen, the summer of 2025 for me? Whew, chile (check out “I've Been Estranged From My Mom For Years. She Died Last Week.” and “I Was Hired To Be An Online Life Coach. Then Got Scammed For $4K. Here's How To Avoid This.”). Other than the couple of weeks when my mother was on a swift decline (and I was concerned about her physical suffering), thankfully, I didn’t lose much sleep, though — and praise the Lord for that because stress (and anxiety) definitely have a way of jacking up sleep patterns.
That’s because when you are stressed out, your cortisol (which is your stress hormone) spikes and that can hinder sound sleep — which can result in you feeling fatigued and irritable throughout the day. So, if you are stressed out — exercise, journal, meditate, spend quality time with fun and supportive people…oh, and have sex. All of these things are proven ways to calm and relax you — on a few different levels.
7. Late Day Naps
GiphyI adore sleep — always have. So, I can’t even say that it’s my age that has a sistah out here excited about taking a nap in the middle of the day (I work from home). And what I have to watch is not napping for too long or taking a nap that is too late in the day. Why? Because it can totally jack up my sleep patterns because it ends up throwing off my sleep schedule.
According to sleep experts, the way to avoid this is by scheduling your nap out about eight hours before your bedtime and also making sure that your nap doesn’t last any longer than 30 minutes (set an alarm, if you have to). If you do both of these things, you can get the benefits of a nap and the benefits of 6-8 hours of sleep without having to compromise either one.
8. Not Having a Sleep Schedule
GiphyAs humans, we really are creatures of habit. In fact, if you do something consistently enough, it can become automatic to you — it can end up being something that you do without really thinking about it at all. And that’s why it’s a good idea to at least consider coming up with some sort of a sleep schedule; that way, you can train your mind and body to have a pattern of rest.
The beauty of this is a sleep schedule can help you to reduce your stress levels, strengthen your brain, maintain a healthy weight, put you in a better mood and make you more productive throughout the day. On the other hand, not having a sleep schedule can make it really challenging for you to get quality rest at night. It only takes a few minutes to come up with a schedule and it’s well worth your time.
9. Too Much Stuff on Your Bed
GiphyEver heard that a cluttered desk reveals a cluttered mind? If you believe that, how in the world could this not translate to a bed as well? Hell, I even read an article which said that having a lot of stuff underneath your bed can wreck your sleep because it can trigger feelings of anxiety and restlessness and that’s because clutter can overstimulate you and keep you from being at peace.
Look, there’s no telling how many times I’ve said that bedrooms are for sex and sleep only (many interior designers feel the same way) — which means that your bed shouldn’t look like a makeshift office, it shouldn’t have clothes all over it and, even if you are an avid reader, it shouldn’t look like a horizontal bookshelf (where’s your nightstand at?).
You need to feel free to move comfortably about on your bed throughout the night — which ALSO means that, although I personally call pillows “stuffed animals for adults,” you still don’t need a ton of those on your bed either; two for sleeping and 2-3 more for décor purposes are typically ideal.
10. Your Damn Cell Phone
GiphyYou’ve probably heard this before and yet, since reportedly most of us check our phones somewhere around 205 times a day — I’m willing to bet that at least 10 of those times are while you’re in bed or when you’re up to make a bathroom run in the middle of the night. Yeah, as tempting as that might be, try to break that habit because the blue light that emits from your phone can disrupt how your system processes melatonin — and that is another way that you can find yourself really struggling to fall asleep again.
Whatever is on your phone, it can’t wait. It’s not worth your beauty sleep, chile.
BONUS: Imbalanced Hormones
GiphyHormonal imbalance is absolutely something that can have you tossing and turning all night long. If it’s due to all that is going on with you the week before your period, try exercising earlier in the day in order to help you sleep more soundly at night. If it’s because you are in the latter stages of perimenopause, consuming foods that are rich in phytoestrogens (plant-based estrogen) could help to level things out. Some of those foods include sesame seeds, garlic, peaches, berries and cabbage.
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YOU NEED SLEEP. Yes, I am yelling it because nothing is worth compromising it.
So, if you see yourself in anything that I just said, try making some adjustments tonight.
Within a week or so, you should find yourself sleeping more and tossin’ and turnin’ a heck of a lot less.
Beautiful.
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