If you’ve read enough content with my byline on here, you already know that I am definitely all about people having healthy, thriving, and consistent sex lives. One example of this is an article that I wrote a couple of years back entitled “10 Irrefutable Reasons To Have An Orgasm A Day.” When you get a chance, check it out because it serves as a pretty solid reminder that, although sex feels absolutely amazing, there are some practical benefits that should convince you to partake as much as possible too.
Today, though, we’re gonna dive into what happens specifically to your body while you’re in the process of climbing walls and hanging off of chandeliers. Because although you may get in theory that quite a few things are transpiring during coitus, you might be surprised at just how involved different parts of your body are in the act — not just how but also why.
1. Your Breasts Get Bigger
GiphyAlthough you probably don’t usually give it much thought, the next time you’re getting in or out of the shower, look at your breasts. Do you notice that they contain a significant amount of veins? Well, when you become sexually aroused, those veins fill up with blood, and that can cause your breasts to increase in size by as much as 25 percent. Not only that, but some medical professionals say that your areolas (the darker-colored skin that surrounds your nipples) also produce pheromones; these substances can help to improve one’s mood and heighten one’s attraction to their partner.
2. Your Vagina Gets Larger and Darker
Although the exact length can vary a bit when it comes to the size of your vagina, it tends to be somewhere around 3” when you’re not aroused and between 4”-5” when you are. This makes a lot of sense considering the fact that the average size of a penis when it’s erect is 5.5”. However, it should go on record that no amount of sex or no size of a penis can permanently “stretch you out.” So, if there’s some man in your world who believes that, send him this article ASAP.
Another thing that happens to your vagina (the inner tube that goes from your outer opening to your cervix) is it gets darker due to all of the vessels in it that also fill up with blood. As far as your vulva (the outer part of your vagina) goes, while it might look a little flushed after climaxing, for the most part, it remains the same in appearance.
3. Your Clitoris “Leaves” You
GiphyYou know the saying, if you don’t use it, you’ll lose it? Believe it or not, this actually can apply when it comes to your clitoris (check out “10 Things I Bet You Didn't Know About Your Clitoris”). That’s because if you go long periods without sexual activity, that can cause your clitoral skin to become thin and dry and even shrink (crazy, right?). This can also happen during menopause as your hormone levels go through a significant shift.
And while it does usually get larger during foreplay, another time when your clitoris will probably get smaller is when you’re on the brink of climaxing. For whatever the reason, when you’re about to orgasm, it prefers to disappear inside of your clitoral hood (check out “7 Reasons You Should TOTALLY Be In Love With Your Clitoral Hood”) and snuggle up next to your pubic bone. This actually may be why your partner becomes a bit more aggressive (in a good way) during cunnilingus. He might not say it, but he very well could be looking for your clit — which would make total sense.
4. Your Cervix Tilts
One kind of orgasm that some women are able to have during penetrative sex is a cervical orgasm. Although your cervix (the tube/canal that connects your uterus to your vagina) can’t exactly be penetrated, it can be stimulated. It should go on record that while one woman may find cervical stimulation pleasurable, others actually find it to be close to painful. So, if you happen to fall into category B, aim for another kind of climax; there are plenty of others to choose from (check out “U-Spot Orgasm, Fantasy Orgasm & 6 Other Orgasms You Should Try Tonight”).
That said, when you’re aroused, it’s pretty common for your cervix to pull back closer to your uterus in order to accommodate a penis (or sex toy). It’s also normal for it to tilt — in other words, to rock back and forth. If you’re wondering if you’ll notice…eh, probably not.
5. Your Body Temperature Increases
GiphyThis one is probably the least surprising of all when you stop to think about the fact that sex is a form of exercise and cardio tends to cause your temperature to go up. In fact, this is probably why so many say that wearing socks during sex can improve your chances of experiencing the Big O.
Some studies claim having socks on can increase your chances of climaxing by as much as 30 percent. Why? Well, one reason is due to the fact that wearing socks increases one’s blood flow and body temperature. Not only that, but it can help you to feel cozier when it comes to being intimate with your partner.
Personally, I hate wearing socks to bed (for any reason), and I hate feeling hot even more. But if you’re just the opposite, here’s a hack that could make sex even better for you. Report back if it does.
6. Your Brain “Lights Up”
When it comes to this one, I am absolutely not exaggerating. When you’re having sex (and especially when you’re on the brink of having an orgasm), there are different parts of your brain that light up, just like a Christmas tree — the genital sensory cortex, hypothalamus, thalamus, motor areas, and the substantia nigra. All of these parts work together to send information to different body parts, trigger the production of various hormones (that work to make sex more pleasurable) and help you to focus on what’s happening in the moment.
7. Your Brain Also “Turns Off”
GiphyLAWD. If you don’t get anything else from this lil’ read, please take this point in. While on the one hand, there are parts of your brain that become more active, there is another part that actually decreases during sex. It’s called your lateral orbitofrontal cortex, and it’s responsible for things like your reasoning capabilities, your judgment calls, and your decision-making process(es).
This is DEFINITELY reason one billion why you shouldn’t rely on sex to help you decide if someone is a good fit for you or not. Hmph, let your lateral orbitofrontal cortex tell it, it doesn’t have a clue (check out “What If The Sex Is Great? But The Relationship Sucks.”).
8. Your Pain Threshold Increases
If you really stop and think about how it can sometimes take a bit of maneuvering and finessing to get a tampon or a menstrual cup into your body, doesn’t it make sense that your threshold for pain would increase during sex? I mean, a penis is a lot larger than either of those, and between the penetration and all of the thrusting — yeah, like I said, it makes all of the sense in the world.
So, exactly how much does your threshold tolerance go up? I once read a science-based study that said the threshold skyrockets to almost 40 percent more while pain detection is somewhere around 53 percent. (This might explain why BDSM engagers experience pleasure when you really stop to think about it, huh?)
9. Your Immunity Strengthens
GiphyWell, here's a solid reason to ramp up your sexual activity. Did you know that people who have sex more than three times a month have a significantly stronger immunity than those who engage less than that? That's because something else that sex does is increase your body's ability to fight off pathogens. In case you're wondering, pathogens are organisms that literally cause disease.
Speaking of immunity, something else that can help you out is giving fellatio. Hey, roll your eyes if you want to, but there's plenty of data out there on that, too (check out "Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm").
10. Your Skin Looks Younger
To be honest with you, during copulation, there really isn’t one part of your body where blood flow doesn't increase. When it comes to your skin, specifically, the more blood it gets means the more oxygen that it receives. This is a real win because oxygen helps to increase the production of collagen in the body — and collagen is something that we all need to keep our skin clear, supple, and younger-looking. That’s why it’s actually not just a saying that sex can get rid of blemishes and give you great-looking skin. There is science to totally back those claims up — as you just read.
As a bonus, because sex can also increase your production of estrogen, word on the street is it has the capability to help your hair to stay long and healthy too. Another win, indeed.
11. Your Desire to Bond with Your Partner Significantly Grows
GiphyUntil the cows come home, I’m gonna stay on-repeat about the fact that oxytocin is one hell of a drug (well, hormone) when it comes to sex. And since the late philosopher Thomas Hobbes once described hell as truth being seen too late, this is something else to keep in mind when it comes to using solid discernment as it relates to sex.
I say that because a huge part of the reason why oxytocin has earned the nickname “the love hormone” is it has the amazing ability to make people feel very close to their partner during things like kissing and cuddling — and especially during sex.
This can be a good thing when a secure relationship is already established. It can also put you on quite the emotional roller coaster ride if you’re not sure where things stand, yet oxytocin is somewhere in your body yelling, “Don’t worry about it! If it feels right, it must be right.”
Yeah, don’t fall for that. It’s another article for another time, yet there is something to be said for things like logic, common sense, emotional intelligence, and paying attention to patterns — no matter how good a man can make you feel in the bedroom. In other words, please make sure that once oxytocin boosts have calmed down that you notice what’s happening outside of the bedroom too. And then act accordingly.
12. Your Vagina “Bounces Back”
Even if your vagina appears a bit larger right after sex, that’s nothing to be concerned about. After all of that back-blowing (wink), the friction can lead to a bit of swelling initially. However, what you can be absolutely sure of is things will return to their normal/regular size after a few moments. Listen, we’re capable of pushing out baby heads. Ain’t no penis in the world gonna cause you to lose your elasticity. Always remember that.
Let Your Partner Know: Your Vagina Contracts
GiphyWhenever women brag to me about how good they are at faking orgasms (check out “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP” and “So, 10 Women Sat Down And Told Me Why They Fake Orgasms...More Times Than Not”), I’ll usually say something along the lines of, “Then your partner isn’t paying close attention to what’s going on” because, unless you’re pulling off hella kegels as you’re acting like you’re seeing the mountaintop, he should notice that your vaginal walls aren’t contracting.
Yep — it doesn’t matter how much screaming and hollering you might be doing, something that transpires for a woman during an orgasm is the muscles in her pelvic region start to involuntarily contract (this happens to your anal muscles during anal sex as well).
So when it comes to concluding this article and debunking the myth that faking it is hard to detect — unless some wall-shaking is going on, the jig is up.
The good news on that is now you both need to figure out how to make your body do all of this stuff — without you having to try and act like it’s happening. Feel me?
Something tells me that you absolutely do.
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Thing is, with the divorce rate still being higher than it ever should be (for the record, a husband is not a boyfriend, and a wife is not a girlfriend; a marriage is serious business, y’all) and acting married being praised (or at least acknowledged) more than actually being married seems to be — folks who 1) are married and are looking for some hacks that will help with relational longevity or 2) want to be married someday and want insight on how to make their future marriage last are constantly seeking truly beneficial material.
Can you Google articles with random bullet points? Sure. And I’m not discouraging it. Every little bit of wisdom that you can pull, I fully support. However, the reason why I like to do articles like this one from time to time is there is something to be said from hearing real talk from multiple sources on the same topic who have some solid wisdom and knowledge on a particular topic.
Today? 11 married couples who were willing to talk about how they’ve been able to make it to several wedding anniversaries with a smile on their face and no regrets for choosing who they chose. Let’s all sit at their feet for just a moment.
*Middle names are always used in my content that’s like this so that people can speak freely*
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1. Kyle and Adrienne. Married 12 Years.
Kyle: “Some of your readers aren’t going to want to hear this but it’s worked for my marriage: people need to lower their expectations sometimes; I mean, men and women. We go into marriage with stuff that movies told us, social media told us, friends who are always single told us about what we should expect from someone, and then want to fault the person when they’re not what we made up in our head. Everyone should have standards but if you’re expecting your spouse to be some living version of a fairy tale character, you’re going to be disappointed almost every day of your life. Drop those expectations some and watch your relationship be a lot less stressful.”
Adrienne: “Talk to people who respect your man about your marriage. I’ve never believed that you shouldn’t ever go to anyone when you need some support. Even the Bible says that there is safety in wise counsel [Proverbs 11:4]. Too many women talk to women who don’t respect men, in general, let alone their husbands, and so that’s where things go left. Sometimes, you need an ‘outside in’ perspective. But if that woman is always taking shots at men, doesn’t respect marriage, or isn’t someone who holds your man in high regard, don’t ask her for advice. Really, you should ask yourself why you’re friends with her at all.”
Shellie here: I’m big on engaged and married couples having a “village” of sorts for their relationship, too. Check out “Why Every Engaged Couple Needs A 'Marriage Registry'” to get a good idea of what I mean.
2. Levi and Paulette. Married for 15 Years.
Levi: “Some of you have probably heard of the 7-7-7 rule. It’s where couples go on a date every seven days, have a weekend getaway every seven weeks, and go on a romantic trip of some sort every seven months. My wife and I do the 2-2-2 rule instead because sometimes our schedule and budget make ‘7’ difficult. It has gotten easier since Shellie told us about the sex jar. Bottom line, if you’re waiting for time to just open up to be with your spouse, that ain’t gonna happen. Schedule intimacy, including sex. Prioritizing it is better than saying you’re gonna be spontaneous and…never are.”
Paulette: “Initiate sex, dammit. When Shellie told us that men initiate sex most of the time, and then I thought about how often I used to push my husband away whenever he did it — I never really thought about how that made him feel until I put myself in his shoes. We’ve got to stop having all of this understanding for why women cheat when it comes to them not feeling desired or not getting attention when we’re the same way to our husbands. Your marriage isn’t ‘Young and the Restless’, where you’re just supposed to wait for your man to make the move. If you want to feel wanted, do the same thing for him.”
Shellie here: What’s a sex jar, you ask? You can read more about it via “5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar.”
3. Matthew and Gaia. Married for 17 Years.
Matthew: “Reenact some of your favorite times together. My wife and I do that semi-often. We’ll go back to where we had our first date, or we’ll go back to the hotel where we had some of the best sex before. Bringing back memories of when you felt the best together can give you the motivation to stay together to create some new memories to ‘play out’ later on.”
Gaia: “If you want to ‘mom your husband,’ you need to have kids — or at least get a dog! I didn’t realize how bossy I was until I got married. It’s because I saw my mom be that way with my dad. In my eyes, I thought that’s what love looked like until I watched how my in-laws were. They don’t try to change each other, and they definitely don’t make any demands. They’re very polite. I think a lot of married people are rude to their partner. Don’t be that.”
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4. Joseph and Carletta. Married for 10 Years.
Joseph: “Go to therapy for your childhood. I’m dead serious. No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways. If you’re at the point where you think therapy is needed, go alone and deal with your childhood first. It did miracles for me and mine.”
"No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways."
Carletta: “Meditate together once a day. Even if it’s just for 5-10 minutes, you need to carve out a moment to be mindful, focus on each other, and slow the world down. [Joseph and I] have been doing it for a couple of years now; it’s totally changed the way we communicate. Meditation reminds us to put each other first; that if we’re focused on each other, we can take on…whatever.”
5. Zeke and Rachelle. Married for 12 Years.
Zeke: “An argument is not a fight and a debate is not an argument. Learn that and you’re home-free. That’s all I got.”
Rachelle: “That advice that you just got? That sums up what it’s like to live with my husband. He’s very cut-and-dry, direct, and not wordy. That used to bug the hell out of me until I realized how wordy I was and then accepted that I wouldn’t want ‘two of me’ in the house [LOL]. He’s right. You can have a difference of opinion, and it be a debate. You can not find a middle ground on something and it turns into an argument. Neither of those is a red flag. It just comes with being with someone who is as much of an individual as you are.”
6. Taurus and Madison. Married for 22 Years.
Taurus: “Be prepared for your partner to change — not a couple of times, quite a bit. And when they change, that alters the relationship because now it’s not the person you stood with on your wedding day; it’s someone else. People get divorced so much because they are inflexible; they expect their spouse to never switch up and that’s just not how life is. If you’re rigid, controlling, or don’t know how to adjust, you don’t need to marry anybody. You’re gonna be miserable, and so will they.”
Madison: “Pray before sex. Before my husband and I got married, we had quite a bit of sexual history that caused us to do some comparing, and that led to resentment. In marriage, we had to adjust to how it’s more than just what we’re getting from another person. Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred. It might sound weird at first. Just try it. I don’t think you’ll regret it at all.”
"Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred."
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7. Karl and LaTasha. Married for 9 Years.
Karl: “Check in with your partner twice a day. In the morning before leaving the house and at night before going to sleep. If you work outside of the home, a lot can happen during the course of one day, so you shouldn’t assume that the person you left in the morning is who you are coming home to. I don’t mean sharing each other’s schedules or to-do lists. I mean, asking your spouse, ‘How are you doing? How are you really doing?’. It’s a smart way to take note of their mood and needs so that you are never blindsided.”
LaTasha: “Give each other some privacy. I have never been the kind of woman to go through a man’s phone, and I won’t start. If you think that you have to be a detective in your relationship, why are you in it in the first place? I know that Karl would give me codes and passwords if I wanted them because we’ve talked about it all before. Knowing that he would is enough for me. Marriage is an institution, but damn, it shouldn’t feel like jail.”
8. Thomas and Wynter. Married for 15 Years.
Thomas: “Ask your partner what their sexual needs are. Never assume that they haven’t changed because if we all agree that we are constantly growing and evolving as people, why would sex be exempt? Don’t personalize what they say about it either. All of us have sexual fantasies and interests that we keep to ourselves because we don’t know what our partner will think or ‘cause we think that they will create stories in their head about what made us think that way. I’ve learned that intimacy is feeling okay with sharing the deep stuff. The more comfortable a man, especially, is with doing that, the better the sex will be for everyone because talking about stuff like that is like taking down some walls.”
Wynter: “It’s okay to take one vacation a year with your girls and one by yourself. Just don’t go with people who don’t have the same standards as you, and as far as your solo venture, it doesn’t need to be longer than a long weekend. One thing that they don’t tell you about marriage is how there are times when you will feel like it is monotonous because of the routine of everything. A girls’ trip reminds you to get back to you outside of being someone’s wife or mom, and the trip alone is when you can sit around and do whatever you have to negotiate most of them. And yes, your man should be given the same courtesy.”
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9. Allen and Yvette. Married for 11 Years.
Allen: “STOP. BRINGING. UP. OLD. SH-T. SH-T. Nothing creates walls in a marriage more than you telling someone that you forgave them, and then the minute something else happens, here you go with the rap sheet of wrongs. Forgiving someone means that you are pardoning them, and that’s not what you’re doing if you’re constantly holding stuff over their head. One thing that marriage will show you is how bad of a forgiver you are. Most people suck at it, if we’re gonna be real about it.”
Yvette: “I already know that some women are going to assume that my man must’ve done something to say all of that (LOL). He’s a much better forgiver than I am, believe it or not. The real plot twist is, what gets on his nerves more than anything, is when I bring up stuff that he’s forgiven me for. Allen is the kind of man [who] hates to live in the past. I’ve grown a lot because of that. I think my advice would be to stay focused on solutions and tomorrow instead of problems and yesterday.”
Allen: “Sh- t, that’s bars, babe!”
Shellie here: INDEED.
10. Brennton and Danyelle. Married for 16 Years.
Brennton: “Why anyone who is trash at forgiving would get married is beyond me. It’s delusional to the nth degree to think that you are worthy of forgiveness and others aren’t — or that what you do isn’t ‘as bad,’ and that’s why you deserve forgiveness and others don’t. My wife and I have a lot of time under our belts. I’m here to tell you that there will be something, daily, that you will need to forgive your partner for on some level. If you can’t see yourself being open to that, marriage simply isn’t for you.”
Danyelle: “I don’t know who taught so many of us that being passive-aggressive will get us what we want, but it’s a damn lie. If something is wrong, stop saying ‘nothing’ when your man asks you what’s up because, if you’ve got a man like mine, he’s gonna say ‘Okay’ and go on about his day. Brennton often says that my refusing to speak isn’t his responsibility, it’s mine. That used to piss me off because, deep down, I knew that he was right. Oh, and chill on the grudge-holding too. With guys, that’s not going to get you anywhere either.”
11. Christopher and Yvonne. Married for 26 Years.
Christopher: “Have more loyalty for your spouse than you do your closest friend. Too many people don’t think like that. If you’ve got a friend since college, you’ve been through some things and you’ve learned to forgive and move past it. If you can’t see your wife or husband in this way, why did you get married? You should never have more grace for someone who you didn’t take vows with; that’s ludicrous. Before anyone else, I’m going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It’s because I value her more than anyone. That’s what marriage is.”
"Before anyone else, I'm going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It's because I value her more than anyone. That's what marriage is."
Yvonne: “Even if you’re not about ‘traditional gender roles,’ discuss what the expectations are for the home. People don’t divorce over cheating as much as getting sick of beard clippings in the bathroom sink or cars that look like pocketbooks. When you sign up for marriage, you are doing daily life with another person. Articulate your expectations. Listen to theirs. Be flexible until you both can make it work. Do that, and you’ll look up, and it’s been 20 years already.”
____
Gems. Pure gems, y’all.
You know, popular consultant Barbara De Angelis once said, “Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” And love? Love is a choice.
And so, whether you’re married, engaged, or simply desire marriage in the future, hopefully, these tips will help you to choose how you love your spouse (or future spouse)…better.
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