Healing: What Two Weeks In A Psychiatric Hospital Taught Me
"We're going to have to admit you. I'm going to make a call, just prepare yourself because you could leave in the next day or so."
This is what a psychologist told me after spending just a few minutes in her office. I was scared, confused, and emotional. I looked at her as if she was telling me that I was a crazy person. Is my case that bad that a psychologist's solution was to refer me to a psychiatric hospital? Can't we sort this out in a few sessions? Well, I guess not.
You see, five years ago I was raped by a stranger. I spoke about my story here. This is the same situation that led me to a psychologist's office in 2017 because I felt as though my life was falling apart.
Things had gotten so bad that I was a mess all the time. I was crying everywhere – at work, in my car, at church, and at home. As much as I thought I'd dealt with the emotional scars that come with being a rape survivor, it turned out, I had barely scratched the surface. You see, publicly opening up about my experience resulted in a lot of people reaching out to me and sharing their own painful experiences. Their emails touched me so much and I wanted to be there for all of them, to tell them that everything would be fine, and that they will overcome. I was responding to emails and encouraging others who had faced a similar situation, all the while asking myself, Who is pouring into me while I'm pouring into all these people?
This left me so empty and things just went downhill from there. I felt like a fraud.
I was telling others that they'd be fine while I was dying inside.
I was a mess. It was time to do something about it. I prayed one of the most emotional prayers of my life. I said, "Lord, please heal me. Do whatever it takes to heal these emotional scars."
I even wrote this prayer on a sticky note and stuck it on my bathroom mirror. About two weeks later, I found myself in a psychologist's office and she referred me to a psychiatric hospital, which now, looking back, was exactly what I needed.
Before being admitted, I had all kinds of ideas about this kind of hospital. I had negative expectations and even believed that I was too "normal" to be in such an environment. I drove myself there and cried the whole way. However, when I arrived, I was so surprised. The place was beautiful, clean, it had "normal-looking" people just like me, and it was peaceful. So what was the big fuss all about? I guess it all comes with not having enough knowledge about psychiatric hospitals and being admitted.
Being in that hospital made me feel like I was surrounded by people who knew exactly what I was experiencing. I could talk about my feelings and no one would judge me or suggest that I was exaggerating my pain. I met so many amazing people – young working professionals and older people (Black and white) who, just like me, had found themselves at a breaking point in their lives.
Here's what I learned:
You are Never Alone
No matter what you're going through, just know that there's another person who's gone through the same experience and has felt exactly what you're feeling. I know this doesn't make it better or even make the pain disappear, but it's good to know that there's someone out there who understands exactly how you're feeling and what you're going through.
Healing Comes in Waves
There's this quote I found on the Internet a while ago. It says: "Healing comes in waves, and maybe today the wave hits the rocks, and that's okay, that's okay, darling. You are still healing, you are still healing." For me, this means that all days are not the same. One day, you're in a good mood and you're happy, and the next day, you're feeling like your world is falling apart. And that it absolutely fine.
They say healing is a process, and this is very true. You should allow yourself to feel everything that comes, whether it's happiness, sadness, anger, or whatever. Feel it. Stay in the feeling. Don't run away from it. Don't try to distract yourself from it. Feel it and then let it pass.
Cry if you have to. Scream if you must. Do whatever it takes and feel what you need to feel.
Trust me, this is all part of the healing process. Healing is uncomfortable, that much I can tell you. But it is necessary.
Acknowledge and Accept What You Went Through
The first time I shared my incident with the psychologist at the hospital, she said something that I hadn't realized. "You went through something so terrible and the way you're telling your story is so casual. Why? You have detached yourself from the story," she said.
And she was right. After our session, I went to my room, got my journal, and started writing. My intention was to understand why I was showing absolutely no emotion about what I had gone through. And then it hit me: I still had not accepted it. It was as if the incident never happened and that's why it was so easy for me to talk about it like I was talking about drinking a glass of water – something that happens every day. This, it turned out, was my brain's way of dealing with what happened to me.
I started crying uncontrollably. I had to go back (in my mind) to the day when it all happened, watch the whole thing, acknowledge and accept that it did happen, and that it was not my fault. I think the fact that I accepted that it had happened somehow changed something in my brain. I don't know how to explain it, but all I can say is that from that day forward, things changed for the better.
Don’t Be Ashamed
I think a lot of people who go through traumatic experiences feel as if talking about it is embarrassing. However, that's not true.
The more you own your story and talk about it, the more powerful you become.
The incident doesn't and should never define you. Speaking about it also helps with your healing and it also makes you realize that you're not alone. y sharing your story you're also encouraging and empowering others to share their stories. Don't let shame silence you. Speak up, you never know who you might help in the process.
It Gets Better
I wish I had taken before and after pictures of me when I arrived at the psychiatric hospital and when I left the place two weeks later. Oh, the difference! I went in there feeling hopeless. I honestly no longer saw the point of living; life just felt like one big disaster that needed to end. However, this changed as I spent more time there. We had regular sessions with psychiatrists and psychologists and were taught so much about wellness. I felt empowered and I was hopeful again. And I'm not just saying this, I really mean it.
That place changed my life so much that I would recommend it to anyone who is going through a tough time right now. I'd say take a break from work or whatever you're busy with, and make healing a priority. We go through so many things in our lives and we never really take time to deal with things and heal because "life goes on".
Yes, life does go on, but that doesn't make the pain or scars go away. The only way to deal with pain is to face it. There are no shortcuts to healing, unfortunately. But in the end, you will be fine. It will get better. Trust me.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage