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Guess What Your Man Needs More Than Sexual Pleasure (In The Bedroom)?
Sometimes, I'll happen upon some data that, while it doesn't surprise me one bit, I'm grateful to share it because it helps to confirm something that I find myself saying a lot. Today, what I'm referring to is what I hear, nonstop, from husbands when I'm in a lot of my sessions. I'm pretty sure that you can tell from the title that this is in the lane of sex specifically. And y'all, if there are two things that at least 70 percent of the men I speak with say that they wish they got more of, it's — pretty sure you're not shocked by this first one — sex followed by what I don't want to give away in this intro.
You know, there are a billion articles out here that touch on things like sexual technique, toys and positions. Yet the reality is, if you really want to be considered a great lover, there is something that trumps all of this. According to men, anyway. I'll get into it now.
What Does a Man Desire More than an Orgasm?
Recently, I read an article about a study that said there is something in particular that 95 percent of men (who participated) said that they wanted more than even the pleasure that they experience from sex itself. Can you guess what it is? Drum roll, please. It's to feel sexually desired. For that to happen, they really wanted their partner to initiate sex more often.
Instantly, when I read that, I thought about another article that was published on Fatherly's site not too long ago. It's entitled, "Why Am I Always the One Initiating Sex?". It gets into some of the reasons why wives oftentimes don't take the lead in this area including men having higher testosterone levels (which can make them more "aggressive" on the sexual tip); women being conditioned to let a man make the first move; women (especially mothers) being too tired to initiate sex and, women sometimes having lower libidos, in part, because they feel exhausted (those are just some of the leading factors, by the way).
Most of y'all know that I work with married couples for a living, so yes — all of these reasons are quite viable. However, another reason that I think needs to go on record is, a lot of us don't make sexually affirming men a top priority. It's like we've got this wack mentality that, so long as we're giving him some, that should be all that he requires; when, the reality is, contrary to popular belief (or is it assumption?), men have feelings, men want to feel wanted, men don't always want to take the lead in the bedroom.
So, why don't a lot of us realize this? A point that the article I read made is, while there are plenty of studies on what women desire sexually, there hasn't always been much published data on men. Now that things are changing, we're getting to understand men more on a mental and emotional level in this lane. And according to the study, feeling desired by their partner was "very important" to 58 percent of them, "extremely important" to 20 percent and "paramount" to eight percent. Yes y'all, it's a really big deal.
To confirm what, again, I already believe to be true, I decided to ask some men who I personally know about their thoughts on all of this. If you're curious, I'll share with you what five of them said.
5 Men Tell Me How Being the “Main Initiator” for Sex Makes Them Feel
Alex. 26. Single. "I'm gonna speak freely and say that if I have to initiate all of the time, that makes me think that the woman has a sense of entitlement. Like I should be so grateful that she's willing to have sex with me that I should be willing to do all of the work. Plus, women like that tend to not do a lot in bed overall. They'll just lay there. It's a turn-off."
Zachary. 34. Married. "When my wife and I were dating, she initiated a lot. It was about two years into our marriage that it started to change. I think it's because, since we were long-distance [while dating], there was a lot of thrill and excitement. After marriage, you can easily take each other for granted. That about sums it up. When women refuse to initiate, we feel taken for granted."
Josh. 30. Single. "I thought y'all hated patriarchy? OK, so where does all of this 'it's a man's job to seduce' come in? Lawd, pick a team and stay there. Just like you want to feel like we can't wait to tear your clothes off, we want to feel the same way."
Victor. 41. Divorced. "There's never one reason why a couple calls it quits. A big part of what caused my marriage to end is my wife had the philosophy that we could have sex whenever I initiated it but if I didn't, she could easily go weeks or months without it."
"One time, I waited to see how long she could go without bringing sex up. Eight months. And even then, I had to ask her what the deal was. She just said that sex wasn't that much of a priority to her, which meant that intimacy with us wasn't, which meant that I wasn't. If you're never initiating, don't assume that your man is cool with it. I can guarantee that he's not."
Donovan. 37. Single. "How are we supposed to know how you feel about us if you never initiate? If you are fine not having sex unless we make the first move, that sends the message that either sex isn't a priority for you or that you've got someone else on the side. People initiate sex because they enjoy it. If you're in a relationship and you're not doing that, you're sending a message that you might not be aware of — but we're taking note of."
Whew. All of this loudly expresses that if you thought that not initiating wasn't all of that big of a deal, clearly it is. So, what if you're someone who knows that you're not the best at initiating sex and therefore, you're not as consistent as you could — and probably should — be about making your partner feel more desirable? What should you do?
5 Ways to Make Your Partner Feel More Desirable in the Bedroom
1. Tell Your Man What You Adore About Him. Sexually.
Question. When's the last time that you gave your man a compliment? I'm not talking about saying something just to butter him up (so that you can get something out of him) or offering an affirmation in response to something positive that he just said to you. I mean, hitting him up out of the blue, just to tell him how amazing that you think he is. OK, now when have you done that as it relates to him sexually? You know — telling him what you love about his body, what your favorite thing is about him sexually or what you enjoy the most when the two of you are intimate. Even when life gets a little hectic and the two of you aren't able to have sex right then and there, taking the initiative to verbally affirm your partner is a very powerful way to make him feel desired. It also lets him know that sex is on your mind which, oftentimes, for men, is more than enough (for a while, anyway).
2. Plan Some Sex Dates
When you get a chance, check out "When's The Last Time You And Your Man Had A 'Sex Date'?" and "Tonight's The Night For A Really Romantic Sexual Experience". After you do, did you know that it's been cited that 45 percent of couples don't go on dates on a consistent basis? So, you already know that a sex date is like a rainbow unicorn for a lot of these folks. Listen, I can't think of one man who wouldn't be absolutely thrilled — and maybe even a little bit shocked — by a partner planning a date that has strictly sex on the menu. It definitely lets them know that you want some alone time with them, not to have dinner and watch a movie either. It's to have sex. And then some more sex. Sex dates are a male fan favorite. Yes, I have polled.
3. Sext More Often
If your man, out of the blue, shot you a text that said, "Damn. You're so good in bed" or "I can't ever get enough of you", how would it make you feel? Exactly.
Sexting is definitely a form of foreplay; however, it goes a bit deeper than that. It helps to boost your partner's self-esteem. It makes him feel sexually appreciated. It lets him know that you've got him on your mind, on a sexual level, even when you're apart.
How can someone not feel desired after a few sexts have been exchanged?
4. Give Him a “Sex” Gift
Another way to make your partner feel like he is sexually wanted is to by him a sex-themed gift. Some lingerie (for you) that's in his favorite color. Some massage oil that comes with a sexy lil' note. A hotel reservation. A sex-themed board game. A sex toy. A sex pillow. You get the idea. Put it on his pillow. On the desk in his (home) office. Even better, mail it. All of us feel special when we receive a present. It goes up a notch when the present has a sex-theme attached to it.
5. When’s the Last Time You Had a Quickie?
The five men who I spoke with in this piece? Something else I asked them was how they felt about quickies. It was interesting because, while you might assume that they all were down, 4 out of 5 said that they definitely prefer longer sessions. However, when it comes to feeling more desired by their partner, what they did like about them is it sent the message of "Even if I can only have you for a moment, I'll take it. That's how much I lust you right now." Listen, I'm all about quickie sessions from time to time because it can still connect you with your partner and create a release that will help to relax you. So, whether it's as soon as you get home tonight or first thing in the morning tomorrow, initiate one of those. Your man will feel wanted, you will feel less stressed and the combo can help to make things seem so much better in the world. For real, doe.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
How This New Bond Repair Line Transformed One Mother's Postpartum Shedding Into The Ultimate Curl Comeback
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
For Crystal Obasanya, her wash day woes came shortly after her son did. The beauty and lifestyle content creator had been natural for years, but during postpartum, she quickly learned about one reality many mothers can relate to experiencing: postpartum hair loss. “Sis had thinning hair. Sis had split ends,” she shared about her hair changes in a Reel via xoNecole.
Over a year into her postpartum journey, Crystal explained she also had dry, brittle hair, noting that keeping it hydrated before pregnancy had already been “a task.” The 4C natural recalled going from thick hair during pregnancy to a thin hairline due to postpartum shedding as “devastating.” When it came to strengthening and revitalizing her hair, the new SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection was just the thing she needed to elevate her damaged coils to revive and thrive status and get them poppin' again.
SheaMoisture is providing us with the cheat code for transforming dry and damaged strands into thriving and deeply nourished crowns. By unveiling their 4-step hair system, the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is equipping you with the tools to reverse signs of hair damage caused by protective styling, heat, and color and is uniquely formulated for Type 3 and 4 hair textures.
The haircare system revives damaged natural hair by repairing and rebuilding broken hair bonds through a game-changing combination of HydroPlex Technology and AminoBlend Complex, a unique blend of fortifying amino acids formulated specifically for curly and coily hair. Scientifically proven to reduce breakage by 84% and make your hair six times stronger (vs. non-conditioning shampoo), the collection infuses your hair with the nourishment it craves and the strength it deserves.
All five products of the SheaMoisture Bond Collection are infused with natural strengthening ingredients like Amla Oil and fair-trade shea butter. The collection consists of the 4-step breakage-fighting Bond Repair system, as well as the Bonding Oil.
“When trying it out, I quickly noticed that my hair felt revived and renewed, and my curls were so hydrated,” Crystal said while using the Amla-infused Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner. “I also felt my hair strands were stronger.” So much so that the influencer felt brave enough to get her hair braided shortly thereafter. “I can definitely say that I will be keeping it in my hair wash routine,” she added in the caption of her Reel about her positive experience using the products.
SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is making bond-building a key player in your wash day routines and the purveyor of life for thirsty manes. Because who doesn't want stronger, shinier, happier hair?
Step One: Bond Repair Collection Shampoo
Rejuvenate your hair with SheaMoisture Bond Repair Shampoo, your go-to solution for luscious locks. Packed with hella hydration power, this shampoo adds moisture by 60% while removing buildup without stripping your strands. This shampoo gently cleanses impurities while significantly enhancing shine, smoothness, and softness.
The Bond Repair Collection Shampoo is the first step in the 4-step Bond Repair system, all of which are powered by the uniquely formulated AminoBlend, and HydroPlex, SheaMoisture’s technology that rebuilds hair strength at its core.
Step Two: Bond Repair Collection Conditioner
Tailored to repair styling damage, this creamy conditioner locks in 12x more moisture than standard non-conditioning shampoos, boosting damaged hair strength by 1.5x with significantly less breakage. The creamy SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Conditioner deeply hydrates, enhances manageability, and leaves your hair looking healthier and shinier.
Step Three: Bond Repair Collection Masque
This Ultra Moisturizing reparative masque is a moisture-rich game-changer for those dealing with the aftermath of hair damage caused by styling. The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Masque delivers 13 times more moisture compared to non-conditioning shampoos, ensuring your hair feels nourished and soft. Designed to repair and rejuvenate, this masque significantly strengthens damaged hair — making it twice as strong while reducing breakage.
Step Four: Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner
Elevate your curl game with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner. Lightweight and hydrating, the Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner provides 12x more moisture than non-conditioning shampoos and tames frizz with 24-hour humidity control. Designed to define curls and coils, the leave-in conditioner enhances softness and shine allowing you to detangle effortlessly.
Bonding Oil
The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Bonding Oil is a multitasking all-in-one formula that acts as a heat protectant and provides the hair with moisture, strength, shine, damage protection, and intense nourishment. This lightweight oil not only offers 24-hour frizz and humidity control but also fortifies your tresses, making them up to 5 times stronger with significantly less breakage.
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10 New Moms Share What They Wish They Knew About Sex Post-Delivery
Back when I was the teen mom director for the local chapter of a national non-profit organization, I decided to become a doula. One reason was that I couldn’t stand how disrespectfully dismissive a lot of doctors were towards pregnant teenagers (how you gonna pre-schedule C-sections in girls who are in their first trimester?). My second reason was to do some healing from my own past pregnancy choices (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”). Over time, another reason was that when a woman has a child, she needs support for more than just birthing her baby.
Take her sex life, for example. Although some women have a pretty thriving sex life throughout their pregnancy and, after their six-month check-up, they resume having sex relatively smoothly then as well, for other women, their experience is quite different. And because sex, post-delivery, still (amazingly) remains a taboo topic on a lot of levels, other (new) moms suffer in silence because they feel like they are alone.
That, right there, is why I decided to sit down with some mothers to have them share what they wish someone had given them the heads up on when it comes to sex after having a child. If you are a mom who’s having some challenges in the bedroom, hopefully, this will assure you that others get exactly where you are coming from. If you’re not a mom (yet), my goal is that you can get an idea of some things that could possibly happen — so that you can surround yourself with the support that you need (i.e., a girlfriend, some other new moms, even a counselor, if necessary). That way, you can do what needs to be done to get your sex life back (or right) to where you want it to be…in time.
*Middle names are used in this type of content so that people can speak freely*
1. Bevelynn. 28. Mom of a Six-Month-Old Daughter. First Child.
“The weirdest thing for me is there are certain positions that can always make me cum that were super uncomfortable throughout most of my pregnancy. So, it felt like I was having sex for my partner instead of with him. Then, after having the baby, my man was so used to hurrying through sex because that’s how I was while pregnant that he felt self-conscious that I was trying to ‘coach him’ through foreplay like he wasn’t a good lover.
"You know how they say that sex, after abstinence, is like riding a bicycle? The hell you say! There was a lot to relearn that it was almost like having sex for the first time again. Pretty much a year of sex being one way and then adjusting to something else will do that to you. We’re still figuring it out.”
2. Embree. 34. Mom to a 11-Month-Old Son. Third Child.
“I never had postpartum depression, thank God. I did go through a long sex lull. I love my babies, Lord knows that I do, but you don’t really get just how much sex creates them until you have them, if that makes sense. Being a mom is fulfilling and draining — any woman who says otherwise isn’t taking her role as seriously as she should. And when you sit and realize that kids can’t exist without sex, you have moments when you’ll avoid having it at all costs because you don’t want to risk what comes from it — another baby. And that’s just the truth.”
3. Gail. 37. Mom to a Four-Month-Old. Third Child.
“Please don’t give your husband a hard time about getting used to your new body and hormonal changes during sex. It might be popular to act like men shouldn’t have a say in giving birth or what comes with it, but science says otherwise, and while they’re supporting you through your changes, they might end up going months without intimacy — no man wants that. The more talks [that] you have about sexual needs and expectations before getting pregnant, the better. Remember that he is a part of all of this, too.”
4. Quincee. 32. Mom to a One-Year-Old Daughter. First Child.
“I was told that I should get a doula before having my daughter, and I should’ve listened because it makes no sense to push out a baby on your back. My friends who had doula assistance learned positions that were way more helpful. Since I didn’t and my daughter, although I love her dearly, has a really big head, I tore pretty badly. The healing process was borderline hell but, more than anything, I had some PTSD about allowing any — and I do mean anything — from going into my vagina.
"I don’t care if it was a penis, a sex toy, or even a tampon, I was traumatized. Get those perineal massages before giving birth, squat during labor, and get a man who loves oral sex, both ways, so that you both can get through the adjusting. That’s the best advice that I can give on it.”
5. Francis. 30. Mom to a Seven-Month-Old. Second Child.
“You might need to see a sex therapist after having children. It might sound crazy, but no one talks about how having a baby changes everything about you — every single thing. My husband has always been able to please me, and he’s not small in the least, but after having our first child, my vagina never felt the same. That kept me from feeling the same pleasure, which made me want to have sex less and even resent him for not being able to please me like he used to.
"We tried to figure it out on our own, but that started to affect his self-esteem, and then we weren’t having much sex. My girlfriends had some of the worst advice, so I spoke with a marriage counselor who referred me to a sex therapist who helped me to understand the transitions of motherhood, sexually. It’s one of the best things that happened to our relationship. My best advice is nothing is fully ever the same after a baby — sex, for me, was on top of that list.”
6. Erda. 25. Mom to a Three-Month-Old Son. First Child.
“Being a mom is hard as sh-t — do you hear me? I am terrified of getting pregnant. I don’t mean any time soon; I’m contemplating being done forever because my pregnancy was difficult, and my son thinks that we all should be up all day and all night long. People keep telling me that this will pass, but until it does, whenever I see my husband’s penis, it’s like ‘enemy #1’ in my eyes. We can do some oral action; I’ve always been about that. But if he wants to put that thing in me, I always want him to put on three condoms — I’m NOT playing.”
Shellie here: As a doula, I’ll be checking back on her in six more months or so. Something tells me that this will have a bit more balance in the narrative. Those first few months can be a mutha, indeed.
7. Laurelle. 39. Mom to a One-Year-Old. Fourth Child.
“Even after having four kids, I never got used to my breasts being available to everyone. Mine, then my husband and mine, and then, for a season, my kids — and then sometimes everyone’s. Our two first children were less than two years apart, so I swear that my husband didn’t get to touch my breasts for like three years straight…and he’s a breast man! I don’t think anyone can fully prepare you for how to be a momand a sexual being at the same time. It’s one of the hardest things about motherhood to date.”
8. Iris. 30. Mom to a One-Year-Old. Second Child.
“Your erogenous zones might change. Mine did. I used to not be a breast person, but I started having orgasms while breastfeeding, which kind of creeped me out but then it made me want my breast played with more than ever during sex with my man. The other thing is my thighs got pulled on a lot during labor, and so, I’m kind of jumpy when my fiancé reaches out for them now — and he’s a thigh man. Having a child isn’t just a miracle because of the baby. Being able to figure out a new normal in the bedroom is a miracle, too, sis.”
Shellie here: If you can relate to what Iris just said about climaxing while breastfeeding, there is no reason to feel embarrassed or guilty.Breastfeeding tends to produce some of the same hormones that come from sexual stimulation — for instance, remember that oxytocin is a bonding chemical.It’s for this same reason that you might produce extra milk when you orgasm after having sex with your partner. It’s natural. It also tends not to last forever. It will usually pass.
9. Hope. 32. Mom to a Four-Month-Old. Second Child.
“The talk about the whole ‘Madonna-Whore’ thing that men may go through — you know, how once you become their wife or mother of their child, they have a hard time seeing you as a sexual being. Some of us go through that, too. I don’t have hang-ups about sex. I’m just not as nasty as I used to be. My body is used for so many different things now, and the fluids get all mixed in together — I dunno. Sometimes, when I’m about to show my porn side, I’m like, ‘Hold up — is this appropriate? I’m a mother now. It’s so complex, honey.”
10. Tateyana. 27. Mom to a Nine-Month-Old. First Child.
“I was told to get a co-sleeper and keep our baby out of our bed. I didn’t listen. I wish I had because now our bedroom is more like a nursery/daycare and it’s harder than ever to keep our son out of our bed — emotionally. My husband is patient; sometimes, he’s the one who wants our son to stay in the bed but we know that sex is an important part of marriage and we certainly didn’t sign up to be co-parents who are roommates. When they say that the bedroom is for sex and sleep only, the sleep part really shouldn’t be your children. They’ve got a room. They’ll be fine in there. We’re trying to wean him off now, so I’m preaching to the choir here. Sex after babies…it’s just so much.”
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Sex after babies…it’s just so much. As you can see, sex, post-delivery can be layered, complex, and sometimes challenging. Still, if you have a partner who is understanding, if you’re patient with yourself throughout your transitions, and if you get that healthy intimacy has a mental, emotional, and spiritual component that can get you through all of the physical “growing pains” that you may be experiencing — sex after having a child can become richer, closer and even better with time.
After all, a new normal? Sometimes, it exceeds what you’ve been accustomed to.
And isn’t that something to look forward to when it comes to post-delivery intimacy? Definitely.
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