Vaginas should be spoiled — full stop. Sexual pleasure comes from them. Babies come out of them. And shoot, those two reasons alone are enough to totally prove my point. And since this is the time of the year when we tend to do a ton of intentionality into gift-giving, I thought that it would be a great opportunity to add on to an article that I wrote (wow!) almost five years ago: “Here's What Your Vagina Wants For Christmas (No, Really).”
Because really, as you’re going down the list of all of the people who you want to get something for, are you even on it? If not, you definitely should be because I agree with a survey that I once read that said that many people are big on “self-gifting” because 1) it’s important to them, 2) they see it as a reward, and 3) it’s a great way to lift their spirits.
That said, when you factor your vagina into all of this, another article that I penned for the platform a while back is “Vaginas Are Like Plants. Here's What I Mean By That.” In it, one of the things that I mentioned is when you actually speak positively to and about your “treasure box,” it can help to boost your self-confidence. That being the case, I’m just providing one more way that you can elevate your self-esteem (including your sexual self-esteem) as you remind yourself that since every inch of you is special, every part should certainly be celebrated.
That said, let’s get into 10 things that your vagina and vulva would be so happy to receive this holiday season.
1. A Vagina-Themed Food Basket
If I were to offer you $25 on the spot to list 10 foods that are proven to be beneficial to your vagina’s overall health and well-being, could you do it? If you’re an avid supporter of the site, you should be able to because, over the years, I’ve written pieces like “The Foods Your Vagina's Been Craving,” “Put Your Vagina On A 'Summer Diet' This Year,” “10 Fall Foods That Are Really Good For Your Vaginal Health” and “This Is How To Eat Your Way To A Wetter (Yes, Wetter) Vagina.”
The reason why it’s important to know things like this is because studies show that consuming a ton of processed foods not only has the ability to suppress your immunity, but it can also make you more susceptible to vaginal infections and even vaginal dryness.
So, why not put some of the foods that are mentioned in those articles into a basket, wrap them in cellophane, put a big bright bow on top, and place it on your kitchen table in time for Christmas? Your vagina will dig it — the rest of your system will too.
2. Bikini Line Moisturizer
The reality is the skin that’s around your bikini area is more sensitive than you probably think it is. And so, if you shave there often and you want to reduce your chances of getting razor bumps, moisturize. Adding to that, since removing hair down below removes a top layer of skin as well, in order to avoid ending up with dry (and irritated) skin, moisturize.
Wanna keep your skin looking great after removing hair? Yep, you guessed it — moisturize. Although there’s a particular carrier oil that can get the job done that I will discuss here in a moment, there are also moisturizers that were created specifically for your bikini line region. A list of some popular ones is located here and here.
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3. Hybrid Lubricant
Whether your hormones are shifting these days, and that’s got you a bit drier in and around your va-jay-jay than you would like, or you simply want to be wetter because, during sex, that way truly is better, you can never go wrong with a tube of hybrid lubricant. If you’re wondering what that is, it’s a blend of silicone and water-based lubricant that’s especially awesome if you’re someone who likes to participate in anal sex, you enjoy using sex toys a lot and/or shower sex (check out “So, This Is How To Make Shower Sex So Much Better”) is totally your thing. Why? Well, when you use hybrid lubricant, it tends to last longer than a water-only lube does.
Also, since it has the “slip” of the silicone, you can experience less friction during intercourse which ultimately makes for a more pleasurable experience all around. At the end of the day, what it all boils down to is a hybrid lubricant is able to give you the best of both worlds. For the record, a hybrid lube that has a great reputation for not being sticky, not staining, and working really well with both condoms and sex toys is Sliquid Silk. At under $25 for around an eight-ounce bottle, that makes it even more of a win.
4. Jojoba Oil
As far as skincare goes, it is my personal opinion that everyone should have some jojoba oil in their possession. It’s loaded with vitamin E which nurtures your skin. It deeply penetrates dry skin. It helps to soothe skin issues like eczema and psoriasis. It also helps to fight acne and reduce signs of aging.
And why will your vagina enjoy it so? Well, another thing that jojoba oil contains is antioxidants as well as antimicrobial and antifungal properties — some of which have been proven to kill candida (which can lead to a yeast infection). So, if you’d like an affordable oil that is great foryour vulva region, without question, jojoba oil is that one.
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5. Seasonal Vajacials
If you’ve never heard of a vajacial before, it’s basically a “facial” for your vagina — well, actually, your vulva. As far as if you actually “need” them or not, the reviews are mixed. Personally, I’m all about them if you’re someone who does pubic hair removal on a consistent basis because they can help to soothe your vulva after getting waxed, can help to prevent ingrown hairs, and they can also exfoliate any dead skin cells that could lead to build-up or irritation.
To me, the key is to make sure that a licensed esthetician does them for you and that they focus on your vulva (the outer part of your vagina) only. If you keep that in mind and get one around four times a year, I can attest to the fact that your vulvar skin will be all the better for it.
6. Pelvic Floor Massager
Whether you’ve recently had a baby (vaginally) and you’re looking to speed up the healing process, you’ve been experiencing some pain or discomfort during sex and you’d like some relief, or you’re dealing with a bit of incontinence, a pelvic floor massager (some call it a pelvic floor wand) could be the solution to your problems. That’s because it’s specifically designed to gently apply pressure to your pelvic floor in a way that increases blood circulation, soothes trigger points, and strengthens weaker tissues in your pelvic floor area.
For the record, although these can be pretty effective, it is important to speak with your doctor or, even better, a pelvic floor therapist — just so they can confirm if you actually need to use the massager and, if so, for how long. Some options for reputable pelvic floor massagers are located right here.
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7. Tanga Panties
If it’s time to get some new drawers (and if it’s been longer than six months, the answer would be “yes”), get your vagina some tanga panties. If you’re not exactly sure what those are, they’re underwear that’s a blend of half thong and half Brazilian briefs. What I personally like about them is they provide the sexiness of a thong while having the comfort (and coverage) of a pair of briefs. And since that is the case (and you don’t have fabric that is all bunched up in that space), your vagina is able to breathe better than it probably would in a thong — and that means less (potential) yeast infections. Yay!
8. Vaginal Gummies
You probably already know that taking a probiotic is a great way to care for your vagina from the inside out. Okay, but what about the gummies craze that seems to be going on as far as health-related supplements go? Are they good for your vagina too? Well, what a lot of health experts will say is although your system may not exactly “need” them, many of the gummies do contain a particular strain of probiotic that can help to keep your vagina in good condition as far as its flora and reducing your chances of getting bacterial vaginosis go.
Plus, gummies tend to taste pretty good, which is always a bonus. If you’d like to read up on a variety of vaginal gummies options, Amazon has quite a few to choose from here.
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9. Rose Water
Whether you decide to purchase some rose water or make it yourself (recipe here), please give it a shot. All of the antioxidants in rose water can help to soothe skin irritation, its antiseptic and analgesic properties will help to treat minor skin infections and, when used on at least a semi-consistent basis, rose water can help to slow down the aging process of your skin as well.
And here’s the thing — since vulvar skin can age just like the rest of your body (check out “Vaginas Age Just Like Everything Else. You Can Slow It Down, Though.” and “Keep Your Vagina Like A (Literal) Fountain Of Youth”), soaking in some rose water while taking a bath can certainly do wonders for your vulva and vagina.
Also, rose water (in its purest form, which is roses and water only) can help to balance your vulva skin’s pH levels, deeply hydrate that area of your body, and also bring relief to minor razor burns. And just where can you find some pure rose water? NatureVibe Botanicals Rose Water is a fan favorite for many. You can purchase a bottle of it here.
10. A Book That Celebrates the Diversity of Vulvas
As we prepare to (pun intended) wrap this Christmas shopping list up, at some point, please make the time to read “Did You Know That There Are 10 Different Kinds Of Vaginas? Yep.” Although all of our vaginas basically do the same thing, our vulvas (the outer part of our vaginas) don’t all look just alike — and that’s a good thing. Unfortunately, there is solid evidence out here that says that a part of the reason why labiaplasties are on the rise is that women are viewing porn and wanting their vulvas to look like the people they see on the screen. SMDH.
And that’s why I think it’s cool that there are books out here like A Celebration of Vulva Diversity – A Book by The Vulva Gallery. It’s a visual reminder that our individuality is one of our greatest superpowers…even when it comes to our vulvas. So, get yourself a copy and smile while flipping through it. However your vulva looks, it’s that way by design. Happy Shopping-for-Your-Vagina-Especially-So season, sis!
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Kayla Nicole says she wore a dress that was once worn by Braxton herself for the Halloween costume. “It’s not a secret Toni is more on the petite side. I’m obsessed with all 5’2” of her,” she tells xoNecole via email. “But I’m 5’10'' and not missing any meals, honey, so to my surprise, when I got the dress and it actually fit, I knew it was destiny.”
The episode was the perfect way for the multihyphenate to take control of her own narrative. By addressing the viral moment on her own platform, she was able to stir the conversation and keep the focus on her adoration for Braxton, an artist she says she grew up listening to and who still makes her most-played playlist every year. Elsewhere, she likely would’ve received questions about whether or not the costume was a subliminal aimed at her ex-boyfriend and his pop star fiancée. “I think that people will try to project their own narratives, right?” she said, hinting at this in the episode. “But, for me personally – I think it’s very important to say this in this moment – I’m not in the business of tearing other women down. I’m in the business of celebrating them.”
Kayla Nicole is among xoNecole’s It Girl 100 Class of 2025, powered by SheaMoisture, recognized in the Viral Voices category for her work in media and the trends she sets on our timelines, all while prioritizing her own mental and physical health. As she puts it: “Yes, I’m curating conversations on my podcast The Pre-Game, and cultivating community with my wellness brand Tribe Therepē.”
Despite being the frequent topic of conversation online, Kayla Nicole says she’s learning to take advantage of her growing social media platform without becoming consumed by it. “I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out,” she says.
On The Pre-Game, which launched earlier this year, she has positioned herself as listeners “homegirl.” “There’s definitely a delicate dance between being genuine and oversharing, and I’ve had to learn that the hard way. Now I share from a place of reflection, not reaction,” she says. “If it can help someone feel seen or less alone, I’ll talk about it within reason. But I’ve certainly learned to protect parts of my life that I cherish most. I share what serves connection but doesn’t cost me peace.
"I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out."
Credit: Malcolm Roberson
Throughout each episode, she sips a cocktail and addresses trending topics (even when they involve herself). It’s a platform the Pepperdine University alumnus has been preparing to have since she graduated with a degree in broadcast journalism, with a concentration in political science.
“I just knew I was going to end up on a local news network at the head anchor table, breaking high speed chases, and tossing it to the weather girl,” she says. Instead, she ended up working as an assistant at TMZ before covering sports as a freelance reporter. (She’s said she didn’t work for ESPN, despite previous reports saying otherwise.) The Pre-Game combines her love for pop culture and sports in a way that once felt inaccessible to her in traditional media.
She’s not just a podcaster, though. When she’s not behind the mic, taking acting classes or making her New York Fashion Week debut, Kayla Nicole is also busy elevating her wellness brand Tribe Therepē, where she shares her workouts and the workout equipment that helps her look chic while staying fit. She says the brand will add apparel to its line up in early 2026.
“Tribe Therepē has evolved into exactly what I have always envisioned. A community of women who care about being fit not just for the aesthetic, but for their mental and emotional well-being too. It’s grounded. It’s feminine. It’s strong,” she says. “And honestly, it's a reflection of where I am in my life right now. I feel so damn good - mentally, emotionally, and physically. And I am grateful to be in a space where I can pour that love and light back into the community that continues to pour into me.”
Tap into the full It Girl 100 Class of 2025 and meet all the women changing game this year and beyond. See the full list here.
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I was inspired to write this because, recently, while reading about eight types of narcissists and what their traits consist of, I revisited what a vulnerable narcissist is all about. Then, as I connected some dots via another piece that I read about how it shows up in female friendships — well, because this is a platform for Black women, I definitely wanted to put y’all on notice. Because when it comes to toxic friendships (which really is a bit of an oxymoron, isn’t it?), there is probably nothing worse than having a narcissist friend — someone who displays traits like being highly self-centered, pretty apathetic, and constantly gaslighting those around them.
Okay, so what’s the difference between a “regular” narcissist and a vulnerable one? Yeah, let’s get into that now because I’ve got a feeling that some light bulbs are going to go on for a few of you…as it relates to at least one of your current…“friendships.”
So Basically, a Vulnerable Narcissist Is the Same Thing As a Covert One
GiphyIf you check out the article, “Science Says That Happy Couples Do The Following 7 Things” on this platform, one thing that you will notice that I said is, since I’ve been a marriage life coach, I’ve not really been big on using the word “vulnerable” when it comes to serious relationships. Charge it to being a writer who takes words pretty literally (dictionary-defined ones, not what social media makes up from year to year) yet I’ve never understood why we should encourage people to be vulnerable with someone who they deeply trust.
I say that because I know that vulnerable means things like “capable of or susceptible to being attacked, damaged, or hurt” and “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.” And although I get that no one is perfect, if you feel like dealing with those closest to you requires taking this level of an emotional risk, on a fairly consistent basis? In my opinion, that is a dark orange flag, if not a flat-out red one.
I’ve said before that my preferred word is “dependent” because it means “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.” — and healthy relationships? They absolutely should be INTERDEPENDENT. Yeah, whether it’s romantic, familial or a friendship — why are you out here feeling like sharing yourself makes you open to attack and harm when you should be involved with individuals who can be relied on for support? See the difference? And that is why a vulnerable narcissist makes sense to me — since a narcissist is unsafe, by the very definitions of vulnerable, a vulnerable one would be too. Even more so, in fact.
Here's the clincher, though. Even if you’ve never heard of a vulnerable narcissist before, I’m willing to bet that some of you have heard of a covert narcissist, which is basically the same thing. The fascinating thing about a covert narcissist is they are more subtle than some of the other types — which is exactly how they are able to trip folks up. Because although they need lots of attention and they tend to act really self-important (like all narcissists do), a covert narcissist moves in some pretty sneaky ways.
For instance, they might go really heavy on what seems like compliments (more on that in a sec) in order to make you think that they admire you when, really, they just want to get your guard down in order to get whatever they want out of you. Another example of a covert narcissist is they might act like they are proud of something you accomplished; however, they are actually sticking close by to get some of your contacts or to work themselves into the successful world that you created, so that they can actually compete with you. One more example of a covert narcissist is if they don’t get their way, they may ghost you for days, weeks or months at a time and then be all passive aggressive about it whenever they resurface.
And why are they like this? Because vulnerable/covert narcissists get off on gaslighting — they want you to feel like you are crazy for thinking what is, 8.5/10, spot-on about them. That way, you can be the villain and they can play the victim — even though it’s probably the exact opposite that is actually going on. They do this because, ultimately, to boost their ego. For a narcissist, pretty much of any kind, game-playing is what fuels them and makes them bigger in their minds than they actually are (or even deserve to be).
10 Dead-Ringer Signs of a Vulnerable Narcissist
GiphyOkay, so even with all of what I just said, what if you’re like, “Shellie, I think I get it, but I need a few more examples of what you’re saying”? I hear you and I’ve got you. Some other ways that vulnerable narcissists like to show up and out?
- They are hypercritical and condescending
- They act like they are allergic to accountability
- Their expectations are unreasonable (and hypocritical)
- They are walking contradictions
- They want to be the center of attention (and while monopolize things
- They are masters at giving others the silent treatment
- Their expectations are unrealistic and their demands are ridiculous
- They deflect instead of apologize
- They flatter (use fluffy and insincere words) yet don’t affirm or compliment (yes, there is a difference)
- They lack empathy or humility
And why — or even how — would you be a friend with someone like this? Well, the other thing that you have to keep in mind about narcissism is they are excellent at using charm to their advantage. Charming people tend to come off as being charismatic and witty. Charming people seem to be really interested in you (at least initially). Charming people have a way of making you feel very comfortable around them. At first, charming people seem genuine, attentive and respectful. And they definitely make a good impression — sometimes one that is so solid that you keep going back to that memory during the “bad times” with them.
Hmph. The thing that you have to always keep in mind when it comes to charm, though, is what Scripture says about it: “Charm is deceitful…” (Pr. 31:30) — and that is just what a narcissist is: deceptive.
And when it comes to a vulnerable narcissist and her friendships with other women? The deceptive runs deep.
How a Vulnerable Narcissist Shows Up Especially in Female Friendships
GiphyAlways remember that a vulnerable narcissist moves in subtle and sneaky ways. Hmph, that alone should make you want to ponder if you have some female friends who would fit the bill of being a vulnerable narcissist because we do have a way of being clever and ingenious…which are two of the things that come with being a subtle type of individual. And the way that subtle narcissists use their clever and ingenious ways to their advantage? I’ll give you an example.
A former friend of mine who was — and from what I hear, still is — an absolute vulnerable narcissist really wanted me to be her fan rather than her friend. One time, she even invited me to a bachelorette party and said, “You’re the only one here who isn’t a bridesmaid. You should feel honored.” Nah, what you really said is that you don’t truly value what I bring into your life enough to be a bridesmaid but you know I am good for bringing one hell of a gift and cheering you on regardless.
And that’s how a lot of our friendship was — doing way more giving than I was receiving, doing way more listening than leaning and when I would call her out on some of these things, she would either freeze me out or play the victim and act like somehow it was my fault that she wasn’t being a better friend.
Yeah, that’s what you’ve gotta watch about vulnerable narcissists — it is going to be oh so very rare that they will take full accountability for where they have dropped the ball. To them, somehow, it — whatever “it” is — is either going to be your fault or someone else’s. And that’s why, in their eyes, if you were a “real friend” to them, you would coddle them through not meeting your needs instead of expecting them to actually change their ways so that you both could benefit from the relationship.
And why don’t your needs matter? Because, to a vulnerable narcissist, they believe that they are worthy of extra special treatment at all times — think of them like being a bridezilla 24 hours a day. LOL.
And although some of what I said can be nuanced, for the most part, that really is how a vulnerable narcissist tends to make themselves seen and heard in female friendships: treat them like queens and expect to be mere subjects in their court or…why are you around at all, chile?
5 Hacks for Handling a Vulnerable Narcissist
GiphyFeeling triggered? Or better yet, are you feeling like you finally can “scratch the itch” of what you’ve been looking for to describe a certain person (or certain people) in your life goes? If that is the case and although you see some flags, there tends to be at least a little bit of good enough in your dynamic with “your” vulnerable narcissist to not totally break things off (yet), how do you keep a vulnerable narcissist from causing (anymore) harm?
1. Set firm boundaries. The former friend who I just spoke of? It took years to fully and finally unravel out of all of that (pretty much because she took her elitism to “no turning back” levels a few years ago). A part of the reason why is because she’s not the devil; she really isn’t — she’s just a narcissist. So, what I did to make things more bearable for myself for a while was set some emotional boundaries.
Sometimes I had to tell her “no” and provide no explanation behind it (narcissists think that they are owed every damn thing, chile). I refused to be at her beck and call all of the time. When I felt like she was stressing me out, I would take a bit of time off from phone calls or hanging out. Listen, you will never survive a narcissist, of any kind, unless you have some firm and consistent ARTICULATED boundaries set. If you don’t heed any other point, please heed this one.
2. Have consequences in place for when they are broken. There is no point in setting a boundary if there aren’t going to be consequences for when they are broken. So, for instance, if you tell a vulnerable narcissist that you don’t appreciate them not taking accountability for telling your business to a mutual friend (because they are also extremely entitled individuals), you should probably keep your mouth shut around them for a while. Narcissists care more about their present interests than your holistic comfort which is why they tend to do stuff like that (sometimes).
3. Look at patterns over promises. Narcissists are a lot like energy vampires — and something that both of those need is a source of supply to leech off of whether it’s attention, emotional investing, resources…whatever will benefit them and what they are wanting at the time. And that is why they have no problem telling you that they will do something for you…even if they don’t end up following through. They do this because they want you to put enough confidence in them to be willing to go out of your way on their behalf — at least until they get what they need in the moment. Be careful of that. In genuine friendships, you should be able to rely on others just as much as they should be able to rely on you.
4. Choose to not see them as your “safe place.” Remember, narcissists are charming. They can also be witty, fun and totally entertaining to be around. A word that I wouldn’t use for them, though, is “safe.” The former friend who I mentioned? Although she was good at keeping information confidential (which is a safe trait), she couldn’t be relied on when I was hurting because, somehow, she was going to find a way to turn the focus on her (that is unsafe). I mean, rarely could I tell her something and she wasn’t going to turn it into a story about herself. Yeah, narcissists are always on some sort of makeshift stage, chile. And that can be exhausting.
5. Make sure you know what your “breaking point” is. I tell clients often: Be okay with being someone’s consequence sometimes because there may be a chance that they won’t learn any other way. Do I miss that former friend of mine? Eh, by the time that I was done, I was DONE done. However, we had a lot of years between us and so there are memories that get to me on random occasions. And although I don’t hate her and can see her and genuinely care about how she’s doing, we have nowhere to go in the future. She’s always going to want me to do most of the work — and I am no longer interested in doing so. Breaking points are good. They let us know when a chapter in a relationship has…completed itself.
____
An author by the name of Nassim Nicholas Taleb once said, “Love without sacrifice is theft” (that kind of makes me think of the late author Eric Jerome Dickey’s quote, “Sex without love is violence”). At the end of the day, that saying is a good way to “gut check” your relationship with a vulnerable narcissist. Ask yourself if you are basically the only one doing any sacrificing. And if that is indeed the case, is it worth it?
Remember, a vulnerable narcissist thinks that they deserve to be treated better than everyone else — including you. If you want to keep that type of person as a friend, just know what you are getting yourself into. Because since they are probably never going to change, you will be the one who has to.
One way or another, sis. One way or a freakin’ other.
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