

My goddaughters’ mom thinks it’s comedy that I look for two different presents whenever my birthday rolls around. I mean, even though both of my “babies” and I are Geminis, it’s not like I give the 10-year-old and two-year-old the same present, so why should I get a collective one from them? Not to mention the fact that they really get off easily because I don’t observe holidays. Shoot, I better get my gifts (LOL)! And since I am single, I make sure that on my birthday, I gift myself as well. I mean, I love me — why shouldn’t I celebrate and treat myself?
Along these same lines, if you are someone who totally adores this time of year, while you’re out getting things for others, why wouldn’t you get a couple of goodies for you too? I totally think that you should, which is why I’ve got a list of 10 different ways for you to treat yourself this Christmas. Most are super affordable. All have their own special significance. And each will help you to feel good about the holiday season — even if there is no reason to use any mistletoe…quite yet.
1. A New Color
When you get a chance, check out an article that I wrote for the site a couple of years ago entitled, “Understanding Color Psychology Will Sharpen Your Lens On Life.” It can give you a bit of an intro, not just into what certain colors represent but why you might gravitate to the ones that you do, along with why that attraction might change from time to time. You know, something that I recommend some of the clients that I work with to do is to pick a color that represents where they are in their relationship in this season. Then I suggest that they get some things in their home that reflect that exact hue. For instance, if red is a couple’s “thing” because it represents things like love, passion, and courage, bringing some red into their bedroom could help to bring the energy surrounding those words into their dynamic.
Along these same things, why not “gift yourself” with a favorite new color this holiday season? It can help you to gain some perspective when it comes to how you want to end 2021 and also how you want to enter into 2022. It might sound odd on the surface, but I promise you that it can clear up a few things. For instance, while I’m more of a neutral kinda gal, I’m into brighter colors right now. I know that means that I’m about to show more of the extroverted side of my ambivert personality over the next few months. I can just feel it. More professionally than personally…but still. Anyway, this recommendation is totally free. Can’t hurt to give it a shot.
2. A New Bathrobe and Pair of Slippers
One of the best things about going to a high-end spa or hotel is those extremely comfy bathrobes. OK, so the one that you’ve got hanging on the back of your bedroom or bathroom door, how’s it currently holding up? Hmph. Do you know what’s a trip about those? We’re supposed to wash them every 3-4 wears (like our towels) and we’re supposed to get a new one every couple of years. Are you following through on either one of these things?
As far as slippers go, my nail tech gets pissed at me, almost every time I go to get a pedicure because she knows that I am barefoot all of the time in my house and she’s constantly reminding me of all of the bacteria and fungus that I could be picking up off of my floors. So, while socks are more my thing, a new pair of slippers can be a wise move for you too. Not only can they keep all of the “stuff” away from your feet but the warmer your feet are, the easier it is for blood to circulate to them which is good for your immunity in so many ways. (By the way, slippers need to be replaced every six months.)
3. New Bedding
Shoot, isn’t shedding 30,000-40,000 dead skin cells every minute of the day enough of a reason to not only wash your sheets every week but to get some new bedding right about now? At this point, I probably have more sheets than I will ever need yet there’s something about how different fabrics, colors, and patterns give me a different experience when I’m reading, watching a movie, or getting ready to fall asleep in my bed.
A part of the reason why I’ve written articles for the site like “12 (Affordable) Ways To Make Your Bedroom More Tranquil & Beautiful” is because, if you’re doing life right, you should be spending around one-third of your time in your bed (sleeping and/or sexing), so why wouldn’t you invest in the kind of bedding that beckons you to do just that? Bedding shouldn’t be treated like an afterthought. It absolutely should be a top priority purchase, at least a couple of times a year.
4. A New Journal
I’ve written about sex journaling (here), self-love journaling (here), and even vaginal mapping (here) for this platform before. A part of the reason is because, as a writer, I’m a huge fan of journaling. Also, because I’ve got several full journals at this point and I know for a fact that they helped me to write my past two books and a couple of ones that I am working on now, I know that journaling is amazing when it comes to documentation and reflecting on personal growth and progress. There are also studies that say journaling can help to tap into new levels of creativity; can better your communication skills; is excellent when it comes to reducing stress and anxiety levels; can assist with both setting and tracking both short- and long-term goals; can help to strengthen your memory; can boost your self-confidence levels and is a great way to spend some quality time with yourself as well.
That’s why I’m all about setting aside at least an hour a week to do nothing but journal. I also think it’s wise to get two new ones every year — one for your personal life and another for your professional life. It’s the kind of investment that is truly incomparable on every level. And new ones represent a fresh start.
5. A New “Symbolic” Gemstone
While a lot of people spend time understanding zodiac signs, I personally am more into understanding various gemstones. Not only are they beautiful to look at but a lot of them have some really profound meanings. I started doing this when I was reading about all of the different ones in biblical Scripture and I haven’t stopped since. Anyway, something that can be cool to do is to do your own research on them, meditate on a stone that you really gravitate to in this particular season of your life, and purchase a pendant, some earrings, a ring or bracelet that is made from that very stone.
Beadage is a website that has a list of over 100 gemstones and crystals, along with their pictures and meanings (you can look for yourself right here). Every year I do this and I adore, not just all of my pieces, but what they represented at each stage of my journey. It’s a beautiful tradition. (Etsy carries a ton of different options at affordable prices if you decide you want something but you’re on a really firm budget. Just go to the site and put the name of the stone in the search field.)
6. Some Sexy Underwear
Personally, I think it’s kind of crazy that some women think that lingerie/sexy underwear is unnecessary if no one is looking at them in it but them. Chile, I have so much stuff that it’s almost criminal at this point and I adore putting it on, just for myself. There’s something about wearing silk and satin in really sensual cuts and styles that affects my walk, my tone of voice, and my energy all the way around. Some of us really need to get out of the habit of thinking that sexiness is for someone rather than being just who and what we are.
A new stash of sexy underwear can certainly help to emphasize this very point. If you need some tips on how to make the best selections for your personal taste and body type, check out “Lingerie Hacks: How To Choose The Best Kind For Your Body Type.” Then check out “10 Black AF Lingerie Brands To Buss It In This V-Day & Forevermore,” so that you can support Black-owned businesses.
7. Some Takeout for the Week Between Christmas and New Year’s
I like to cook. So much that I do it, pretty much six times a week. One day a week, though, I will either go out and pick something up or have it delivered and, every time that I do it, I feel like I am treating myself. I know exactly what I’m getting. I don’t have to prepare it. And because of the containers that the food comes in, I don’t have to clean up afterward either. Although you may be with family and/or friends on Christmas Day, definitely set some money aside to order some food in the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day.
Don’t overthink it either. Choose whatever puts a huge smile on your face as you binge-watch a show, catch up on a podcast, or vibe to some of your favorite playlists. (If you’re still “iffy” about takeout right through here, check out “10 Safety Practices For Ordering Takeout (During A Pandemic)”.)
8. A Wine or Flower Subscription
Wine is packed with antioxidants. Studies show that it can help with your heart health, libido, digestive system, vision (because it reduces inflammation and oxidative stress that could damage your eyesight over time) and it can even help to prevent cancer cells from forming (and that’s just for starters!). Fresh flowers are a wonderful thing because they are proven to reduce stress and anxiety, plus they can improve your mood and even your memory! At this point, I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve emphasized the importance of celebrating yourself on this site.
In 2022, make it a practice to either toast your accomplishments (both small and large) with a new bottle of wine or end your week with some fresh flowers. You can make this really easy by purchasing a wine or flower subscription. They aren’t as expensive as you might think either. Some wine subscriptions are less than $20 a bottle and some flower subscriptions are under $40 a month.
9. A New Bank Account (and/or New Stock)
Something that I recommend married couples get is a sex jar (you can read why here). Something that I recommend singles do is have an account (or your own jar if you can keep it in a safe place and have the self-control to not take money out of it). No, not a checking or savings one (I’m thinking that is a given). I mean one that solely goes towards a plan that you have that you keep not manifesting because you think you can’t afford it — a trip, a class, funds to start an Etsy page or your own company…money that can help you to get to the next level in some area of your life.
While we’re on the topic of coins, something else that can help to make big things happen is investing in some stock. No time (or space) to get deeply into that now but man, speaking with a financial consultant about how to invest a few dollars can be truly life-altering (I know too many people in my life who can personally attest to this!). A good example is cannabis stock. Don’t let these white folks reap all of the benefits from investing in that lane. If you want to do more research in this area, click here, here, and here for intel on some of the best cannabis-related stocks to invest in right now.
10. A Spa Day
I recently read a tweet that said something along the lines of, “Next year, I’m done acting like waxing and getting my nails done is pampering. That is maintenance.” That woman and I definitely “see each other” because I’ve been on that page for quite a while now. Listen, I’ve only had a couple of full-on spa days in my life and they weren’t cheap. Oh, but they were super duper worth it. Even if you can’t make a spa day happen by Christmas — shoot, even if you’ve got to wait until around this time next year — definitely make it a top priority to book an all-day spa appointment sooner than later.
I mean, get a full body massage, take advantage of some aromatherapy, get a few facials (face, hand, feet, etc.), do some microdermabrasion — go all out! You’ll honestly need a good $600-1000 to pull it off but if you save $85 starting now until next December, you’ll have $1000 and $20 for a tip. It will remind you to really indulge yourself, hold you accountable to saving for it, and remind you that your beautiful single self is totally worth it. Happy Holidays!
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Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by xoNecole/YouTube
Sometimes I get asked the same question, often enough, that I’m like, “It’s time to address this on a larger platform,” — and for, whatever the reason, as of late, folks have been asking me what different sex acts mean.
No, not from the perspective of positions or techniques. What they’ve basically wanted to know is if making love, having sex, and f-cking are simply different words to describe the same thing or if there truly is something deeper with each one.
Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
Back when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
A few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
And finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
____
One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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