

There’s a reason why foreplay is so important. Aside from the fact that it helps people to get more into the mood, that type of sexual stimulation helps to activate a woman’s system so that she’s able to naturally produce vaginal lubrication. This is crucial to pleasurable and satisfying sex because, without “extra wetness,” penetration and the friction that comes along with it can be uncomfortable, if not outright painful.
The issue is that even if you are blessed with a partner who is a foreplay master, things like hormonal shifts, a poor diet, and even certain types of medications can make getting wet a bit of a challenge.
10 Foods That Make You Wetter
Good thing there are certain foods that you can eat that come with nutrients and properties that can make natural lubrication easier for you. If you’re curious to know what some of those happen to be, I’ve got 10 foods (along with some recipes), four supplements, and a diet tip that will get — or keep — your vagina right where it should be in the bedroom. Let’s do this.
1. Sweet Potatoes
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If you know you’re low on the nutrient intake tip and you wanna ramp things up immediately, treat yourself to a sweet potato. It’s loaded with fiber, the antioxidant beta-carotene, vitamins A, B, C, and E, and potassium, and it’s a solid source of protein (if you happen to be vegan or a vegetarian). Health-wise, sweet potatoes are good for you because they help to regulate your blood sugar levels as well as lower your cancer risks. Some medical professionals say that they support eye health and can keep inflammation down as well.
The reason why they make the “wetter va-jay-jay” list is that vitamin A is a nutrient that helps to increase vaginal lubrication, and reportedly just one sweet potato can give you a whopping 400 percent of the daily vitamin A that your system needs. So, when do you plan on eating one, sis?
Sweet Potato Recipe: Chili Cheese Sweet Potato Casserole
2. Apples
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Coming in as the most convenient snack on this list is the apple. It’s small. It’s portable. And it’s really good for you. Not only is an apple another food that’s full of fiber, but it also contains vitamin C and antioxidants that help to fight off free radicals. Plus, if you’re wanting to keep heart disease and diabetes at bay while also doing something to keep your gut health in check, an apple is definitely what you’re looking for. Oh, and if you’re curious about which ones are healthier (green or red), reportedly, green ones have less calories, carbs, and sugar in them.
And yes, apples are great for vaginal lubrication, too. One study revealed that one a day can keep things flowing well, and since they’re also made up of 86 percent water — you’ve got every reason in the world to make sure there are plenty in your house.
Apple Recipe: Apple Cobbler
3. Spinach
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Something that I just can’t seem to get enough of these days is sauteed spinach. I think it’s because it’s so quick and easy to make — just a bit of olive oil, butter, a dash, and salt and pepper in a skillet for a couple of minutes, and you’re all set. It’s a bonus that spinach is such a superfood too. After all, it has fiber, protein, vitamins A, C, and K, iron, calcium, and folic acid in it. Not only that, but it’s got a load of plant compounds that do everything from protect your vision and heart to help with reducing your blood pressure and oxidative stress levels as well.
Spinach is an ally for your vagina and how well it lubricates due to the nitrates that are in it. They help to increase blood flow, including to your vaginal region — and the more that helps, the wetter things tend to be.
Spinach Recipe: Crustless Quiche
4. Peanut Butter
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If you want to get some zinc, magnesium, vitamin B, and definitely some protein into your system, treat yourself to a teaspoon (or tablespoon) of peanut butter. The combination will help you with your workout regimen (especially if you want to build some muscle), manage your blood sugar levels, and it can even help you to maintain your weight (when consumed in moderation, do keep in mind that it’s got some fat up in it).
What makes peanut butter so helpful when it comes to your vagina is vitamin E has had a longstanding reputation for being an all-natural lubrication alternative, especially for women who are going through menopause. And since it’s a nutrient that works so well at moisturizing from the outside in, it would make sense that it would also be beneficial from the inside out, too, wouldn’t you say?
I’m such a fan that I shouted Vitamin E out in the article, “Here Are 12 Of The Supplements That Your Vagina Totally Needs.”
Peanut Butter Recipe: Homemade Peanut Butter (With Variations)
5. Kiwi
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Back when I penned the article, “Who Knew? 15 Foods You've Been Eating (Or Preparing) The "Wrong" Way.” for the site, one of the foods that I mentioned was kiwi. Basically, if you want to get the most out of it, you need to keep the skin on. If you do, you’ll be doing your body a world of good because kiwi boosts your collagen levels, contains magnesium (which makes your periods easier to handle), has depression-fighting properties, fiber, and vitamin C, and can help to lower your risk of having a stroke.
What will it do for your vagina exactly? Aside from the fact that the vitamin C in it can help to inhibit the bacteria that lead to vaginitis. Since kiwi is made up of 90 percent water, it’s a delicious way to avoid dehydration — from head to vagina to toe.
Kiwi Recipe: Kiwi Avocado Salsa Verde
6. Cucumber Juice
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It’s weird, but even though they don’t really taste like much of anything (cucumbers are made up of somewhere around 96 percent water which is probably why), I like snacking on cucumbers (especially with a bit of lime juice and some white pepper and salt). If you do as well, pat yourself on the back because they have protein, fiber, a ton of vitamin K, antioxidants, and other nutrients in them. And again, since there is so much water in cucumbers, you’re going to get a ton of hydration from such a low-calorie FRUIT (yep, you heard me right; cucumber is a fruit!).
Vaginally, when it comes to cucumbers, although you should ABSOLUTELY AVOID that “vaginal facial” mess that was all the rage several years back (you can read more about that here), some studies link vitamin K deficiency to a drop in estrogen. When that happens, it can definitely take a toll on vaginal lubrication, which is why munching on a cucumber or drinking a tall glass of fresh cucumber juice could be one of the best things to do as far as genital juiciness is concerned.
Cucumber Juice Recipe: Cucumber Juice
7. Mangoes
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I don’t know about y’all, but one of my favorite fruits of all time is the mango. Aside from the “stringiness,” the taste and texture are top-tier. Health-wise, the American Heart Association praises mango as being a “superhero of fruit” — and with good reason. Mangoes contain fiber, lots of vitamin C, protein, copper, folate, and lots of other nutrients. As far as health benefits go, it’s a fruit that is low in calories, fights diabetes, and is full of plant compounds that will keep free radicals from attacking your system while boosting your immunity at the same time.
Since there is also some vitamin A and E in this particular fruit, mango is another food that helps with vaginal dryness, especially since both nutrients are beneficial when it comes to treating vaginal atrophy (which can hinder natural lubrication).
Mango Recipe: Mango Kulfi
8. Fortified Orange Juice
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I actually find it interesting that just like the diamond ring started as a campaign for when De Beers was going broke (true story), the reason why orange juice is so much of a staple for breakfast is due to a similar reason. Apparently, a company by the name of Lord & Thomas used an ad back in the early 1900s to convince people that drinking OJ in the morning was a healthy way to start the day. Clearly, it worked because folks continue to rely on a glass of orange juice to give them a blood sugar rush (when they are low on energy), to strengthen their immunity (thanks to all of the vitamin C and antioxidants that it contains) and to get a good amount of vitamin D and calcium into their system.
Your vagina? The bottom line here is antioxidants, and organic acids help to keep bacteria out — the healthier your vaginal region is, the easier it is for lubrication to stay good and consistent. And why is it best that the juice be fortified? At the end of the day, that just means that it has extra nutrients in it, so try and look for orange juice that is fortified with vitamin D (it should say so on the label). Since we, as Black women, tend to be more deficient in that nutrient than other ethnicities, it’s a wise move all the way around.
Orange Juice Recipe(s): 25 Best Recipes with Orange Juice to Try Today
9. Eggs
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I don’t think it’s happenstance at all that right around the time that I’m about to (le sigh) PMS, I crave an omelet — or three. The high amounts of protein, B vitamins, and selenium (which help to keep female hormones in balance) all work with other nutrients in eggs to make them a world-class superfood. Eggs help to maintain eye health, lower your risk of heart disease and keep your cholesterol in a healthy state.
And yes, eggs are good for your vagina, especially as far as producing lubrication is concerned. Aside from selenium, which strives to make sure that an imbalance of hormones doesn’t “dry you out,” the B vitamins will boost your immune system as well as keep your nervous system from affecting how everything flows down below.
Eggs Recipe: Quick and Cheesy Omelet Roll-Up
10. DHEA
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Dehydroepiandrosterone's nickname is DHEA. To make a long story short, it’s a natural hormone that your adrenal gland produces. You need it because it helps to produce sex hormones like androgen and estrogen. If you take it in supplement form, it can help with things like obesity and depression, which is already pretty awesome; however, it makes this list because DHEA can also balance out your hormone levels so that vaginal atrophy (and erectile dysfunction in men) is less of an issue. And again, since dryness is typically a symptom of vaginal atrophy…well…there ya go.
11. Evening Primrose Oil
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Something that I am always and forever gonna sing the high praises of is evening primrose oil (check out “The 7 Supplements That TOTALLY Changed My Life”). Since taking it, it’s made PMS-related symptoms, random breakouts, and period-related breast discomfort so much less of an issue. Something else that’s cool about this particular supplement is there are studies to support that taking it on a regular basis can actually make it easier to get aroused and have orgasms — and since vaginal lubrication comes with being sexually stimulated…you definitely can’t miss by adding this oil into your diet. TRUST ME.
12. Black Cohosh
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If there is an herbal supplement that has a huge reputation for being beneficial in the realm of women’s health, black cohosh would be the one. Due to the fact that it also helps with balancing hormones, many sing its praises when it comes to treating menopause, helping with fertility issues, regulating menstrual cycles, and even decreasing the size of uterine fibroids (pretty impressive, right?).
And since it is respected as an all-natural alternative to menopause, if you’re going through that stage of life, black cohosh very well could make vaginal dryness and sexual discomfort altogether less of an issue that you will have to deal with.
13. Hyaluronic Acid
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How many times have you seen a skincare commercial that brought up hyaluronic acid? Believe it or not, it’s actually a substance that your system naturally produces — and here’s the thing: its main purpose is to keep your tissues nice and moist. So, you can already see why it’s featured in this article because whether you want supple skin, lubricated joints, or a wetter vagina, hyaluronic acid can make it happen for you. And although it has relatively no side effects, the main heads up on this one is if you’ve had cancer before or you currently do run it by your doctor. There are some studies that indicate that it can play a role in speeding up the growth of cancer cells if you’re not careful.
14. Less White Stuff
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White ain’t right. What I mean by that is carbs that have been overprocessed, like white flour, white rice, white pasta, and white bread, play a significant role in why obesity continues to be a very real issue and health risk in our country. A part of the reason is not only do those kinds of foods leave us NOT feeling full, but they also spike blood sugar levels. As far as your sex life goes, white foods can suppress your hormones which makes having a high libido (that can keep you wet) more challenging and your partner keeping a full erection more difficult as well.
15. Infused Water
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It’s somewhat of a disturbing reality that 75 percent of Americans are not only dehydrated but severely dehydrated — especially when you take into account that 60 percent of our bodies are made up of water. That’s why there was absolutely no way that I could pen a piece like this and not shout out the absolute importance (and relevance) of drinking plenty of water on a daily basis.
If you happen to be like me and find water to, as I say it, be like drinking “wet air” (BORING), make some infused water. The fruit and/or veggies that you put into it will not only add some flavor to liven things up, but you’ll also gain some extra nutrients from them too. That way, your system will be hydrated, and your vagina will be well lubricated. Drink up!
Infused Water Recipe(s): 23 Infused Water Ideas That Will Make You Forget About Soda
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- 8 Teas That Are Really Good For Your Vaginal Health ›
- 10 Ways To Have An "Extra Sweet" Vagina ›
- The Foods Your Vagina's Been Craving ›
- Here's How To Increase Vaginal Lubrication. Naturally. ›
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney & Jill Marie Jones On 'Games Women Play' & Dating Over 40
What do you get when you mix unfiltered truths, high-stakes romance, and a few well-timed one-liners? You get Games Women Play—the sizzling new stage play by Je’Caryous Johnson that’s part relationship rollercoaster, part grown-woman group chat.
With a powerhouse cast that includes Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney, Jill Marie Jones, Carl Payne, Chico Bean, and Brian J. White, the play dives headfirst into the messy, hilarious, and heart-wrenching games people play for love, power, and peace of mind. And the women leading this story? They’re bringing their whole selves to the stage—and leaving nothing behind.
From Script to Spotlight
The road to Games Women Play started over 20 years ago—literally.
“This script was written 20 years ago,” Jill Marie Jones said with a smile. “It was originally called Men, Money & Gold Diggers, and I was in the film version. So when Je’Caryous called me to bring it to the stage, I was like, ‘Let’s go.’” Now reimagined for 2025, the play is updated with sharp dialogue and modern relationship dynamics that feel all too real.
Demetria McKinney, no stranger to Je’Caryous Johnson’s productions, jumped at the opportunity to join the cast once again. “This is my third time working with him,” she shared. “It was an opportunity to stretch. I’d never been directed by Carl Payne before, and the chance to work with talent I admire—Jill, Claudia, Chico—it was a no-brainer.”
Claudia Jordan joked that she originally saw the role as just another check. “I didn’t take it that seriously at first,” she admitted. “But this is my first full-on tour—and now I’ve got a whole new respect for how hard people work in theater. This ain’t easy.”
Modern Love, Stage Left
The play doesn’t hold back when it comes to the messier parts of love. One jaw-dropping moment comes when a live podcast proposal flips into a prenup bombshell—leaving the audience (and the characters) gasping.
Demetria broke it down with honesty. “People don’t ask the real questions when they date. Like, ‘Do you want kids? How do you feel about money?’ These convos aren’t happening, and then everyone’s confused. That moment in the play—it’s real. That happens all the time.”
Jill chimed in, noting how the play speaks to emotional disconnect. “We’re giving each other different tokens of love. Men might offer security and money. Women, we’re giving our hearts. But there’s a disconnect—and that’s where things fall apart.”
And then Claudia, of course, took it all the way there. “These men don’t even want to sign our prenups now!” she laughed. “They want to live the soft life, too. Wearing units, gloss, getting their brows done. We can’t have nothing! Y’all want to be like us? Then get a damn period and go through menopause.”
Dating Over 40: “You Better Come Correct”
When the conversation turned to real-life relationships, all three women lit up. Their experiences dating in their 40s and 50s have given them both clarity—and zero tolerance for games.
“I feel sexier than I’ve ever felt,” said Jill, who proudly turned 50 in January. “I say what I want. I mean what I say. I’m inside my woman, and I’m not apologizing for it.”
Demetria added that dating now comes with deeper self-awareness. “Anybody in my life is there because I want them there. I’ve worked hard to need nobody. But I’m open to love—as long as you keep doing what got me there in the first place.”
For Claudia, the bar is high—and the peace is priceless. “I’ve worked hard for my peace,” she said. “I’m not dating for food. I’m dating because I want to spend time with you. And honestly, if being with you isn’t better than being alone with my candles and fountains and cats? Then no thanks.”
Channeling Strength & Icon Status
Each actress brings something different to the play—but all of them deliver.
“I actually wish I could be messier on stage,” Claudia joked. “But I think about my grandmother—she was born in 1929, couldn’t even vote or buy a house without a man, and didn’t give a damn. She was fearless. That’s where my strength comes from.”
For Jill, the comparisons to her iconic Girlfriends character Toni Childs aren’t far off—but this role gave her a chance to dig deeper. “If you really understood Toni, you’d see how layered she was. And Paisley is the same—misunderstood, but strong. There’s more to her than people see at first glance.”
Demetria, who juggles singing and acting seamlessly, shared that live theater pushes her in a new way. “Every moment on stage counts. You can’t redo anything. It’s a different kind of love and discipline. You have to give the performance away—live, in the moment—and trust that it lands.”
Laughter, Lessons & Black Girl Gems
The show has plenty of laugh-out-loud moments—and the cast isn’t shy about who steals scenes.
“Chico Bean gets a lot of gasps and laughs,” Claudia said. “And Naomi Booker? Every scene she’s in—she’s hilarious.”
But the play isn’t just about humor. It leaves space for reflection—especially for Black women.
“I hope we get back to the foundation of love and communication,” said Demetria. “A lot of us are in protector mode. But that’s turned into survival mode. We’ve lost softness. We’ve lost connection.”
Claudia agreed. “We’re doing it all—but it’s not because we want to be strong all the time. It’s because we have to be. And I just want women to know: You can have peace, you can be soft. But stop bringing your old pain into new love. Don’t let past heartbreak build walls so high that the right person can’t climb over.”
Final Act: Pack the House
If there’s one thing this cast agrees on, it’s that this play isn’t just entertainment—it’s necessary.
“Atlanta is the Black entertainment hub,” Claudia said. “We need y’all to show up for this play. Support the arts. Support each other. Because when we pack the house, we make space for more stories like this.”
Games Women Play is more than a play—it’s a mirror. You’ll see yourself, your friends, your exes, and maybe even your next chapter. So get ready to laugh, reflect, and maybe even heal—because the games are on.
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We've All Heard Of Marriage Red Flags Before. Now Check Out 6 Divorce Red Flags.
Red flags. When it comes to relationships, there is nothing like knowing that there are glaring warning signs that are literally trying to tell you something, and yet, because of how you feel about someone, you choose to totally ignore them. Indeed, as author Steve Maraboli once said, “They ignored all of the signs…Pretended not to see the flags…You can break your own heart loving some people.” Geeze.
And this is why, when it comes to getting married, dating/engaged couples definitely need to pay attention to some potentially serious marriage red flags — lifestyle incompatibility; poor communication; financial instability; sexual incompatibility (you don’t have to have sex to know this by the way — couples need to discuss their intimacy needs and wants regardless); inability to compromise; any forms of abuse or addictions and/or unrealistic expectations.
Whew, please hear me when I say that, no matter how much you love someone, if you say “I do” without addressing (and hopefully resolving) these issues before jumping somebody’s broom, you could be in for a really unpleasant marital experience…if not divorce court up the road.
And speaking of divorce, although it’s not discussed nearly enough, believe it or not, there are also things that should be considered divorce red flags — also glaring warning signs that you are about to blow up your union, if you don’t gather yourself together, talk to your partner (and, if need be a marriage therapist, counselor or life coach) and work to get things back on track.
After over 20 years of working with married couples, some of which were right on the brink of calling it quits, here are six of the consistent divorce red flags that I’ve noticed — along with a bit of advice on how to effectively handle them…so that you don’t end up ending your marriage, when there wasn’t a reason to.
1. Impatience
I promise you, with everything in me, I don’t get — not really — why impatient people get married. There are a billion-and-one reasons why it baffles me; however, we can start with Scripture telling us that “love is patient” (I Corinthians 13:4) and, as I’ve shared in other articles, patience isn’t just about knowing how to wait well, it’s also about “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” Please tell me that you really caught that second one because it clearly says that patient people are able to deal with things like annoyances and hardships by remaining calm and without complaining.
Now, be real — how many people do you know, married or not, who act like this? And yet, again, the Good Book pretty much says that this is one definition of what it means to truly love other individuals: you can deal with challenging times in a steady and mature fashion. And this is why I can’t think of one client who will tell you that I am not a big fan of people worshipping the god of happiness.
What I mean by that is — how many times have you watched a post on social media (shoot, probably today alone) where someone has said that they left their marriage because “I’m just not happy anymore”? SMDH. Some people aren’t going to want to hear this, but only children should expect to be happy all of the time — and even they need to be taught just how unrealistic that is. Where the big kids play is getting that HEALTHY should always trump HAPPY — and the people who truly grasp this concept, they tend to be better at being patient than those who think that everything should be about their happiness darn near every minute of every day.
While we’re here, what are some other signs of being an impatient individual (who is usually unhappy most of the time)?
- They always want things done in their time
- They use pressure, stress, and ultimatums to get things done
- They get frustrated whenever things don’t go as planned (which means they are inflexible)
- They constantly cut people off in conversations (which means that they don’t listen well)
- They don’t know how to relax and be in the moment
And this is just five signs, chile. Anyway, the reason why this tops the list of being a divorce red flag is because, if you’re thinking about ending your marriage because you don’t know to deal with disappointments or challenges or you think that your spouse should move in your timeframe, not only do you have some tremendously unrealistic beliefs about marriage but you do about humanity, in general. Not only that, but leaving your husband, just to get with someone else? That isn’t really going to change things.
Hmph. Let me tell it, the reason why 67 percent of second marriages and 74 percent of third ones also end in divorce is because people don’t take the saying “everywhere you go, there you are” seriously and literally enough. In other words — if you’re impatient with the partner you have now and you don’t make some changes within yourself about your issues with impatience, you will be the same way with the next guy…and the next…and the next.
Divorcing because you don’t know how to wait well and/or deal with things not always going how you would like? That is a serious divorce red flag.
2. Making Comparisons
I’m pretty sure you’ve heard the quote by Theodore Roosevelt that says, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” What that basically means is if you are caught up in looking at what others are doing or what others have, it can rob you of finding pleasure, contentment and satisfaction in your own life — and when you stop to think about the fact that the internet/social media didn’t even exist at the time that he said this…whew.
When it comes to the impact that the World Wide Web has on people, one study says that social media causes 90 percent of women and 60 percent of men to compare themselves to what they see online; not only that, but 40 percent of those same people say that it affects them in a negative way. Another study? It states that social media content plays a direct role in individuals having low self-esteem, while another study revealed that 88 percent of women said that their body image was impacted by what they see on social media. And y’all, still another study cited that 75 percent of folks assessed their self-worth by what they saw online. Geeze.
If you take all of this in and then add to it the fact that some studies say that one in seven marriages say that social media played a direct role in their divorce — although there used to be a time when folks were needing to be intentional about not comparing themselves to their relatives, friends and co-workers, now they need to avoid doing it with the hundreds of people who they are able to access online on a daily basis too.
That said, I don’t care how big someone’s engagement ring is, how many trips certain couples go on or how someone speaks about their partner — everyone’s relationship is different and unique and it is pretty close to ridiculous to participate in self-sabotaging behavior by creating problems in your marriage simply because you wish it was more like someone else’s.
If there are things that you genuinely want to do or accomplish, then get with your spouse and start making some plans; however, if your core motivation is to keep up with other people, actually, that is low-key a form of being unfaithful to your own relationship because you are putting so much energy into what other folks have going on that you are neglecting the man who is right in the bed with you. And yeah, that ain’t good.
3. Unforgivingness
Someone else who has no business getting married — people who are stubborn when it comes to forgiving other people. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that it is rooted in complete delusion and/or egomania to think that people should give you grace and mercy when you’ve done wrong and yet you believe that can and even should weaponize forgiveness when it comes time for individuals to receive it from you.
What are some signs that you suck at forgiving other people?
- You constantly live in the past or bring it up (once it’s been addressed)
- You hold people’s faults over them like it’s a power trip
- You hold grudges for days and weeks on end
- You lack empathy and compassion (as if you don’t have faults as well)
- You keep trying to make people “pay” for what they have done
- You punish them by withholding engagement or intimacy (if it’s your spouse) from them
- You’re bitter
And yet, I can’t tell you how many times that a person has told me that they are ready to end their marriage because they told their spouse beforehand that if they did something ONE TIME, they were out — only for life to humble them by them doing that very thing and then begging for their partner to pardon them for it.
And if the first thing that some of you want to jump to is infidelity — first of all, reportedly only 20 percent of men and 13 percent of women, so this obsession with that topic really needs to cease. Besides, if you aren’t a good forgiver, things like your man hurting your feelings by not keeping a date, and you holding onto that? That can cause you to feel resentful over time which can make you want to make literal mountains out of molehills when it comes to other things that he does…things that wouldn’t be as big of a deal in your mind if you had let the original offense — which sometimes isn’t even an offense, it’s just a disappointment — go.
Some people aren’t going to want to hear this, and yet, still, it needs to be said: A lot of people end up divorcing, and it’s not because of abuse or cheating or anything as extreme. It’s because they leave very little room for error when it comes to their partner (which is unrealistic as hell) and so, since they aren’t good at forgiving, they don’t know how to handle it whenever someone makes a mistake (or a poor decision) — and so, they would rather leave than figure out how to heal the situation by forgiving their partner as their partner seeks a way to make things right.
And those people? They are never going to be in a healthy long-term relationship because the reality is that humans are fallible and will always need to be forgiven — ALL HUMANS (including oneself). People who don’t accept this, they are the unforgiving types who are a constant example of a divorce red flag.
4. Selfishness
I ain’t gonna lie — the times when I do tiptoe out into social media to see what folks are talking about and I watch even five minutes of relationship-related content, the first thing that comes to my mind is a whole lot of people are not emotionally mature enough for marriage, just by their selfishness alone. By definition, to be selfish is to be self-consumed and anyone who is consistently concerned about what they can get out of a relationship without even considering another individual — they are selfish. Not to mention the fact that Scripture shows us how to love and care for other people, especially our spouse:
"Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not get upset with others. Love does not count up wrongs that have been done." (I Corinthians 13:5-NCV)
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." (Philippians 2:3-4-NIV)
Did you catch it? If you truly love someone, you won’t be selfish, and if you want to show someone how much you care for them, selfish ambition cannot come into play. What this means is you’ve got to operate from a place of humility and be willing to take their own needs, wants, and interests into consideration.
Sometimes, when I’m in a session with a couple, all I hear is selfishness coming out, whether it’s from one or both sides. It’s not that they don’t still love each other. It’s not that they regret getting married. No, what they are struggling with is they either thought that marriage was going to be about their needs taking precedent most of the time or that they didn’t seriously consider the fact that, sometimes, they would need to put their own desires on hold for the betterment of their partner and oftentimes the relationship overall.
You know, when I recently read an article on some of the traits of a selfish person, three that stood out to me were that selfish people hate to compromise, selfish people put their wants above anything else, and selfish people don’t care about other people’s feelings. And these are the kinds of people who file for divorce on a daily basis — and that is both childish and sad.
Another thing to keep in mind about selfishness is it tends to be supremely self-centered — this presents itself as folks who are “good” at dominating conversations, skirting around accountability and responsibility and refusing to put themselves in other people’s shoes…and oftentimes, it takes a spouse “putting up a mirror” to their partner to show them that they are exactly this way.
If you just read all of this and you low-key feel triggered by it, ponder if what you currently think “isn’t working” about your marriage is more about you being more selfish than you should be. Because if you don’t learn that lesson in this relationship, you’ll just keep self-sabotaging other ones along the way — romantic ones especially, because no one really wants to be with someone who only focuses on themselves. Not for the long haul, anyway
5. A Lack of Research
Several years back, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “What Some People Regret About Their Divorce.” You know, one of the things that I absolutely loathe about how people date these days is they think that boyfriends are husbands, girlfriends are wives, and break-ups are divorces — and that is why so many people don’t really get the weight of what marriage and ending one really is. SMDH.
And that’s why, it doesn’t surprise me in the least that one study says one-third of people who divorce end up regretting doing it. I say that because, just like not nearly enough people get into premarital counseling before saying “I do” (check out “Why You Should Strongly Consider Premarital Counseling BEFORE Getting Engaged”), not enough married couples “get their oil changed” at least a couple of times a year by speaking with a reputable marriage counselor, therapist or life coach and definitely not enough will see one of these professionals before ending their union. And because of this, people make ignorant and/or rash, and/or emotionally charged decisions without really thinking about the fallout that can come from them.
For starters, did you know that more heart attacks happen to divorced men than non-divorced men? Meanwhile, women who’ve been divorced two or more times increase their risk of having a heart attack by a whopping 77 percent. In fact, people who get divorced are reportedly 20 percent more likely to experience health-related issues overall. Divorce also tends to lead to a significant increase in depression and anxiety, and there are all kinds of ways that it can jack up your finances, including taxes, assets, and retirement.
When it comes to what divorce can do to children, there is plenty of data out here that says it can lead to them having significant emotional issues, problems in school and it increases their chances of having substance abuse issues later down the road (and that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what it can do).
Can you survive a divorce if you get one? Sure you can. All I’m saying is, before you just “up and get one” — don’t let two random posts from some random ranters on Instagram have you out here thinking that it’s “no biggie” to divorce when it absolutely is. Do some thorough research into what the consequences of ending your marriage will be; treat it like it’s a dissertation. Folks who don’t take this advice — have mercy are they ignoring a HUGE divorce red flag.
6. Emotional Immaturity
Last one. Some people? Some of them are too emotionally immature for marriage or even a romantic relationship, in general. And what are some signs of emotional immaturity? Good question.
- Emotionally immature people don’t know how to control their emotions
- Emotionally immature people deflect and make excuses whenever they are called out
- Emotionally immature people hit below the belt during conflict
- Emotionally immature people constantly want to be the center of attention
- Emotionally immature people pout and/or throw temper tantrums
- Emotionally immature people rarely, if ever, self-reflect
- Emotionally immature people constantly deflect whenever topics make them uncomfortable
- Emotionally immature people are inconsistent and unpredictable
- Emotionally immature people tend to be passive-aggressive and/or defensive a lot of the time
- Emotionally immature people absolutely suck at listening because they only want to be heard
A while back, I watched a Tubi movie entitled What Fairytale? Boy, talk about some emotionally immature (and highly selfish) married folks. SMDH. Speaking of, a really good movie that’s currently loaded up on there as well is calledParachute — and boy, is it a big bright light about what it looks like to be codependent and in a relationship. Lawd.
My point of mentioning both of these films is, in their own way, they show what happens when one or two people are so emotionally immature (perhaps without even knowing it) that they have this Disney perception of marriage to the point where they make reckless and/or entitled and/or childish and/or impulsive and/or even ridiculous decisions about their relationship when that they really should do is do some self-reflecting and then get the professional help and support that they need to see and handle their marriage from a more mature and evolved space.
Emotionally immature folks? There probably isn’t a bigger divorce red flag than this one.
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I’ve been working with married couples for a long time, y’all, with an emphasis on reconciling divorces. And you know what? Something that I’ve realized is that a ton of marriages can be saved when people 1) recognize divorce red flags when they see them and 2) get that divorce is a very serious decision that has a truly lasting impact…on all parties involved.
It can’t be said enough that a red flag is a warning. Today is a warning that you could be considering a divorce when you really shouldn’t be. If you see these red flags, talk to your spouse, hit up a professional, and get around some healthy married people.
Never ignore red flags. Address them. It can — and typically does — spare you. A LOT.
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