Let It Go: Ever Wonder If You're An "Emotional Hoarder"?

You Get into “Unnecessary” Relationships

I don't know what it is about the turn of every birthday that suddenly makes most of us want to live a more minimal lifestyle, even when it comes to the company that we keep. When we're in high school, it's like we base our value on how popular we are; then, once we hit our 30s, we're far more interested in the quality of relationships that we have (check out "According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why").

I think a part of the reason is because, when we're young(er), we're still trying to figure out who we are as individuals. Yet as we age and things begin to settle, we're able to get clearer about what we need in our lives—and who. And by "need", I mean just that—people who can clearly serve a purpose in our life, whether it's personally or professionally (check out "According To Aristotle, We Need 'Utility', 'Pleasure' & 'Good' Friends").

That's why I think, when it comes to broaching the topic of emotional hoarding, a good place to start is by asking yourself if you've got relationships in your life that you don't actually need. People who are draining your energy and/or causing drama (or even just ridiculous distractions) and/or you're only really keeping around because they've been around, even though neither one of you are truly benefitting the other.

You Suck at Forgiving Others

If you're someone who follows the Bible, the fact that Matthew 6:14-15 tells us that God won't forgive us unless we forgive others should be enough of a reason to do it. Then, if you add to that, that forgiveness reduces our anxiety levels, soothes depression-related symptoms, strengthens our heart, improves our immunity, and even gives us better mental health—I really don't get the "win" in being intentional about not forgiving others. Matter of fact, I think that by choosing not to forgive those who hurt or harmed you, you're actually giving them more power in your life, whether you realize it or not (because again, look at all of what comes from acting forgiving in the first place).

I can't count how many times I've shared a favorite definition of forgiveness. I believe that it's by author Dr. Gary Zukav. He once said, "forgiveness is accepting that the past cannot change." Unfortunately, because a lot of people think that "forgiveness" means that you dismantle all of your boundaries while offering up no consequences for the offense, they totally clam up at the concept.

Yet, as someone who has endured more abuse and pain than I care to write and you've got time to read, I promise you that all forgiving someone is really doing is 1) choosing to not let them or what they did run your life; 2) keeping you abreast of the fact that you also need forgiving from time to time; 3) allowing you to free up the bitterness and resentment so that you can let others into your life without penalizing them for what has happened that has nothing to do with them; 4) teaching you how to peacefully release rather than violently cut off, and 5) helping you to heal so that you can thrive.

It really is an epidemic, the amount of people who aren't able to soar in their life, both personally as well as professionally, and it's all due to the fact that not learning how to forgive—releasing an offense so that you can stop living in the past, so that you can finally heal from it—is weighing them down. Look at it this way—if everything that you didn't forgive manifested itself into a piece of junk, how much clutter would be in your house? Definitely something to think long and hard about.

You Hide Your True Feelings

If there is one thing that absolutely exhausts me when it comes to the married couples who I work with, it's the number of wives who expect their husbands to be mind readers. Why do I think this happens more with women than men? I believe a part of it is due to how many women pride themselves in thinking that they can read the mind of others. The reason why I stress the word "think" is because, while the emotional side of us can indeed heighten our intuitiveness, we're oftentimes not as "spot-on" as we think when it comes to knowing what other people are thinking (check out "So, Experts Have Something To Say About Your Intuition's Accuracy").

Anyway, because a lot of folks struggle with humbling themselves to this reality, sometimes they become an emotional hoarder because they wait for someone to figure out what they need or how they feel rather than being forthcoming, genuine and honest and letting others know.

I can't tell you how many married couples do not really know their spouse and it's because their spouse has become a master of hiding their feelings. Listen, it's not fair to penalize others for not really meeting your needs if you're not openly sharing what they are. Someone who truly cares about you wants to get to know the real you. And guess what? Whatever comes with that—so long as you're not delivering it in an abusive or combative way—I'm pretty sure they can handle it.

You Obsess over People, Things and/or Ideas

Thanks (although personally, it's actually a strong "no thanks" for me) to television channel Lifetime, a lot of us think that obsession only means that we're stalking someone and/or on the brink of killing them. And perhaps, that's why a lot of us remain obsessed over someone or something for far longer than we ever should. Yeah, believe it or not, there are other ways to be obsessed that are far less extreme. Constantly brooding over something or someone to the point where it keeps you in a rut of negativity is a form of obsession. Being so focused on something or someone that it basically causes everything (and one) else in your life to suffer is a form of obsession. Not being able to find balance (social media, anyone?) so that you can get things done is a form of obsession.

Worry can be a form of obsession. Being a control freak can be a form of obsession. Always trying to change what you cannot—and perhaps even should not—can be a form of obsession. Wishing you were something or someone that you're not can be a form of obsession. Wanting who or what doesn't want you can be a form of obsession. Manipulating things in order to get what you want can be a form of obsession. Basically, allowing any person, thing, or idea to dominate your life, by the very definition of obsession, is a form of obsession.

And here's the thing—as you mature, you learn that mastering life is about finding balance. In part, this means that if anyone or anything is throwing you off-kilter, at the end of the day, it's taking up too much room in your psyche and costing you more than you can afford. Again, obsession doesn't have to go to potential jail time extreme. If something is consuming you, why is that? Because if you want to be mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy, it shouldn't.

You’re Always in Emotional Debt

If there's a company that will push me to the brink of wanting to plot ways to destroy it, it's Xfinity. On so many levels and for so many reasons, they suck due to their inconsistent customer service and their prices. Still, they are kind of the only complete gig going where I live (they know it too) and so, at least for now, I have to deal. Anyway, I'm bringing them up because, while I'm ashamed to say it, I senselessly gave that company, at least a couple of thousand dollars (no joke), by renting a modem for them for about 15 years (again, at least). When they finally pissed me off to no end a few weeks ago, I went out, bought a modem, and gave them theirs back so that I could get that fee off of my bill. The cost of my new modem was $80. SMDH.

So, what took me so long to make the move? Because, in my mind, I thought renting the modem was convenient when really, it would've been easier, smarter, and far more cost-effective if I had sucked it up, went to an electronics store, and bought a modem years ago. My point?

Sometimes, we keep certain people, places, things, and/or ideas in our lives out of that same convenience. It's not really that they are so awesome or beneficial; it's more like…they are familiar. Yet when we make the move to release them, we realize that they were actually doing us more harm than good; that they were putting us into emotional debt because they weren't giving us what we needed and/or they always had some sort of drama attached to them and/or they never really served a true purpose. Yet because we kept engaging them as they did, it ended up putting us into some level of emotional debt because, after all, debt is basically an obligation—or a liability.

When relationships are healthy and purposeful, they are not disadvantageous (which is what a liability) in our world. You can see clear and immediate benefits that come from having that particular person, thing or idea in your life. You don't keep them around just because you're used to them being there or because you're afraid of what it will cost you to make wiser decisions.

This brings me to my final point.

You Don’t Know How to Let Ish Go

What is hoarding all about? At the end of the day, it's really simple—it's about not letting s—t go. It could be something that's related to a bad experience. It could be what connects you to feelings for a person who, at the end of the day, is fruitless in your life. It could be fears about leaving a job, city or church (hmm). It could be holding onto a friend who really isn't. It could be refusing to shift from who you were and how you processed things 10, five or even two years ago. Basically, anything (or one) that you know that you know that you know is impeding your growth (because you've been feeling triggered throughout this entire piece)—it qualifies as something (or someone) that you're emotionally hoarding on some level; something (or someone) that it's time to shift from, so that you can make more space in your life for what is truly good and healthy for you.

Again, I've never really hoarded stuff yet emotions? Girl, yeah. And the more I release what no longer serves me, the more my life makes complete, total, and peaceful sense. There's no time like the present to stop hoarding what you don't need. What are you waiting for? DO IT.

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