Elisabeth Ovesen Welcomes You To The Revolution
You may not know her by Elisabeth Ovesen – writer and host of the love, sex and relationships advice podcast Asking for a Friend. But you definitely know her other alter ego, Karrine Steffans, the New York Times best-selling author who lit up the literary and entertainment world when she released what she called a “tell some” memoir, Confessions of a Video Vixen.
Her 2005 barn-burning book gave an inside look at the seemingly glamorous world of being a video vixen in the ‘90s and early 2000s, and exposed the industry’s culture of abuse, intimidation, and misogyny years before the Me Too Movement hit the mainstream. Her follow-up books, The Vixen Diaries (2007) and The Vixen Manual: How To Find, Seduce And Keep The Man You Want (2009) all topped the New York Times best-seller list. After a long social media break, she's back. xoNecole caught up with Ovesen about the impact of her groundbreaking book, what life is like for her now, and why she was never “before her time”– everyone else was just late to the revolution.
xoNecole: Tell me about your new podcast Asking for a Friend with Elisabeth Ovesen and how that came about.
Elisabeth Ovesen: I have a friend who is over [at Blavity] and he just asked me if I wanted to do something with him. And that's just kinda how it happened. It wasn't like some big master plan. Somebody over there was like, “Hey, we need content. We want to do this podcast. Can you do it?” And I was like, “Sure.” And that's that. That was around the holidays and so we started working on it.
xoNecole: Your life and work seem incredibly different from when you first broke out on the scene. Can you talk a bit about the change in your career and how your life is now?
EO: Not that different. I mean my life is very different, of course, but my work isn't really that different. My life is different, of course, because I'm 43. My career started when I was in my 20s, so we're looking at almost 20 years since the beginning of my career. So, naturally life has changed a lot since then.
I don’t think my career has changed a whole lot – not as far as my writing is concerned, and my stream of consciousness with my writing, and my concerns and the subject matter hasn’t changed much. I've always written about interpersonal relationships, sexual shame, male ego fragility, respectability politics – things like that. I always put myself in the center of that to make those points, which I think were greatly missed when I first started writing. I think that society has changed quite a bit. People are more aware. People tell me a lot that I have always been “before my time.” I was writing about things before other people were talking about that; I was concerned about things before my generation seemed to be concerned about things. I wasn't “before my time.” I think it just seems that way to people who are late to the revolution, you know what I mean?
I retired from publishing in 2015, which was always the plan to do 10 years and retire. I was retired from my pen name and just from the business in general in 2015, I could focus on my business, my education and other things, my family. I came back to writing in 2020 over at Medium. The same friend that got me into the podcast, actually as the vice president of content over at Medium and was like, “Hey, we need some content.” I guess I’m his go-to content creator.
xoNecole: Can you expound on why you went back to your birth name versus your stage name?
EO: No, it was nothing to expound upon. I mean, writers have pen names. That’s like asking Diddy, why did he go by Sean? I didn't go back. I've always used that. Nobody was paying attention. I've never not been myself. Karrine Steffans wrote a certain kind of book for a certain kind of audience. She was invented for the urban audience, particularly. She was never meant to live more than 10 years. I have other pen names as well. I write under several names. So, the other ones are just nobody's business right now. Different pen names write different things. And Elisabeth isn’t my real name either. So you'll never know who I really am and you’ll never know what my real name is, because part of being a writer is, for me at least, keeping some sort of anonymity. Anything I do in entertainment is going to amass quite a bit because who I am as a person in my private life isn't the same a lot of times as who I am publicly.
xoNecole: I want to go back to when you published Confessions of a Video Vixen. We are now in this time where people are reevaluating how the media mistreated women in the spotlight in the 2000s, namely women like Britney Spears. So I’d be interested to hear how you feel about that period of your life and how you were treated by the media?
EO: What I said earlier. I think that much of society has evolved quite a bit. When you look back at that time, it was actually shocking how old-fashioned the thinking still was. How women were still treated and how they're still treated now. I mean, it hasn't changed completely. I think that especially for the audience, I think it was shocking for them to see a woman – a woman of color – not be sexually ashamed.
I hate being like other people. I don't want to do what anyone else is doing. I can't conform. I will not conform. I think in 2005 when Confessions was published, that attitude, especially about sex, was very upsetting. Number one, it was upsetting to the men, especially within urban and hip-hop culture, which is built on misogyny and thrives off of it to this day. And the women who protect these men, I think, you know, addressing a demographic that is rooted in trauma that is rooted in sexual shame, trauma, slavery of all kinds, including slavery of the mind – I think it triggered a lot of people to see a Black woman be free in this way.
I think it said a lot about the people who were upset by it. And then there were some in “crossover media,” a lot of white folks were upset too, not gonna lie. But to see it from Black women – Tyra Banks was really upset [when she interviewed me about Confessions in 2005]. Oprah wasn't mad [when she interviewed me]. As long as Oprah wasn’t mad, I was good. I didn't care what anybody else had to say. Oprah was amazing. So, watching Black women defend men, and Black women who had a platform, defend the sexual blackmailing of men: “If you don't do this with me, you won't get this job”; “If you don't do this in my trailer, you're going to have to leave the set”– these are things that I dealt with.
I just happened to be the kind of woman who, because I was a single mother raising my child all by myself and never got any help at all – which I still don't. Like, I'm 24 in college – not a cheap college either – one of the best colleges in the country, and I'm still taking care of him all by myself as a 21-year-old, 20-year-old, young, single mother with no family and no support – I wasn’t about to say no to something that could help me feed my son for a month or two or three.
xoNecole: We are in this post-Me Too climate where women in Hollywood have come forward to talk about the powerful men who have abused them. In the music industry in particular, it seems nearly impossible for any substantive change or movement to take place within music. It's only now after three decades of allegations that R. Kelly has finally been convicted and other men like Russell Simmons continue to roam free despite the multiple allegations against him. Why do you think it's hard for the music industry to face its reckoning?
EO: That's not the music industry, that's urban music. That’s just Black folks who make music and nobody cares about that. That's the thing; nobody cares...Nobody cares. It's not the music industry. It's just an "urban" thing. And when I say "urban," I say that in quotations. Literally, it’s a Black thing, where nobody gives a shit what Black people do to Black people. And Russell didn't go on unchecked, he just had enough money to keep it quiet. But you know, anytime you're dealing with Black women being disrespected, especially by Black men, nobody gives a shit.
And Black people don't police themselves so it doesn't matter. Why should anybody care? And Black women don't care. They'll buy an R. Kelly album right now. They’ll stream that shit right now. They don’t care. So, nobody cares. Nobody cares. And if you're not going to police yourself, then nobody's ever going to care.
xoNecole: Do you have any regrets about anything you wrote or perhaps something you may have omitted?
EO: Absolutely not. No. There's nothing that I wish I would've gone back and said to myself, no. I don’t think at 20-something years old, I'm supposed to understand every little thing. I don't think the 20-something-year-old woman is supposed to understand the world and know exactly what she's doing. I think that one of my biggest regrets, which isn't my regret, but a regret, is that I didn't have better parents. Because a 20-something only knows what she knows based on what she’s seen and what she’s been taught and what she’s told. I had shitty parents and a horrible family. Just terrible. These people had no business having children. None of them. And a lot of our families are like that. And we may pass down those familial curses.
*This interview has been edited and condensed
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Feature image courtesy of Elisabeth Ovesen
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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According To TikTok, This Wellness Concoction Is The Cheat Code To Getting That 'Slip N Slide'
Being a woman is no easy feat. Don’t get me wrong, I love it here – I do! But, it’s not for the faint of heart. And, by faint of heart, I mean men.
Here’s the short list of things we navigate (in no particular order) that make me know God is, in fact, a woman: menstruation, men (good, bad, and ugly), motherhood, and maintaining the motherfucking magic in our relationships. We hold shit down. We get shit done.
There’s simply no denying that, at our best, women are godly! We’re also imaginative, crafty, and intuitive when we allow ourselves to be. We listen to and know our bodies like no other. Though, with Western medicine and generally being displaced from our roots, I think many of us have become out of touch with what’s natural to us and for us. However, I believe we’re attempting to return to what feels right–what feels natural.
TikTok has made it a bit easier as we’ve been able to hear first-person accounts of natural remedies such as okra water and its benefits for all things womanly, and then some. You’ve seen what I’m talking about–all the hype around okra water providing additional vaginal lubrication for women and also, its ability to make for easier labor for expecting mothers.
@charleanleonora We unlocking new levels of self care. Don’t sleep on this stuff and get my e-book! 🤎 #plantbased #naturalremedy #okrawater #womenhygiene
Benefits of Drinking Okra Water
@goldennn_xo6 I hope this helps 💕 #naturalbirth #homebirth #okrawater #okraforpregnancy #naturallaboranddelivery #fypシ #fyp #thefindguru
Between its believed contributions to digestive health and blood sugar control, drinking okra water has a lot going for itself in terms of possible health benefits. One of its most sought-after benefits is the helping hand it lends to those laboring children. Though there isn't a lot of science to support these claims, there’s lots of talk about how okra water can assist with the birthing process, with labor said to be easier through reduced pain, and the added lubrication is thought to help the baby "slide out" during the actual birth.
The believed increase in vaginal lubrication that the concoction is said to create is believed to be another benefit of regularly consuming okra water. Let me add there have been women warning against just how much additional lubrication (Smuckers, gushy-gushy, that wet-wet) it can cause. And, I would say heed this warning if you are someone who feels embarrassed by maybe the idea of squirting and excessive wetness.
The bulk of the knowledge around these particular health benefits is anecdotal, and while there does seem to be other health benefits, we can’t be certain of which ones and the quantity of nutrients being infused into the water in this form.
How To Make Okra Water
@maryamjhampton Replying to @RH How I make Okra Water! #okrawater #healthtips #womenshealth
Making okra water is a rather straightforward process. The simplest way is taking okra pods (frozen or fresh but preferably organic) and putting them in an encapsulated bottle with water to soak for up to 24 hours. Once you’ve made it, rest assured it will have a very thick and slimy texture–this is where it gets subjective. I could try it and tell you my experience, but I’ve seen some people say the flavor isn’t that bad while others say that they can’t handle the texture.
But, once you’ve made the okra water, feel free to mix it in with drinks like lemonade or a complimentary tea. And, as a pro tip, you can even add mint to infuse with your water to further enhance the taste. Though, I’m thinking when people are trying to enhance the taste it’s the texture they’re trying to distract from as many people seem to think the flavor is manageable–texture? Not so much.
You can also add okra water to smoothies, or make popsicles from it – the sky’s the limit when you’re an okra pod.
I know there’s this natural urge to be distrustful of things that haven’t been proven by…well…Western medicine. Though the research is not there in that regard, it seems to be common knowledge and a useful remedy amongst the African community.
I want to point out that our ancestors disseminated and passed along information for generations anecdotally. They shared their first-hand accounts of what worked and what didn’t work. So now, here I am, sharing the stories of others because this is how we get the recipes back! I do encourage everyone to do their due diligence when going the holistic route.
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Featured image by Westend61/Getty Images