"You can't change your partner."
I'm paraphrasing, but that's what my husband said to me after he told me that I was more than welcome to leave his life if I thought that I needed to change him.
Ouch!
While we were dating, and shortly after we got married, I thought that changing a man to fit your idea of what your spouse "should be" was part of being a wife. Not once had I considered that your spouse changes for you because they want to, and not because you said so.
The day that my husband had enough of me trying to change him, he asked me several hard questions that I couldn't answer, even to this day.
"Why am I not enough for you?""Why should I change to fit your picture of what you think a spouse 'should be'?"
My husband asked me those questions more than eight years ago, and I still don't have an answer for him. He soon realized that I needed more from him as a partner, so he changed himself. I am so proud to say that he has become my very best friend, and an amazing dad to our son. But it certainly didn't come easy, and it damn sure didn't come from me changing him. He changed himself because he feels fulfillment in being everything that I need, and more.
I thought about this as I read Draya's Instagram post about why she and Orlando Scandrick broke up for the 17th time. (Okay, it hasn't been 17 times, but I honestly can't keep up with their on-again, off-again relationship. To me, breaking up with anyone more than once is one break up too many.)
She later revealed that their breakup was the result of cheating. She told another Instagram user that Orlando was being callous towards her in an attempt to force her to break up with him. She also said that she felt she could do better for herself.
"I left. Gave back the ring and left...He just deleted photos. [...] It's a pattern. I gotta do better."
I applaud Draya for putting herself first. From what I gathered from her IG post, she thought the same way about a relationship as I: If the man you want to be with doesn't fit your idea of what a spouse "should be", you try to change them.
As someone who has been there and done that, I know that she, at one point, asked herself the same questions my husband asked me more than eight years ago.
"Why is he not enough for me?""Why should I try to change him so that he can fit the picture of what I think a spouse 'should be'?"
If you feel that you have to push your partner to be a better person, then you're involved in the wrong relationship. Your idea of what a spouse should be is just that - an idea. Since I've been married, I've learned that a partner who genuinely cares about you will give you more than what you need without you having to ask. If you are unhappy, your spouse will change for you because your happiness matters more to them than anything else in the world. Your partner should feel gratitude in making you smile and protecting your heart, but you certainly don't try to change them. Why? Because...
"You can't change a person."
If you've found that your partner doesn't act as if they care about your happiness, doesn't find gratitude in protecting your heart, or isn't interested in your well-being, then it's time for you to make some changes...within yourself. Also, if they are too hung up on your past to focus on your future together, it will be hard to build trust and progress the relationship forward.
Your happiness may not matter to them, but it should matter to you. You don't have need to be with anyone who makes you unhappy. Put your happiness first, because that matters more than anything else in the world.
Hopefully, in the future, Draya will find a man who will willingly change to be a better spouse because he thinks she's an amazing person, and protecting her heart is part of a life promise he made to God. But it's sad that she had to learn things the hard way: You just can't change people.
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Since it’s Stress Awareness Month, we caught up with Keanne Owens, LCSW, founder of Journey To Harmony Therapy Center, to talk about these triggers and what Black women can do to manage and cope.
Owens is an experienced South Florida-based counselor and social worker who offers her services via Grow Therapy, a therapy and medication management platform. She has worked with Black women professionals to unpack issues related to workplace stressors. “One is the pressure to perform–having to meet deadlines and deliverables. And a lot of times, these subtle stressors from performance are put upon ourselves as Black women. We want to make sure we’re doing our best. We don’t want to be critiqued in certain ways.”
Excessive micromanagement leading to fear of overly critical bosses is another subtle trigger that can negatively impact Black women in the workplace.
“Whenever something is done wrong, or we experience some type of injustice and have to report it, it’s the fear of retaliation–[fear that] we won’t be taken seriously or [our words] will be taken out of context because of being deemed as the ‘angry Black woman,’” she said.
Black Women And Workplace Stress Triggers
Her sentiments are backed by research. A recent report by Coqual found that 28% of Black women (compared to 17% of White men) say their supervisor uses “excessive control or attention to detail” when managing them. There’s more: A survey by the National Employment Law Project found that Black workers were “more likely to have concerns (80 percent) and twice as likely as white workers (18 percent) to have unresolved concerns at work, with 39 percent reporting they were “not satisfied with the employer’s response or did not raise concerns for fear of retaliation.”
The survey also found that 14 percent of Black respondents said they “avoided raising concerns to their employer for fear of retaliation—more than twice the average rate of 6 percent for all survey respondents.”
Owens pointed to the fact that these subtle stress triggers can negatively impact our physical health and our career advancement. “A lot of time it’ll affect our productivity,” Owens added. “We start to have negative thoughts of ourselves. The stressors can also cause fatigue. We’re no longer meeting or working up to our desired potential.” Other challenges as a result include insomnia and increased insolation, withdrawal, and lack of motivation to apply for jobs or promotions even when qualified.
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How To Manage Subtle Stress Triggers
While there are systemic issues at play for Black women at work that has less to do with us and more to do with major overhauls that must be addressed by the powers that be, there are steps we can take for the betterment of ourselves and our mental health. Owens offered the following tips:
Tap into a support system, whether it’s a coworker you trust, a family member, an organization, or an outlet like a hobby.
Create a good work-life balance before burnout even starts. “Having certain boundaries [is the goal] such as, for example, if you get off at 5, you get off at 5. If your job description is this, you don’t go above and beyond because that brings you to a lot of burnout,” Owens said.
Prioritize self-care, whatever that means for you. “If you don’t have a routine, create one. Practice mindfulness and even some meditation,” she added.
Create structure in your life outside of work. “Even if you have a family, applying some structure in your routine helps relieve stress,” she said.
Get into grounding techniques. “Do a real quick square breathing exercise, that’s literally 30 seconds, or you can do a grounding technique that’s less than two minutes, right there where you are. You don’t need any other materials. That’s something you can do with just yourself and your body.”
Ask for help. “As Black women, we don’t ask for help enough,” she said. “Find where you need to ask for help. A lot of times, people think that’s indicative of weakness, but we need to rewrite that narrative. It’s okay to ask for help where you see fit. [If] you’re a mom, [it could be] every Wednesday from 5 to 6, your children are with the dad. You have to carve out that time.”
For more information on Grow Therapy, visit their website. You can also find out more about Keanne Owens, LCSW, via BeginYourJourneyToHarmony.com.
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