It's official, guys. Derek Chauvin, the ex-officer who was at the center of the murder of George Floyd, has now been convicted of the crime. To say this is an interesting turn of events is an understatement, but I'm guessing that watching a video of him kneeling on his neck for almost ten minutes, was hard to deny. In fact, Chauvin was found guilty on all counts, a verdict that could send the disgraced former Minneapolis police officer to prison for the rest of his life.
Welp.
The 12 jurors didn't want to hear the defense's claim that there might have been other medical reasons that Floyd died, saying Chauvin killed him, even if unintentionally. And although you and I know that this shouldn't even be a question, it's pretty understood that that damn justice system rarely works in our favor. The fact that the word "nervous" was trending on Twitter prior to the verdict announcement, basically tells you everything you need to know.
But then it happened. It actually happened.
Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. "The selected jury finds you guilty, Derek Chauvin."
The inner child in me wept for the years of blatant disregard for Black life, while the outer gangster in me was relieved that I could, for once, not feel the sting of inequity.
"Today, we are able to breathe again," Floyd's brother Philonise Floyd said afterward. Minnesota Attorney General Keith Ellison, whose office oversaw Chauvin's prosecution, chimed in as well, saying:
"I would not call today's verdict justice, however, because justice implies true restoration. But it is accountability, which is the first step toward justice."
But now what? What's next?
Stay on the gas.
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A major component to the outcome of this trial was the teamwork of millennials, partnered with the fearlessness of Gen-Z in Minnesota. If anything, these two generations in Minnesota is who this victory is owed to. They proved to the entire country that that quiet cousin that never says much, has those hands, and they aren't afraid to swing during the casualties of war to have their voice heard. Minnesota was like, "Peaceful protesting? Tuh. Burn dis bih down." And it was done on a scale that many of us had never experienced, or seen, before. And let's be real, had it not happened, Derek Chauvin would just be another cop who walked free, just as the previous 15K+ officers involved in a police killing have.
They hit the pavement, they demanded justice and let it be very known that anything less, would have consequences. A tone was set. It was beautiful.
But this can't be done each time. Now, it's time to work smarter.
So, identify the 'Stacey Abrams' in your city.
The 2020 election didn't go the way that many racists wanted it to, and we owe that all to a Black woman (of course). Stacey Abrams is a master in chess, outplaying her opponents at their own game. She, like Minnesota, had a few hands herself, as she defeated America with their rules. She empowered Black people to use their voice so powerfully, that these white folk are out here labeling legal and accurate votes as fraud. She has won multiple awards, has been hailed a hero, and praised for her work.
But guess what? There's a Stacey Abrams in every city. And so many go unnoticed. Identify yours. Let it be heard who they are. Listen to them. Support them. Or if you don't know where to start, get involved with Fair Fight Action.
Stay on the gas.
Pass The 'George Floyd Justice In Policing' Act
The U.S. House of Representatives passed the George Floyd Justice in Policing Act in a 220-212 vote. It was introduced by the badass, Karen Bass (a woman that you need to know) and former chairwoman of the Congressional Black Caucus.
The reintroduced bill would: prohibit profiling based on race and religion and mandate training on profiling; ban chokeholds, carotid holds and no-knock warrants; require the use of federal funds to ensure use of body cameras; establish a National Police Misconduct Registry; amend the prosecution standard for police from "willfulness" to "recklessness" and reform qualified immunity; and require stronger data reporting on police use of force.
Officers who do not comply to these measures, will be held accountable. Which is imperative to reform.
Call 202-499-6085 and tell them you're in favor of the bill.
Invest in YOUR community.
GiphySupporting your community looks different to many people. To some it could be supporting a Black business online and spending your dollars there. But the way to have true change, is to start in your community. Know your elected officials in your neighborhood. Get to know patrolling officers, know who you're dealing with. Pick up trash you may see in your area. Find out what events take place near you and support them. Visit local small businesses in your neighborhood. Spend money in your community. Don't see enough trash cans or think that a traffic light could go at that intersection? Demand these things.
It starts at home. Focus there, first and everything else will fall into place.
Last but not least, practice self-care.
Guys, we have to decompress. We have to take a step back, sometimes. We won this battle, but in order to truly win, we have to take care of self. We're are setting our sights on Daunte Wright's death, who needs our support, and moments after the Derek Chauvin verdict was announced, 16-year old Ma'khia Bryant was murdered by an officer.
Too much information is readily available at our fingertips, which takes a toll. PTSD is real, and we all suffer just because we exist in the times.
Take the time to shut the phone off. Find a new hobby. Master that thing you've been practicing, or unwind with friends. You cannot take care of anything if you don't take care of you.
And we need you.
Are you a member of our insiders squad? Join us in the xoTribe Members Community today!
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RELATED
Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
GiphyBack when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
GiphyAnd finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
____
One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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