Now y'all already know, if I could find a way to make sex have a fall theme, that in the spirit of peace and goodwill, a sista had to tie in one of the most popular holidays of the year to coitus too. To tell you the truth, it really wasn't all that hard. All I did was think about some of the things that traditionally go with Christmas and, based on what I already know about aphrodisiacs, see how they lined up with encouraging sexual desire. Hmph. You might be surprised.
As far as how to make Christmas itself the kind of sex-inspired gift that keeps on giving, be on the lookout for a few tips sooner than later (I got you). For now, as you're out 'n about doing some of your holiday shopping, I'd advise that you pick up doubles when it comes to some of the items on this list—one you can use for traditional purposes; the other, you can take into your bedroom so that you can bring a whole new meaning to yuletide cheer.
1. Eggnog
Although eggnog is not my favorite drink in the world, I can be compelled to partake of a sip or two around the holidays. Almost every time I have it, there is a part of me that wonders how it became a part of Christmas cuisine. From what I've researched, it started out in early medieval Britain (they used to drink something similar called "posset"). The combo of milk, eggs and sherry symbolized good health and prosperity. Then monks began to consume it and eventually, around the 1700s, it made its way over to us.
The reason why it qualifies as being an aphrodisiac is because the ingredients that are in it—especially the eggs, honey, vanilla and nutmeg—are things that can help to boost your libido. Eggs are a fertility symbol. Honey contains boron which regulates hormone levels and nitric oxide which intensifies arousal. The smell of vanilla causes a lot of men to have faster erections, and apparently the 50 percent ethanolic extract of nutmeg increases the sex drive; mostly the sex drive of men.
So, if you've never had or liked eggnog, maybe all of this info will inspire you to give it another shot. In the spirit of Christmas—and good sex.
2. Candy Canes
I recently read a couple of articles that said the cooling sensation of peppermint soap or diluted peppermint oil (make sure to dilute the oil; it is really strong) provides the kind of cooling effect that enhances stimulation in women and can even trigger multiple orgasms. That got me to thinking that sucking on a candy cane and then performing oral sex on your partner must be the total bomb. That's why this signature Christmastime candy made the list.
Just make sure that you use peppermint more as a topical thing than anything else. Studies reveal that the menthol in mint, when it's digested by men, can lower their testosterone, not raise it. And who wants that?
3. Gingerbread Houses
How in the world is a gingerbread house an aphrodisiac? It's due to the ginger that it's made from. Aside from the fact that the calcium, magnesium, phosphorus and potassium in ginger is great for treating motion and morning sickness, menstrual cramps and migraines, on the sexual tip, ginger significantly increases blood circulation in both men and women. The more blood that's moving around in our genital regions, the hornier we tend to be. The better our orgasms end up being too. So, spend quality time making a gingerbread house with the kids and a different kind of quality time with your partner eating it once you're done.
4. Mistletoe
This one should be obvious. I mean, "Kissing under the mistletoe"—duh. But if you've ever wondered why so many of us do that, basically it's this. Mistletoe is an evergreen plant that is a symbol of peace. People started kissing underneath it during the Greek festival of Saturnalia, believing that mistletoe protected them from misfortune, along with granting them long life as well as fertility. If that's got you sold, Home Depot, Lowe's and local nurseries typically sell it.
5. Hot Chocolate
You've probably heard somewhere before that chocolate—preferably dark chocolate—is an aphrodisiac. The reason why is because the chemicals phenylethylamine and serotonin that are in it will not only improve your mood, they are considered to be sexual stimulants as well. Some health experts say that you'll get the most sexual benefits out of chocolate if you eat four ounces, on a daily basis, that is made out of 70 percent cocoa. A fun way to get some of those ounces in is to drink some hot chocolate—or to make some chocolate body paint. Or…do both.
6. Figgy Pudding
I don't think I've ever had figgy pudding before (if any of y'all have, let me know in the comments how it tastes). But I have heard a few Christmas songs that mentions it, so yeah, it makes this list too. The main reason is because figs are considered to be an aphrodisiac fruit. A lot of people think this because they like the smell and texture of fresh figs. Also, the antioxidants, flavonoids, fiber, antioxidants and potassium that are in figs are surefire libido booster. And, since figs are a symbol of love and fertility, it can't hurt to at least have a slice of some homemade figgy pudding cake, right?
7. Pine
Back when I was a Christmas-observer, something that I adored was the smell of a live Christmas tree in my home. Well, believe it or not, pine pollen is a proven aphrodisiac. Aside from the 200 nutrients that it contains, the fact that it has DHEA in it, that means that pine pollen also levels out testosterone and estrogen in our bodies. Since it can also help with muscle pain, headaches and nausea, why not keep some of it in your house?
8. Ribbons
A woman had me cracking up when she told me that while she loves to be tied up during sex, what will turn her off instantly is if a man pulls out a pair of handcuffs. "How woke can a ninja be if he thinks that with all of this police brutality going on that I want to reenact that bulls—it?" I mean and I'm sayin'.
To me, the alternative would be satin ribbons. They are definitely a Christmas tradition, they are softer and sexier than cuffs and, if you use them instead of cuffs, you won't have to worry about you or your partner being triggered. #MerryChristmas
9. Sleighs
I've been sledding before; it's fun. I've never actually been on a sleigh ride before (you know, when a horse or some reindeer are actually pull the sled), but I will definitely put it on my bucket list. Know what else is going to go on there? The sleigh ride sex position. What the heck is that? From what I've seen and read, it's a spin on reverse cowgirl. The twist is, rather than the woman doing most of the work, her partner (who is lying on his back with his knees slightly bent) helps her out by lightly lifting her pelvis up and meeting her halfway with each thrust. A sleigh ride indeed!
10. Stockings
As far as the Christmas tradition of stockings goes, from what I've read, St. Nicolas once heard about a man who was too poor to pay for his daughters' dowries so that they could marry. The man was also too proud to accept handouts, so one night, St. Nick climbed down the man's chimney and put gold coins in his daughter's stockings (hmm…).
Fast forward to 2019 and, as a male friend and I were discussing what can make a sex life go stale, something that he said was, "When women stop dressing up. It can be just as fun to take off sexy clothes as it is to have sex." When I asked him if there was a particular article of clothing that turned him on especially, he paused for a minute, smiled and then said, "Stockings."
That's cute because I once read another man describe stockings as being "jewelry for women's legs".
That's why stockings are on this list. Extra points are definitely given if they are thigh-highs (like these). Based on the tradition and what the guy shared with me, when stockings are around, all sorts of nice surprises end up…popping up.
11. Toys
Toys ain't just for children. In fact, this is how much the xoTribe is a fan of sex toys. There's the article "8 Crème De La Crème Sex Toys You Can Buy On A Budget". There's "5 Discreet Vibrators That Will Fit Into Your Carry-On". There are also "A $2K Sex Toy Gave Me The Ride (& The Orgasm) Of My Life" and "Yoni Investments: 4 Standards Your Sex Toys Should Meet". So, if you'd like to gift yourself with a toy of your own, those articles should help you out. Or, you can get ahead of the 2020 sex toy trends and treat yourself to a tongue vibrator. (Have mercy!)
12. Color Red
Red is definitely a signature hue for Christmas. As far as color psychology goes, red symbolizes love, passion, energy, sex and intensity. So, if you're trying to figure out what to get your partner, you can never go wrong with some new red lingerie or even some red satin sheets—even if they're just for Christmas Eve or Christmas night. Make it a very Merry Christmas—and to ALL a good night!
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Featured image by Shutterstock
Originally published on December 12, 2019
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
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Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Personally, that is just one of the things I experienced while growing up, although the main reason why I’ve been estranged from my mother for (I think) about six years now (I honestly haven’t really been keeping track at this point) is because she simply doesn’t respect my boundaries. Even well into my adulthood, she has refused to do it and it was messing with my inner peace and personal growth on a few different levels — and y’all, I don’t care who it is, no one should have that kind of power over someone else’s life (if you want to read more about my journey with estrangement, I tackle the topic in my latest book).
And before some of you come with the ever-so-manipulated Bible verse “Honor your father and mother” (Exodus 20:12), I hope you also remember that there is a Scripture that says, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4 — NKJV) To provoke is “to stir up, arouse, or call forth (feelings, desires, or activity)”; know what else it is: “to anger, enrage, exasperate, or vex.” Funny how it is not preached or taught nearly enough that parents are absolutely not supposed to raise their kids or treat their adult children in a way that angers, enrages, exasperates, or vexes them — and think about it: when’s the last time you heard a sermon on that? I’ll wait.
Besides, unless you’re someone who has made the courageous decision to put distance between the person/people who’ve raised you, you honestly don’t get how much of a sacrifice it can be. Very few of us are flippant about that decision. Very few of us saw our adult life without our parent(s) in it. Very few of us wanted to deal with all of the “fallout” that comes with making that kind of choice because listen, for me, it’s almost like being in witness protection in the sense of having to also leave certain people who are associated with her alone as well because either they also don’t respect boundaries or they try further victimize me by attempting to impose their opinions into something that they absolutely shouldn’t (for instance, when I shared what I went through with her, one of my closest friends at the time, more than once called me “petty”…yeah, he had to go; you don’t have to defend why you need to protect yourself…if you are doing that, those are unsafe people you are talking to).
It’s not like I’m rare either. In fact, it’s been reported that close to 30 percent of adults are currently estranged from at least one of their parents (you can read about it here, here, here, here, and here). And with that being said, today, we’re going to hear from 10 women (well, technically 12 if you include the videos at the beginning and end) as they share their own reasons why they made the decision to go “no contact” with their own parent/parents.
If you are estranged, I hope you will see that you are not alone. If you aren’t, I hope it will help you to have more compassion for those who have made this kind of choice. Because although “adulthood is surviving childhood” is true for many of us, it actually wasn’t supposed to be that way. And so, we’ve had to take great lengths to go from “surviving” to “flourishing”…even if that meant doing it without the ones who — alongside God, of course — created us.
Article continues after the video.
*Middle names are used so that people can speak freely*
1. Michelle. 32. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“My mother is a narcissist — only I didn’t know it because I didn’t have much to compare her to because she kept me away from a lot of…everything. Ironically, that is a telling sign that you’ve got a narcissistic parent: they think you are an extension of them, so they try and make you do everything just like them. Since they are so bad at respecting boundaries, they don’t care how old you are — they think they have a say in every decision that you make because their ego is bigger than their love.
It took me years of therapy to recognize this but once I did and I told my mom that she was hypercritical, that she used to pit me and my siblings against each other, that she only knows how to gaslight and manipulate — she played the victim and told me that if I couldn’t accept her as she was, we couldn’t have a relationship.
That’s another thing about narcissist: they hate accountability. I think there should be more articles about parents who are estranged from their kids because they pull that ‘my way or the highway’ BS. I didn’t exactly leave my mom, but I did tell her what I wasn’t going to tolerate. We haven’t spoken in four years, ever since I drew that line. She left because she didn’t know how to humble herself, and I am fine with that. Arrogant people are toxic to be around.”
2. Iyan. 36. Estranged from Her Parents for 11 Years.
Giphy“I don’t think that a lot of parents get that they act like their kids should idolize them, which is crazy. We’re not toys or puppets who are supposed to do whatever they say, whenever they say it. Even as a parent myself, I think there is a difference between a child’s individuality and a child obeying me. Too many other parents have too much ego to think the differences through. To your question — I am estranged from my parents because they disapproved of who I chose to marry. He’s not the same faith as them but I don’t think that would even matter because they damn near betrothed me when I was a kid.
They wanted to choose my career path, my husband, my role in church — everything. It got to the point where they were disrespecting my husband, our relationship, and my feelings, and so it was time to boomerang their own Bible and remind them that when you get married, you ‘leave and cleave’ to your spouse and move on from your family. If your family accepts that, they can be in your life. If not, you’ve got to move on. They chose for me to be estranged, not me. I put my husband first, just like I was supposed to.”
3. Jahkai. 29. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“Sometimes I think that people just have children so that they can have someone to boss around as kids and intimidate when they become adults. My mother is one of those people because it’s like her whole existence centers around trying to force me to live the life that she wants me to live. I used to be so afraid of her, even if that just meant afraid of her rejection, that I would go along with it.
Then I got pregnant with my daughter and saw that she wasn’t even going to respect me as a mom — and when I saw signs that she was going to try and pull that shit with my own child? The claws came out. I tried expressing my concerns and setting some boundaries, but she dismissed my feelings and walked right over my boundaries, so she had to go. There was no way that she was going to try and raise the child I birthed. My child needs peace. So do I.”
4. Gillian. 24. Estranged from Her Parents for Almost Two Years.
Giphy“I’m bisexual. That’s the beginning and end of it. I personally think it’s creepy when a parent can be so invested into their grown child’s sexuality that it ends up wrecking their own world. You sleep with who you want to sleep with, and I will do the same.
My parents don’t see it that way. They told me that unless I stop loving women, we have nothing to talk about. You only love me if I love who and how you love? That doesn’t sound like love at all.
I don’t expect my parents to agree with my life or even like it. I just don’t want you penalizing me because we are different. Seems really immature to be any other way…to me, anyway.”
5. Aubrie. 27. Estranged from Father for Four Years.
Giphy“My father always wanted me to be an accountant, and I hate math. That’s insane. That’s what happens when you don’t make the time to get to know your own children. So many parents are egomaniacs in that way — just because I look like you doesn’t mean that I am you. Until my sophomore year in college, I just held my tongue and suffered through my education because when I was living at home, I didn’t really have a choice, and when I went to school, my parents paid for my education.
They didn’t want me to have any debt, and I appreciated that, but my spirit was going into debt anyway because my dad had me on a path that I didn’t like or want, and my mom was too weak to speak up for either one of us. By my junior year, I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to get student loans, so that I could start over and major in English. That pissed my dad off two ways because I was changing my major and I was going to take on debt.
We’re not estranged in the classic sense. It’s more like he doesn’t come to the phone whenever I call, and he grunts words over the holidays. So, I call less and go home even less than that. We’re headed towards ‘no contact’ if he doesn’t get over the fact that he has a life, and so do I.”
6. Lameeya. 41. Estranged from Her Mother for Eight Years.
Giphy“My mother? I just don’t like her — I never really have. I can’t stand how we’ll all agree that you should choose your friends wisely, but when it comes to your blood, it’s like you should be all in their lap simply because they are related to you. Toxic is toxic, and my mother is the embodiment of that. She plays mind games. She manipulates. She gaslights. She’s spoiled and entitled. I would never pick her as a friend. She drains me in every way. It’s like whenever I would even sense that she was going to call or come around, I would get hives, and it got to the point where it didn’t make sense that I should suffer just because she’s my mother. Who came up with that?”
7. Sloane. 25. Estranged from Her Mother for One Year.
Giphy“I grew up COGIC. If you know, you know. When you’re a kid, you don’t know any different or better, but once I started to seek out my own path, I realized that Christianity just wasn’t for me. My mother damn near lives at church and so, of course, I was declaring that I wanted to go to hell in her eyes when I told her that I had chosen the Baháʼí faith. Christians can be so rude. Somehow, they want you to respect what they believe, but they are so comfortable preaching hell and damnation if you don’t think like them.
Anyway, a part of why I chose Baháʼí is because it’s very peaceful to me, and religion never brought me peace in my mother’s house. Now that I’m all about this peace-filled life, anything that is ‘anti’ it has to go. She was on the top of my list. If you can’t respect what makes me ‘me,’ why are you here? It’s just been a year now. If we remain out of contact, that’s kind of on her, but I have no desire to hear her preach every time we speak. Be my mom. I don’t want a pastor.”
8. Torrin. 33. Estranged from Her Parents for Six Years.
Giphy“You have your own dysfunctional issues going on if you think that you owe someone your sanity simply because they birthed you. A good parent doesn’t just give you life — they provide a safe environment for that life, and my parents didn’t.
My mother was hell on wheels, and my father was a weak man who let her be that way. She was controlling, erratic, and exhausting, while he just let it all happen.
I recently read that Khloe Kardashian said that her mom didn’t like it when she first started therapy. Controlling parents never do. It took me a lot of therapy to stop beating myself up mentally the way that my mother did emotionally and sometimes physically, but once I got that she was the problem and healing was the solution, I had no problem letting them both go: her for being abusive and my father for being complacent.”
9. Kristine. 40. Estranged from Her Mother for Six Months.
Giphy“You always want your parents to get along with your husband — I just didn’t bet on my mother loving him more than me, especially now that we are divorced. That man cheated on me, more than once, and although I didn’t tell my mom while we were married about it, once we separated and I explained why I made what was a really difficult decision for me, she kept finding excuses for him and even tried to make me feel bad for not trying to make it work. Divorces are hard, and the last thing I needed was my mother trying to ‘beat me up’ for standing up for myself.
Now I’ve got questions about her marriage because if you think that I should tolerate nonsense, have you been tolerating your husband’s? Has he been tolerating yours? You get a certain age, and you start to wonder how much projecting your parents do onto you. Anyway, we haven’t talked to each other in six months. She and my ex apparently still go out to dinner, though. You two enjoy.”
10. Madolyn. 45. Estranged from her Father for 20 Years.
Giphy“I had an abusive father. He was an alcoholic while I was growing up, and so fear instead of love kept me in communication with him once I became an adult. The plot twist is, he got clean while I was in college, but he suddenly had all kinds of amnesia about the pain that he caused. His apologies were sh-t like ‘I don’t remember that, but if you need me to apologize, okay.’ So, our lives were a living hell, and that’s all you’ve got because it hurts you too much to face it? Ain’t that a bitch.
The last time we spoke was right before I turned 25. I think someone is more harmful when they can’t own their sh-t than when they are actually doing it, because that means they could do it again. No thanks. I’ll take wholeness.”
____
As you can see, being estranged from a parent, going “no contact” with them, it has many layers, reasons, and scenarios. For me, as I listened to all of these women, what did come to my mind, though, is — how beautiful is it that, if the “beauty for ashes” in their stories is they had the strength to become self-aware, self-sufficient and healthy adults in spite of the cracks in their foundation, then there is a silver lining in it all. You should never feel guilt or shame for protecting yourself in ways that your parents absolutely should have. NOT. EVER.
And so, the sacrifice was well worth it — because ladies, look at you now. Salute.
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