Explore your sign’s 2024 horoscope predictions to learn what is in store for you this year in love, career, and more. Check out the love compatibility of each sign to learn more about zodiac pairings and all things compatibility.
August is a month of opportunity, and having patience with your progress. There are a lot of new beginnings and successful experiences flowing through the stars, but Mercury also goes retrograde this month, and there is a need to slow down right now as well. The month begins in Leo Season, and whenever the Sun is in a fire sign, it is always a more dynamic, passionate, and intense time for the collective.
With the New Moon of the month in Leo as well on August 4, things are heating up pretty quickly in August. The New Moon is the perfect time to set your intentions for the month and to also set your intentions for your self-confidence, personal success, and what’s going to make your heart shine. Not only do we have a New Moon on August 4, but Venus also enters the earth sign Virgo on this day as well, where she will remain until August 29.
Venus in Virgo brings more stable energy to relationship matters, and this is a time when the heart heals, priorities are recognized and unconditional love is favored. Venus in Virgo is selfless and gives love for the sake of being there for someone.
This is a good time to gain clarity within romantic matters, and to figure out what is going to be best for your health and well-being overall.
What August 2024 Has In Store For Your Zodiac Sign
Mercury goes retrograde in August and will be retrograde in Virgo from August 5 until August 14, and then in Leo from August 14 until August 28. During the Mercury retrograde in Virgo transit, it’s all about the mind and finding healing here. Mercury is Virgo's planetary ruler so there is overall more magic felt with this transit than your typical Mercury retrograde because Virgo understands Mercury and vice versa.
While Mercury is retrograde in Leo for a few weeks, this energy may bruise some egos but overall allows people to gain clarity on self-expression, how they show up, and how they want to show up.
With all Mercury retrograde, communication matters should be taken with some extra precaution, hold off on signing any contracts unless necessary, and be more flexible with plans and changes that occur.
On August 19, we have one of the more potent Full Moons of the year, and that is the Supermoon in Aquarius, which also happens to be the Blue Moon of the year. This Supermoon is bringing in a lot of change, a lot of clarity, and the outcomes of what you have been committing to. This is a good time to let go of restrictive, self-imposed ideas of yourself, honor your freedom, and look at your authenticity with a renewed vision and sense of love. The Sun in Leo will be beaming support to us throughout the month, and this connection and support from the universe will especially be felt on this Supermoon.
Virgo Season officially begins on August 22, and it’s time to get organized, heal, do the work, and give a helping hand. When the Sun is in Virgo, we feel more inspired to get things done and take care of our well-being and the well-being of others, and this is overall a time when a lot is accomplished.
Venus enters Libra on August 29 before the month ends, and Venus is the ruling planet of Libra and feels at home here. We are leaving August with a sense of love renewed, the mind healed, and the past put behind us for good.
Read for your sun sign and rising sign below to see what the month has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
August is a month of claiming your peace, Aries. You are in a place in your life where you have learned a lot and grown even more, and now it’s time to live in this space of renewal. You are mentally ready to heal, and there is support and encouragement around you to do so. The month begins with the Sun in your 5th house of romance, hobbies, happiness, and self-expression, and with a New Moon here on August 4, you are walking into August feeling a little more optimistic than usual. Set your intentions for the things you want to see highlighted more in your life.
Moving further into the month, there is a Super Blue Moon in Aquarius happening on August 19, and this Supermoon is a chance for you to gain clarity within your friendships and community in life.
This Full Moon is the perfect opportunity for you to let go of the idea that you are separate from the people around you, and to find gratitude in the support that is coming in for you now. Before August ends, Venus moves into your opposite sign, Libra, and this is good news for love. You are ending the month with a new sense of well-being, self-trust, and emotional harmony.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
August is all about letting go, Taurus. You are working through a lot right now, and with the stars aligning in your 4th house of home and family for most of the month, you need some extra support and protection. This is the time to let go of the idea of how you thought things would be right now and to trust more in where they are. When Venus moves into your house of romance from August 4 until August 29, you are going to be in a good space to receive love but will have to remember to let it come to you more rather than force it.
On August 14, Mercury goes retrograde in your 4th house, and this is a good time to review matters of the home. Is your environment a space where you feel comfortable and authentic? Or are there certain things you can move around or different people you can be around? It’s all about checking in with your emotional world this month and starting from there. Before August comes to an end, a Supermoon is occurring in your 10th house of career, and some work matters are coming full circle for you now. You are receiving more support and recognition as you end the month, and remember this is a reflection of the work you’ve done within, and the love you have for yourself.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
August is a month of success and empowerment for you, Gemini. You are feeling on top of it right now and are being seen as the successful being you are. Even though the month begins with your ruling planet going retrograde, you are navigating this time with inspiration and empowerment, and are seeing progress made. The New Moon of the month is occurring on August 4, and this New Moon is creating a breakthrough for you communication-wise. Channels are clearing, and you are getting a fresh start to use your voice, speak your mind, and create a bridge of connection to others.
Mercury, your ruling planet, will be retrograde in your 4th house from August 5 until August 14, and this is a good time to heal, spend more time at home, and nourish your inner world.
Challenges with family or close loved ones may arise during this time, and it’s showing you overall what you need to feel supported and what those around you may need as well. On August 19, there is a Supermoon in your 9th house of adventure, travel, and the higher mind, and you are moving through life with clarity. This Supermoon is a big eye-opener for you, and you are moving mountains and chasing dreams. Overall, you are rising above and claiming your power in August, Gemini.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
You are renewing financially this month, Cancer. August is a month of stepping up to the plate, working on your goals, and receiving more positive feedback. A lot of the focus of the month is on your finances, with the Sun in your second house for most of August, and you are creating a new sense of abundance in your life. With Mercury going retrograde for a few weeks at the start of the month, you are taking this time to heal any miscommunications you have been having and to take more time to understand yourself and your mind.
As a Cancer, the Full Moon of the month is always an important time for you since you are ruled by the Moon. This month, we have a Super Blue Moon in Aquarius on August 19, and you are feeling especially emotional, passionate, and empowered during this time.
This Supermoon is a chance for you to take the lead on the transformations you are moving through in your life, and to let go of some of the fears that have been keeping you away from living your truth and feeling as abundant as you should. Before August ends, Venus moves into your 4th house, the house that Cancer rules, and you will truly feel at home, supported, and in tune this month.
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
You are in a good space this month, Leo. You are feeling in harmony emotionally, and have a good balance between the give and take in your life. Not only is August the heart of Leo Season, but it’s also a time when new beginnings occur. On August 4, there is a New Moon in Leo, and this is really when you are going to be experiencing a fresh start in your life. This is a good New Moon to set your intentions for your progress, confidence, and the way you see yourself or want to show up in the world. On the same day, Venus moves into your 12th house of closure, and this new beginning may come through by letting something go in the process.
Mercury will be retrograde from August 5 until August 28 and will be retrograde in your sign from August 14 until August 28. Take your time with what you are pushing forth right now, and be a little more cautious with what you are communicating and how you are expressing it. Before the month ends, there is a Supermoon in your opposite sign, Aquarius, and this is providing the healing and compassion in love that you have been looking for. This Supermoon is about letting go of your past relationships to honor the new ones that are blooming for you now.
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
August is a month of financial success for you, Virgo. You are receiving the energy you have put out there, and that means an increase of abundance, support, and balance in your life. Your intentions are manifesting for you, and this is a good month for feeling supported by the work you have done. Venus enters Virgo at the start of August and will be in your sign from August 4 until August 29, making love and financial matters more favorable for you during this time.
Extra support and love are here for you this month, and this is needed with Mercury going retrograde. Mercury retrograde begins in your sign and ends in Leo this month.
It will be retrograde in Virgo from August 5 until August 14, and your guidance for this time is to take things a little slower, trust your process, and not get ahead of yourself or the things you are bringing forth right now. Virgo Season officially begins on August 22 this year, and it’s your time to shine! Virgo Season this year is bringing a lot of transformation, and August is the perfect month to thrive and flourish before a change of energy comes into play.
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
New beginnings are here for you emotionally this month, Libra. This month is bringing you a fresh start, but it’s coming through by putting in the work and taking time to listen to your heart more. August begins with Venus moving into Virgo from August 4 through August 29 until it enters your sign. While Venus is in Virgo, she is in your 12th house of closure, and you are letting go of the past in love in order to renew and enjoy the gifts of the present. Don’t bring what happened back then into what can happen for you in the future in love, and give yourself a clean slate this month.
Mercury goes retrograde in August and will be retrograde in your 11th house from August 14 until August 28. Give your friendships and your hopes and dreams some time to bloom without getting too caught up in perfection or the ego right now. Remember, everything happens for a reason this month, and that the universe is working with you and not against you. Venus officially enters your sign on August 29 where she will be until September 22, and you enter a month of love. The new beginnings you are seeing in your love life at the end of the month are here to stay, and you are getting the opportunity to experience a deeper connection to romance.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
August is about living a fulfilled life, Scorpio. Things are coming full circle for you, and you are growing immensely. The month begins with a New Moon in your 10th house of career and reputation, and this is a good time to set intentions for your dreams. Remember how supported and loved you are, and recognize where your skills and talents are and how you can capitalize and support yourself more here. This is a successful month for you, and you will feel these opportunities coming through during this New Moon.
Mercury goes retrograde for a few weeks this month and will be retrograde in your 10th house of career, and then your 11th house of friendship. Don’t lose sight of what you have been working towards and remember how hard you have worked to get here.
The people who are meant for you will support you along the way, and the people who are not will be made clear to you during this time. Venus enters your 12th house of endings, closure, dreams, and spirituality before the month ends, and you are ending August ready to heal, create, and understand your inner world better.
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
This month is all about going at your own pace, Sagittarius. You are learning the importance of being a little kinder to yourself and showing yourself grace no matter who else is. August begins with Mercury going retrograde in your 10th house of career from August 5 until August 14, and you have a lot to think about right now. You may not be receiving the feedback you are looking for during this time, and it’s teaching you something about unwavering confidence. This isn’t the best time to start a new job or career or to push something out there, but it is a good time to think about your purpose in this area of your life, what you want to be known for, and how you want to shine in the world.
The Supermoon in Aquarius on August 19, is going to be a good time for you in regards to communication matters, and this is when you are feeling more clear-headed in the month. This Full Moon is about letting go of mental conflicts and confusion and being around people who make you feel safe, seen, and understood. Venus moves into your 11th house of friendship, community, and hopes and dreams on August 29, and you are leaving the month feeling more supported than you have been, which is reminding you how valuable and worthy you have been all along.
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
Life comes full circle for you in August, Capricorn. Financial success is flowing through your world, and there are a lot of opportunities and support in your life right now. The month begins with the Sun in your 8th house of intimacy, shared finances, spirituality, and transformation, and you are receiving some extra financial support and clarity this month. On August 5, Mercury goes retrograde in your 9th house until August 14, and this isn’t the best time to travel or overdo it. Take your time right now, and think things through before taking action.
The New Moon and Full Moon of the month are both highlighting your finances and are creating progress for you here. On August 4, the New Moon in your 8th house is a good time to set your intentions for what you want to do on a daily basis, and how you want to receive financial support and feedback by doing so.
On August 19, there is a Super Blue Moon in your 2nd house of income, and this is really when you are going to be experiencing some fortunate opportunities financially. This is a good month for financial matters, and it’s all about letting go of the idea that you are not worthy of the things you have been working toward.
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
Happy outcomes are coming into your life in August, Aquarius. You have been working hard on creating and living the life you dream of, and you are seeing this energy flourish in your life this month. The happiness you are feeling is contagious, and you are attracting a lot of support and success in your life in August with the Sun and a lot of the energy in your sister sign, Leo, your heart, and your emotional world are where a lot of the action is now. This all begins with a New Moon in your 7th house on August 4, and this is a good time to set your intentions for romance, relationship matters, balance, and also your finances.
Mercury goes retrograde in this same area of your chart from August 14 until August 28, and your guidance for this time is not to lose sight of all the progress you have made in love when a few challenges arise. Take any miscommunications that may happen now as a learning ground for your relationships, and choose the high road when you can. At the end of August, there is a Super Blue Moon in your sign, and this is one of the more powerful Full Moons of 2024. With this energy being in your sign, you are the one in the spotlight right now, and it’s time to soak in the confidence, empowerment, and success you are feeling now.
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
This month is all about having patience with yourself and with love, Pisces. The month begins with the Sun in your 6th house of health, work, and daily routine, and with a New Moon occurring here on August 4 as well. With all of this energy in your 6th house, you are taking a look at your lifestyle, what works for you, and what makes you feel purposeful. On August 4, Venus also moves into your opposite sign, Virgo, and love is coming full circle for you now, and you are thriving in this energy.
Love this month is experiencing a renewal, and a lot of this is coming from the different choices you are making when it comes to your health and overall well-being in life.
Mercury will be retrograde in your 6th house from August 14 until Mercury goes direct on August 28, and what this means for you is a chance to rethink and restrategize. A lot of this month is guiding you towards what is best for you and your daily life, however, it’s up to you to choose for yourself. Be careful with overcommitting right now, but make sure you are doing the work to put yourself and your heart in a good place. Overall, there is a lot to think about this month, but if you can trust yourself and your process, you will see an evolution in your life.
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Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
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I’ve never been married before (which is how I personally define single), so did that trigger me? Eh. Trigger isn’t the right word (check out “Single Women: Yes, You Are Qualified To Talk About Relationships”); more like, it reminded me of how tired I am of, again, shallow and gross generalizations. You see, I’ve been a marriage life coach, successfully so, for over 20 years now and I’m even super proud to say that I’ve been able to help to reconcile a few divorces along the way — something that I don’t personally know any therapist, counselor or life coach, married or not, to have done. You see, when you have a purpose, are committed to it, and take evolving in it seriously, “status” and people’s opinions don’t hinder it.
Hmph, if anything, let me tell it, folks should applaud singles who respect marriage enough to not want to just…do it…just to be doing it. Besides, as I oftentimes say, with the divorce rate what it is (still holding at around 50 percent, by the way), seems like even married people (and a lot of divorced folks) are out here “crap shooting” when it comes to providing insights on how to make a marriage work and last — in a healthy way (which is key) too.
And just what does all of this possibly have to do with today’s topic? Well, because life is full of cynical people (chile, I am well aware), if anything has the potential to rub some folks the wrong way it would be what we’re about to touch on — at least, on the onset. Because what’s a very popular saying out in these internet streets: “Relationships, especially marriage, are hard work,” right? And here I come, with my single self, pushing back on that — AND I AM.
And you know what? Due to a philosophy that I both have and implement into my coaching, I have seen many married couples shift from “hard work” to marital maintenance. And a big part of it has been because we have worked through the following seven points — and that has altered, shoot, everything.
Are you ready to hear why this single woman believes what she does about the whole “It really doesn’t have to be grueling” thing?
Let’s proceed.
Toiling vs. Maintenance. Let’s Discuss.
GiphyThe first time that I recall being introduced to the word “toil,” was in the Bible, after God gave Adam and Eve their consequences for what went down at the tree. Eve was told that she would submit to her husband and experience pain during labor and Adam was told that he would have to toil for his provision (Adam was to toil not Eve — some of y’all will catch that later — Genesis 3:14-21).
Toil is a rough word. It means “hard and continuous work” and “exhausting labor or effort.” Some synonyms for toil include exertion, pains, sweat, drudgery, and strain. As a result of Adam and the Woman (Eve’s name prior to sin — Genesis 2:18-25), Adam was going to have to work hard, continuously so, to meet a lot of his and his family’s needs. Toiling was the result of not listening. Bookmark that.
When it comes to relationships being hard work, while there are definitely seasons when a couple will have to put in more sweat (and tears) equity to get through more than others (because some seasons throw more stress and curveballs than others), if they constantly feel like their union is a form of toiling? Something is definitely up — and not in a good way.
Personally, I liken relationships to starting a garden: although, in the beginning, you may have to put in a lot to prepare the soil, remove the rocks, fertilize, plant, etc., once you get your groove and you make it a point to care for your garden on a daily basis, then it transitions into mere maintenance:
Maintenance: the act of maintaining; means of upkeep, support, or subsistence; livelihood
Maintain: to keep in existence or continuance; preserve; retain; to keep in an appropriate condition, operation, or force; keep unimpaired; to keep in a specified state, position, etc.; to affirm; assert; declare; to support in speech or argument, as a statement or proposition; to keep or hold against attack; to provide for the upkeep or support of; carry the expenses of; to sustain or support
Synonyms: cultivate (that’s a good one); manage; guard; renew; repair; supply; protect; provide; retain; uphold; persevere; advocate; hold; insist; stand by
Toiling (hard work) vs. maintenance (to keep in existence) — do you see how, while they both certainly require effort, one is way more straining and stress-filled than the other? And do you also get a bit more of why I am a firm believer that if folks are willing to “maintain their relationship garden,” expressing on-loop about how hard things are, that simply doesn’t have to be the case?
So, what causes so many folks to believe that relationships are more like toiling instead of maintenance? Good question.
1. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’re Not with the Right Person
GiphyThere is a divorced woman and an engaged man who I find myself being like, “Naw, that’s not everyone; that’s YOU” whenever they tell me or I hear them tell other people about how hard marriage is. The divorced woman?
To this day, I definitely will stand by the fact that she had one of the most unhealthy marriages that I had ever witnessed and a big part of it was because she ignored rows of red flags before saying “I do” — his totally dysfunctional relationship with his mother; his very odd views on religion and race; the fact that he didn’t have many friends (and that he was low-key disrespectful to hers); how selfish and controlling he was (and still is); his very shallow views on therapy…oh, I could go on and on.
She married him anyway and so, what did she think was going to happen? That her marriage was going to be easy street? With a man like that?
As far as the engaged guy goes, I don’t think I’ve seen him and his fiancée go 10 days without some kind of a drag-out argument. He is constantly wanting to feel respected and she is constantly feeling unheard. He has been married before and felt the same way in his other relationship. And so, when he says that relationships are hard work — sir, you keep picking the same kind of person over and over again. Not getting a lesson in life and repeating it until you do? Yep, that is hard work.
And that’s why the first thing that must be addressed when it comes to “hard work relationships” is if you’re with someone who really isn’t your best fit — because…have you ever tried to put a puzzle piece into a spot where it doesn’t belong? That is indeed some hard work. On the other hand, when it goes where it was designed to, it slides in with ease.
I could go on and on about this point; however, I think y’all get the gist. Plus, there is more ground to cover, so let’s continue…
2. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You Don’t Put in Daily Intentional Effort
GiphyIf someone were to ask you how much time, on average, couples spend together on a daily basis, what would you say? If you have no clue, let me give you a hint: it’s the same amount of time that most people also spend on social media: 2.5 hours. This literally means that folks are out here prioritizing their relationship in the same way that they do their Instagram account — and that is a damn shame.
When it comes to relationships, one of my favorite quotes is, “People change and forget to tell each other.” And this is probably the reason why a lot of individuals, when asked why their relationship ended, will simply shrug and say, “We just grew apart.” Did you — or did you not put in daily effort to maintain — guard, renew, supply, uphold, and manage — your relationship? Because really, if you’ve got 24 hours in a day, 168 hours in a week, and roughly 720 hours in a month (depending on how many days are in said month) and only a tiny bit of that time is spent on your relationship, how could trying to play catch-up not feel like hard work to you?
While growing up, I would go to visit my dad and great-grandparents in Dallas every summer. A memory that I have is my great-grandfather watering the lawn, every evening, like clockwork. He had the best lawn on the block too. He wasn’t sweating and struggling while he was out there with his water hose. That man would sit in a lawn chair and kick right on back — because he was maintaining his yard…daily.
If a lot of couples were honest, they would admit that they put more time into, shoot, everything else BUT their relationship — and that’s why it feels like hard work so much. If that’s you, devote that social media time to your bae. See how much it improves and enhances your dynamic when you do. It just might surprise you.
3. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’ve Got a Toxic “Support System”
GiphyWanna know something that really makes a relationship hard? Having moments of struggle and having family members and friends who only have negative things to say. This is another reason why it amazes me that folks think that single people are automatically relationally problematic to married folks (as far as advice and insight go) when my clients tell me that it’s mostly MARRIED AND DIVORCED INDIVIDUALS who they get some of the worst advice from as far as how they should handle their “valley situations.”
Whew, there is nothing like someone claiming to tell you that they are looking out for you when really, they are just projecting their own toxic mess onto you — and that happens…a lot. And when you don’t have people around who are fans of marriage and advocates of yours (not either or…both), when you need someone to lean on, pray for you, offer insight that will “get you to the other side” and no one’s around — of course, that can make your relationship feel like really hard work. Of course, you are going to toil.
Right now, I have a friend who is going through one of the hardest times in her marriage. Guess who she’s talking to a lot? Me. Why? “I know that you will never encourage me to leave my husband,” she has said — and she’s right. Meanwhile, she’s got some married people who are talking about what they wouldn’t put up with or tolerate. This man isn’t abusing my friend. They are simply having a challenging time. It happens. What she needs is the kind of support that is going to “fuel her” through this part of her journey — not a group of folks who bring new meaning to misery loves company (online or off, by the way).
Yeah, surrounding yourself with poison when you are going through a relationship trial? That can definitely make marriage feel like it’s really, really hard work.
4. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You Fail to Take Accountability
GiphyEver notice that when people talk about why their marriage failed, 8.5 times out of 10, they will go on and on about what their former spouse did or didn’t do and yet will say absolutely nothing about what they could’ve/should’ve done better?
That’s called not taking personal accountability and it actually helps to explain why the divorce rate significantly increases with second (67 percent) and third (73 percent) marriages — people are so busy thinking that someone else is the problem and so all they need to do is “push reset” with a new person when all that does is amplify the point of one of my all-time favorite quotes: “Everywhere you go, there you are.” (I believe it’s Confucious who originated that.)
Accountability helps you to take responsibility for your actions. Accountability helps you to see where you can stand to improve. Accountability helps you to take constructive criticism. Accountability helps you to handle things in a mature rather than childish fashion (more of that in a bit). Accountability helps you to apologize. Accountability helps you to actually listen instead of always wanting to only be heard. Accountability helps you to grow up.
If you are bad at holding yourself accountable or you are in a relationship with someone who sucks at personal accountability — hell, no wonder your relationship is wearing you out. You can’t get anywhere far or good with someone who refuses to hold themselves accountable. My advice in this instance? See a therapist/counselor/life coach — STAT.
5. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When Your Expectations Are Unrealistic (or Hypocritical)
GiphyI believe I’ve shared before that I’ve got a friend — a friend who’s been married for over 20 years, by the way — who, whenever his wife finds herself comparing their marriage to others or she rants about things that she’s dissatisfied with and it seems to come totally out of the blue, he will simply say, “You need to lower your expectations, honey.”
It tickles me every time I think about it because, what he’s basically saying is, “Now, you were fine until you went on a scrolling social media marathon or one of your friends talked about their wedding ring upgrade and now, here you are — making problems where there are none.” See, he’s not telling her to have no expectations; he’s telling her to be realistic about the ones that she comes up with — and that is some grown kids' advice right there.
When it comes to this particular point, a great example of having unrealistic expectations is to bring perfectionism into your relational dynamic. Wanting a flawless relationship is always going to make things trying because not only is there no such thing (because you are not perfect and neither is your partner), perfectionism is rooted in things like being hypercritical, never knowing how to be content, setting goals that are damn near impossible to reach, constantly stressing yourself out as well as those who are around you and not knowing how to live in the moment.
I know some perfectionists and I honestly try to keep my distance from them because they are draining to be around, so I can only imagine what it’s like to be in a relationship with one. SMDH. If this pushed some buttons, absolutely, being in a relationship with a perfectionist is hard work.
As far as the hypocrisy thing goes — it deserves its own article. For now, I’ll just say, that if you’re someone who expects from your partner what you yourself are not providing, not only are you being hypocritical, but you are a miserable person to be around as well. Because there is nothing like being in a relationship with someone who sets higher expectations of their partner than they do for their own selves. Amen? Amen.
6. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When Intimacy Is Lacking
GiphyI am totally unapologetic when I say that one of the greatest relationship gaslights of all time is believing that someone is unfaithful if they have sex with someone other than their committed partner while totally ignoring the fact that it is also an unfaithful act to commit to being your partner’s only sex outlet while refusing to sleep with them. Both things are selfish. Both things are toxic. Both things are relationally counterproductive. Yeah, you are definitely setting yourself up to have an excruciating relationship if you fall into one of these categories.
That’s a big part of the reason why I appreciated the “Dead Ass Podcast Season 4- Episode 2: Monogamy Expectations Vs. Reality” episode (featuring Devale and Khadeen Ellis) that I watched a few weeks back. Although it’s a few years old, if you are married or are considering getting married, it really is an unfiltered take between a husband and wife about intimacy, the expectations and needs within intimacy, and how to balance it all that you should check out. Something else that I like about it?
It’s a blaring reminder that SEX IS A RESPONSIBILITY IN MARRIAGE — and perhaps that is one of the real downsides about sex outside of it: since, when you are single, you are mostly focused on you and you alone when it comes to sex, it can be hard to realize that you need to prioritize your partner’s needs just as much as your own (as they do the same for you) after jumping the broom.
This means that no — you can’t be out here “not in the mood” for months at a time and then be freaking out at the thought of your partner liking an IG picture. Because let’s be real — on what planet does a sane person sign up for exclusivity or monogamy and then not expect to receive intimacy from the only source that they committed to get it from? Listen, if your partner sleeps with someone else, they cheated and, at the same time, if you refused to sleep with them, didn’t you cheat (the agreement) too?
In a long-term committed relationship, sex is one of the main things that sets it apart from all other relational dynamics. If you’re not bringing that to the table, how are YOU being faithful to the relationship?
Let’s please stop bugging when it comes to this because absolutely no one (who is physically capable) wants to be in a long-term sexless romantic relationship. That said, anyone who has a partner who minimizes intimacy, manipulates intimacy, or weaponizes intimacy — they are absolutely grueling to be around. Torturous even. And yes, to try and make it work with this type of individual…that is beyond hard work.
7. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’re Not Mature Enough for a Relationship
GiphyThere is a man that I know who has been married for a few decades at this point and, throughout that entire time, he has mentioned how hard and incredibly stressful his marriage is. I bet because I have seen in a very up close and personal way that he’s with someone who is emotionally immature.
Yeah, while social media influencers are constantly talking about how they want someone who is emotionally intelligent (effective conflict management is one sign of that, relationship folks — so is apologizing and forgiving — hmm…), what we really need to be addressing in these streets is what it means to be emotionally immature:
- Emotionally immature people are poor communicators
- Emotionally immature people are self-centered
- Emotionally immature people act impulsively
- Emotionally immature people are inflexible and don’t know how to compromise
- Emotionally immature people are inconsistent
- Emotionally immature people like to play the victim
- Emotionally immature people don’t manage their emotions well
- Emotionally immature people make excuses instead of taking responsibility for their actions
- Emotionally immature people tend to overreact to things
- Emotionally immature people “go on the attack” and/or hit below the belt during conflict
Meanwhile, signs of emotional maturity:
- Emotionally mature people know how to own their ish without deflecting
- Emotionally mature people have healthy boundaries
- Emotionally mature people are solutions rather than problems-oriented
- Emotionally mature people are flexible and adaptable
- Emotionally mature people strive to see the positives and silver linings of things
- Emotionally mature people are humble (peep how much social media pushes back on humility)
- Emotionally mature people are very self-aware (about their good and not-so-good points)
- Emotionally mature people can put themselves in other people’s shoes
- Emotionally mature people aren’t bitter
- Emotionally mature people know how to be patient
Do you know how many folks out here are absolutely not with an emotionally mature person? And when a grown adult feels like they are damn near babysitting their partner — how could that not feel like some really hard work?
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Now do you get why this article has the title that it does? Just imagine if more people took all of what I said to heart and then altered the things that they are doing here. Do you get how their relationship could go from being hard work to being maintenance? Less toiling and more cultivating? Less exhausting labor and more upkeep? Less drudgery and more affirming?
Again, I have clients who’ve told me that since we’ve worked on these very issues, their marriage is easier than it’s ever been. Hmph. That’s what happens when you stop calling the relationship “hard work” and focus more on being easier to deal with instead.
Both ways. Just sayin’.
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