Anthony Hamilton: 'It's Okay For Men To Be Vulnerable And Embrace Romance'
Anthony Hamilton knows the perfect formula for making people fall in love with his music.
Though I can't remember the first time that I heard “The Point of It All," I do remember how I felt. It's the same feeling that I get every time that I hear it now—as if I, too, am so head over heels in love that I can't imagine life without my significant other. There's something irresistible about his rich vocals that pull you deeper into the melody. It's romantic, but not sickeningly so. Even if you've never experienced a love like his, for three minutes and 50 seconds you'll at least get a taste of what you're missing.
“Sing it like I mean it," he says. “People connect to that. They feel the energy when you're putting your life into it. They start to need it, start to tell everybody else about it, and next thing you know you have this community of people who love this certain feeling from music and they become your fans from just telling the story and making it beautiful, or real and transparent."
For two decades, the Grammy-Award Winning artist has shown up and shown out on each of his eight albums with hit singles including “Charlene" and “Cool" along with an impressive list of collaborations from Al Green and Carlos Santana to Jadakiss and Nas. It's no denying that the man can sang. Not just sing, but that take you to church feel it deep down in your soul sang. A minute into our interview and he can't resist turning our casual conversation into a spontaneous lyrical outbreak, smoothly transitioning from a deep tenor to a soulful soprano while his team chuckles in the distance.
We have a lot in common, Anthony and I. From our North Carolina roots and love for Dame's Chicken & Waffles (it's all in the smear) to our attire that day—black pants, plain tee, and a signature wide-brimmed hat that we both rock religiously for our own individual purposes. We even have similar views on life and love--how society celebrates nothing but the moment instead of toasting to the journey, and that despite what radio may want you to believe, romance exists and is still waiting to be embraced by those tired of emotionless encounters. “There's love still available. There's respect still available. These things are still available, and they're free," he says.
Anthony reminds us of this through soulful ballads that take us on a journey of life, love, pain, and joy—implications of his mental state at the time each album was recorded. His current state of mind? It's time to celebrate the good woman who can bring a man to his knees because of her love, and on his latest single release “Amen" off of the forthcoming album What I'm Feelin' (releasing March 25th) he does just that. It's a contrast to the mainstream sound where the lines between lust and love are mistakenly blurred, and it's something that we talk more in depth about as we dive into the topics of love, vulnerability, and why we need to eradicate the fear of success.
Take a peak at what Anthony taught us below.
The Lack of Love in the Music From the New Generation Stems From the Desire for Fame
"I think success is taking the front seat and become priority as opposed to love and romance. People are so eager to be famous and financially stable or financially rewarded that they don't think about those things until they get older. I think once you get to a certain point you're like you know what, how much money can I have? How much time can I have? What about the things that are important to me like love and relationships and friendships."
It’s Okay To Be a Gentleman and Vulnerable as a Man
"Everything now is about being cool and trendy and having a certain perception for the people instead of just being your natural self. I think in return you'll be happier [being yourself] because you don't have to live this lie and this pressure to be this perfect person. It's okay if you feel like you want to call her and say, “Hey love;" that's cool. You don't have to call her “this chick, this broad." It's okay to open the door for her. It's okay to cover her up with a blanket when she's cold on the couch. It's okay to be a man and vulnerable with emotion."
What Makes a Man Decide He’s Ready To Marry
"You get to a place that you find a person that you really love and you don't want to lose a person for the sake of just being free and having your own space. This person is somebody that you can see yourself living with, and you want that friendship and you want to protect this person. And you want to do it by covering it, and the best way to cover it is to go to God and make this commitment to God and this woman."
When a Relationship Is Damaging, It’s Time To Let It Go
"I think each relationship has its own balance and imbalance, but I do feel like if there's any physical or emotional harm on a certain level it can destroy a person. I think you have to make a choice whether to stand by a person if they're really showing effort. It's okay to forgive, but if this person is beating your head in, I think it's time to go."
There’s Beauty in Marriage Even After Divorce
"I still see the beauty in union. It's powerful, and it's a solid foundation. But you have to be vibrating at the same time and on the same wave. It's dying to [your] self. It's okay to not let my ego win. It's okay to not have it totally my way. It's okay to bow out."
On How Marriage Shaped His Music
"Wherever you are that's your truth at that moment. And there were times when it was really heavy and I've been through a lot so I had to get it all out. And coming from where I've come from each album has grown and shaped in different ways. Marriage and certain things have come into my life and shaped me, you'll adopt those moments and adjust to them. And it brings out different sides to your personality."
Now That He’s Single, Is It Going Down in the DM?
"The DM? It don't really be poppin'. I mean if it is, I don't go in there too deep. Every now and then you might get a little cutie that says, 'Hey, I love your music.' And I'm like true indeed princess (laughs). But it can get poppin'. DM, PM, AM whatever!"
On People Settling Instead of Pushing for Greater
"[I'm collaborating with] Gary Clark Jr. on a song of “Ain't No Shame," which is a bluesy rendition of just voicing my opinion about how people settle. Being in the South, people settle. They go to work and come home, they don't push the envelope. They don't enjoy to the full capacity and I wanted to let people know it's okay, there's no shame in wanting joy."
Fear of Success Keeps People From Having a Successful Life
"Some people have a fear of change--fear of being in a better place than where they are. Some people are scared of success. Not just being on TV, but having a successful life. They've just been so conditioned to (goes into old slave voice) “well you know so and so got sick and uh... I don't know..." I get so sick of that. Please stop with all of that slave talk. Let's talk about bigger and better."
He's Raising His Boys To Use Their Mind
"Right now I'm keeping them as innocent and as pure as I can. I'm teaching them not to kill each other (laughs), not to lick their hands after playing on the playground, simple things. But a little later on I'll start teaching them to be respectful and to cover your mouth, say yes and no ma'am and yes sir—just basic respect. Make sure they can count and read, and how important that is. I do instill in them to use their own mind. I say that to them every day. Use your own mind, don't let your brother get you in trouble, don't let your friends get you in trouble."
Check out the video for “Amen" below and pre-order What I'm Feelin' and pre-order the album on iTunes.
Kiah McBride writes technical content by day and uses storytelling to pen real and raw personal development pieces on her blog Write On Kiah. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @writeonkiah.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
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Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images