7 Questions You Should Ask Your Partner Before Giving Them Some
Those of you who are true diehard fans of the movieLove Jonescan probably recall every single scene, right? Well, that means you remember the one when Darius told Nina something along the lines of wisdom comes, not in having all of the answers but, instead, asking the right questions. Y’all, I’m not sure if it’s the journalist or counselor in me, yet I couldn’t agree more.
In fact, I think that a huge part of the reason why a lot of us find ourselves in relationships (professional, romantic, or platonic) that either end up being a total waste of our time or devastating as all get out is that we either went into them on pure assumption or we failed to ask the kind of questions that would give us the answers that we were truly looking for.
7 Questions to Ask Your Partner Before Having Sex With Them
That’s why, a few years back, I penned the piece “The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have” — it’s also why, today, I’m going to share some inquiries that you should make when it comes to considering prospective sex partners as well. Because no matter what your perspective is on sex overall, I think we all can agree that anything that contains hormones that bond you to another person, could give you a disease, and/or could get you pregnant is serious enough that you should ask at least a few things on the front end. Ready?
1. What Do You Think Is the Purpose of Sex in a Relationship?
GiphyOkay, so this one is a bit layered. The reason why I say that is because not everyone is going to give you the same answer — and that’s because not everyone abides by the same principles or perspectives. For instance, because I do tend to apply a lot of Scripture to my life, I personally believe that the main purpose of sex is to cultivate oneness (I Corinthians 6:16-20 — Message) — and since there are things out here like oxytocin highs and fluid bonding that says that sex connects people in ways that are oftentimes totally underrated in the current state of our culture, seems to me that even science agrees on many levels that I would be correct (y’all be careful out here, ya hear?).
So yeah, it’s extremely important that, before you give your parts (and sometimes your heart) to someone else, you have some sort of understanding about what they think sex is designed for and to do between two individuals. One reason is to see if you both are on the same page (or at least in the same book). Another reason is that, well, if they’ve never given it much thought before, you could be in for quite a ride — and I’m not talking about the cowgirl position.
Indeed, a motto that I live by is when people don’t know the purpose of something, they are bound to misuse or abuse it — and if all a guy thinks sex is about is pleasure or simply having something to do, you could look up and be treated just like that: not much more than a pleasure outlet when he’s out here bored and wanting some stimulation. No more, no less.
If that’s all you’re after as well, y’all are grown…go forth. However, if you want something a bit deeper than that, hearing his views on sex’s purpose can bring forth a lot of clarity about whether it’s time to move forward with him…or…not.
2. Would You Consider Yourself to Be a Sexually Responsible Individual?
GiphyDid you know it’s been reported that we currently have more single mothers in the United States than at any time in our history? If you add to that the fact that only one-third of men and a quarter of women use condoms (SMDH), yes, it’s important to know how sexually responsible he is — or isn’t because it really is time out for folks acting like pregnancies “just happen.” They absolutely do not; especially with all of the birth control methods that exist out here.
It's another article for another time about how single-parent dynamics can have long-term effects on kids, even as adults (Google it sometime, though). For now, I’ll just say that if you know that you know that you know that you are not ready to bring a child (or another child) into this world, you need to take every precaution to make that happen — and outside of abstinence (the only surefire way to avoid an unplanned pregnancy), you need to be sexually active with sexually responsible individuals.
So yeah, ask him if he wraps it up every time. And none of that going-raw-until-it’s-time-to-ejaculate-and-then-putting-on-a-condom-real quick nonsense either. Pre-ejaculate can still get folks pregnant out in these streets, not to mention the fact that it can transmit STDs too. And since condoms are 98 percent effective when they are used correctly, safe sex includes rubber usage.
Speaking of sexually transmitted diseases/infections, you are also well within your rights to ask him about how often he gets tested and the last time that he did so. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), you should get tested once a year if you and your partner are exclusive and every 3-6 months if you and/or he have multiple partners. So, if you ask him about when he’s gotten tested, and he changes the subject or tries to gaslight you and play like he’s offended, you know that’s a red flag, right?
Since reportedly, there are 110 million people in this country who have an STD and a whopping 20 million who will become infected this year alone, anyone who takes their health seriously and wants to be careful about the people they sleep with, they will not only get tested consistently — they will appreciate a partner who brings the topic up; especially a prospective new one.
By the way, there are multiple different at-home tests that you can take these days (read more here). They’re not the cheapest on the planet, yet they are an option. Just an FYI.
3. Where Would Sex Take Us?
GiphyBack when I was sexually active, I made it no secret that my pattern was that I had a tendency to sleep with my friends (which means several of my male friendships were absolutely not platonic; check out “Here's Why Very Few Relationships Can Actually Be 'Platonic'”). So, while I’ve never had a one-night stand, and I knew the middle names, birthdates, and other random intel on all of my partners, one of my personal biggest missteps was not factoring in just how much sex really can alter a dynamic.
With four guys, I got pregnant (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”). With one of my closest friends, it made things so complicated that our friendship ultimately did not survive it. With another, we found ourselves jealous and distrusting because we never discussed if we were only going to sleep with each other or not (check out “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners”). Yeah, with all of these men, we just started having sex without considering what could possibly transpire once we did.
Can anyone predict the future? Even the ones who think they can, they should roll with some humility because sometimes we fail to factor in uncertain situations and circumstances. That’s why this question can help you and him to think about things that passion would encourage you to underestimate. Things like, “If we do this, do you think our relationship will remain the same?” or “If I got pregnant, what would you want to do about it?”
Sure, these types of questions aren’t the most romantic in the world, yet let me tell it, that’s what’s wrong with a lot of people now — they want sex to be a rom-com when those things are scripted. Learning someone’s mindset about sex and its potential consequences can give you clarity and bring you peace of mind in ways you could never imagine. TRUST ME.
4. Why Should I Trust You with Me?
GiphyA couple of days ago, a friend of mine and I were discussing if there is such a thing as a tactful oral sex song. Two immediately came to mind. One is by a friend of mine named Shannon Sanders. Back in the day, he had an underground cult classic LP entitled Outta Nowhere, and the song is called “Interstate.” The other is Usher’s totally underrated single “Good Kisser.”
While I was listening to Usher’s joint, that had me thinking about some of Usher’s other sex-themed songs. One in particular is “That’s What It’s Made For” off of his Confessions album. Sexy? Yes. Reckless AF? Also yes:
Game rules, no cap no cut
But even Superman couldn't turn your love down
I slipped up, slipped in
Hey man what the hell you doin?
Raw dog is a never
I know I know better
Heard her whisper
Don't worry I'm safe
Didn't matter cuz it's already too late
I was lost in the sauce, dead wrong
And I ain't stoppin' now
Parleein' in the bush again
Didn't think about what I was puttin' in it
Go on and hit it
That's what it's made for
She said, You got somethin’ on right?
That's what it's made for
Boo why you trippin'
You know I got it
Hmph. No wonder his actual "Confessions, Pt. II"single was talking about getting side chicks pregnant (chile). If you’re Elmo shrugging about not using condoms, there’s no telling how life will play out for you (SMDH).
Okay, but let me stay focused. The reason why I’m bringing that song up is even though a lot of us can relate to having moments when we weren’t nearly as careful as we should’ve been, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t learn from our past poor choices.
It also doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t raise the bar moving forward — so, yes, a prospective partner should feel like he is able to trust you and that you are able to trust him. Trust when it comes to health-related matters. Trust when it comes to honesty (even if hearing the truth is uncomfortable). Trust when it comes to needs, wants, and expectations. Trust as it relates to how all of the things are to play out, both in and outside of the bedroom.
And what should that trust look like?
- Ask him if he always uses protection (too many guys assume that a woman is on birth control; not only that, but birth control doesn’t protect people from STDs. CONDOMS DO).
- Ask him if he’s good about discretion; what happens between the two of you should stay there.
- Ask him if he plans on sleeping with other people too; more folks, more risk, so you need to be kept in the loop.
- Ask him if he would tell you if his needs aren’t being met rather than faking like they are (check out “Men Fake Orgasms (And 14 Other Semi-Random Things About Them In Bed)”).
- Ask him if he will give you a heads-up before sleeping with other people so that you can decide if you want to stop sleeping with him (or if you want to sleep with others as well).
Sex is too serious to be sleeping with people you don’t trust — and trust should be established on the front end…before any clothes start to come off.
5. Is Not Having Sex a Deal-Breaker?
GiphyNow this one is super important because if you’re looking for more than a sex buddy, you need to make sure that the two of you feel the same way. Otherwise, you could find yourself having sex with him and assuming that it means things are about to go to another level while all he’s thinking about is how good of a time he had.
For the record, if that is how it plays out on his end, that doesn’t make him a bad person. We really need to stop thinking someone did us wrong, all because we assumed that they had the same train of thought that we had on a particular matter. Yeah, the only way you will know is to ask — and the main way he comes out being an ass is if he lies. Otherwise, you’ve got to take some accountability for not getting all of the clarity that you needed…before getting into bed with him, not after.
All of this being said, if you’re someone who either wants to take things very slowly or you’re not interested in having sex without a formal and/or official commitment in place, that’s something else that you should bring up to him. And while, again, he’s not the devil incarnate if he’s not down with sex being off of the table (at least for a while), if going without that type of intimacy is some sort of deal-breaker for him, at least you’ll know what many of his intentions are before he had the honor and pleasure of having sex with you. That way, you won’t feel taken advantage of or blindsided.
Another bonus that comes with this question is you might be able to stay friends — or at least cool. The benefit in that is you’d be amazed how many men come back around to women who moved at a slower pace once they are ready to make a serious commitment. I’ve been counseling enough folks at this point to have lost count of how often I’ve witnessed this with my very own eyes.
No question, asking if no sex is a deal-breaker can help you to see if a relationship with him (at least right now) should even be on the table.
6. How Should We Hold Each Other Sexually Accountable?
GiphyThere’s no telling how much safer and peace-filled our culture would be if grown folks simply learned how to hold themselves and others accountable — LAWD. And what exactly does that mean? To be accountable is to be responsible for your words and actions — and to expect those in your world to do the same.
Sexually, let’s look at this from a couple of different angles. If all of these other questions get the green light and both of you decide to take things to the next level, what happens if things get hot ‘n heavy and neither of you has a condom? How would you hold each other accountable? Or what if the condom breaks? How would you hold each other accountable? If you’re both being responsible, somebody would go and get some condoms in the first scenario, and a Plan B, along with an STD test, would be in order for the second one.
I used to be a teen mom director for the local chapter of a national non-profit several years ago, and boy, there was nothing like seeing teenagers having sex while having no clue how to do it responsibly. In many ways, it was beyond tragic because they were so selfish, immature, and sometimes just…silly.
Knowing the character of the person you are dealing with when it comes to sex can bring forth a lot of peace of mind. So yeah, it’s a good idea to also discuss mutual accountability. Pose a few hypotheticals to him; it can never hurt.
7. Are We About to Be Exclusive?
GiphyOut of all of the things that I’ve already said that you should never assume, this probably tops them all. Although there used to be a time when it was common that marriage and sex went hand in hand, we all know that isn’t the case anymore. So no, you can’t assume that he’s only going to have sex with you, just like he can’t think that’s the tip that you’re going to be on — unless you mutually decide that exclusivity is where sex is going to take you.
And even then, because no relationship is a monolith, does that mean that you’ll still date other people and just not have sex with them? Does that mean that sexual exclusivity also includes emotional commitment? See what I mean?
I know a guy who used to be notorious for saying, “I may be her boyfriend, but she is not my girlfriend.” Yeah, he was an ass, yet that doesn’t change the reality of what was going on — women were only involving themselves with him while he was out here being a “boyfriend” to several different women who didn’t know about each other. And they were so caught up (I knew a couple of ‘em) that they didn’t think to ask him…so, he used that to his advantage. They were only with him, yet it wasn’t a mutual reality.
Bottom line, sex doesn’t make something exclusive — a conversation with some established boundaries does.
I get it. Some of you might think that this line of questioning is “too deep.” To that, all I will say is, is it that the questions are too deep, or is it that you don’t take yourself seriously enough when it comes to sex, and who should have that type of access to you? *insert Jeopardy music*
Sex is one of those things that, once you do it, you can’t take it back. So, it’s better to have the answers that you’re looking for before doing what can’t be undone — for the sake of your mind, body, and spirit — and time. You feel me? Gee, I certainly hope so.
Besides, if you’re considering a responsible man, he should actually have a few questions of his own. Because again, wisdom lies in asking the right questions. Sex is certainly not excluded from that…either.
Your body is a privilege.
ASK. AWAY.
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Featured image by kupicoo/Getty Images
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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