

What makes a man the perfect guy?
Well, the things that count the most in long-term relationships aren't often impressive upon first glance. The image of my perfect man was crystal clear in my mind throughout my 20's...or so I thought.
I knew he would be tall, exceptionally kind, funny, romantic. I knew he would be ambitious and smart and come from a solid family background. I could smell the roses he would bring me whenever I was sad. I could feel the warmth of his arms around me every night as we slept in our perfectly comfortable dwelling. He would be impressively handsome and I would know immediately that he was the one.
Mom issues? Nah.
Unprofitable career? Nah.
Baby mama? Hell nah.
Then, something happened. As I approached my 30's, I started feeling like maybe this dating thing wasn't as easy as Girlfriends and Sex in the City made it seem. You don't just come across these specimens of perfection walking down the street. For one reason or another, my relationships turned into micro-experiences that ended mostly because none of these guys fit into his image in my mind.
A lot has changed since I curated the perfect man in my head.
I survived my 20's with my heart in tact and married a man I called (and still call) my best friend. We had a beautiful child together but eventually ended our marriage - so much for perfection. Suddenly, as I dove back into the dating world, I realized that I was now exactly what I had been running from. I was a woman with a past that someone would have to look beyond in order to get to know me. I learned a valuable lesson about what really matters in relationships and why some of us might actually be overlooking our blessings.
His Past Will Not Define Him
So, what if the potential bae in your life comes with baggage?
Looking for a man who didn't have a single familial issue proved to be challenging. I dated guys from the hood and guys who went to Ivy League colleges and not a single one could reflect on their parents flawlessly.
Growing up unscathed may not even be something that exists - at least not in the black community.
We are all greatly impacted by our childhoods. Instead of looking at the "what," I took a deeper look at the "why."
If he endured physical or emotional abuse at the hands of a parent, is he aware of the work he has to do in order to move past that damage in a healthy way? Instead of looking for a man who had a perfect history - because Lord knows, I certainly didn't - I looked for the man who was self-aware enough to commit to being an ever-evolving work in progress.
Good on Paper, Bad in Bed?
Here's a deal-breaker for you.
What happens when he's pretty much perfect but the sexual chemistry is off? I found myself pulling back in the beginning stages of dating just in case the sex was whack. The truth of the matter is, chemistry is automatic but sex is a process. Learning each other's bodies and sexual preferences takes time. Hinging an entire future with someone on the first few romps in the sack could eliminate the very person who is meant for you. I learned to define what a good sex life actually is. Simply, open and honest communication about what pleases each of you and the willingness to give it a try.
When it comes to creating the perfect sexual partner - practice makes perfect.
Text Back vs Got Your Back
So what if his text back game is garbage?
Here's the thing about men who can't handle digital communication - a lot of us can't handle it. Texting back is not an indicator that a man is interested in you. Instead, maybe it's an indicator that texting is kind of irritating and no one wants to be a slave to instant communication. While women are generally strong communicators, men typically like to keep it simple.
I've had so many friends tell me they have given up on a guy because he never hits her back. The game of text-tag that happens in today's digital atmosphere can be exhausting. But think about the long-term. Do you really want a boyfriend who texts you every five minutes? Most of the time, worrying about the text back is an indicator of insecurity and maybe the assumption that if he's not texting you - he's texting someone else.
Here's The Secret No One Wants To Tells You
The most valuable lesson I learned was this - the best man for you is very often the least exciting on paper. That unattainable guy you've had a crush on for years who never quite seems to be ready to settle down? Let that go. Long-term relationships are not full of exciting days and wild nights. They are full of ups and downs and highs and lows - and what matters most is finding a place of understanding with someone. The partner that's going to see through all of that with you is going to be someone who isn't with you just to be entertained. He'll be settled, sure of himself, and not up for constantly proving his admiration. In short - he might be a little boring.
Okay, but let me explain what I mean by "boring."
I've had the jet-setter boyfriend, the rich boyfriend, the popular boyfriend who always has something exciting going on. Those guys are fun to date, but settling in for the long haul is a different story. Eventually, I learned (the hard way) that there are two types of men.
There are the “instant gratification" men. The guys who wow you in bed the first night, impress you with phenomenal text-back skills, and basically bring their A-game for the first few weeks of dating. Then, there are the “slow release" men. They take their time, they know their worth, they pursue but don't chase, and they very often save the best for last.
The problem with having that prince-charming list is that it eliminates the need to get to know someone and just use your gut. Instead, you check things off one-by-one and if they don't add up, you lose hope. But, not everyone looks good on paper, and that doesn't mean they won't be good to your heart.
Dating is fun, but long-term relationships are the product of learning and growing together and focusing on what's most important. Decide what you really want - fun now or stability later? Invest in that. But be sure to manage your expectations along the way.
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'Sistas' Star Skyh Black On The Power Of Hypnotherapy & Emotional Vulnerability For Men
In this insightful episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Sistas star Skyh Black, as he opened up about his journey of emotional growth, resilience, and self-discovery. The episode touches on emotional availability, self-worth, masculinity, and the importance of therapy in overcoming personal struggles.
Skyh Black on Emotional Availability & Love
On Emotional Availability & Vulnerability
“My wife and I wouldn't be where we are today if both of us weren't emotionally available,” he shared about his wife and Sistas co-star KJ Smith, highlighting the value of vulnerability and emotional openness in a relationship. His approach to masculinity stands in contrast to the traditional, stoic ideals. Skyh is not afraid to embrace softness as part of his emotional expression.
On Overcoming Self-Doubt & Worthiness Issues
Skyh reflected on the self-doubt and worthiness issues that he struggled with, especially early in his career. He opens up about his time in Los Angeles, living what he calls the “LA struggle story”—in a one-bedroom with three roommates—and being homeless three times over the span of 16 years. “I always had this self-sabotaging thought process,” Skyh said. “For me, I feel therapy is essential, period. I have a regular therapist and I go to a hypnotherapist.”
How Therapy Helped Him Heal From Self-Doubt
On Hypnotherapy & Empowering Self-Acceptance
Skyh’s journey is a testament to the power of tapping into self-development despite life’s struggles and being open to growth. “I had to submit to the fact that God was doing good in my life, and that I'm worthy of it. I had a worthiness issue and I did not realize that. So, that’s what the hypnotherapy did. It brought me back to the core. What is wrong so that I can fix it?”
Watch the full podcast episode below:
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Quinta Brunson Gets Real About Divorce, Boundaries & Becoming
Quinta Brunson is the woman who chooses herself, even when the world is watching. And in her June 30 cover story for Bustle, she gives us a rare glimpse into the soft, centered place she's navigating her life from now. From leading one of television's most beloved series in the last decade to quietly moving through life shifts, the creator of Abbott Elementary is walking through a personal evolution and doing so with intention, grace, and a firm grip on her boundaries.
Back in March, the 35-year-old filed for divorce from Kevin Jay Anik after nearly three years of marriage, citing "irreconcilable differences." The news hit the headlines of news outlets fast, but Quinta hadn't planned to announce their dissolution to the public so quickly.
Quinta Brunson On Divorce, Public Scrutiny & Sacred Boundaries
"I remember seeing people be like, ‘She announced her divorce,’" she told Bustle. “I didn’t announce anything. I think people have this idea that people in the public eye want the public to know their every move. None of us do. I promise you. No one wants [everyone] to know when you buy a house, when you move, when a major change happens in your personal life. It’s just that that’s public record information."
In regards to her private moves becoming tabloid fodder, Quinta continued, "I hated that. I hate all of it."
"I Am An Artist First": Quinta On Cutting Her Hair & Reclaiming Herself
Still, the diminutive phenom holds her crown high in the face of change and is returning to the essence of who she is, especially as an artist. "Cutting my hair reminded me that I am an artist first. I want to feel things. I want to make choices. I want to be a person, and not just stuck in having to be a certain way for business." It's giving sacred rebirth. It's giving self-liberation. It's especially giving main character energy.
And while the headlines keep spinning their narratives, the one that Quinta is focused on is her own. For her, slowing down and nourishing herself in ways that feed her is what matters. "It’s a transitional time. I think it’s true for me and my personal life, and it’s how I feel about myself, my career, and the world," Quinta shared with Bustle. “I feel very serious about focusing on watering my own gardens, taking care of myself and the people around me who I actually interact with day-to-day."
That includes indulging in simple rituals that ground her like "making myself a meal" which has become "really, really important to me."
That spirit of agency doesn't stop at the personal. In her professional world, as the creator, executive producer, and lead actress of the critically-acclaimed Abbott Elementary, Quinta understands the weight her choices carry, both on- and off-screen. She revealed to Bustle, "People used to tell me at the beginning of this that the No. 1 on the call sheet sets the tone, and the producer sets the tone — and I’m both of those roles."
She continued, "I understand now, after doing this for four years, how important it was that I set the tone that I did when we first started."
Quinta doesn't just lead, she understands the importance of curating the energy of any space she enters. Even amid a season of shifts and shedding, her power speaks loudly. Sometimes that power looks like quiet resistance. Sometimes that power is soft leadership.
And sometimes that power looks like cutting your hair and taking back your name in rooms that have forgotten you were an artist long before you were a brand.
Read Quinta's cover story on Bustle here to witness the fullness of Quinta's becoming.
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