The Truth About Your Perfect Man
What makes a man the perfect guy?
Well, the things that count the most in long-term relationships aren't often impressive upon first glance. The image of my perfect man was crystal clear in my mind throughout my 20's...or so I thought.
I knew he would be tall, exceptionally kind, funny, romantic. I knew he would be ambitious and smart and come from a solid family background. I could smell the roses he would bring me whenever I was sad. I could feel the warmth of his arms around me every night as we slept in our perfectly comfortable dwelling. He would be impressively handsome and I would know immediately that he was the one.
Mom issues? Nah.
Unprofitable career? Nah.
Baby mama? Hell nah.
Then, something happened. As I approached my 30's, I started feeling like maybe this dating thing wasn't as easy as Girlfriends and Sex in the City made it seem. You don't just come across these specimens of perfection walking down the street. For one reason or another, my relationships turned into micro-experiences that ended mostly because none of these guys fit into his image in my mind.
A lot has changed since I curated the perfect man in my head.
I survived my 20's with my heart in tact and married a man I called (and still call) my best friend. We had a beautiful child together but eventually ended our marriage - so much for perfection. Suddenly, as I dove back into the dating world, I realized that I was now exactly what I had been running from. I was a woman with a past that someone would have to look beyond in order to get to know me. I learned a valuable lesson about what really matters in relationships and why some of us might actually be overlooking our blessings.
His Past Will Not Define Him
So, what if the potential bae in your life comes with baggage?
Looking for a man who didn't have a single familial issue proved to be challenging. I dated guys from the hood and guys who went to Ivy League colleges and not a single one could reflect on their parents flawlessly.
Growing up unscathed may not even be something that exists - at least not in the black community.
We are all greatly impacted by our childhoods. Instead of looking at the "what," I took a deeper look at the "why."
If he endured physical or emotional abuse at the hands of a parent, is he aware of the work he has to do in order to move past that damage in a healthy way? Instead of looking for a man who had a perfect history - because Lord knows, I certainly didn't - I looked for the man who was self-aware enough to commit to being an ever-evolving work in progress.
Good on Paper, Bad in Bed?
Here's a deal-breaker for you.
What happens when he's pretty much perfect but the sexual chemistry is off? I found myself pulling back in the beginning stages of dating just in case the sex was whack. The truth of the matter is, chemistry is automatic but sex is a process. Learning each other's bodies and sexual preferences takes time. Hinging an entire future with someone on the first few romps in the sack could eliminate the very person who is meant for you. I learned to define what a good sex life actually is. Simply, open and honest communication about what pleases each of you and the willingness to give it a try.
When it comes to creating the perfect sexual partner - practice makes perfect.
Text Back vs Got Your Back
So what if his text back game is garbage?
Here's the thing about men who can't handle digital communication - a lot of us can't handle it. Texting back is not an indicator that a man is interested in you. Instead, maybe it's an indicator that texting is kind of irritating and no one wants to be a slave to instant communication. While women are generally strong communicators, men typically like to keep it simple.
I've had so many friends tell me they have given up on a guy because he never hits her back. The game of text-tag that happens in today's digital atmosphere can be exhausting. But think about the long-term. Do you really want a boyfriend who texts you every five minutes? Most of the time, worrying about the text back is an indicator of insecurity and maybe the assumption that if he's not texting you - he's texting someone else.
Here's The Secret No One Wants To Tells You
The most valuable lesson I learned was this - the best man for you is very often the least exciting on paper. That unattainable guy you've had a crush on for years who never quite seems to be ready to settle down? Let that go. Long-term relationships are not full of exciting days and wild nights. They are full of ups and downs and highs and lows - and what matters most is finding a place of understanding with someone. The partner that's going to see through all of that with you is going to be someone who isn't with you just to be entertained. He'll be settled, sure of himself, and not up for constantly proving his admiration. In short - he might be a little boring.
Okay, but let me explain what I mean by "boring."
I've had the jet-setter boyfriend, the rich boyfriend, the popular boyfriend who always has something exciting going on. Those guys are fun to date, but settling in for the long haul is a different story. Eventually, I learned (the hard way) that there are two types of men.
There are the “instant gratification" men. The guys who wow you in bed the first night, impress you with phenomenal text-back skills, and basically bring their A-game for the first few weeks of dating. Then, there are the “slow release" men. They take their time, they know their worth, they pursue but don't chase, and they very often save the best for last.
The problem with having that prince-charming list is that it eliminates the need to get to know someone and just use your gut. Instead, you check things off one-by-one and if they don't add up, you lose hope. But, not everyone looks good on paper, and that doesn't mean they won't be good to your heart.
Dating is fun, but long-term relationships are the product of learning and growing together and focusing on what's most important. Decide what you really want - fun now or stability later? Invest in that. But be sure to manage your expectations along the way.
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Ashley Simpo is a writer, mother and advocate for self-care and healthy relationships. She lives in Brooklyn, NY. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @ashleysimpo. Check out her work and her musings on ashleysimpocreative.com.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images